Subject: [FFML] Re: [C&C] Silent Battles - Chapter 1
From: "Latin_D" <latin_d@uol.com.ar>
Date: 4/29/2000, 4:34 PM
To: "Confusing Manifestation" <abadpun@hotmail.com>, <ffml@fanfic.com>

Hi! Thanks for the C&C.

Lesee...

Firstly, thanks to Latin_D for sending this to me after I deleted it by
accident. It's sad to see such a great fic go to oblivion from the Trash
Can.

No prob. After all, the more people read this fic, the happier I'll be.

And thanks for the 'great fic'. It does wonders for my ego. ^_^

Really well written intro. It sounds just like some sort of legend, and
hints at a possible future flashback scene that describes it in more
detail.
I'm hooked.

Thanks. I tried to give it an almost fairy-tale flavor, and it seems I
succeeded--at least partially. Flashbacks? Don't know, probably later.

        SILENT BATTLES

The shortened version works well, and the idea of Silent Battles 2: Deaf
Victories is just too good to pass up on.

Exactly. ^_^

If--when--I get to finish this one, I'll think about it.

        A Ranma 1/2 / Robotech crossover

Quick note here: I have limited access to both of these - not enough to
write a fic but enough to comment on one. I currently have a nuke set for
my
local video store.

Heh. Don't worry, you'll do fine.

<snip to 1st flashback>

    But Ranma had not been alone. Akane had come with him. Always by his
side, in every battle, in the saddest moments. Of course, he hadn't
appreciated it then, not at all. He had called her a nuisance, told her
to
leave him alone. Yet, she had stayed and taken care of him. How could
have
been so blind?

Correction: How could HE have been so blind?

Ooops. Consider it fixed.

    Finally, they found a nice, quiet spot with almost no trees. They
spent
three days there, working out and training all the time. In the morning
of
the fourth day, something changed their routines.

ON the morning ...

Blech. I'll kill my editor (me).

... their routine (possibly). And how about adding something like "and
their
lives"?

Routine looks fine to me. I don't know about the other bit, though. I will t
hink about it.

sunlight, so relaxed and full with peace, made Ranma realize the moment
had
arrived. It was finally been the right and perfect time to confess his
feelings for her. Well... At least, he had thought so. He had had no way
of
knowing what was about to happen.

Either "It was finally the right time..." or "It had finally been the
right
time..."
Perfect isn't necessary.

You know, when I rewrote this flashbacks, I had got sort of confused with
the tenses. Thanks for pointing this out.

I used 'perfect' to give the sentence more emphasis. It was a _really_
important moment or Ranma.

    He was about to start with the always-difficult task of talking to
Akane
without putting his foot in his mouth, when she suddenly called him,
"Ranma,
look! In the sky, it's a falling star!"

Maybe "In the sky - it's a falling star!" puts more emphasis on the
falling
star/SDF.

You're probably right. I'll change it.

    And indeed, as soon as he looked up, he caught sight of a glowing
point
flying swiftly though the sky.

... as soon as he looked up he caught sight ...
The comma still works though.

Umm... I don't know about this. That comma looks fine to me.

    "You should ask for a wish, Ranma. They say it always comes true,"
said
Akane with that caring, warm voice he would always remember as hers in
later years.

You generally make a wish rather than ask for it. Asking for a wish means
you want the opportunity to make one.

Right. Hadn't thought of that.

    Finally, too late, he came to his senses. He wished Akane and him
could
be together.

I prefer "He wished he and Akane ..."

Umm... Yeah, you're probably right. Will change.

<snip to next flashback>
    Ranma was no engineer, but it amazed him that something had been
able
to
stand such a crash. It had to be some secret government project, maybe a
new
weapon constructed by the Neasians. Or it could be some kind of UFO, came
>from another pl--He really had to stop reading so much manga, it brought
strange ideas to his head.

... some kind of UFO, come from another ...

Right. Will fix.

    Several minutes later, Ranma and Akane stood by the wreckage,
dwarfed
by
its colossal size. The looming structure lay motionless before them, but
Ranma couldn't notice anything strange or unusual about it. Well, except
the
facts that it had come from nowhere and that it was unbelievably large.
Perhaps he had been letting his imagination run away with him. Perhaps.

Well, except FOR the fact (no 's') ...

Oops. Consider it fixed.

    "What do we do now?" asked Akane, neck arched back and trying to
gauge
the ruin's height.

... neck arched back trying to gauge ... since the purpose of arching the
neck is to gauge the height.

Right. Will change.

    "I know that, you jackass!" snapped the youngest Tendo. "What I
meant
is
_how_ we are going to get in."

I prefer:
"What I meant was how we were going to get in."

I does sound better. Will change.

<snip to 3rd flashback>
    "Oh, Ranma. You won't believe this. I found the most strange--" She
never finished this sentence.

"I found the strangest--"

Ouch! Terrible one. That's what happens when you don't see what you're
writing. Will fix--quickly.

    �This must be the place,� the pig-tailed martial artist ventured to
himself as he gazed at the small wooden sentry box behind the tall wire
fence.

Don't like the word ventured. That's generally used when suggesting
something to someone else you're and not sure how they're going to react.
Good old "thought", maybe? Or "... artist decided as he gazed ..."

Actually, I used 'venture' as in 'venture an opinion'. I'll check its
meaning out.

And that's my C&C. Well done on a great fic.

Thank you very much.

It's an odd coincidence that
all the errors I found were in your flashback scenes. I know that others
have mentioned some of the mistakes.

What can I say? I must have forgotten some of the suggestions when I was
correcting the chapter. I'm still a newbie at this, after all. ^_^

One thing to congratulate you on (also stands for part 2, but this is so I
don't forget) you haven't splashed Ranma once. Most fic writers would
probably get him wet and have some sort of interaction that way, and I
consider it a mis-use of a plot device. Go ahead and use it, but don't
overdo it.

Oh, but Ranma will be splashed--later. After all, a curseless Ranma isn't,
IMO, a true Ranma.

Part Two C&C'ed tomorrow hopefully (by Australian EST)

I'll be waiting eagerly. Thanks again. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Bye and good
luck,

Latin_D




-- .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List---. | Administrators - ffml-admins@fanfic.com | | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@fanfic.com | | Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject | `---http://www.fanfic.com/FFML-FAQ.txt ---'