Subject: [FFML] Re: Shampoo 1/2 Chapter 5: Of Spatulas and Men
From: Miashara
Date: 3/30/2000, 6:18 PM
To: DB Sommer
CC: ffml@fanfic.com

We interrrupt your regularly scheduled SPAM for this irregularly
scheduled non-SPAM. Thank you.

Where's that old prereader hat?

DB Sommer wrote:

The next part of his prose revisions.

An alternate universe:
What's gone on before: In the beginning, Ranma and Genma traveled to
Jusenkyou for the first time and started to spar, not realizing a duel was
already occurring between Shampoo and Mousse. One mid-air collision and
dunking in spring of young drowned man later, we have a male Shampoo as
well as a female Ranma. (So Ranma-chan= female Shampoo-kun= male.) Shampoo
began traveling with Ranma after acquiring her curse. Since then chaos and
confusion has reigned. At the end of last chapter, a certain somebody at an
all boy's school heard about the antics of one "Ranma Saotome" and has
become very interested in settling an old score...

Just need to mention, I always really liked this, espedially when
chapters came out at infrequent intervals. I spend a whole lot less time
trying tofigure out who was doing what when with only a quick paragraph
like this.
 
It was turning out to be a boring day.

And it couldn't get any worse, right?
 
"Ah, I was wondering when you'd show up," Godai-sensei said to the newcomer
before turning his attention to the rest of the room. He hoped things would
go all right. He didn't believe they would, but he did try to hold on to a
glimmer of hope. Clearing his throat, he said, "Class, allow me to
introduce a new student. Everyone, please meet Ukyou Kuonji."

I'm begining to like the teacher. I feel something of pity for him
though.
 
poetry, and had pretty darn good-looking bishonen features to boot (though
he still fell somewhat short of Ranma in the looks department.)

Doesn't everybody?

However, he did have a
large spatula slung across his  back, which meant he was weird and would
probably have some decent entertainment value.

He scored a thirty five percent based on entertainment value alone? With
the antics of the cast already in place to boot? These people need TV.
 
Ukyou raised the spatulas high in the air. "Witness the prowess of a master
of okonomiyaki."

I'd capitalize Master and Okonomiyaki. I wouldn't be too surprised if
you intentionally didn't do it though.
 
Her hands moved at blinding speed, and within moments the chef cooked, then
tossed, okonomiyaki to everyone in the class. Each serving of the food
landed right on target upon each individual's desk.

Isn't Ukyo still assumed to be a guy at this point? Unless some weird
backstory happened I'm not aware of, she should still be unnoticably
female. Unless your doing this to keep pronoun confusion clear I guess.
 
Akane bit down on hers. It was delicious. She was going to have to try to
get Kasumi to make some. Or better yet, try to do it herself. Judging by
how quickly this Ukyou made them, cooking some would be easy.

Akane. Yep. Akane.
 
would play hopscotch. She stopped right in front of Ukyou, and was about to
embrace the chef, when a giant spatula was maneuvered between her and her
intended target.

That second clause is dependant <sans a subject> No comma before the
and.

The smaller girl gave Ukyou a hurt look. "Sure, Ucchan. It's me, RanAKK."

Sounds like a name from Mork and Mindy. Ranakk! Lord of Terror.
 
Akane's elbow landed on top of Ranma-chan's head, preventing her from
saying getting anything else out. "My, my, Shampoo, aren't we being too
friendly with Ranma's acquaintances?" She emphasized 'Shampoo' and 'Ranma'
with all the subtlety of a brick to the head.

AKA: as typical for the cast? 
 
Ranma-chan nodded in understanding. "Right. Ranma's friends."

I'm surprised he didn't stare blanky at her for a few minutes before
catching on.
 
Ukyou stared suspiciously at the shorter girl. "And what did Ranma tell you
about me?"

You're 36/24/26 D, like long walks in the park, and have a utensil
fetish. You want to be spanked with your own spatula and seek a
cheerleader so you can deny you're attracted to women. 
 
So I'm quoting later chapters. _I_ still remember them. 

Akane tossed back the paperweight Shampoo-kun had thrown to her --to

Paperweight=cinderblock?

Most of the girls in the class picked on the faux pas as well, and as
usual, came to their own conclusions as to what that meant. A chorus of
voices filled the room as the girls formed small groups and began
chattering amongst themselves.

"How dare she call Ranma's father, Pop."

"She makes it sound like they're already married."

"You don't suppose there's a reason for that?"

"What if they got married in a secret ceremony and are just keeping it
quiet until Shampoo becomes pregnant and they can't hide it anymore?"

"Oh my god! Shampoo's pregnant with Ranma's child!"

... 
 
Shampoo-kun tossed a desk to Akane. Once again conditioning took effect.

Don't you mean she tossed it at Ranma?
 
"That is between Ranma and me." Ukyou intoned dramatically before turning

me," 

Wow. I caught you on that for once. Now if I find a it's or its mistake,
I'm going to faint.

"You know, I actually kind of expected that to happen," Godai-sensai stated
from his desk at the front of the class. Apparently desensitization to the
bizarre really could happen.

Easily.
  
Ryouga was. Ucchan was a normal little kid, just like me."

Ranma's normal? Since when? 

today. Although suspicions about the situation evolving into something TOO
interesting made her somewhat cautious.

When does it ever not?

Besides, he had to be sure it wasn't some sort of plan on the part of the
newcomer to ingratiate himself into the feelings of Saotome's two love
slaves: The Beauteous Akane Tendou and The Equally Spirited Shampoo.

Don't you normally call her Tendo?
  
"Unn, right," Ukyou said hesitantly, wondering if the guy was for real.

The sad part is that he is.
 
Ukyou nodded in understanding. It was an unusual way to put it, but Ukyou
knew what Kunou meant. "Using women for his own, umm base desires. Now that
sounds like the Ranma I know. I real user of women, along with his

A real

"You probably lusted after me from the moment you laid eyes upon my
magnificent form."

Ukyou made an even more disgusted face at that. "I'd sooner date a girl
than a guy like you, Sugar. And believe me, that's saying a lot."

"Methinks thou doth protest too much," Kunou quoted as he jumped into the
ring and brandished his bokken towards Ukyou. "I consider it my duty to
teach you the error of your unholy ways."

Kuno. Yes, Kuno.

The sad part is Ranma did the sanme thing with Tsubasa.
 
"Foolish, perverted, misguided youth. I am the Blue Thunder of Furinkan.
There are none that can truly defeat me, Ranma having cheated in all of our
fights to date. Allow me to beat the perversions out of you."

If Kuno was fighting me to a date, I'd cheat too.
  
The fight was brief, consisting of Kunou going. "A spatula is no true
weapon." *SMACK* "OW! Put that pot down, else I shall-" *SPLASH* "How
grotesque. I am now covered in some repellent brown sticky substance."
*SMACK* "OW! How dare you strike me while I'm distracted. All I need is a
moment to." *SIZZLE* "ARGH! I'm being cooked alive!" *SMACK* "I shall
avenge myself upon you, once I recover consciousness.' *THUD*

I like that.
 
As she did so, an idea came to her. After all, she
needed something to kill the time.

Finish him! Fatality.
 
"The great Tatewaki Kunou is no man's side order," Kunou complained as he
tried prying himself out of the slightly burned yet still tasty crust. But
it was all to no avail. He turned his head towards Akane and Ranma-chan.
"It appears my situation is somewhat awkward. I would not consider it
beneath me to have you assist me out of this foodstuff."

I like that too.
 
"This burden must fall upon my shoulders." Sayuri boldly said, beating back
the other girls that wanted to share her 'burden'. She crawled up the ring

Poor girl. 

Shampoo-kun let his bonbori kiss her. Hard.

Sayuri let her tongue caress the shaft and head of Shampoo's Bonbori.
Her mouth worked over its head and gently carressed it. Finally, with a
bang, she was thrown backwards and collapsed, the wind knocked from her.
 
"Don't be silly. I'm not going to do it. She's a guy now. You're going to
have to go in there and kiss her for me."

I'm deeply saddened. I'm laughing my head off none the less, but still
deeply saddened.

And the bindings that kept her breasts bound tight against her flesh.

Gozongas.

She drew one of her hands back, holding her top in place with the other.
"You jerk!" she shouted as she slapped the stunned boy across the face.

Inspite of the fact that she couldn't hit hit earlier, now she smacks
him upside the head. Ain't martial arts fun?

Betweem Kuno's conversation with Ukyo and the end of the fight, that was
great. More of the wonderfully warded writing I look for. Nice job.

"He was," Ranma-chan insisted. "Don't you'd think I'd know a guy from a
girl? Just how unobservant do you think I am?" The redhead paused in
thought for a moment. "Obviously if Ukyou was a guy before, and is a girl
now, then something must have happened to him."

I say again, ...

Akane wasn't so certain. Yes, it made sense. Too much, actually. It seemed
the answer was just a little too easy. There had to be a catch, there just

Like it's completely wrong?

her pet dog, Fluffy, had been electrocuted in that horrible fight with that
large yellow rat that kept shouting 'pika.' (All such nasty little
creatures deserved to die.)

I agree completely.

and therefore would not have had the girl run into him and call him a
pervert (which was going to happen any second now)

Don't you need a period somewhere in there?

It didn't take a genius to put two and two together. Obviously Ranma had made
this girl cry. "What did he do to you?"

Well, kinda. For once Ryoga is sorta right.

"But Ranma doesn't have a pitchfork and horns," Ukyou pointed out.

He must have lost them along the way.

"Umm, do you think forsaking your femininity and impersonating a guy for
the last decade was the right way to deal with Ranma dumping you?" Ryouga
asked

asked.

And he thought she was cute, too.

Always a plus.

Upon entering the kitchen, Ranma saw the man he most wanted to speak to, at
least after Ukyou. "Hey, Pop. You'll never guess who I met today."

Hence the man he wanted to speak to the most.

A sad look crossed Genma's face as he took a deep, sad breath. "The truth
would hurt too much to tell, boy. Just try to help the poor girl...I mean
boy out. But try not to believe anything she...I mean he might say. The
truth has been no doubt been warped in his fragile little mind."

Hasn't everyone seen Ukyo's breasts already? Why would he make that sex
evasion?

Ranma considered badgering his father further, but let it go. It would be
too much hassle to try to tear the truth out of him when there was another,
easier way of discovering it: find Ukyou and ask him. At this point, Ranma
would believe just about anything Ukyou had to say about the matter over
Ranma's father, including the idea that they were supposed to adopt the
chef or something.

Again, doesn't Ranma know Ukyo's a girl?

Two teams of searchers, one with an accurate sense of direction, set out in
search of one another. By some stroke of luck, they managed to meet each
other at exactly the halfway point from where each set out.

The halfway point as measured by who? Ryouga? So they're in Tai-wan?

"Gee, that didn't take long. I wonder if it's good luck we found them so
quickly, or bad?" Ranma commented as he saw that somehow, Ryouga had met up

Ranma, is your luck EVER good?

"I can too find my way out of a closet!" Ryouga retorted. "I just have a
bad tendency to end up in them when I'm trying to find other places."

So Ryouga came out of the closet? That would explain much.

Ukyou stared at him, dumfounded. "Of course you do. Everyone knows my
secret. That jackass," she pointed at Shampoo, who stuck her tongue out in
response. "Let everyone know, and she is going to pay."

Ryouga told Ukyuo about the Ranma/Shamps thing? I was unaware he knew
Shamps was both people she is.

Ryouga, Ranma, and even Shampoo, all crossed their legs in sympathetic pain
and winced. "No."

Oh god. 

Ukyou looked stunned at Ryouga proclamation. No one had ever talked about
her in those sort of terms before. It made her feel odd inside. A good kind
of odd, though.

Thus groundwork is lain.

you. And Ukyou Kuonji always pays her debts." 

What about that check at the restruant in Okinawa?

Akane looked at the scene of battle and sighed. Things were never going to
be resolved if all everyone was going to do was hit one another. She swore
she was the only one with any brains in the whole group.

When Akane's the pacifist of the group, that's bad.

Rather than participate in the general melee, Akane picked up the kettle Ranma >had discarded at the start of the fight, and headed back into the store.

I don't think you need that last comma.

Akane wondered what Ranma was up to, but, trusting his judgment, threw the

That's a first.

Ukyou burst out into tears again. "What are you? Some kind of pervert too?"

Miashara bursts into laughter again. "HAHAHA!"

Ukyou seemed to follow a bit of that. "You mean that curse thing you got?
Ryouga explained that to me. No. I was never stupid enough to go to some
cursed training ground. Come on, it's cursed. Why would you want to go
there and maybe get cursed?"

Um, you're a incredibly overpowered, none too bright martial artist?

Ranma, Shampoo, and Ryouga all shifted uncomfortably from the assault of
common sense Ukyou was wielding against them. 

Case in point...

"...fathers ...ENGAGED?!"

Only with Ranma and Genma is this not even a surprise.

"All right, so back then you might very well have mistaken me for a boy,"
if you were completely unobservant and brain dead, Ukyou silently added.

Just like...no. Not going to.

Ranma was the first to break the silence. "Pop is so dead."

Good constructive method of solving problems.

Simultaneously, Shampoo-chan, Ukyou, Ranma-kun, and Akane all buried their
fists on top of Genma's head.

Not Ryouga too?

Ryouga however, was not of like mind. He allowed a battle aura to build up
around him before breaking his own silence.

Ah.

"Not in the face, damnit!" Ranma shouted as he picked himself up off the
ground.

I really don't think Ranma would swear. It's not his style and I don't
think he ever did in the manga.

before Ukyou managed to catch a glimpse of him. Not too bad. She'd seen
better, but Ryouga definitely qualified as being a little above average.

You really like doing that don't you?

Ranma ignored the complaint. "So, tell us what happened, Batboy."

It's B-chan!

It appeared right to Ryouga's eyes, but there was only one sure way of
finding out. He held it high above his head, looked up, then released it,
allowing it to smack into his face.

"Ow!" he said. "Yes, it not only looks exactly like it, but it felt like it
too." He shot Shampoo an accusing glare. "Is this yours?"

He's thorough if nothing else.

Ryouga kept his fists clenched. "Just because I no longer have a grudge
against you doesn't mean you get off that easily. There's still the matter
of you hurting Ukyou. She may be too much of a lady to beat you up, but I'm
not."

One would hope so.

As she made her way back, Akane did allow herself to smile. At least the
day hadn't been boring.

When are they ever? 

Nice. 

Take that! My counter attack in the C&C feud.
 
-- Rent A Catapult -When it absolutely, positively, has to be there now!! http://www.execulink.com/~stryker Miashara
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