----- Original Message -----
From: "rene chavez" <renechavez@sprintmail.com>
To: "Damien" <damien_searight@msn.com>; "FanFic Mailing List"
<ffml@fanfic.com>
Sent: Friday, April 07, 2000 12:49 AM
Subject: RE: [FFML] [FanFic][TM][Draft] The People's Prince part 6
I'm so glad you have decided to keep this story going. It is actually
one
of my favorite Tenchi fanfics. This chapter is a little a long winded
than
the rest.
That has been something that I have worried about. I actually cut this
chapter short because I thought if I added the extra scenes I would have
been rushing the story. Originally I had planned to end this chapter
with an incident at the GP Ball.
You seem to be wanting to get into the story more and start
getting into the intrige that has been set up in the previous
chapters. I
have to say though that this chapter greatly needs more Tenchi.
However... the scenes I didn't put in this chapter would have mostly
been the additional Tenchi you are asking for. =(
A Ryoko(I've been neglecting her)/Tenchi scene about his going out
A Mihoshi/Tenchi scene where she asks him to the Ball again
A Katsuhito/Tenchi talk about the Ball (What ever will he wear?)
Aeka/Sakuya talk: They were best friends on Jurai, but Aeka isn't the
same person she used to be
Aeka/Tenchi talk (he asks her something)
Washu/Aeka talk: Ryu-Oh is finished
Plus some other things hinted at.
See it would have been even more winded (though chapter 4 was twice as
big as this one if I remember right)
Compared to
the other chapters, this story seems to be have only 1/4 Tenchi and
the rest
is just the secondary characters. This chapter really lacked focused
on who
your main character is in your story.
Who is the main character? I'm not sure there is one. I'm trying to
strike a balance. A comment I received on a previous chapter was to
spend more time with the my insert characters (The ANC's). I also felt
it necessary to explain the background on some of them so you know why
they act the way the do. That there is more driving the reporter than
ambition, that it is much more than racisim with another character. When
most of these character meet and interact at the GP Ball, you'll know
what to expect and why.
I would consider breaking the chapter
down have more Tenchi. You could make this into two chapters if you
edit it
more. To be honest, I am more interested in what happens to Tenchi
than
what the story is actually doing. It is a Tenchi fanfic. Good work
and I
looked forward to reading more.
It is a Tenchi story to be sure and the focus is getting him to face the
path that is in front of him. Does he meekly follow or does he rebel?
The charcters I've added will bring his decision to a head (one in
particular and it has nothing to do with love). I don't think Tenchi
would ever really *choose* to enter into Juraian politics. There are
people out there who are trying to force the issue for their own
reasons, each of them thinking that what they are doing is for the best.
This is the main plot to the story.
*see... even my reply is long winded* =)
Thank you for your comments. I'll see what I can do about splitting this
chapter in two or perphaps adding some of the Tenchi scenes I pushed to
the next chapter.
Damien