In a message dated 4/19/00 11:16:22 PM EST, jen-chan@home.com writes:
<< Ktulu:
I don't usually read Lemons (and I've certainly never responded to any) but
I
do read everything remotely related to El-Hazard. I REALLY enjoyed this
fic. It made me laugh. Hard.
> Your Wish Is My Command
> An El Hazard Lemon
> by Ktulu
*snip*
> Jinnai paced through a long, empty hall in the Bugrom fortress. His
invasion
> of El Hazard was
> going off flawlessly, as always. There was only one kink in the entire
> thing... his long time
> archnemesis, Makoto Mizuhara. But even he couldn't resist the raw power of
> the Bugrom, combined
> with his own devious architecture of aggression. Jinnai contemplated
> launching into one of his
> glass-shattering victory laughs.... but no one was around to hear it. That
> rather defeated the
> entire purpose of doing it.
I dunno... I wouldn't be surprised if Jinnai laughed just to hear his own
voice.
*snip*
=I think he did that once.
> "That's it!!" Jinnai yelled, standing up with a start. "Makoto is trying
to
> seduce my super
> weapon! That cagey bastard! Well, he won't get away with it this time!!
I'll
> beat him to it!
> Then, my super weapon... and _all_ of El Hazard shall be MINE!
> WAH-HAHAHAHAHA!!!"
*Massive Facefault* Actually, considering Jinnai's personality, I'm
surprised
this didn't actually happen in the oav.
=Well, this one wrinkly old man with a pipe and a very large sack of silky
things had written up such a story. Of course, after the other writers had
their sides restitiched, they promptly rejected the idea.
> Jinnai sat back down, and reached for a particular book titled 'Kama
Sutra'.
> "WAH-HAHAHAHA!!
> Using the years of acquired knowledge contained in this book, I'll make
> myself irresistable to
> women! I'll be a total stud!"
Right.... you just keep believing that.
Jinnai: What?! Are you trying to say that you do not believe in my
insurmountable charisma, wit, and ingenuity?! ...oh, now I get it. You're
working with the bastard Makoto, aren't you? Don't try to lie to me, Lord
God Jinnai! You go back and tell that son of a bitch that he will not be
able to defeat me again once I get my hands on my newest weapon of
destruction, and I will rule all of El-Hazard! WAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Groucho: [translated from Bugrom speak] Why did you get him started again?
You know how powermad he gets.
Jinnai: Groucho! Rally the troops! We're going to find our newest weapon!!
And put some speed into it!!
*snip*
> Jinnai walked out of his bedroom the next day with a certain swagger in
his
> walk. He had
> unbuttoned his coat, and not put on his tie... and had a few buttons of
his
> shirt unbuttoned,
> revealing a bit of his pale, sunken chest to the world. His expression was
*Jenny resists urge to throw up*
= A high school gothic pimp? [shivers] Creepy...
*snip*
> The object of his affection (or obsession, depends how deranged your mind
> is), was currently at
> the end of the hall, slumped against it, looking forlornly at the floor.
Heh. That is just soooo Ifurita-like.
> Jinnai casually strode
> up next to her, and placed a hand against the wall near her, leaning
> confidently on one arm, and
> syaing, as smoothly as he could muster: "Say, baby, do you got the time?"
>
> Ifurita regarded Jinnai strangely for a moment, then looked out a nearby
> window. "By the
> placement of the celestial bodies, I would say that it is about midday. As
> for your reference to
> me, I am no longer an infant. My body and mind have existed long before
you
> were created."
Ouch! Burn!
Jinnai: Be quiet, you! [adjusts his collar] Obviously, she is so entranced by
my sexual magnetism, it's screwing up her programming.
> Jinnai's eye twitched a little bit, as he retracted his arm away from
> Ifurita, and walked a bit
> aways, turning his back to her, and pondering to himself. "Hmm... that
didn't
> work as well as I
> thought it would. I'll have to use a different technique..."
>
> Trying to remain cool, Jinnai stalked back over to Ifurita, cleared his
> throat a little bit, and
> tried his "smooth" act again. "Do you believe in love at first sight, or
> should I walk past
> again?"
>
> Ifurita stared blankly at Jinnai. "Please state your requests more
clearly."
Ifurita: (annoyed) Cut through the BS. What the hell do you want?
Jinnai: Erm... sex. Is that so much to ask?
Ifurita: (looks Jinnai up and down for a moment.) BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
(She laughs so hard that her sides burst and she collapses)
Jinnai: Does this mean no?
Ifurita: I would rather have a most absurdly wild orgy with Pricess Fatora
and Allielle than to even *think* of touching your pasty, decrepit, sack of
bones you call a body.
Fatora: [zips next to Ifurita] Want to get started now, or shall we wait for
Allielle?
Ifurita: [sweatdrops]
*snip*
> Jinnai sighed a bit, then spoke. "Diva... do you find me sexually
attractive?"
>
> Diva drew back, surprised. 'Yes!! This is it! He's proposed to me! At
last,
> we can consumate our
> love in the flesh!' She then lowered her voice to a secutive tone. "Ohh...
> Jinnai..."
And with their only Queen becoming the sexual slave of a human, no more eggs
were laid and the entire Bugrum race dies out.
=Actually, the kingdom would take a scene from DNA^2 and the Bugrom nation
will overpopulate El-Hazard, and then, _everyone_ dies out, including a very
worn-to-the nub Jinnai who will forever have that insanely goofy grin slapped
on his face.
*snip*
>Jinnai twisted his face away from Ifurita, so she couldn't see his lips
twist
>and contort,
>trying to hold back the insane laughter that was building inside. 'Yes! It
>worked!! I'm going to
>score!! YESS!!! I am the _GOD_!!'
*snip lemon scene that violates the most sacred thing about the entire
El-Hazard
series*
> Makoto and the others gazed in shock for a while, before Makoto stepped
> forward, yelling, 'What
> have you done with her?!!"
Jinnai: [wearing an outfit from the 70s-red velvet bell bottoms, leopard
print polyester shirt, platform shoes with live goldfish in the heels, gold
chains draped around his neck, and a red velvet, fur-lined coat; talkin like
Silkie the Pimp] Hey, my man. Like my newest ho? That's right, I'm pimpin'
both Diva _and_ Ifurita now. Now, if you got a little yen on you, you can
get a little from "Rita. Just wind her up, and she'll go _all_ night
witcha'! [sniffs, rubbing his nose violently]
>
> Jinnai's smirk got even wider, if it were possible, then laughed.
> "WAH-HAHAHAHAHA!!! I've beaten
> you at your own game, Mizuhara! For see see, I, Katsuhiko Jinnai, have
> seduced *and* totally
> entranced Ifurita with my bad macho self!! WAH-HAHAHAHA!!!"
>
> Nanami began snickering, but Makoto, now significantly angered, shot back.
> "Oh yeah!? Well,
> I... umm... I.... I BOFFED YOUR SISTER!" he said, pointing at Nanami.
That.... was smart, Makoto. Reeeeeally smart.
Makoto: Uh, well, I guess I kind of gotten a little over my head, then,
and-Ack! Nanami?! What are you doing?!
Nanami: [unbuttoning Makoto's pants] Well, I don't want you look like a liar,
so I'm going to screw your brains out until the cows come home.
Makoto: [big sweatdrop] Un, Nanami, there are no cows in El-Hazard.
Nanami: [impish grin] Well, I hope someone's been eating their Wheaties; it's
going to be a loooong night. [makes teasing motions with her fingers upon him
below the belt]
Makoto: [whimpers] Why me?
> Afura and Nanami stared incredously at Makoto, while Jinnai looked between
> Nanami and Makoto.
> "Nanami.. but.. eerrgghh.. how dare you soil the family name by sleeping
with
> the enemy?!
Nanami: Why not; after all, you slept with Fatora, and she looks exactly like
Makoto-chan.
Jinnai: [blushing red and getting angry] How dare you say such things!!
I...I...
Shayla-Shayla: [whispers to Nanami] So that explains why she's so hard up for
women.
Nanami: Yep. Jinnai ruined her on men forever.
Jinnai: [eye twitches violently, a vein popping up]
> Grrr... Ifurita!!! Destroy them all!!"
>
> Ifurita stood up a bit, then suddenly turned grabbing back onto Jinnai.
> "But.. but.. I don't
> want to!"
>
> Jinnai's eye twitched dangerously. "What?!! Why not?!!"
>
> Lifting her head up off of Jinnai's chest, her eyes sparkling as they
looked
> into his bewildered
> ones, she smiled and said, "Ohh.. but you've shown me the light! They are
> more things in this
> world then death and destruction! Come, let us return to the palace and
> consumate our love
> *again*!" With that, she grabbed onto Jinnai, and flew away with him,
> ignoring his shrieks of
> protest and oaths of vengence against Makoto.
And this, my friends, is how one changes OAV Ifurita to TV Ifurita.
=I knew there had to be an explanation for it all.
> Well, that was my first lemon fic. Hope you liked it, or at least found it
to
> be amusing MSTing
> fodder. Anyway, C&C goes to arsenal13@usa.net. Drop me a line sometime..
> c'mon, submit to the
> call of Ktulu. :P
Like I said. I REALLY liked this one. It was fuuuuuuunny.
Jen-Chan >>
Rainman