On Mon, 7 Feb 2000, Scott Schimmel wrote:
Thanks for the taking the time to comment! ^^
I was going to go through line-by-line, but I realized that there
are a lot of small grammar and punctuation mistakes, repeated over
and over. So, in the interests of brevity...
*sigh*
This probably one of those reminders that I should really try and find
some way to reinforce my English Mechanics since it was always the weakest
part of my English skills. And it's gone way down hill since I took my
last English course 3 years ago...
Anyway, thanks for putting up with my incomptect editing and commenting
anyways...:P
3. Extraneous Japanese. Aside from honorifics and words that
don't translate elegantly (like "omiai"), there is no need for
Japanese in an English fanfic, as a rule. It's usually better
to use English instead.
At the time I thought some of the Japanese like ni nare would of worked
all right, but on second look I'll probably remove it. I do like the
)attempted..:) pun in the title though.
I also want to keep 'Sore wa himetsu Desu' instead of going to the English
'That is a secret'. FOr some reason I just find the Japanese funnier for
that line...:P
4. Repetition. You should read through your fic again looking
for it, and eliminate it. For starters, you use the word
"wondrous" quite a lot near the beginning, and you often use
"then" twice in a sentence -- at its beginning and again at its
end. There are other instances, too.
I thought I trimmed out most of it, but then I'm not the best ediotr for
my work so...^^
If this is so, then it's something you're changing for your fic.
In the manga, Madoka is fairly bright, enough so that she's near
the top of her class. In the anime (which you seem to be basing
this on, since Madoka is a fighter), she's even smarter. She has
little trouble with math or history, at least, and is reasonably
fluent in English. She may not be at Ami's level, but she's
demonstrably smarter than average by a good margin.
Actually Madoka may be at Ami's level of intelligence, she just has it in
different fields (like Music, where she's a real Genius). And I know full
well that she's smarter than the average student. It's just that she's
getting ridden super hard by the staff because of her 'fighting' problem
and she doesn't like it or being compared to Mizuno Ami.
I wasn't to sure about what other subjects she excelled at in the Anime
beyond English, and since this was a fusion I did tinker slightly with her
and made her a bit more average at math (At least to the point she
disliked it and couldn't handle the math on Ami's level).
At the same time? I think you mean "at all." Or else I've been
missing something... ^_^;
.....:P;;
Tired joke, BTW.
I know, but I like it...:P;;;
I have a hard time seeing Madoka cave in to blackmail. It doesn't
seem to fit her character. It'd probably be more effective if
Pokota just pleaded; Madoka is soft-hearted.
Your probably right there..
*snip*
General comment:
I'm not sure I see the point, really. Why would Madoka want to
use the ribbon's power? Hime-chan had a certain lack of faith in
herself when she started, and then just got to enjoy using the
magic, but I don't see either applying to Madoka to that extent.
And she's a lot closer to adult, so there's not as much incentive
for her to imitate adults as there was for Hime-chan.
I can see the point, but for some reason the idea fascinates..:) It may be
because of Biles and his Marmalade Moon series or it may be because I have
an urge to rewatch Hime-chan, but I do like the idea...:P
What I'm using the ribbon for is to do some Character devlopment for
Madoka in a unique way (^^) and at the same time leave me room to do some
zany stuff down the road.
Your right at first that she won't want to use the ribbon alot, but she'll
grow into it if I write the story correctly. And at first she's going to
run into situations where she might have to use the ribbon, inculding
dealing with the aftermath of the Juku scene.
I know it might not seem to mesh. But I did enjoy writing this so I'm
probably gonna continue it (at a snails pace, but...:).
If Ami is going to be a recurring character, you might want to add
[SM] to your tags.
I'll probably add a [multiple] tag because i have vague plans to bring in
other characters as well.
If Kyousuke is still an Esper in this fic, it could lead to
problems, if you haven't thought about the ramifications. For
one, you don't want his powers to overshadow the ribbon, I
presume.
Kasuga is still an Esper in this fic, I think some of the neater stuff
will come when I have both Kasuga and Ayukuawa trying to hide their
secrets from each other...:) And if Ayukuawa tries to turn into one of the
Esper family..^^
The powers will be played down though, way down from the TV series.
Because if the run out of control they will overshadow the ribbon as you
mentioned.
Anyway thanks for the comments, I do appreciate them all as they've givenm
me a few things to think about and ponder. ^^
Ja ne!!
Richard Beaubien
----------------
Suzuki Arimi, Mizuno Ami, Aya-san forever!!!! WAI!!!
Fanfic homepage http://www.anime.sobhrach.com/~beaubird/