Subject: [FFML] Re: [EVA/X-Files][Fanfic] The EVA-Files: Sic Transit Gloria Mundi
From: "Jon the mockingbird" <yaanathn@hotmail.com>
Date: 4/13/2000, 7:27 PM
To: teloong@cwcom.net, ffml@fanfic.com

*tap tap tap*  Urm, hello?  Is this thing on?  Sorry, I haven't mailed the mailing list much before...

To begin with the feedback, let's start with the only "mistake" I found in the writing.  Bear in mind, however, that I was eating as I read it and was not set upon looking for errors:

"As he ran along the wall of the building, he heard the
shouts of approaching soldiers. He didn't look back as he
continued to run. Looking back, he saw that they had seen him
and were in pursuit. As he rounded the corner of the building,
Shinji found a T-72 racing towards his direction. He looked
back again to see the soldiers and forward at the tank, now
only about 10 metres away."

...so he didn't look back as he ran, but he did...?

Now to the more substantial feedback.  Somehow, this chapter ended a bit quickly -- at least for myself.  Things were flying in back and forth at such speed that itt was difficult to settle into any one scene.  Again, it may have been the food that I'm eating as I type this.

My suggestion, therefore, is to go into a bit more detail in each scene, unless Joyce's EVA-Files cover that well enough (I haven't read much of hers).

And now I await the next installment of Asuka McBeal, some more stuff for HERZ (there is going to be some more stuff...right? -- unless I read the page incorrectly).

*shies away from platform*
-Jon
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