You wrote:
Hihi, DB! Late response as usual,
Considering I'll do C+C a couple of weeks after something's been posted,
believe me when I say three or four days is next to nothing. ^_^
but I was busy finishing Awakening 7. :)
I'm the same way. Once i start writing, I hate being interrupted. So I save
up stories to C+C and do them after I finish writing something.
C&C are my opinions and suggestions only.
I clipped most of the grammar stuff because I used it.
DB Sommer wrote:
Malgaunt's whisper carried on the wind just into Funuyaki's hearing. The
marshal-turned- potential-revolutionary wasn't quite correct about that.
It
was she and Ariana that were almost on top of it. They were the ones
that
had taken the point and would encounter the Shihana first. And the only
reason it was not Ariana alone was because Malgaunt had insisted
Funuyaki
go along to accompany her. The look the taller woman had shot Funuyaki
told
all she needed to know about the enforcer's feelings concerning their
shared responsibilities.
"Oh, Funuyaki! Let's take some time off and have some fun together." :)
Funuyaki: Plasma cannons at three paces?
Ariana: Sounds good to me.
A sharp intake of breath from above snapped Funuyaki out of her reverie.
Ariana stood at the top of the pile, looking down on the other side, her
attention focused on something. Worry and disappointment had replaced
the
usual mask of anger Stargrave's first mate wore. Since the taller woman
was
not behaving in a threatened or cautious manner, Funuyaki opted to rush
quickly up the side of the pile and look down to see what the cause of
the
disturbance was.
Only to take a laser bolt in the stomach and discover that Ariana never
behaves
in a threatened or cautious manner. :)
Heh.
All eyes looked down the pass. Ariana was still more than hundred meters
away, but her voice had carried over the low din of the rain. She was
running towards them as fast as she could, shouting out over and over
again
that she could track them.
Just in case they had all fallen inconveniently deaf at one shot, of
course. :)
She's just excited that since she's given Stargrave a new lease on his
plant, he'll give her a biscuit. ^_^
"It's the Sirocco."
The others were the Zephyr, the Tsunami, the Hurricane, the Kamikaze, the
Typhoon, the Tornado, the Whirlwind, the Arashi, and lastly, the
Great-Wind-For-Which-We-Have-Run-Out-Of-Names. :)
Excellent. I wasn't sure if anyone would know what a sirocco was.
Sensing he was getting through to Stargrave, Autolycus decided it was
time
to reveal more. "The main reason I've remained at your side for the last
couple of decades is because I've sensed potential in you, boy. Real
potential. The kind that can change the face of the galaxy for
millennia,
but only if you utilize it correctly."
Autolycus: I sense a great force in the boy.
Yoda: Bah, the boy too old is.
Autolycus: Then it is my mistake to make, Master Yoda.
Hmm. An interesting comparison I hadn't thought of before, but it is a
twisted version of it, i suppose. Except Autolycus isn't serving some
higher power.
the Jurai Empire tremble. It doesn't matter what they did to you before.
You have to go beyond petty schemes of vengeance. You have to be willing
to
let go of the past and move forward with the future, otherwise you're
doomed to failure. That I can guarantee."
Hmm. I'm sensing a probable outcome of the story here. :)
Darn! You mean you've figured out that after Stargrave whacks Mihoshi and
Tenchi and gets the Shihana, he goes to drop it on the same water resort
world that Aeka and Ryouko got devoured on, and ends up having his ship
eaten as well? I didn't think I was being that obvious.
would still not go away. It was making him slightly paranoid. Slightly,
only because when you hung around people that could move through walls,
summon floating logs, and turn your storage closet into an access portal
to
another dimension, and all of said people had an active interest in you,
you already had a tendency to be paranoid, and you got used to the
feeling
after a while. When you were almost certain you were being hunted by one
or
more bad guys intending harm upon your person, the paranoia was higher
and
more constant, but remained at acceptable levels.
Uh, this paragraph needs a little work, I think. Perhaps breaking up the
middle
chunk into smaller sentences.
Will try. I know I can break down the last part of it into another
sentence, at least.
and all got along really well. The waiters were very accommodating too."
Mihoshi got a far off look in her eyes. "One of them gave me a nine inch
sausage."
Uh oh. Sausage jokes. :)
Oodles and oodles of them. ^_^
"Even Ryouko was impressed by that. She said she wanted to try too, but
she
could only get seven inches down before she gagged."
Ryoko?! Only seven inches?!
I kind of like the idea that for all of her brazeness, she's the least
'talented' at that sort of thing.
Well, that was still alright, thought Tenchi. I'm
only six inches at full extension. :)
Tenchi: It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the
fight in the dog, or something like that. I don't know. I don't really do
sexual innuendo.
"Can you really eat a nine inch sausage in one gulp?"
"Tenchi, I could do eleven if I had to."
"Wahaha, I used to be able to swallow foot-long carrots, you know,"
boasted
Tenchi.
I hope you realize that swallowing a sausage at a single gulp is liable to
cause all sorts of hurt to the digestive tract? :)
Luckily, Mensens and Juraians have resiliant digestive tracts. ^_^
Though if they had been tracking successfully, they'd be aware that there
was
only one other person with her, but the sentence would still scan better,
IMO.
Will use that.
Everyone pitched in and helped to make the encampment. Even with their
outfits keeping out the chill, the group was grateful for the fire. It
made
things seems brighter and gave them hope for the next day. The nature of
each person's hope differed slightly from the others.
At least they didn't start singing 'Row, row, row your boat'. That scene
from
Star Trek V still remains as one of my worse memories. :)
Darn. And here I was going to let Shatner write the last couple of chapters
of Vacation Days too. Just look at the way the man directs. It would be
sure to be an instant hit. Right? ^_^
"I suppose that was around the time her performance rating started to
drop.
In the beginning, she was a fine officer, though I had only encountered
her
at a handful of award ceremonies. I heard odd stories about her in the
early days, but you know how rumors circulate. I paid them little mind,
and
her performance rating remained high. But after the first three and a
half
years of her career, things began to change.
This would be when she was adopted as an Agent of Chaos then? :)
Yep. I'm sure there are some planets that have prophacies detailing their
destruction at the hands of a blonde harbinger of Chaos and Destruction.
Complaints began to come in.
Bills for damage she caused rose. She began to crash her spaceship into
things. It was a drop in everything except her arrest rate. That
remained
high, and she was still able to accomplish the tasks she was assigned,
but
the manner in which she solved her cases began to cause chaos all
around.
And the more time that passed, the worse it got. Pretty soon, everyone
began to fear working with her. A young up and coming officer was
assigned
to Mihoshi in the hopes that she could somehow mitigate the damage she
was
causing, while still maintaining the record of arrests. Shortly after
joining Mihoshi, Kiyone disappeared and was presumed dead.
Kiyone? Dead?! Did I miss something?
If I remember the Mihoshi Special correctly, she believed Kiyone was dead,
and since Kiyone was still floating on debris in space while Mihoshi
finished her tale, it seemed no one had bothered to get her. I assumed the
GP believed Mihoshi's report and didn't bother to look for poor ole'
Kiyone.
Malgaunt openly scoffed at that. "The idea that she somehow stumbled
onto
us and foiled our scheme through luck is absolutely preposterous." He
felt
sorrow at his prot�g�'s naivet�. One couldn't put stock in such
intangibles
as luck. The prepared made their own luck.
Yeah, all bad.
Not quite. They did manage to get the Shihana. It pretty much went south
from there, though.
The fierceness in her voice caused Ariana to move nearer to Funuyaki.
The
lieutenant noticed the motion and turned to fully face the enforcer.
"Get
any closer, and I'll feed you that vibro-sabre that's under your cloak,"
Funuyaki snarled.
Ariana sniffed with disdain. "You mean you've never done it with a
vibro-sabre
before?"
Oh wait, it's a weapon, you say? Sorry. :)
You know, of all the sexual innuendo I put in this, it never occurred to me
people would think this was part of it too. ^_^
"As though the compliments of a lapdog impress me."
"Yes, but I'm Sa'bre's lapdog," purred Ariana. "No need to be jealous
though,
there's more than enough for you as well." :)
Funuyaki: Sorry. I'm loaded up with too much angst right now. Maybe when
this is all over.
Stargrave bit off the sharp reply on his tongue. He hated being
interrupted, but he wanted to finish his tale more than wasting time
with
the reprimand. "Because they are taught almost from the moment they can
walk combat arts. They receive extensive training in most personal arms
and
hand-to-hand fighting.
Heh. This reminds me of one of the earliest first season NextGen episodes
showcasing Tasha Yar, where she has to duke it out with a planetary noble
female using poison gauntlets.
I do faintly remember that one. Considering the overall quality of the
first season compared to the later ones, I try not to think about them too
much. ^_^
Even now, there was something she could do for him. Something that would
endear her further to him, and perhaps that day she longed for more than
anything else in the universe would come at last. But she would have to
wait until nightfall to make the attempt, after everyone was asleep.
Until
then she would have to bide her time and remain impassive until a moment
presented itself.
What? Run off by herself and get killed? :)
Ariana: It seemed like a good idea at the time. I get myself killed and
then won't Sa'bre be sorry for neglecting me?
She withdrew her embrace, considerably happier that she had been. The
two
began to relax as they prepared themselves for sleep. Mihoshi, still
feeling very excited, began talking. "I wonder what Aeka and Ryouko are
doing?"
Tenchi was astonished to find that Mihoshi's mention of their names was
the
first time he had thought about them in the last three days.
This can't possibly be true after the sausage session earlier.
Argh! I forgot about that. I've now added an 'aside from the sausage
session' in there.
"Of course," Mihoshi said as though it was the most obvious thing in the
world. "I don't like to see anyone fight, especially when deep down
inside
they're really friends, like those two are. I see more than enough
people
fighting in my line of work. If I never saw two people arguing again, it
would be all right with me."
"Besides, if I can get them to become 'friends', then I'll have you all to
myself, Tenchi," Mihoshi purred.
"Wait, what about Sasami?"
Tenchi: Ryo-Ohki has already claimed dibs on her.
Mihoshi: They do make a cute couple.
"Well, Sasami's nice so I don't mind sharing with her, and besides, you'll
have
to wait until she grows up, so I'll have you all to myself for a while."
Mihoshi paused, fingering her laser pistol. "You will wait until she grows
up,
right?"
"Absolutely! Yep! No doubt about it!"
Mihoshi: Good. Then I won't have to arrest you for pedophilia.
grandfather's objections. Once I got accepted into the academy, he saw
to
it I had the hardest instructors and was given the most difficult tests
so
that I'd fail. But I didn't. I refused to lose. I put everything I could
into trying really hard and passing everything they could throw at me.
And
I did it. It wasn't easy. I think maybe it was the hardest time I ever
had
in my life. But I surprised everyone, even my instructors, by graduating
with honors, in spite of everything they tried to do." With her
explanation
over, Mihoshi relaxed.
Ick. Negative nepotism. :)
Yep. I thought it would be a nice touch since the general assumption would
be for regular nepotism.
"I hear you." Tenchi settled down as well. With a fire going, he wasn't
going to have to use Mihoshi's body heat to help keep him warm.
Surprisingly, he found a small part of him disappointed in that. But
only a
very small part.
Guess that six inches comment of mine was right on the money. :)
Tenchi: But I got a cool sword, and that's all the really matters in the
end.
She found a quiet spot nearly thirty meters away from the cave and
shielded
off by a large amount of foliage. She had unzipped her uniform and
peeled
the upper half down to her waist, when a sharp blow struck her in the
back
of the neck. She fell to the ground, unconscious.
I guess Mihoshi will have a problem getting that stain out then. :)
Evil man. Just evil.
"I knew I could track you in the darkness."
Sigh. Goodbye, Ariana.
Yep. Alas, we knew thee all too little.
lost the track once, and was trying to find it again, when she saw the
flash of color under the moonlit night. Approaching silently, she had
stalked her prey and was delighted to recognize the telltale uniform of
a
Galaxy Police officer. All it had taken was when Mihoshi was at her most
vulnerable and striking her in the back of the head to bring matters
under
her control.
Suggest: 'All it had taken to brings matters under her control was to
strike
Mihoshi on the back of her head when she had been at her most vulnerable.'
Of course, she's conveniently forgotten about Tenchi. :)
Yep. Caught up in the heat of the moment.
A vibro-sabre cleared its scabbard. Ariana leveled the point of it with
the
center of Mihoshi's chest. It would be best to leave the face intact.
Malgaunt would be able to confirm the corpse's identity then. It was not
like Ariana would risk awakening Mihoshi just to be certain she had the
right person. That sort of detail could be left for later, when they had
the time.
The other three groups wandering the wilderness that Ariana had earlier
left
for dead could also be conveniently identified then as well. :)
Although the she had been pretty certain the first set had been nothing
more than a group of Care Bears, she wasn't going to take any chances. She
would kill them all and let Malgaunt sort them out.
After subtly looking around one more time to see if she could spot
anyone
else, and finding no one, she looked more closely at the hilt. Upon
making
out some of the details on it, Ariana gave a contemptuous laugh. "You
think
using a laser sword in the shape of the Master Key will make me quake in
my
boots, boy? It's an old trick. Believe me when I say I've killed
inexperienced little punks like you before breakfast just to wake me
up."
"But it is the Master Key," protested Tenchi.
"Yeah, right. Next thing, you'll be telling me you're the Emperor of
Jurai's
grandson or something."
Heh. You know, if I was going for levity at that moment, it would have fit
in perfectly.
blade of energy had cut through, and it nauseated him. When he had
driven
his sword through Kagato, there had been nothing -not even an obvious
wound
on his body- before he dissolved into a death so clean and sanitary that
it
had not even seemed real.
It's always nice when your dying enemies clean up after themselves. :)
Very. At least Tenchi isn't going to have to clean off his blade after
this. ^_^
pulled it up to cover her revealed flesh. "I can't believe you did that!
And I trusted you so much, Tenchi."
Heh.
"You didn't have to knock me out. If you wanted to have sex, all you had
to
do was ask."
Double heh.
Glad you liked them.
Once they were within ten feet of the entrance, Tenchi began to speak.
"I
think we'd better..." He trailed off as he heard a gentle unlocking
noise
come from the direction of the orb. For some odd reason, the smooth
surface
of the polynison had begun to retract, the top pulling back and
gathering
around the bottom. He stood transfixed as it continued opening until the
top half had retracted and the contents within the orb could be clearly
seen at last.
Hmm. It's reacting to the Master Key?
It seems logical.
Well, another nice piece of work from you, DB. A fun read as always.
Thank you.
The only
problem I had - well, minor objection really - was that you tend to kill
off
your villains just after providing them with a nice amount of
characterization
and depth.
Now that I think about it, this is true. Although Fera was sort of
developed at least a chapter before she got killed. For the threesome gone
over in this chapter, I think the best I could have done to include their
histories earlier would have been in the chapter before, and then it would
have thrown off the pacing of the confrontation with Pupei in the last
chapter and then the action in here. At least Onita and Funuyaki survived,
neh? ^_^
Stargrave's, of course, is the surprise for the end, though I think with
this chapter most everyone will have at least a basic understanding of what
he is, at least, from the handful of hints I gave.
Judging from this, I'd say there would be another 4-5 chapters left
in the series. :)
Ye shall see.
Hope this helps.
Very much. Thanks for all of the comments both from this and previosu
chapter. They are, as always, greatly appreciated.
D.B. Sommer