Allyn Yonge <ayonge@yahoo.com> wrote:
" . . .Senpai." Daisuke finished.
Senpai,"
"Don't interrupt your betters." Kuno cut Hiroshi off.
"Saotame, you coward. Tendou Akane is gone . . ."
"Saotome,
"Kuno senpai,"she began gently. "Akane is . . .Akane
"Kuno-senpai," she
"God would allow no other outcome. Such a noble
and proud spirit could never leave this world in so absurd a
fashion."
Suggest "The gods would allow.... (Kuno's a christian? Idon'tthinkso.)
Ranma looked at Kuno , awed by his logic. "Kuno
Fix the spacing.
Gurgling, Kuno fumbled a fistful of fax-paper from
his pocket and thrust them into Ykua's free hand. Dropping
Yuka's
"It is enough." Kuno said simply. "I would teach you
some manners," Kuno stepped back hastily as Ykua turned
Yuka
"I'm so sorry Ranma," Yuka apologized. "Kuno is
sorry, Ranma,"
"Not even if we mailed you fourth class." Nabiki
class,"
"Quite and shy," Ranma read, running his finger
down the center of the page. "Kept to herself . . .and here,"
he flipped to another page. "Almost didn't know she was
around." Ranma looked up at the two girls. "Quiet an' SHY?
AKANE!?
Need an ending quote.
"NOT AKANE!" Ranma shouted, overwhelming
logic with sheer volume. "Akane was never QUIET! Or
SHY! Not when she was turned into a doll, or KIDNAPED
kidnapped
"I didn't want to mention this,"Nabiki pulled out a
this." Nabiki
"They won't let you in." Nabiki called after the
in,"
Moments later the small room was suddenly filled with
figures in white followed closely by other's in blue, with
others
Then," Arishima interrupted prissily. "I can not help
prissily, "I
The fireball winked out and Ranma turned to face a
tiny white coated figure.
white-coated
Dr. Na gave a twisted smile at the thought, not
noticing Ranma's sudden start of surprise. "There was a
great deal of blood loss of course, as well as trauma induced
shock. Right now infection is our biggest worry." She
pointed to angry red lines that streaked Ukyou's arms and
legs. "We're treating her aggressively with antibiotics. So
far she's responding very well to treatment."
"Is she gonna be OK?"
Missing blank line.
"If she continues to respond favorably to treatment,"
Dr. Na answered cautiously. "there is every reason to believe
cautiously, "there
Ranma held Ukuyou's hand, feeling her relax under
Ukyou's
"Look, whoever did this to her," Ranma swept a
hand to indicate the patchwork that had once been his friend.
"is still out there. I gotta know who did this."
Punctuation here is off. Suggest:
"Look, whoever did this to her," Ranma said, sweeping a hand to indicate the
patchwork that had once been his friend, "is still out there. I gotta know who
did this."
"I wish I could help. maybe in a few days----"
Maybe (caps)
"I ain't got a few days!"
Dr. Na rubbed her aching eyes as she thought. "I
doubt it means much, but I'll tell you what I can. She acts
like she fighting something off . . .probably her attacker. And
like she's
she's said some things that sound like names. Ummmm.
Razan . . .Ryobun----"
"OK . . .ummmmm, Colin . . . Colon? That mean
anything?
"Cu Lon," Ranma answered grimly. "Anymore?"
The romanization's wrong, but presumably you know that already.
Shan P'u didn't like the undercurrents of emotion she
felt. Great grand mother had been increasingly tense for the
Great-grandmother
Cu Lon grinned faintly at this, then turned serious
again. "Listen to me child. No matter what this man says . . .
me, child.
"You are very kind to say so. These are difficult
times to raise children.
End quote.
Shan P'u's unease turned almost to fright at Cu
Lon's diffident tone. Then Zhu Liji's arm squeezed her
around the waist, and the angel-of-death brushed him with
it's wings. As Shan P'u started to remove Zhu Liji's arm at
its
IMO, you're trying far, far too hard to make this guy undesirable. Just the fact
that he's a bureaucrat and non-fighter ought to be enough to make Shamps not
want to marry him. This is the same problem I had with the villain in Yellow
Tiger. Just because someone's the bad guy of the story doesn't mean you have to
show him to be utter and complete pond scum.
Also, Liji's name's in a different romanization scheme than the one you're using
for Shamps'.
"Ah, but I am also old," Cu Lon leaned heavily on
old.
her staff. "and it is the old ways that comfort me. They have
"And (caps)
Artlessly her eyes strayed to a picture in the corner.
One showing a younger Cu Lon, carrying a rifle standing
next to a stocky figure in a quilted jacket. "The Amazon
nation has always been grateful for his many kindnesses. The
People were glad to help such a great man during the war;
we fought common enemies after all. But it was gratifying
indeed to have him recognize our ancient claims and laws.
Indeed he often said that the lives of The People showed
him what would result from the revolution."
Cu Lon smiled mistily at her memories .
Fix the spacing. Cologne with a gun? I don't see it. Why in the world would she
need to use one?
"By no means. This is another case of a family more
comfortable with an older, less fast paced time. The
Tendou's have no male heir. Many years ago they made
Tendous
Cu Lon gave Zhu Liji a second to absorb that, then
continued before he could interrupt. "Unfortunately that
daughter, Tendou Akane, died recently. In that case I
arranged for Shan P'u's claim to be upheld, with the
provision that Shan P'u and Ranma remain in Japan to care
for both families parents in their old age. Also they will see
that the other two Tendou daughters are cared for until they
also are married."
Wouldn't it make more sense (from Soun and Genma's point of view) to have Ranma
marry one of the other daughters? I think I missed the chapter where this was
dealt with.
"Ranmakun," Cu Lon went on, interrupting Ranma
as he attempted to speak. "This is Deputy Minister of
Education Zhu Liji of the Peoples Republic, He's here to
People's Republic. He's
"Of course, Ranma-kun. I will come to see you
later."
Ranma wanted to protest, but could see the pleading
Spacing.
in Cu Lon's eyes. That shocked him. He'd never imagined
the old ghoul needing help of any kind. Maybe if he helped
her, she'd be more reasonable talkin' to him. He glanced at
Zhu Liji. And no way was he leavin' Shan P'u anywhere near
that creep.
Suggest not dropping Ranma's 'g's unless it's actual spoken dialog. It's too
distracting in the narration, especially when you do it only in one place.
Almost eight days left until the transformation was
days were left
She seethed inwardly, thinking about her precious
great grand daughter married to that monster. She knew
great-granddaughter
Cu Lon had lived in horror of the day Zhu Liji would
demand that old contract be honored. And she could have
done nothing. The very laws that supported that marriage
contract ALSO supported the independence of the Amazon
nation. Defeating the marriage contract would mean
attacking the very laws that protected The Peoples
sovereignty.
People's
She'd bought some time by using Ranma. She'd had
Shan P'u's pack ready before she hit the ground after the
challenge in the village. After all, Shan P'u couldn't marry
while chasing a stranger all over China. And when Ranma's
unique 'condition' was revealed Cu Lon thought to muddy
the waters for a few more years. Long enough for a more
permanent solution to present itself. She'd often thought of
killing Zhu Liji----but that presented it's own problems. Not
its
Since part 6 is already out, I'll hold off on overall comments until I've
finished that.
Gary