Subject: [FFML] Re: Honor's Duty, Stanza Two
From: "JJ Corley" <ronin_salsolo@hotmail.com>
Date: 1/27/2000, 8:03 PM
To: s2mlmill@titan.vcu.edu, ronin_salsolo@hotmail.com, ffml@fanfic.com


-I really shouldn't be sending this to the list.. But I don't want to keep regurgitationg answers. So, gentle reader, please forgive me if I do it all at once.

You reposted the first part two days after posting the second. Now thats confusing.

-No. I posted both on the same day. I posted Stanza Two on the twenty sixth, midnightish. I hadn't intended to repost Stanza One. However, after five people requested it, I decided to do a repost. NGE:HD Stanza One was originally posted back in September or October of '99. I apologize for any confusion this might have caused.

<snip>

-Funny, that.

[_}~`\-/'~{_]
   ^ " ^

All right. What's with these funky things?

-It's an Eva. Remember Jet Alone? That's him, sans the legs. Work with me on the Ascii, people..

He turned quickly to face the newcomer, wondering how they had snuck up on
him.

No they. He. Newcomer is gender unspecific and thus in English is
masculine. She would be permissable, because you're about to reveal it's Ritsuko.

-Interesting theory. Very. I'm being gender-non specific, so I don't agree on the newcomer point. After all, 'the newcomer' sounds better than 'the new person'.

   "Yes, and no."

I think just Yes and no would be fine. I fail to see the reason for that comma.

-It's called a pause. You can use a comma to denote a pause when spoken in dialogue. It's just not a very long pause. The ranking, for those who are interested, is thus (Dialogue only rules, mind you):

- comma (,) = the space between breaths. Lasts anywhere between half a second to 1.5 seconds.
- Double dot (..) = The kind of pause nessasarry to make a rude guesture, or quickly think of something else to say. Lasts about 2 to 3 seconds.
-Triple dot (...) = By itself, a responce of complete and utter silence. This happens when someone just stops talking in the middle of a sentance, only to start again, usuaqlly on a different topic. Can last anywhere between 4 seconds to half an hour, depending. The record tridot silence spell is held by Ikari Gendou, who sat for ten hours without the slightest murmer. Keele was not pleased.

   She desperately needed a break, but as long as she was the only one
who >could pilot the Eva, she could not rest.

Give her two shots of Absolut. I bet it would do wonders for her Sync
rate.

-Vodka isn't the answer.. It's Hagen Das. Nothin' like triple fudge moka almond brownie to put that synch ratio over the top! Amperestunde.. solcher Bliss!

<snip>

"Isashiburi desu ne?"

Personnally, I really don't like this. There are several possible things this could be so assuming its one by location isn't wise, and I sure don't know enough japanese to make a wise guess. In an English fic, only use Japanese where the meaning is so brutally, obviously clear that it barely even needs to be said and even still, give lots of hints.

-Ok.. A word on 'isashiburi desu ne'. IT HAS NO ENGLISH EQUIVOLENT. As far as I have learned, after only three years of trying to speak Japanese, it is a cross between 'long time no see', 'how's it been', and 'I'll see ya later'. The dubbed version of Eva episode 1 copped a 'Its been a while', but that still isn't right. The idea is that for Gendou to have said that particular phrase after ten years of seperation.. well.. being sardonic is putting it lightly: it's highly insulting.

   "Shinji, You will use the Evangelion to battle the
angel. Why? Because if you do not, all of mankind shall perish
in fiery oblivion."

Wow. Did it in eight seconds. I timed it.

-I try. I really do.

   "A Martial Artist's duty, his honor, lies not with
himself, but in helping and protecting those in need - those
who cannot, or will not, defend themselves - to the best of
their ability.

his ability

-Actually, take a look at the subject. A Martial Artist. I'm being non-specific, so it works.

   Gendou, high above, smiled a slow resentful smile. It would work.

I don't think resentful is the word you want here.

-You're Ikari Gendou. You've sacrificed most of your life, the only woman you've ever loved, and the ability to raise your own son.. all to save an ungrateful world. If you don't feel any resentmet, please check your pulse.

`those is two dark servents of the Lillim`

I'm not sure whether you wanted the bad grammar here or not.

-I did. It's supposed to be funny.

Well, ou have a few problems. Excessive overuse of question marks, one
is enough even in exclamations, and ellipses, one is enough, per
chapter. Other than that it's pretty good.

-I don't like them there any more than you, but take a look at where the elipses are. Can you write in that important information into the sentance any other way? If you can, I'll congradulate you. Be sure to tell me, because I would like to know. I am not a professional, just someone with a penchant for writing.


Miashara

- JJ Corley
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