I don't know if any of this has been addressed before. I try not to read
other's C&C before I post my own, in order to keep myself neutral. So, if
any of this has been already addressed to death, I apologize in advance.
On Sun, 30 Jan 2000, Jack Staik wrote:
The Tendo Dojo, late at night.
All is quiet, all sleep ...
All save two.
I'm not really sure why you've constructed these chain of sentences the
way you did. The first one would work properly, if this were script form
(which it is not). The second changes it's subject midway, but keep the
sentence structure the same, which made me pause for a moment when I
initially read it.
My suggestion would be to put a semicolon in the middle of the second
sentence, and to tie it with the first. It you do this, but leave the
third separated, it slightly heightens the impact.
The window creaked open, shaking her from her silent reverie.
It was him.
It is between these two sentences that you suddenly change from present
tense to past tense. Decide which one you want to use, and be consistant.
He moaned. "I want to, ichuunohito. But you know what will happen. They'll
follow us to the ends of the earth."
"...know what would happen. They'd follow us..."
Then again, if speaking slightly 'off' is how you conceptualize Happosai's
speech, then ignore this.
"But if I told them that we truly loved each other -"
I recommend substituting the elipsis for the dash, if only because it's
something that has grown to be a standard.
She sighed. "When I first met you, I was repulsed. As I got to know you, I saw
every possible bad trait; crudeness, vulgarity ..."
That's very out of character for Kasumi. Too much so. While some OOCness
is is necessary for any fic like this, in order to be effective, you have
to at least link it -slightly- to the 'actual' characterization.
" ... and then I saw the true man. A warm, generous, compassionate man, prisoner
of his curses and upbringing. The man I love. The man I want to be the father of
my children."
He squeezed her tightly.
"No one ever affected me like you did," he murmured. "No woman ever could.
Those others all mean nothing."
"Who need Ran-chan, and Sakura-chan and Benten-chan and Oyuki-chan and..."
Sorry, too much UY.
"I love you, Happosai," she said.
"I love you, Kasumi-chan," he replied.
This is completely random. Was that the point? Of course it was. Did
you do it effectively? That's what I'd like to discuss.
Back in the day when Ranma fanfics were new, I suppose that you could
write a shocking scene like this, and it might work. But today, the
Ranma/Cologne, P-chan/Ukyou's spatula, and Mousse/rotting corpse spamfics
have already been done so much that whenever the author doesn't list the
name of a character involved in a scene by the second paragraph, many
readers automatically raise my suspicions. Thus, a completely bland
surprise like this is ruined.
The answer to this is misdirection. Give 'concrete proof' through
character traits that it is indeed one particular character that is
participating in the scene, then reveal at the end that not only is the
person different, but it is actually semi-plausible for the new character
tohave those traits.
One idea that immediately came to mind in the context of this fic was a
note before the fic started that this takes place before Ranma's curse is
revealed to his mother. Then, in the beginning scenes, give some insight
to the character about being trapped as a perfect model of a housewife,
and how her partner was her escape. Later, after the lime scene, perhaps
you could add a line about her softly stroking the fur over his wrists.
Then reveal that it is Happosai and Kasumi, and that the 'fur' is from a
set of fuzzy handcuffs. It's certainly IC for Kasumi to act as a
housewife, and for the master of perversion to have such equipment as
handcuffs with him. The reader, who may have narrowed down his choices to
Nodoka and Genma, will probably be very suprised. Perhaps even surprised
enough that his normal disbelief of a Happosai/Kasumi matchup will be
suspended for that one critical second...
-Natsume Ranma Ranma
-------
The sardines weren't worth the trouble. A few more shots, then
Ryoga-san would overheat and explode. Ducking around a corner,
I managed to lose him as I entered the ramshackle residence of
my Anime supplier.
One look at his face and I knew that I had been betrayed. "Tell me,"
I insisted. He refused, so I slammed him against the wall.
"Last chance. Where can Ranma-Ranma find good fanfics?"
"Try Jason Liao," he whispered, before he slumped to the floor.
I heard the sounds of a door splintering as I left through the
window, one step ahead of Tendo Heavy Industries...