Subject: [FFML] Re: [LEMON] [El-Hazard] Your Wish Is My Command
From: RaeMowse@aol.com
Date: 4/20/2000, 6:24 AM
To: jen-chan@home.com, ffml@fanfic.com

In a message dated 4/19/00 11:16:22 PM EST, jen-chan@home.com writes:

<< Ktulu:
 
 I don't usually read Lemons (and I've certainly never responded to any) but
 I
 do read everything remotely related to El-Hazard. I REALLY enjoyed this
 fic. It made me laugh. Hard.
 
 > Your Wish Is My Command
 > An El Hazard Lemon
 > by Ktulu
 
 *snip*
 
 > Jinnai paced through a long, empty hall in the Bugrom fortress. His
 invasion
 > of El Hazard was
 > going off flawlessly, as always. There was only one kink in the entire
 > thing... his long time
 > archnemesis, Makoto Mizuhara. But even he couldn't resist the raw power of
 > the Bugrom, combined
 > with his own devious architecture of aggression. Jinnai contemplated
 > launching into one of his
 > glass-shattering victory laughs.... but no one was around to hear it. That
 > rather defeated the
 > entire purpose of doing it.
 
 I dunno... I wouldn't be surprised if Jinnai laughed just to hear his own
 voice.
  *snip*

=I think he did that once.
 
 > "That's it!!" Jinnai yelled, standing up with a start. "Makoto is trying
 to
 > seduce my super
 > weapon! That cagey bastard! Well, he won't get away with it this time!!
 I'll
 > beat him to it!
 > Then, my super weapon... and _all_ of El Hazard shall be MINE!
 > WAH-HAHAHAHAHA!!!"
 
 *Massive Facefault*  Actually, considering Jinnai's personality, I'm
 surprised
 this didn't actually happen in the oav.

=Well, this one wrinkly old man with a pipe and a very large sack of silky 
things had written up such a story.  Of course, after the other writers had 
their sides restitiched, they promptly rejected the idea.
 
 > Jinnai sat back down, and reached for a particular book titled 'Kama
 Sutra'.
 > "WAH-HAHAHAHA!!
 > Using the years of acquired knowledge contained in this book, I'll make
 > myself irresistable to
 > women! I'll be a total stud!"
 
 Right.... you just keep believing that.

Jinnai: What?!  Are you trying to say that you do not believe in my 
insurmountable charisma, wit, and ingenuity?!  ...oh, now I get it.  You're 
working with the bastard Makoto, aren't you?  Don't try to lie to me, Lord 
God Jinnai!  You go back and tell that son of a bitch that he will not be 
able to defeat me again once I get my hands on my newest weapon of 
destruction, and I will rule all of El-Hazard!  WAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Groucho: [translated from Bugrom speak] Why did you get him started again?  
You know how powermad he gets.

Jinnai: Groucho!  Rally the troops!  We're going to find our newest weapon!!  
And put some speed into it!!

 *snip*
 
 > Jinnai walked out of his bedroom the next day with a certain swagger in
 his
 > walk. He had
 > unbuttoned his coat, and not put on his tie... and had a few buttons of
 his
 > shirt unbuttoned,
 > revealing a bit of his pale, sunken chest to the world. His expression was
 
 *Jenny resists urge to throw up*

= A high school gothic pimp?  [shivers] Creepy...

 *snip*
 
 > The object of his affection (or obsession, depends how deranged your mind
 > is), was currently at
 > the end of the hall, slumped against it, looking forlornly at the floor.
 
 Heh. That is just soooo Ifurita-like.
 
 > Jinnai casually strode
 > up next to her, and placed a hand against the wall near her, leaning
 > confidently on one arm, and
 > syaing, as smoothly as he could muster: "Say, baby, do you got the time?"
 >
 > Ifurita regarded Jinnai strangely for a moment, then looked out a nearby
 > window. "By the
 > placement of the celestial bodies, I would say that it is about midday. As
 > for your reference to
 > me, I am no longer an infant. My body and mind have existed long before
 you
 > were created."
 
 Ouch! Burn!

Jinnai: Be quiet, you! [adjusts his collar] Obviously, she is so entranced by 
my sexual magnetism, it's screwing up her programming.
 
 > Jinnai's eye twitched a little bit, as he retracted his arm away from
 > Ifurita, and walked a bit
 > aways, turning his back to her, and pondering to himself. "Hmm... that
 didn't
 > work as well as I
 > thought it would. I'll have to use a different technique..."
 >
 > Trying to remain cool, Jinnai stalked back over to Ifurita, cleared his
 > throat a little bit, and
 > tried his "smooth" act again. "Do you believe in love at first sight, or
 > should I walk past
 > again?"
 >
 > Ifurita stared blankly at Jinnai. "Please state your requests more
 clearly."
 
 Ifurita: (annoyed) Cut through the BS. What the hell do you want?
 Jinnai: Erm... sex. Is that so much to ask?
 Ifurita: (looks Jinnai up and down for a moment.) BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
 (She laughs so hard that her sides burst and she collapses)
 Jinnai: Does this mean no?

Ifurita: I would rather have a most absurdly wild orgy with Pricess Fatora 
and Allielle than to even *think* of touching your pasty, decrepit, sack of 
bones you call a body.

Fatora: [zips next to Ifurita] Want to get started now, or shall we wait for 
Allielle?

Ifurita: [sweatdrops]

 *snip*
 
 > Jinnai sighed a bit, then spoke. "Diva... do you find me sexually
 attractive?"
 >
 > Diva drew back, surprised. 'Yes!! This is it! He's proposed to me! At
 last,
 > we can consumate our
 > love in the flesh!' She then lowered her voice to a secutive tone. "Ohh...
 > Jinnai..."
 
 And with their only Queen becoming the sexual slave of a human, no more eggs
 were laid and the entire Bugrum race dies out.

=Actually, the kingdom would take a scene from DNA^2 and the Bugrom nation 
will overpopulate El-Hazard, and then, _everyone_ dies out, including a very 
worn-to-the nub Jinnai who will forever have that insanely goofy grin slapped 
on his face.

 *snip*
 
 >Jinnai twisted his face away from Ifurita, so she couldn't see his lips
 twist
 >and contort,
 >trying to hold back the insane laughter that was building inside. 'Yes! It
 >worked!! I'm going to
 >score!! YESS!!! I am the _GOD_!!'
 
 *snip lemon scene that violates the most sacred thing about the entire
 El-Hazard
 series*
 
 > Makoto and the others gazed in shock for a while, before Makoto stepped
 > forward, yelling, 'What
 > have you done with her?!!"

Jinnai: [wearing an outfit from the 70s-red velvet bell bottoms, leopard 
print polyester shirt, platform shoes with live goldfish in the heels, gold 
chains draped around his neck, and a red velvet, fur-lined coat; talkin like 
Silkie the Pimp] Hey, my man.  Like my newest ho?  That's right, I'm pimpin' 
both Diva _and_ Ifurita now.  Now, if you got a little yen on you, you can 
get a little from "Rita.  Just wind her up, and she'll go _all_ night 
witcha'! [sniffs, rubbing his nose violently] 

 >
 > Jinnai's smirk got even wider, if it were possible, then laughed.
 > "WAH-HAHAHAHAHA!!! I've beaten
 > you at your own game, Mizuhara! For see see, I, Katsuhiko Jinnai, have
 > seduced *and* totally
 > entranced Ifurita with my bad macho self!! WAH-HAHAHAHA!!!"
 >
 > Nanami began snickering, but Makoto, now significantly angered, shot back.
 > "Oh yeah!? Well,
 > I... umm... I.... I BOFFED YOUR SISTER!" he said, pointing at Nanami.
 
 That.... was smart, Makoto. Reeeeeally smart.

Makoto: Uh, well, I guess I kind of gotten a little over my head, then, 
and-Ack!  Nanami?! What are you doing?!

Nanami: [unbuttoning Makoto's pants] Well, I don't want you look like a liar, 
so I'm going to screw your brains out until the cows come home.

Makoto: [big sweatdrop] Un, Nanami, there are no cows in El-Hazard.

Nanami: [impish grin] Well, I hope someone's been eating their Wheaties; it's 
going to be a loooong night. [makes teasing motions with her fingers upon him 
below the belt]

Makoto: [whimpers] Why me?
 
 > Afura and Nanami stared incredously at Makoto, while Jinnai looked between
 > Nanami and Makoto.
 > "Nanami.. but.. eerrgghh.. how dare you soil the family name by sleeping
 with
 > the enemy?!

Nanami: Why not; after all, you slept with Fatora, and she looks exactly like 
Makoto-chan.

Jinnai: [blushing red and getting angry] How dare you say such things!! 
I...I...

Shayla-Shayla: [whispers to Nanami] So that explains why she's so hard up for 
women.

Nanami: Yep.  Jinnai ruined her on men forever.

Jinnai: [eye twitches violently, a vein popping up]

 > Grrr... Ifurita!!! Destroy them all!!"
 >
 > Ifurita stood up a bit, then suddenly turned grabbing back onto Jinnai.
 > "But.. but.. I don't
 > want to!"
 >
 > Jinnai's eye twitched dangerously. "What?!! Why not?!!"
 >
 > Lifting her head up off of Jinnai's chest, her eyes sparkling as they
 looked
 > into his bewildered
 > ones, she smiled and said, "Ohh.. but you've shown me the light! They are
 > more things in this
 > world then death and destruction! Come, let us return to the palace and
 > consumate our love
 > *again*!" With that, she grabbed onto Jinnai, and flew away with him,
 > ignoring his shrieks of
 > protest and oaths of vengence against Makoto.
 
 And this, my friends, is how one changes OAV Ifurita to TV Ifurita.

=I knew there had to be an explanation for it all.
 
 > Well, that was my first lemon fic. Hope you liked it, or at least found it
 to
 > be amusing MSTing
 > fodder. Anyway, C&C goes to arsenal13@usa.net. Drop me a line sometime..
 > c'mon, submit to the
 > call of Ktulu. :P
 
 Like I said. I REALLY liked this one. It was fuuuuuuunny.
 
 Jen-Chan >>

Rainman


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