Shunsuke wrote:
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Cold Depths
A Tenchi Muyou! shortfic
by Shunsuke -|||
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The cold depths of space have become my home.
With only Ryo-Ohki at my side, my lonely existance does not
^^^^^^^^^ "existence"
trouble me anymore. Silence, distance, and fond memory are
all I need anymore.
The second "anymore" is repetitive. Maybe use "now"?
I wasn't always like this. After arriving on the Earth so
many years ago, meeting Tenchi, it was like a revelation. I
finally learned what it meant to be a woman, to love. Even
though I never won his heart, nor could I ever, I could
still share his passion, his pain, his loss.
I _will_ avenge you, Ayeka.
* * * * *
I felt a sense of joy as Ryo-Ohki and I tracked the Ayeka's
Cut out the "the"
assassins through the cluster of asteroids. I had learned
my trade well, brutal and ruthless I had became through
years of hunting them down.
This sentence is a bit garbled, grammatically & structurally. How about
"I had learned my trade well, become brutal and ruthless through years
of hunting them down."
I had come close many times,
almost stumbled upon them before they ran again, lucky that
they were stupid enough to stick together in the same ship.
You might want to add something here to indicate that they are within
her sights; this paragraph gave me the impression she was following
their trail but hadn't reached them yet, rather than that their doom was
imminent.
"Sir, we can't shake them! They've tracked us into the
belt!" The rogue at the ship's helm sweated so much his
hands slipped from the controls. It was a futile effort,
he knew, but fear drove him on, knowing who it was that
wanted him dead.
"Fire a full volley to the rear and pin her down to the
asteroid!" The captain of the ship sat in his chair,
elbows on his knees and fingers laced together under his
chin, looking like a man who had given up hope. "When
she gets close, blast the rock! The debris might slow
her down!"
I'd recommend you cut this altogether; it disrupts the first-person
narrative. If you want to show their fear & their reactions, do it from
our erstwhile pirate's point of view. i.e. "They were attempting to
shake me, their erratic movements through space betraying their fear.
Finally, they seemed to have given up hope, firing a full volley to the
rear in an attempt to pin me down to an asteroid."
Their ship's array of lasers was impressive, but not with
nearly enough power to stop or even slow Ryo-Ohki and me.
"Ryo-ohki and me against the world..." :)
Seriously, this sounds a bit awkward; I'd use "us" - or, if you want to
emphasize it instead, you could add a bit of *oomph* by saying "...not
with nearly enough power to slow Ryo-ohki, or me."
They must have been surprised when I passed through their
second burst without a scratch on the body of the ship.
* * * * *
"But why?" Tenchi asked after I told him I would be leaving,
I would change tense for this scene from past to past perfect "had
asked" "had told him" - it would make the scene switch a bit easier to
handle.
this time forever.
"I don't belong here anymore. Tenchi, you've got a wife to
think about, a child on the way. Jurai will be well cared
for in your reign. I don't feel I have a place here, and
never will. Staying here only hurts me."
"But your leaving will hurt the rest of us."
"I know, but you'll have each other." We hugged fiercely,
and letting go I had to smile as he brushed away my cyan
hair from his face. "I'll always have Ryo-Ohki, and
memories of you."
* * * * *
Their ship finally stopped accelerating, its engines dead,
marooned as it floated through space. The only one around
for light years capable of rescuing them was me. And I
was not in the mood for charity.
I opened a communications channel to their ship; my face
wearing a vicious smile as I looked at the captain and the
face of the assassin sitting next to him.
"Go ahead, pirate! Board us, we'll fight you to the last!"
My smile widened.
"Board you?" I said with a laugh. "I have no such intent.
Ryo-Ohki?"
Ryo-Ohki miyaaed with concern for what I was asking her to
do, but she complied when I nodded to her. The crew
realized what I meant to do when I turned to face them
again.
Why would she turn away? Ryo-ohki is all around her...
"Mercy is for people that fight honourably. And you don't
deserve any such generosity." With the press of a button,
the small devices exited Ryo-Ohki's hull, bound for the
You probably should give the "small devices" a name... And why does she
need to push a button if she already asked Ryo-ohki to do it for her?
outside of their ship. As they touched the surface, they
began to eat away the shell of their hull, some bound for
the engine room, some for the inner hull to break the seal
and allow the vacuum of space take them.
The horror of this struck them, the crew scrambling for the
escape pods. Even if they managed to get out, I had no
intention of letting them live. I sat back and enjoyed the
show.
* * * * *
I still remember their faces that day, the day I walked away
from a peaceful life, giving up everything for a life of
crime, all spawned from a need for vengeance.
Mihoshi cried like I had never seen; I nearly had to wrestle
myself from her arms.
Kiyone only looked at me morosely before hugging me goodbye.
Washuu looked at me with sadness, regret that I would never
amount to anything more.
Tenchi's eyes spoke volumes...regret, understanding, hope,
wishfulness. His last hug was so comforting.
Ryoko...she just gave me a painful smile. One last time, I
touched her belly and the child she carried.
I will admit, I pictured it as Ryoko all this time... :)
I'm just glad I could turn and walk away before I couldn't
make myself leave.
This doesn't make much sense to me... You might want to word it "I'm
just glad I turned and walked away before I couldn't make myself leave."
* * * * *
Some of the pods broke away from the ship, but too late.
More of the devices attacked the pods, the small spheres
depressurizing and exploding in space. The engines of the
ship then began core meltdown, only a few minutes now from
their detonation. There was no turning back now, not for
their ship...or for me.
"Miyaah!" came a cry from all around me, and not only from
Ryo-Ohki.
A light on the sensors flashed, warning me of another ship
nearing. Although I would have loved to let Ryo-Ohki and
Ken-Ohki spend time together, I knew that Nagi would not be
so generous or forgiving as she was in the past.
With one last shot at the assassins' ship, silently blasting
it into pieces in deep space, leaving Nagi a witness to my
crime of vengeance, we dashed on our way through the heavens
to find a place to hide. From now on, until the end of my
days, I would always be on the run.
"Yes, Ryo-Ohki, I know," I said as I fell back into my chair.
"It's not what anyone, even Ayeka, would have approved of,
but I needed this for myself. If it's just you any me from
now on, I can still be happy."
Happy? It was only then I could finally allow myself to cry.
So now I fly through the galaxy, alone, just as Ryo-Ohki's
former master once did. I am a rebel, a criminal, even
hunted by my old friends in the Galaxy Police and my own
family of Jurai. This is how I will spend my days, feared
across many worlds.
Me, Sasami the Space Pirate.
The cold depths of space have become my home.
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End.
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Well, I liked this very much. My only suggestion (other than the ones
noted above :)) is that you give some indication of how Ayeka was
killed, and why Jurai is not condoning Sasami hunting down her assassins
- one would think they would approve of the killers of their royal
princess being punished. Maybe if you indicate that Nagi is trying to
bring the assassins back to Jurai for a trial, and Sasami refuses to let
them off that easy? Also, I'm not sure how Tenchi ended up on the
throne of Jurai when married to Ryoko; it may just be that I haven't
seen enough TM.
In any case, you do a good job of balancing the obvious angst of the
situation with a writing style that keeps the drama from becoming
overblown; you could easily have sunk to the depths of melodrama, and
didn't.
Keep writing!
Bridget
--
"I choose you - PIKASPEW!!!"
Jamie to 2 month old daughter Madeline,
shortly after being spat up upon...
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