Subject: [FFML] Re: [R1/2] untitled
From: Gary Kleppe
Date: 2/3/2000, 8:33 AM
To: ffml@fanfic.com

Phil <kagami@jeack.com.au> wrote:

        He left the door open to let air in and went off to fetch cleaning
supplies.  When he returned, there was a girl standing in the center of
the room, turning her head curiously.  She gave a guilty start as he
entered, and spun around wide-eyed.

        "I'm not a delinquent!" she squealed.  "The door was open!"

Nice first clue about her identity.

So why DID Hinako wander into Tofu's office?

Actually, I believe Hinako-sensei takes an active interest in Soun Tendo, though
I'm not entirely sure whether that is a fanfiction convention or not. Even so, it
doesn't really detract from the story due to the excellent storytelling. Just a
piece of trivia for you to be aware of.

No, it's not a fanfic convention. See Ranma 1/2 vol. 27 stories 1-3. I
agree that it's not a problem for this story, though.

        "Hot," supplied Hinako.

        "Well, yes, and ..."

        "Incredibly sexy."

Heh.

IMO, Tofu was much more forthcoming than he'd had to be. I mean, c'mon,
if *you* had a problem like his, would you explain it in front of a
little girl? "It's all due to sexual repression. You can say that, can't
you? Sex-u-al re-pres-sion." At the very least, IMO, Hinako should've
had to work a lot harder to drag the truth out of him.

A good characterization story about two lesser known characters in the Ranmaverse.
Short, to the point, and filled with good prose. Nice piece of work. :)

I agree that it's good writing, but I'm not sure whether it managed to
make its point or not. To me, it felt a little like a joke with a
missing punchline (speaking metaphorically here; not saying that it
necessarily needed more humor). It needs to, IMO, settle on and
establish a central conflict.

If the point was to show that Tofu can be affected by women other than
Kasumi, that's fine, but in that case IMO you (David) should've started
with Tofu thinking that he's finally cured and that this would be the
day he could face Kasumi without his... problem, and ended with him
leaving on another quest for a cure.

OTOH, if the point was to put Tofu and Hinako together as a couple, or
even to show the possibility, then it needs to go farther. Sweets and
pheromones might be a good hook into a relationship, but by themselves
they don't make a lasting one. I don't doubt that a convincing
Tofu/Hianko story could be done, but this one isn't there yet.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html


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