Never ask for help unless you _really_ meant it. ^_^
--- brewst <brewst@mediaone.net> wrote:
I have my 2nd fic loosly sketched out, and comments
on plotline would be
appreciated:
##There are no new plots. (There are only about eight
basic plots . . .some people say twelve. There aren't
very many in any case.) It all depends on what you do
with them.
##I'm going to give my comments but they aren't going
to be worth much for the simple reason your story is
going to depend ENTIRELY upon how well you handle
things like dialogue, characterization, etc. With that
in mind::
my comments##
Already written
-Ranma arrives in Kong Hong by Genma
-Ranma is sold into a whore-house by Genma
-Ranma escapes on the first night
-Ranma lives off the streets for four months
-Ranma is picked up and adopted by a leader of a
triad
##OK----if you can make it believable. IMO you need
to do
research on:
1)Hong Kong
2)Triads and how they operate.
What is planned
-Ranma gets trained by various experts in martial
arts, chi > techniques, and theft.
-Ranma grows to be a step-brother/close
friend/potential lover to
Luan-Ko, who happense to resemble Ranko of the
original series
## "happens to resemble"??? Ummm is there a reason for
this
or is it just fan-service. Unless there is a GOOD
reason for the
resembleance I think it's a mistake.
-Ranma finds out about Genma's fraud/engagements
and is so pissed off
that he becomes an assassin for the triad
##Ummmm, he's living on the streets, adopted by the
Asian equivalent of the mafia (only not as nice) and
he's
so "pissed off" because his father is a petty thief
AND engaged
him he becomes an assassin??? Errrrr Sorry I can't buy
that.
That's like someone deciding to become a nuclear
physicist
because his father sells shoes. There's no connection.
It would make more sense if Ranma were so traumatized
by living on the streets . . .or just naturally fell
into the job
because of his native skills in martial arts. Quite
frankly it's
NORMAL for people in that part of the world to have
arranged marriages. THAT's not reason to become an
assassin. Fraud??? Ranma is working for the "mafia"
by this time. Why in the world would he even CARE
about
Genma's fraud. You're going to have to come up with
a much more plausible reason. IMO this is a story
killer.
-fast forward 5 years
-Ranma is now a pretty dangerous character: he's
called Crazy Horse
because he gets a kick out of suicide attacks.
##Cute. I like this.
-Ranma is not chosen to follow his adopted father
(now Chief
Dragon)as High Dragon of the triad. Instead, Taro is
chosen.
##Ummm . . .cursed Taro? Why and how does he get to
Hong Kong?
I've no problem with this, just make sure it's
plausible.
(There are an awful lot of Japanese showing up in the
Chinese "mafia".
Perhaps possible. You need to look into this. While
Hong Kong is/was
pretty open the Chinese do NOT like the Japanese at
all. (see "The Rape of Nanking"
or read about the Japanese bio-warfare
attacks/experiments on Chinese or the
"comfort battalions" (read sex slaves) made of Chinese
or other women.
-Taro and Ranma have a brawl that ends with them
being seperated in an
explosion inside a parking structure.
##Ummm any particular reason for this brawl?
-Ranma gets out, doesn't see Taro get out.
-Ranma goes to a bar to get piss drunk. Meets
Genma.
-Ranma nearly kills Genma, only stops when Genma
promises to teach him
Forbidden Techniques.
##Ummm, again this might work if justified in the
story.
You really need to come up with a much better reason
for Ranma
to be mad at Genma. This is too much like a re-hash of
stadard
fanfic cliches.
-Ranma goes to Jusenkyo with Genma. Genma falls
into panda-pool.
-Ranma falls into uncursed pool, makes pool of
drowned Ranma.
##OK . . .as long as you have a good reason for this.
and write it well.
-Ranma and Genma go to Jotensuzuku. Ranma affianced
to Shampoo. He
andRyoga (who fell into ? ) train under Cologne.
-Fastforward a couple of months to Nerima.
-Ranma arrives at Furinkan during fight, wins it.
Realizes to his
dismay that he's hit Akane.
##Why is he dismayed? He's an assassin.
-Apologizes, he and Akane hit it off in a big
bro-little sis way.
-Kuno interjects, Ranma pistolwhips him into
unconsciousness.
##??? and why didn't he pistol whip Akane?
Heck, go ahead and slice Kuno into sushi (kasumi too)
and sell Akane to the Arabs. As long as you do it well
AND it makes sense in the context of the story. It's
impossible
to tell at this point. However it does seem
inconsistent. And why
go to Furinkan?
-In class, Ranma finds out about engagement (Soun
told the girls
earlier, the day before). Kuno charges in, Ranma
leads him out
window, hangs on by fingers, Kuno goes for a swim.
##Why bother? This seems like a very odd mixture of
the
original and the new story. It might work after you
actually write
it but the little bit you're showing seems very patchy
and awkward.
NOT that it can't work . . .I'd have to see more
explanation or better
still some of the actual story.
Here's where my scene-by-scene script ends.
Future events-
Ryoga shows up (drowned ?)and he and Ranma fight it
out
##??? why??? Is there a reason for the Ryouga/Ranma
fight? I don't care as long as there is a good reason.
It just seems a little forced to me. (again, it all
depends
on how you handle the writing)
Luan-Ko (who fell into ?) arrives, trying to get
hitched to Ranma
##Ummmm, you do realize the cursed springs are not on
the way
from Hong Kong to Japan? It just seems a little odd
that everyone is
falling into the springs. ^_^ (I guess they could all
have followed
Ranma but then you need to explain WHY. Luan-Ko
perhaps because of
the love interest but how does Ryouga fit into this?)
Shampoo shows up, not sure about Ukyo
##Why not, everyone else is. ^_^
Ranma meets Happosai and likes him, learns from him
##Interesting. However if Ranma has a personality that
LIKES
Happy IMO he would be reacting somewhat differently to
Akane.
(The pistol whipping might fit. OTOH what's he doing
with a pistol
in high school? China/Japan are knife cultures. a
blade is more probable.
Even they are highly controlled in Japan.)
Taro, who followed Ranma and fell into the
Ranmaniichuan, tries to
kill Ranma through assassins.
##Ummm, why? I realize this is just an outline
but the motivations for Taro/Ryouga/Ranma would be
helpful. In the original series Ranma was just a
target of opportunity.
Taro's real target was Happy.
And Ryouga is chasing Ranma on a matter of honor. ^_^
Ranma returns to Hong Kong with crew, defeats Ryoga
but wounded
Bursts into Taro's room with guns, end.
Alternate endings whether he won/lost, etc.
##??? I honestly can't tell much. Especially since
you don't give the motivations for any of this.
IF you provide motivations for Taro chasing Ranma
and Ranma chasing Ryouga to Hong Kong AND
then Ranma deciding to kill Taro
AND if it's well written it could work. ^_^
Suggestions::
1)make sure of the motivations. WHY
are the characters doing what they do.
Why leave Ranma in a whore house/
Why are Taro/Ryouga after Ranma?
Why go to Japan?
The engagements aren't a good reason. Ranma
has no feeling for Genma OR for Japan according
to your story.
2)don't bring in superfluous characters. I don't see
much need for Akane/Kuno/ Ukyou etc.
The main action would seem to be between
Shampoo/Luan-Ko for love interest.
3) Be consistent. If Ranma is raised in a triad
and becomes an assassin (with a name like crazy horse)
he's going to be a VERY different character. the
outline
you've provided doesn't show those differences.
Instead there seems to be a VERY drastic change at
first, then
an attempt to force the story back on track with some
odd and unnecessary
side trips to the cursed pools. And a re-hash of
Ranma's old
fights/rivalries.
IMO start with the Hong Kong change and see where the
story
naturally progresses. Starting with Ranma in Hong
Kong----Perhaps
substitute this trauma for Cat-fist training. Leave
Ranma in
Hong Kong to be found later by his mother and brought
back to
Japan. (as an example)
OR
Have Genma plan all along to take Ranma back after he
sells
him (as he's always done before) but something goes
wrong.
Whatever you do make sure it follows logically from
what has
gone before in the story. Don't just drop it into the
story because you like/dislike a character for
instance.
If you can fit all of the cursed
spring/Taro/Ryouga/Shampoo
things into the story . . .well and good. From what is
provided it all seems
VERY forced.
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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