AlphSailor@aol.com wrote:
How long has it been since she began running? How longer
still since she began searching? And she couldn't recall the
This should be in the past tense:
How long had it been since she had begun running? How longer
still since she had begun searching?
This section was a good introduction; it really gave us the flavor of
the other Akane, much better than a lot of exposition would've.
A young girl was attaching herself to Ranma, and judging
from the newcomer's actions, she had to be extremely
'familiar' with Ranma. And from her biased experience, the
only way any woman would have been familiar with the Casanova
was if she was his _fiancee_; of that Akane did had no doubt.
Unless this takes place soon after the arrival of Ukyo, I can't really
see her jumping to this conclusion. Ranma met a fair amount of women in
the later manga, none of whom were fiancees (even in the sense that
Shampoo and Kodachi are) yet caused him trouble nevertheless.
And with that conclusion, she was definitely _not_
happy. Everyone within earshot spared Ranma a moment of
sympathy as Akane expressed fully her feelings about the
situation; she screamed, "Ranma *no* BAKA!" and executed her
trustworthy "Anti-fiancee" maneuver designed specifically to
separate Ranma from any woman he came in close contact. In
another words, she knocked Ranma out cold with her fist.
Why such an extreme reaction to this?
After debating with herself over the logic of trying to
rouse up a dead-to-the-world type of person, her curiosity
won over. A raving-mad girl who ran around screaming Ranma's
name and carrying a nasty sword _did_, in her opinion, bear
some needed investigation, though for reasons she refused to
suggest: in her opinion, need investigation,
(as written it's quite awkward)
Despite the pressure to stop the bleeding, Akane knew it
wouldn't be enough; the girl needed medical attention, fast.
She already knew that call for 119 had been made, but the
question was how long would it take for help to come? About
Suggest: made, but how long would it take
("the question was" seems superfluous here)
Only things she could recall was running, carrying the
The only things she could recall were running,
girl on her back and wondering why she seemed so familiar to
her. And the blood-stained hands of hers... groping at the
darkness...
Suggest removing 'to her.' (Goes without saying, and saying it causes
confusion between the two 'her's.)
If she had known exactly whom she was carrying on her
back, she might have felt differently about what her
conscience was trying to tell her. An additional conscious
thought about a certain boy might have helped prevent a
drastic change in her life, and allowed only a not-so minor
adjustment. She would have had an easier time in the future.
All she had to do was acknowledge her feelings.
AKANE: Easy for you to say, Mister Omniscient Narrator!
Seriously, is this part really necessary? Show your story, don't explain
it.
Nothing. I'm not moving much at all, it's an effort to
push myself off the ground.
Run-on sentence.
Why do I feel so weak? My head's killing me, and I can't
remember what's going on, wait. Paralysis drug-tipped darts,
wasn't it?
Another groan of pain, and with my addled brain, I
barely recognized it as being Ranma's. I turned my head to
one side and was surprised to see Ranma's face, streaked with
tears. I blinked in surprise when I noticed that my eyes were
brimming with tears as well.
You need to be consistent with your verb tenses. If you want to do the
first-person bits in present tense, that's okay, but here you've slipped
back into past tense.
She cursed her ill luck. She was having extreme
difficulty in hearing the conversation. She could hear only
occasional words and phrases, though. It was not enough. She
needed to know more about her situation, her captors.
Flow of this isn't quite right. The third sentence agrees with the
second, but 'though' suggests that it shouldn't.
"Ranma no baka..."
Her throat tightened when she heard the last three
words. Cold fear permeated her body. It was not that they
sounded familiar to her - rather, she had used that phrase
far too often for her own good. No, something did not feel
right to her, hearing familiar phrases rolling off a familiar
voice.
Maybe it's because this is supposed to be dubbed into English. :)
If only she could recall the identity of the speaker!
She raged internally over her frustration of being not able
to identify the speaker.
The repetition of "identify the speaker" is awkward here.
Ranma... and Shampoo. She knew those two names. Not only
she knew them both, they were a fatal combination to her. She
had pursed the first, and she would find him. The second, she
'pursued,' I think you mean. Never trust the spell-checker. :)
"...that girl... _bitch_... nerve to... work him up..."
She seethed in anger. Even though the female hadn't
actually specified her, she knew just exactly who she was
referring about. So this girl had dared to call her a
_bitch_, eh?
No, no, he was talking about a different girl and her new Jusenkyo
curse! ^_^
After a quick double-checking to ensure that her
'visitors' were still unaware of her consciousness, she drew
out her kanata. With a single swing, the blade sliced through
the metal box into half, as if it were made out of butter.
sliced through the metal box as if
or
sliced the metal box in half as if
It might have been a case where an Akane Tendo had been
accused of not being a decent martial artist, when compared
with Ranma and others.
Again, 'It might have been a case where' seems like clumsy, unnecessary
verbiage. Fine for a legal contract, but not good for a narrative. :)
Also, to which Akane is this referring?
She didn't fare well in her feminine
duties either; but she was _not_ slow. She was just as fast
as the martial artists that had invaded her hometown and her
home, if not faster.
Is this future Akane's thoughts about herself, present-day's, or an
omniscient narrator? Not clear to me.
She yanked her body backwards, allowing the arm to drift
harmlessly past her. Her arm met with the doctor's and drew
him around while releasing his other arm from the painful
hold. With her second arm free, she grabbed his head and
propelled his momentum even faster.
You can't propel momentum. You can propel things and thereby GIVE them
momentum.
Aware that she was running out of time, she knelt and
gently lifted the doctor from his undignified (and obviously
uncomfortable) position against the wall and dragged him into
the next room. Even the girl who had recently insulted her
was given same treatment.
given the same
Under the circumstances, she did what she could to help
ease their future discomfort. She really wished she had a
light of some sort so she could have better look at them.
Apparently when she had cut power, she had short-circuited
cut the power,
the whole building. Pale light from the blue sky provided the
little illumination the entire building had, thanks to the
poor positioning of windows, due to its modern design.
Awkward sentence; too many modifiers.
Akane shook her head, disquieted by the words. It was
creepy for her, hearing the lyrics in a darkened room with
two people acting like dead. Her headache seemed to be
acting like they were dead, or acting like the dead.
The house is quiet. Daddy... gone, dead. Not yet,
though- but he's on the way. Just like my Mommy. Kasumi's out
shopping, she wouldn't be back for another hour. Good.
Run-on sentence.
Nabiki? Where did she go? No matter, I only need fifteen
minutes and it'd be over.
Again, tense confusion. You need to decide which tense you want these
first-person parts to use.
I executed similar operation on my right wrist. I felt
similar operations, or a similar operation
Akane blinked at him and wondered how she knew. Tofu
smiled grimly, "I agree, Ranma. Those wounds aren't normal;
grimly. (He's not smiling the line of dialog, just smiling.)
they were done deliberately with a sharp instrument.
Thankfully they weren't serious."
What does "normal" mean where a wound is concerned? Are accidental
wounds any more "normal" than sword cuts? Me no understand.
The doctor must have been thinking along the similar
lines when he spoke, "Thankfully, she made it - how she
managed to lose this much blood and yet remain conscious I
find it hard to believe.
The doc needs to fix his sentence structure here.
But the risk is still there. I'm not
comfortable having her out there, running and jumping for all
we know, without medical attention. Any serious strain might
cause her stitches to reopen. I'm going to contact nearby
hospitals, so they'll know what to do in case she ends up
hurt again." The doctor nodded. He paused as he glanced at
Akane.
Aren't they at all worried about this violent sword-wielding maniac on
the loose? Granted, this IS Nerima, but even so....
Funny, the district hadn't changed that much since she
had left. Then again, she supposed, there had been no reason
for it to change since Ranma had left. Even so, she wasn't
sure if there had been _any_ changes at all. She had been
away for quite some time after all. She supposed that the
recession Japan was suffering from was partly to fault.
Nothing seemed to be for better, but they weren't for worse
either.
Take out "for" (both times)
Only one thing concerned her at this moment was getting
The only thing that concerned her at this moment was getting
or
Only one thing concerned her at this moment, and that was getting
She sighed as she put the rest of her rice ball back
into her jacket, ignoring her discomfort of wearing not
wearing a shirt or a gi underneath her jacket. While she was
underneath it. (Already talking about the jacket)
A tear swelled in her eyes, and she wiped them away.
Yes... she nodded her head sharply as she clutched her fists.
The last hour had been the closest she had come to throwing
in the towel. But never again!, she renewed her vow.
Don't double-punctuate.
"Thank you... I'd almost forgotten. Almost." Smiling bit
Take out 'bit' (I think; not sure why it's there)
wider than she had in months, she took in a deep breath,
inhaling the fresh scent of springtime grass. Picking up the
ladle, she began the ritual. As she prepared for the
occasion, she was secretly relieved to notice that her
father's marking was conspicuously absent.
father's marker (I think you mean?)
The water slowly drizzled from the wooden cup and
splashed on top of the stone pillar. She then lit the incense
she had and placed it at the base of the marker. Blowing out
the torch, she knelt and mentally prepared herself for a task
she had allowed to fall into disuse after years. Her mother
I don't think "disuse" is the word you want... though I can't think of
what the right one would be.
Oh, no... please not her! I-I can't face her, not here,
please, not her!
"It doesn't matter if you can pay me back or not," she
countered, "The point is that you should've known! Do you
countered.
Warning bells instantly went off in Akane's mind. If
there was anything Kasumi had any trouble dealing with, it
was usually unpleasant matters. They weren't her best forte;
"best forte" is probably redundant. That whole sentence seems quite odd.
We've already been told that she has trouble dealing with them, so of
COURSE they're not her forte.
Trouble was not something Akane wanted to deal with at
this moment. Not after what had occurred between her and that
mysterious girl.
Don't repeat "at this moment."
"Well, you needn't have to be _that_ blunt, but yes
yes,
Akane relaxed. So THAT was what was bothering Kasumi.
She simply didn't react well when greeted by a stranger
unless properly introduced. "Oh, don't worry about it...
it's okay, sis. It's probably a case of mistaken identity.
She might've mistook you for someone else." Akane patted her
Someone else who happened to take a vacation in the same place and
happened to have a sister named Nabiki?
She shook her head. "Don't worry, I'll talk with her and
get to the bottom of this." Kasumi relaxed as she placed her
hand on her sister's shoulder. "Why don't you go ahead and do
whatever you were about to do and I'll take care of it?"
Literally, that is.
Huh? What is?
Kasumi nodded and picked up her watering pot, relieved
to have the terrible burden and responsibility off her
shoulders. She disliked being shouldered with unnecessary
responsibilities, so she was more than grateful to relinquish
the trouble to her younger sister.
What, responsibilities like cleaning, cooking? Doesn't sound much like
Kasumi to me. The wording here is also rather repetitive.
Kasumi moved into the main
room cheerfully to water some plants. No sooner than her
sister had departed than Akane had climbed up the stairs
heading to the second floor and the bedrooms, including
hers...
Wouldn't she be heading to hers in particular?
Her eyebrows met.
Met what? Each other?
Spurred into action, she quickly stomped her way up the
stairs, straight for her room. She was never the one for
subtlety, so she shouted out, "All right, whoever you are,
you'd better nobody not be in my room, or you'll be sorry!"
Take out 'nobody'
It seemed to her that time was slowing down. The motions
of the girl as she turned around appeared to be done in an
agonizing slow exaggerated fashion, even as her own legs
refused follow her own accord.
refused to follow her orders. (Or something like that. I don't think
accord is the right word.)
The elder Akane growled irritably, some nerve this
irritably. Some
impostor had, impersonating her AND reminding her of her
underdeveloped figure she had when she was younger! Wasn't
reminding her of the underdeveloped
Canon Akane underdeveloped? I doooon't think so. Ranma calls her that,
true, but that's just a way of annoying her.
being hauled back into retro-times bad enough for her? Her
She knows she's traveled back in time? I thought she didn't.
arm inched towards her carelessly discarded katana.
The younger Akane growled irritably, some nerve this
irritably. Some
impostor had, impersonating her AND flaunting with better
flaunting the better (and see above)
figure than she had! This person just picked a wrong person
picked the wrong
to make a fool out of. Her muscles tensed from its relapse
from Martial Arts training, itching for a fight.
I don't understand the first clause of that last sentence. A relapse is
when a disease (for example) becomes active again after a period of
dormancy.
Fortunately, the inevitable duel was narrowly averted by
a timely arrival of a manly Ranma Saotome, albeit wearing a
slightly damp clothing.
wearing slightly
"Hey, Akane? You in here--?" He paused mid-sentence as
two pairs of predatory eye tread across him as if he was some
eyes treaded
He blinked. He blinked again. No way, he thought. It was
impossible. But he voiced out the impossibility. "A- Akane?"
Akane nodded vigorously, simply too overwhelmed with
excitement and happiness to form words.
"But, but- you're older, no wait, I mean you look
different!" He realized that he was babbling, so he forced
himself to calm down and tried again. "Akane, how'd you grow
up so fast?"
Did I miss something here? What happened to Akane the younger? Why isn't
she reacting to this?
Her eyes widened in shock. The older Akane had reacted
so quickly that she never saw it coming. God, she couldn't
that she had never seen it coming.
or
that she hadn't seen it coming.
believe the sheer speed and force behind this seemingly
harmless visitor; if the girl had applied just ten more
pounds of force behind her hand, her hand would have had
snapped.
Akane gave her younger twin a hard glare, full of anger
and hostility. "Drop it, sister. I'm warning you," she spoke
threateningly, "Do that again, and I'll make sure you'll live
to regret it."
As if to underscore her words, the pressure on younger
on the younger
Overall comments:
1) The character of future Akane is interesting, and was shown well. We
learned enough about her to inspire further curiosity, but not too much.
I'm not quite clear on her appearance at this point. Should we presume
that her looks have changed quite a lot? Otherwise it seems odd that no
one recognizes her. But the later scene with Ranma seems to contradict
this.
2) Present-day Akane seems a little cliched, considerably more
irrationally violent than in the manga. But I've seen far worse, of
course.
3) It helps a lot to re-read your story before you post. You'll notice
all sorts of typos and bad phrasings that you didn't catch the first
time.
4) Cut down on excess verbiage. Get rid of repetitions and phrases that
are simply dead weight. If saying something simply doesn't seem like
it's enough, then the cure is to give more detail, not to add extra
words.
5) All in all, it's an interesting story, and I'm looking forward to
seeing where you'll go with it.
Gary