And here you probably thought I forgot about this.
Well, finishing WUE has allowed me to get my other projects back on track
(as much as they ever are); Chapter Eleven's finished in draft as well,
and
should be out relatively soon.
Here am I, not even having read this yet, and already I want to see chapter
11. Boy I'm an impatient cuss.
Commentary welcomed and appreciated, as always.
And here's some. C+Cing as I go along:
Wincing as her bruises protested even the simplest
movements, Afura sat down on the bed beside Shayla. "You know,
every time this happens, you say that."
And every time Shayla says it, Afrua ignores it, yes?
"No, I doubt that you do. You should acquire the self
control
self-control, (I think.)
"It's just so damn hard," Shayla muttered, tension beginning
to flow out of her voice and body. Fire was right for her; burn
hot, burn quick.
Nice comparison.
Something had set both of them apart, though, and made them,
if not exactly outcasts, somehow separate from the other
students. Perhaps it was whatever had made the Muldoon Council
choose them as the priestesses who would tend the sacred shrine
atop the mountain that had given the sect its name.
Probably.
Afura had been the first person Shayla spoke to after five
months of silence.
And Shayla had said, "Would you please not stand on my foot like that?"
Now, with a gesture repeated more than a few
times over the years, she reached out and took one of her
friend's hands between both of hers.
"Ever wonder what's harder?" she asked quietly, seriously.
"Having to remember, or not having anything to remember?"
"What's sharper, Afura," Shayla replied, "the point of a
sword, or the edge of a sword?"
Afura: That's easy. The point. Got any others?
Shayla: Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Afura: The egg.
Shayla: Wow. You're good.
The two of them sat in silence for a while. Shayla's hand
trembled with pleasant warmth in Afura's gentle clasp. She was
suppressing further tears, holding them back.
Because it just didn't elicit the same emotions as when Nanami held it.
That deep retsrained passion just wasn't there. Besides, Afura's hands felt
like a couple of ice cubes.
Yes, I'm still on the Nanami/Shayla bit, Alan. It's fun. ^_^
"You know what scares me the most, Afura?" Knowing it for
a rhetorical question, Afura did not answer.
After a few moments, Shayla said, "Well?"
"That was a rhetorical question. I'm not answering it," Afura responded.
"It was?" Shayla asked.
"Yes."
"Oh." Odd, Shayla had been sure it hadn't been, but Afura was pretty smart
about such things. If she had said it was rhetorical, then it was and that
was all there was to it.
"Some day, I'm
going to be fighting, and I'm going to freeze, and hear my mom's
voice saying, 'It is wrong to do harm to prevent harm', and even
if I only freeze up for a second, someone's going to die because
of that, someone that I care about.
Ah. Now it begins to fall into place.
"Why don't you just talk to him, if you're so concerned
about what he thinks?"
Because that would be too easy and would spare us some angst. ^_^
Perra stepped onto the forking roads Katsuhiko Jinnai walked
with an ease coming from both long practice and natural gift.
She was the Lilaian Sibyl, the inheritor from her mother of a
tradition almost destroyed in the Holy Wars, and the countless
pogroms that followed over the centuries after it ended. People
did not like what they perceived as false prophets, especially
when the prophets told them to stop doing things they wished to
continue doing.
Hehehe. That is so, so true.
After one step on Jinnai's road, she knew he was one warned
against; had known, really, since she met his eyes.
And the disturbing laugh had just confirmed it beyond all measure.
The Demon-
Waker. Every path led to darkness: she saw him standing on a
crest of rock high above the ocean's surge, beckoning with his
hands, and demons rose in answer to do him service; another path,
and he stood laughing upon a mountain slope as endless legions
marched below him; another, a panoramic view of the world, and a
slow cancerous blackness spreading over the continents.
Fun loving Jinnai, that's him.
reached a single road without forks, and followed it back,
glimpsing episodes along the way, three faces prominent: his
sister (her double), a handsome dark-haired boy (he hated him,
with the twisted hate only possible among those who had once been
friends). The third face was covered in darkness; something
buried so deep, so painful, that she could not see it.
Interesting. I take it we'll learn what it is before the end.
But, despite what was hidden, she knew him, and, in knowing
him, lost loathing and fear and hate; they dissolved like sand
swallowed by the sea. Verses spiralled through her head: shall
hate end by hate? nay, through love shall hate be ended; shall
war end by war? nay, through peace shall war be ended; shall evil
end by evil? nay, by good shall evil be ended. My servant, I am
well pleased with you, for you have brought them out of darkness.
Nice passage.
"What did you do to him, little witch?" the Bugrom Queen
snarled, the threat of a bone-breaking tightening shivering in
bare restraint within her grip. "Answer!"
"Lobotmized him," Perra answered.
"Oh." Deva relaxed. It was nothing bad, then.
Around them, the other Bugrom huddled in a concerned crowd,
chattering like a flock of agitated hens. Deva glared down at
Perra, lips snarlingly twisted. "I said, answer me. If you have
harmed my Grand General, you will die slowly."
"Of old age, to be specific," Deva clarified. That was sure to strike
terror into the heart of the girl.
Forcing her way through the Bugrom as
Bugrom, as (I think. Not really all that sure)
Deva turned her angry gaze upon Nanami. "Look at what she's
done to your brother."
"And this is supposed to concern me how, exactly?" Nanami asked.
"What if he comes out of it?" Deva said.
"Ohh. I see what you mean." Nanami now looked on in concern as well.
Jinnai blinked. Slowly. Then he looked around at the
gathered Bugrom. "Give us some space." Obediently, the hulking
insects shuffled back; even Nanami and Deva stepped away,
although neither looked happy. "Now." He leaned towards Perra
with conspiratory closeness. "How can we mutually benefit one
another?"
"Hot sex." Perra answered.
"With you as a double of my sister? I think not." There were some boundries
even Jinnai wouldn't cross. Besides, she might really be a guy, with the
whole Fatora/Makoto bit and if things worked the same way for other people
here.
As Perra opened her mouth to speak, her father chose that
moment to stomp over. "You are not serious, daughter. How can
you think of going with them?"
Perra: After being locked in the room of fire, how can you even ask,
father?
"I am not designed for it," the war machine replied
neutrally. "I do not function at maximum offensive capability
when out of the water."
"I'll be as useful as an unplugged toaster."
"If he interferes with me, I'll crush him like a bug!"
Jinnai clenched his fist tightly to punctuate. "No offense,
Queen Deva."
Nanami touched Perra's shoulder. "Can we talk for a
minute?" she asked quietly.
Have them switch clothes and really screw with Jinnai's mind. ^_^
Because he hurts inside so much. Because I wish to heal him.
Because his paths are not yet solid, and may be changed. Because
I have feared the Demon-Waker since I was a little girl, and now
I see that he is nothing more than a sad and frightened boy.
"Because God so wills it."
That too.
"Everything Katsuhiko does comes out twisted."
"Have you never thought to wonder why?"
Nanami: Because he's twisted?
Perra: Oh. So you know already.
A small, drying patch of drool coated the shellacked floor
near Nahato's lips; as the cabin door opened, he began to freshen
it. Lethiaphan descended into the darkened cabin with slow and
measured steps, needing no light to see. Beside Nahato, it knelt
down. The boy's eyes opened, and blankness stared into blankness
through the dark.
nice turn of the phrase there.
by her childish infatuation with him. On to other things.
Impressive and intimidating as my show of force against their
fleet was, Makoto Mizuhara is stubbornly implacable in the way
only one worthy to be my eternal foe--at least until I put a
permanent end to him--can be. I've concluded that he and his
friends will probably be attempting to follow us; do you
understand?"
"Yes."
"You want me to join them and help stop you."
"Thirty-two minutes, fifteen seconds..."
"Indeed? How do you know so precisely?"
"Makoto Mizuhara has linked himself to me. I can feel him
approaching."
Darn good reason.
"Silence! This is intolerable, how could you allow it to
happen? Aren't you supposed to protect me? Who programmed you,
complete incompetents?
"His name was Willy Gates--" Lethiaphan began.
hand, nor shall I stand by and allow any other hands to harm her;
do not look so dubious, please. Done? Ready? Away, then!"
I understand the use of only using Jinnai's dialogue here, it helps to
speed things along and it's easy to divine what's happening, but I don't
think I'd use it overmuch. One of the best things about reading your work
is the skillful prose you use, and this effectively neutralizes it.
"Oh, God, shelter her beneath your hands, for you have
placed great burden upon her, and delivered her into the clutches
of the unrighteous. Surely there is some greater good behind
this, surely out of this you shall bring the triumph of
righteousness, but keep my daughter safe. As you will it, Lord."
Trident, flying.
Pinned to the beach, butterflylike, in macabre display.
Blood scrawled beneath him; no genus or identifying name.
Blood looks black upon the sand, and gets blacker as time passes.
Out in the ocean, standing on the waves, the sea-god waits.
That was a nasty bit of work there. Short, but terribly effective. Nice
writing.
Second method: pretend the conflict didn't actually happen.
The second method was currently being used aboard the
cutter.
Of course.
"Slow the ship, Alielle," said Makoto. Their approach
became a hesitant crawl. "Miz, Afura." The wind stopped
blowing; the sea smoothed out, glass-calm, until it seemed a flat
plain. "Now."
And, as they launched themselves to the attack, Lethiaphan
began, horribly, to laugh.
Damn you! Making us wait until next time for the final conflict.
Princess Rune Venus of Roshtaria was sipping tea on her
balcony and reading a dispatch from her sister (Still occupied in
Balam. Certain difficulties have arisen. More details later--
Fatora.) when the entire palace shook at the sound of some distant
eruption.
Oh dear, a volcano erupted at the same time the fight began.
A messenger arrived short minutes later, and informed her
that whatever it was, it had apparently emerged from the
underground vaults which lay below the Royal Library.
Ah, reenforcements. That should help things out. Of course it's too bad
Ifurita is still in limbo somewhere. Come to think of it, where is Ifurita
and that little case of head she was getting the last time we saw her?
Excellent work, as always. Not much in the way of grammer errors. Perra's
starting to develop as a character, Jinnai moves closer to his goal, a
final fight with Lethiaphan appears in the works. The chapter seemed
smaller than usual, but it might have been just me. In any case this is
great work and I can't wait for the next part.
D.B. Sommer