Warning: The following is by no means dark by my
standards, but I am aware that other people judge the same
tag by different standards, so I will give fair warning
that there is a scene within this chapter which may cross
the boundaries for some people.
Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 is the property of Rumiko Takahashi
and her publishers. I am merely using the characters for
the purpose of profit-free entertainment and make no claim
on them.
The following people have been kind enough to create a page
to host my fanfics, so please take a look:
Vincent Seifert:
http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/kagami/
Yoshiro_san: http://members.xoom.com/Yoshiro_san/mother/
David Pascal: http://www.davidpascal.com/smj/
You can contact me at: kagami@jeack.com.au
harsh single colour. All of her clothing was restricted to
that one colour, she realized. When had it been since she
had worn a different hue?
{suggest} How long had it been
She turned to look at temple room that had been her home
at the temple {?}
for the past few months. She would not miss it. A quick
stroll past the dead holy fire of the main shrine brought
{"Dead holy fire". Nice.}
her outside into the dim morning light of cloud-covered
Fuji-san. "Well, Raijin, I return to you your temple,
Kaminari-jinja. I thank you for the loan," she murmured
sardonically.
believed their positions to be entirely appropriate. It
would hardly do for her to travel in less than complete
style, after all.
{"complete style" jars a bit, as it implies that style has an upper
limit; suggest} in less sumptuous style,
The litter rose swiftly into the air, borne on the
shoulders of the nine-tailed fox demons, and sped towards
the north. Inside, Shukumaru rested her head against the
warm fur of her companion and remembered a time when white
had yet to become the colour of death.
{Good lord, how old IS she? White's been the color of death for a LONG
time... Sounds like a segue into flashback, though.}
---
An Awakening of Demons
A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic
By Kagami
Chapter 7: Shukumaru
---
"I will not marry him!" Shukumaru spat out the words in
outrage.
{Yup, flashback. Take note, people, this is how to do it.}
"You will do as I tell you!" Yami-no-Tsume thundered at
his only child: his daughter, who should know better than
to argue with him on this matter. The solution was obvious
to him and seemed perfectly reasonable. Why was she being
so obstinate? "Masakado is perfectly willing to align
himself to us in order to marry you. You should be honoured!"
himself with us {?}
Shukumaru paled, trembling with deep rage. The claws on
her hands bit into the soft skin of her palm as she curled
her fingers into tight fists. Blood trickled from between
her clenched fists.
{"Fists" twice; suggest altering one.}
"Ahh, what am I to do, Raiha?" Yami-no-Tsume asked mildly.
He stroked the Thunderbeast's fur with his right hand. "If
only I had a son, then I wouldn't have to play these games
with the others." He shook his head in annoyance. "Using my
child as a pawn, what has the East become?"
pawn; what {or} pawn... what
Yes, Father, Shukumaru thought as she snuck away from the
sneaked {"snuck" is accepted, but does not suit the tone here.}
thin door. What has the East become? If only you had a son?
Why am I not worthy of assuming your place as Demon Lord?
Masakado only wishes to marry me in order to gain a second
Quarter. Only a fool would grant him the opportunity.
{Yeah, then it'd be a Half, and that's just wrong. Broken symmetry.}
Dance clubs were the latest fad in Tokyo. With the
migration of Beatles music a decade after the height of
their popularity in the West, the nightlife in the capital
hummed to the tunes of 'A Hard Day's Night' and 'All You
Need is Love'. Club Yellow in the Roppongi district was no
different. Heavy guitar chords and fastpaced cheerful
vocals assaulted Shukumaru as she passed through the door.
{Time cue here: I'm assuming this is mid to late '70s, or 10-20 years
earlier than R1/2, depending on whether you think it started in '86 or
ended in '96... I prefer the former, myself, but I suspect you mean the
latter.}
Even with the light earplugs, the music fairly pulsed
against her sensitive ears.
{Ha. A weak point! Someone tell Ranma! :) }
Shukumaru was dressed
completely in black, highlighting her pale skin and
flawless features.
{Fortunately this is before Goths. :) }
"Shukumaru. Nice to meet you." She spun, arms raised above
her head, using the motion to bump and grind against him.
>From the glitter in his eyes, he appreciated the moves she
{ ^ mailer }
she started toward her destination. 'Around the corner' was
the common euphemism for Aoyama Park, next to the Cemetery
of the same name. The short walk took her less than five
minutes to cover. Aoyama Park was dim and quiet, full of
{suggest omit "to cover"}
secluded locations and well-suited for her purposes.
"Hey there, babe."
Shukumaru turned and smiled welcomingly. Her smile widened
when she saw four street punks standing there instead of
Hikaru. Ahh. An entree course before the main meal. It
appetizer {? in modern parlance, an entree IS part of the main course...
in older usage, it's something served between main courses. Neither
seems to fit here.}
Obviously so. The boy was smiling, eyes dancing with
anticipation. He flickered his fingers in a come hither
come-hither (but suggest) beckoning
fashion at the thug leader. "Let's rock and roll!"
"Fool! I don't know who you think you are, but you'll
regret stepping on the territory of the Roppongi Scorpions!
I, Hatamei Hanzai, swear it!" the lead punk exclaimed.
{heh. Cute.}
Hikaru turned back to receive a knuckle duster in the
mouth, spinning him about, spitting blood. He stumbled
{suggest} mouth which spun him about, spitting
Hikaru smiled cheerfully at her and took one step towards
her, before staggering to one side. Shukumaru caught him
her before
"Fool," she chided, "why did you do it?"
"I'm a martial artist," Hikaru replied as though that
explained it all.
{ Well, it DOES! :) These punks are a bit more lively than most, but I
can't help sighing at the appearance of a bunch of stereotype
spear-carriers whose sole purpose is to allow the hero (?) to display
his valor. The redeeming feature here was that Shukumaru was too. :) }
---
I have always hated martial artists since, Shukumaru
realized with a pang.
{hehe!}
Somehow, he had wormed a contact number from her before she
left, and had called her the next day.
{ O_o Demons have phone numbers? Is this an AMG crossover? :) }
Shukumaru sighed as she snuggled into Raiha's warmth. It
would have been better if she had killed him that first
night.
{or maybe, if you want an older form} better had she killed
---
Fukuzushi was the site of their second meeting. Hikaru had
invited her to dinner at the elegant and expensive sushi
restaurant in Roppongi. Shukumaru felt at home amidst the
traditional Japanese decor and well-appointed surrounds of
surroundings {?}
Fukuzushi.
The aged crone was pouring over an ancient dust-covered
poring
text when Shukumaru entered her rooms.
door." She pointed to a side room, and Shukumaru availed
herself of the direction, not eager to meet with her father
whom she had assiduously avoided the past week. She closed
avoided for the {?}
the door and pressed her ear against the wooden panel,
curious to learn the reason for her father's visit.
"Very well then. I wish you to search out a mate who will
well, then.
provide me with issue. Male issue," the Demon Lord of the
East clarified. "I have conjoined with dozens of willing
female demons, and not one has given me a male child. Only
my wife has provided me with a child, but that was a
daughter.
{"Only" doesn't parse, if I understand what he's trying to say. Suggest}
Even my wife has only provided me with a daughter.
I want a son! An heir to carry on my great name
and sit upon the Eastern Throne!"
She really would kill him the next time she saw him. A yell
saved her from committing mass mayhem on the innocent girl.
{can't be "mass" if there's only one target. :) "massive", perhaps?}
"Hold on!" Hikaru cried out as he charged out of the large
inner doors. He hastily adjusted his hakama as he slid to a
stop next to them. "She's with me, Yumi. Go and pester
someone else for a change," he said, waving the girl off.
{How Nabiki-esque. :) }
Hikaru's older brother cheered lustily. "At last, my
little brother shows some taste. I was beginning to think
he hadn't inherited the family talent for spotting the
prettiest girl in the crowd. Of course, his talent is no
where close to mine." He glanced proudly at the blushing
nowhere {?}
bride beside him.
It was in that manner that Shukumaru was introduced to
Hiro Gosunkugi and his bride, Shura.
{ <piku> Gosunkugi? I wonder if our Gos was named after his uncle? They
don't seem to have much in common... but you wouldn't have done this if
you didn't have something in mind. I hope it's not the obvious: it's
very difficult to accept Gos as a competent sorcerer, i.e. able to
contrive any sort of link, even as annoyance, to a real demon...}
"That isn't fair, onii-san!" Hikaru hotly protested.
Onii-san!"
"Shukumaru's the most beautiful girl to me!"
"Yeah, yeah, tell it to someone who doesn't already know,"
Hiro said smiling. "I'm Hiro, and this is Shura. Thank you
{Which brings up a point: one doesn't use honorifics when referring to
oneself, but I believe one does when introducing others. "Shura-san"
might be overly formal, but safer than "Shura" (which might get the
wedding delayed for apologies) or "Shura-chan"... depends on their
relationship, I suppose.}
for coming with this idiotic brother of mine. It's nice to
meet you." He and Shura politely bowed, and Shukumaru
reciprocated the gesture.
They were a young couple by mortal standards, barely out
of their teens. Hikaru's older brother was studying to be a
photographer while Shura was pursuing a position as a
librarian. The Gosunkugis were obviously a wealthy family
since Hiro was marrying early, without first establishing a
career. Hikaru certainly had no problems spending money on
her.
{Noticed that.}
The wedding ceremony was solemn but delightfully brief,
interrupted only by frequent toasts by guests to the bride
and groom. A Shinto priest blessed the couple with various
prayers and incantations, while offerings of food were
presented on an altar. Fortunately, none of the chants were
demon-specific, nor were they directed at her, Shukumaru
noted with relief.
{Was wondering about that. Rats. :) }
There would not be any unpleasant
incidents to interrupt the ceremony. Hiro and Shura sipped
from shallow bowls of the wedding sake to seal their
marriage. The rest of the sake that Hikaru had saved
through his efforts was consumed with gustow amidst a storm
gusto
of hearty cheers from family and friends. Shukumaru
wondered if all Shinto weddings were as boisterous as this
one, or if it was merely Hikaru's family that partied so
well. She drank far too much, and Hikaru was more than
moderately drunk by the time they staggered out of the
reception. They stood there, holding hands and drinking in
the evening air to clear their alcohol-fogged brains.
{Hair of the fog? :) }
Hikaru's apartment in Aoyama was very much a bachelor pad,
though remarkably clean. Shukumaru only had eyes for the
bed. Sex was not a commitment to demons, and yet this
{suggest} Sex, to demons, was not a commitment, and
coupling weighed heavily on her mind. It was a commitment
to her, she realized, because of her emotions. For the
first time in her life, Shukumaru wanted to love and be
loved. How strange it was that those feelings were due to a
human.
The rolling object came to a halt by her right foot. Blood-
matted black hair framed a pair of dull blue eyes that
stared up unseeing at her. Hikaru would never lovingly gaze
upon her face again.
Rage and grief overwhelmed her, and she screamed her
anguish into the uncaring night.
{Very IY in tone, that scene. Applause.}
---
Shukumaru flung the doors open and strode into the throne
room of Yami-no-Tsume, Demon Lord of the East and her
father. Demons of all shapes and sizes lined the path
before the Eastern Throne as Yami-no-Tsume sat in audience.
Powerful oni, chattering fish-like kappa, laughing kitsune,
{I think of kappa as more turtle-like, myself; they have legs, not
fins.}
The great Demon Lord sat brooding on his throne. Not an
iron-forged monstrosity laced with skulls for Yami-no-
Tsume. No, while that might satisfy the barbaric natures of
gaijin demons, Yami-no-Tsume was a refined demon. He sat
upon delicate construct of teak and ivory, inlaid with
upon a delicate
mother-of-pearl and tomb jade. Yet the culture and
refinement was merely a thin veneer of civilization over
the horrific lusts that welled up in every demon's
corrupted essence.
{I can't help thinking of Ranma in this context, of course.}
"But when you spared the life of this human, then it became
my prerogative. He chose to love you, and so he chose to
{or perhaps} my duty. {or} my obligation.
die. You may have felt affection for him, Shukumaru, but
understand this, no daughter of mine shall soil herself so."
Shukumaru shook in the grips of a silent rage. Her father
would control her thus, and she was powerless to prevent
it, for now. But it would not always be so, she promised
herself. No, things would change and her time would come...
and soon. "Very well, Father," she said. Her voice sounded
cool and calm, untouched by the hidden rage. "If you will
excuse me, I believe I will travel to Rashamon and visit
Mother."
{Rashamon? Heh.}
Yami-no-Tsume reclined into his throne and relaxed his
stiff spine, pleased that his point had been made. "Very
well, Daughter. Return in a week's time. The plans for your
marriage to Masakado will proceed then." He waved a hand to
dismiss her.
And Shukumaru departed.
---
The tone here is more IY than R1/2, and that's fitting. This is almost a
side story, but not quite, because it sheds light on some characters,
and this will feed back into the main story. Nicely integrated, I must
say, and the tale itself is gripping... partially because it raises many
questions.
I will suggest finding a Japanese reading for the name of the "Old
Woman" and using that instead; you do everywhere else.
Thanks for writing and sharing!
Vince Seifert Fanfic Analyst FFIRC Frog
Prime: seifertv@csus.edu
Backup: seifertv@myrealbox.com
Techie: http://webpages.csus.edu/~seifertv/
Fanfic: http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/toth/
Ideas are worth their weight in gold.