Subject: [FFML] Re: [r1/2][draft] As Fragile As Stone
From: Gary Kleppe
Date: 4/6/2000, 3:34 PM
To: ffml@fanfic.com

Catching up on some of my backlog....

Shunsuke <shunsuke@direct.ca> wrote:

Brick, made of volcanic rock.  New or old, it was just as
hard, and new or old, it came in many natural shapes.  Rock
can be cut into shapes that are strong or weak; the hardest
obsidian can be as fragile as shale, and the softest

You're in the past tense, so IMO you should use 'could' both times.

Akane kept her breathing slow and her manner calm, just the
way her father had as he trained her.  Three bricks placed

just the way her father had trained her.

Or

just as her father had trained her.

upon the stand, she raised her hand to strike.  With calm
and precision, the knife edge of her hand met the surface.

"KIYAAAHH!!!"

"OWWWW! OWIE! OWIE! OWIE!"
 
With a smile, Akane looked down through the cloud of dust at
her handiwork, which was appreciated by a photographically
inclined audience.

Suggest like A photographically-inclined audience watched appreciatively.' Or
something. Get rid of the passive voice, if possible.
 
"Tell me about it," Nabiki said, rolling her eyes.  "I saw
your handiwork down at the infirmary today.  Anyway, I

After having read this through once, I'm wondering why she's still fighting the
boys in this new continuity.

came out here to tell you something.  Daddy says he's got
a surprise for us, he wants us inside."

us. He (run-on)

"What it's about?"

"What's it about?"

"Girls, I have some news for you," began Soun Tendo, a
pleased look on his face, "An old friend of mine, Genma

face.

Saotome, is coming to visit, and he'll be bringing his
son Ranma with him."

"But how does this involve us, father?" Kasumi said aloud.

Father (caps, when used as a name)
 
"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Nabiki said, "Arranged marriage?  In
this day and age?  Please, daddy, enter the 20th century."

Daddy, (caps)
 
"But, father, I..." Kasumi began, then with a quick, maybe

Father, (and so on)

"Look, daddy, this is a girl," Nabiki said, grabbing Ranma's
breast, "See the difference?"

breast.
 
Except, Akane, of course.  She looked on with newfound hope.

"That...that's amazing," Soun said, "To think magic actually

said.

"An arranged marriage.  Could this ever work?"  She looked
at herself again in the mirror, looking for some feature,
some angle or profile that was best, even one part of her
face she could make attractive to Ranma.  She knew she was
deeper than the mirror, that she had personality, that her
face was unimportant, but she still couldn't accept it.
Sixteen years of being told you're ugly can wear you down.

IMO, it would help if we had some actual description of what she *does* look
like -- unless this is meant to be mysterious and we're supposed to wonder
whether it's all in her head or not.

This has potential, I think, if you wanted to continue it. But I think this
introduction needs to be cut down. There's far too much stuff that's simply a
rehash of the manga, and what you've changed doesn't become evident until midway
through.

Alternate Universe isn't an easy genre to do well. You've got to quickly
convince the reader that (1) you've changed something that makes an important
difference, and (2) Your change doesn't wipe out what was interesting about the
original storyline (or if it does, it focuses on other elements that are
interesting in their own right). Yours has a good chance of doing this but IMO
you need to focus on your differences a lot sooner.


Gary


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