My comments##
From:
"DaveCatt" <catthouse@lweb.net> | Block
address
To:
"FFML POSTING" <ffml@fanfic.com>
Subject:
[FFML] [ff][R.5] Le Plus Ca Change... 2/?
Date:
Fri, 14 Apr 2000 07:25:14 -0400
Here's part two for your delectation. All forms of
C+C, public,
private or MST3K are welcomed.
LE PLUS CA CHANGE...
Just Another Ranma fanfiction
By Dave Menard
Part Two
OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: The original characters and
situations
were created by Rumiko Takahashi-megamisama, I'm just
playing
in her cursed pools...
##^_^
(It's a sad day when the disclaimers are _this_ cute)
^_~*
**********************
<SNIP>
She was headstrong and fierce, and refused to
listen to
her father and become a traditional woman of their
clan. She
would, he felt, have a very tough time of things if he
did not
act to protect her interests and get her a good
husband. (He
thought this because he was, after all, Japanese,
which
implies a certain amount of sexist piggery.)
##I'd change "Piggery", unless you're talking about
Ryouga. ^_^
It _is_ cute though.
<SNIP>
And so a marriage meeting was called. (Although the
man, being fairly cunning, and fond of having his head
attached to his neck, did not inform his daughters of
this
fact until it was too late for them to flee)
##Errrr, there seems to be a bit of an internal
contradiction . . .he's fond of his neck AND
the daughters might flee? If the daughters are going
to flee, then they can't remove his head.
And if they remove his head, they don't have to flee.
The man's name was Ranma Tendo. And as to the
outcome of
that marriage meeting, well...
**************************************
<SNIP>
"Hey! There's no need to be insulting! I remember
perfectly well! We were in the dojo, Daddy had just
said
something about an old friend of his..." Her voice
trailed
off. "Oh my god! OH MY GOD!!!"
"Aha." said Lonko with a smirk. "Now do you
understand?"
"Yes!!! I left the rice cooker on! Dinner will be
ruined!!!"
<VBG> LOL
<SNIP>
"The cute boy" Another nod. "The cute boy in your
room."
Further nodding. "The cute boy in your room turns into
a pig."
A blink, another, then...
"Lost me."
"Aaaarrrgggh!!! Look, I saw it with my own eyes!
Pop
emptied a kettle over the big hairy pig's head, and it
turned
into that boy!"
"Don't be ridiculous!"
"Would I make something this dumb up?!!"
##Errrr, has Ranma lost his curse? If so, you need to
make
this clearer early on. It just doesn't seem
reasonable that
any daughter(s) of Ranma would be so flummoxed by a
simple
curse. (Just look at all the "interesting" things that
followed Ranma
home when he was just dating. ^_^)
<SNIP>
Then, if he wasn't too
tired, and it wasn't a school night, he could hike
over to
their nearest neighbour's house and hang out with
Achika, if
she was there. She split her time between her folks'
place
(wherever that was) and her grandfather's home. She
wasn't
always around, but he fondly remembered playing with
Achika
and her big sister Mayuka growing up. Their Gramma
always made
the best toys. Plus, it was pretty cool having a
friend who
owned a spaceship.
<groan> ^_^
He looked around the room casually, trying to
discern the
personality of the inhabitant by it's contents.
##I'm trying to imagine a child of Ryouga's
who would try to "discern" . . .
<OUCH> . . .I think I hurt myself. ^_^
<SNIP>
Well, he thought, I'd best make a good impression
on
Sachiko. He stood up and took a deep breath. Time to
pull out
all the stops and turn on the ol' Hibiki charm...
##Cursed pool of charming pig?
***********************************
<SNIP>
"So... Uh... Gosh..." He cudgled his brain,
desperately
seeking an opening line. What would Mom say? he
thought
frantically. She's so polite and well-mannered... He
plastered a big, friendly smile on his face. "You
girls are as
pretty as a couple of pigs!"
It didn't go over as well as he'd hoped...
##ROTFLOL ^_^
**********************************
TO BE CONTINUED.
Acknowledgements: Thanks to Allyn, Esa and the
rest for
all the helpful C+C on the first chapter. This chapter
was
written in it's entirety while waiting for the new
X-Men Movie
trailer to download, which says less about my writing
speed as
it does about the speed (or lack thereof) of my modem.
##Overall::??? Hmmm. Some VERY VERY funny spots.
Overall it's rather slow. The interaction between the
two
Tendou daughters is the best. The "junior" Hibiki has
some possibilities but he appears rather bland for the
most
part. Ranma/Ryouga = = Genma/Soun :(
I enjoyed reading this story. (I always enjoy reading
your
stories) and I'll keep reading these chapters as they
come out.
It's a good story . . .but it's not a _great_ story.
And I think it could
be a great story.
IMO you are trying to stick _too_ closely to the
original and
it's hampering your natural writing abilities. The
entire interaction
between Ranma/Ryouga seems very flat and lifeless.
I'll admit the pigs in the garden is funny. However
most of that humor is due to the daughters reaction.
And the interaction between the daughters in
"discussing"
things is priceless. It's funny, natural and flows
smoothly. A+
Kobuta has some funny parts and he shows some
promise as a developing character. However he seems
a little too nice and well mannered, especially if
he's going
to be contrasted with Sachiko (who seems very polite
herself)
Ranma/Ryouga . . .it's very much like re-reading the
manga.
It's good . . .but I've seen/read it before. I'd much
rather
read YOUR words.
Hope this helps. Look forward to the next chapter.
Here Endeth The Lesson.
Spa Fon!
-------------------------------------------
Dave Menard
Keeper of Pink's Hammer of Vengeance
Knight of the Combat Fiancees
Member of the Space Pirates Guild
http://www.angelfire.com/anime/spacepiratesguild/
"I would not, could not kill the King... I would not
poison Anything!"
--Green Eggs and Hamlet
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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