My answers will be enclosed in square [ ] brackets.
I didn't actually read the first version of this story, so I can't comment on
what changes you made. But maybe a fresh perspective will help some...
[First off, let me say thanks for this very detailed C&C. Yours is the first
that explained a couple of objections to the story that I was having a difficult
time understanding. Fortunately, now that I understand the problems better, the
fixes do not appear to be that difficult to effect. At least not the problems I
intend to fix.]
loud it made his head hurt. His abdomen felt all puffy and he had that
greasy feeling that he got a couple of times back when Ko Lon had given him the
Full-Body Cat's Tongue.
A couple of times? I didn't think he stayed trapped in female form for
THAT long, but I suppose that's open to interpretation.
[Takahashi doesn't inform us much on exact scheduling. Sequence is always clear,
but time is almost always an obscure issue. I took a little license here because
I was witness to three sisters and two daughters dealing with the coming of
menarche and have concluded that the first time is the worst one. The second
season does not seem to be all that traumatic. I did not want Ranma entirely
comfortable with the experience, but not in a panic over it. Unwarranted
perfectionism on my part, I suppose.]
I'm in Tofu's clinic, he thought to himself. Why am I here? What
happened? Why was I dreaming about marrying...Oh, shit! The wedding! Why
won't the stupid bastards give us a rest! Akane's gonna be furious.
Okay, this is just a formatting question. Here you have him thinking to himself
without quotation marks, but later he has a conversation with himself and
everything is in quotes. I didn't think he was answering his own questions
aloud, so this seems a little strange. Maybe you could offset thoughts - and
the voice of his "smarter half" in the interior monologue below - with brackets
or something.
[Sorry, I don't do brackets in a story. The professionals don't use them and I
am in self-training to become a good enough writer to be a professional. I will
look at the problem you raise, but no brackets.]
Gritting his teeth, made the pain in his head nearly unbearable. He went
through the flashing lights and blurred vision thing again.
Maybe "routine" or "ordeal" as opposed to "thing"...
[SOLD! "Ordeal" it is. I like "ordeal." It works much better than "thing." I
fell victim to California speak. It isn't as bad as Texican, my native tongue,
but it often causes me trouble when writing. Television helps spread the
disease.]
"Glowed, hell! She shined like the morning sun on a clear day in
winter."
"shone"
Though you could argue that Ranma is simply using bad grammar to himself.
[Nope. It's my fault and I'll fix it. This is just a plain old, everyday, stupid
mistake. Consider it fixed.]
"I ain't worthy of her yet," he whispered aloud to himself, "What the
hell do I have to give her besides me? Ain't I some kinda sweet deal! What good
am I to her? I'm a girl half of the time! How am I gonna take care of her? Sure,
I'm a world class martial artist. So what? That don't put no rice in her bowl by
itself. Besides, all I've ever done is make life hard for her. Akane's lucky to
have lived through all the crap that followed me here."
If you wanted to take this scene at a different angle, you might have Ranma's
"wiser" voice take on the aspect of his girl-side. A clear metaphor that he is
the way he is for good.
[Thank you! This is a fascinating idea and I will give it serious consideration
during this next repair session. If I decide that I can pull it off, Onna-Ranma
will give Otoko-Ranma a bad time. I really do like this notion. It's hard to
resist...]
"Yeah, I suppose."
"It's the money, ain't it?"
"Yeah."
While it is very believable that Ranma would be deeply worried about money,
since he and his father lived penniless for so long, though you might want
to include some explanation as to why he's never expressed this worry before.
[Good point. Can be done at the cost of very few words. Will happen.]
"Easier said than done!"
"Not so hard you can't do it though. All you really need to do is end
the chaos."
"Things are never goin' to be neat, peaceful and orderly around me. No
one has that much control. Whadda ya think I am? Lord High Daimyo of the
Universe or somethin'?"
"No, but you can put a stop to much of it, and you should."
This is where I lose you a little, though not entirely. It's very hard for me
to accept that Ranma doesn't LIKE his life the way it is, with all the "chaos"
that entails. It runs against the way I see him from the source material, and I
can't just take it as a given that Ranma really desires peace in his life
without more explanation.
You do have him thinking that he'll have to settle his life down to marry
Akane, which is a believable approach to me. However, I would like to see an
acceptance on Ranma's part that he nourishes the chaotic nature of his life by
his own actions and desires. To have him just blame everybody else makes him
seem too shallow.
[You know, this did cross my mind and I think I might have tried to do this in
the original draft. Sometimes I let the editorial part of my mind get carried
away with the knife. I think it can be repaired with very little cost in the
form of word count.]
"Pop comes first."
"Why your dad first?"
"Because he's the one that set up the wedding, then went and messed it
up by trying to steal our most important wedding present."
Ranma has forgiven his father for much in the past, and I don't know that this
would be SO different. Perhaps it's reasonable for Ranma to become
disillusioned with his father's self-centered nature... I don't know. It seems
like a lot, on top of everything else. The Ranma of the original series does
not hold deep grudges, and we see him now compiling a long list of them. It
makes me wary of the direction the story is taking.
[The key difference between other times and this time is Akane. I've tried very
hard to make this clear without spelling it out with a simple, declarative
statement. Ranma is not upset with what has happened to him, he is upset with
what has happened and what may well happen again to Akane, should he fail to put
people on notice. It was not just Ranma that got hurt this time. Akane very
nearly died at Jusendo and has been insulted on her wedding day, shortly after
returning from a long and difficult adventure in China. Henceforth, insulting
Akane Tendo earns you one mild ass whipping by R. Saotome (of either form) as
the minimum punishment. Do something nasty to her, or hurt her and you wil go to
the hospital. You will go directly to the hospital, no passing go, no collecting
two-hundred dollars, et cetera, et cetera. I'll put in a note to the effect, "If
they know I'll whip Pop then...]
"What about Happosai?"
"We'll hold off on the old lecher."
"Good idea, Saotome. I don't think we want any more blood on our hands,
now do we?"
"Whadda ya mean, more blood?"
"You killed Saffron, remember?"
This is fine, though. It plays into your overall "battle fatigue" theme, and
Ranma doesn't have much reason to care about Happi's welfare (though he has
shown sympathy for the old goat in the past).
[ Yes, I do agree that he has displayed sympathy for the Happosai in the
past.This issue is discussed openly in the scene with Tofu at the Tendo
domicile. In the past, Happosai did not grope Akane on her wedding day. Akane
now belonga Ranma. Ranma breaka face. Yes, I am changing things around a bit. I
don't see how they could fail to change. Takahashi ended the series here.]
"Do it this way. Wait and cool off a little so you know you can stay in
control, then you can make him miserable for a couple of months."
"I really like that idea."
I actually like this because it reveals Ranma's overconfident nature. Whether or
not he's a better martial artist than Happosai by the end of the series is up
for debate, but he's miles and miles behind the old lecher when it comes to
making someone's life miserable.
[True, Ranma has never in the past of the entire series demonstrated any
inclination to hold a grudge or exercise vengence, with the exception of what he
did to Mousse over those stupid glasses. In that episode however, Mousse
humiliated Ranma in public, making Ranma so murderously angry he actually
frightened Soun out of a Demonhead Conniption. Come to think of it, Ranma's
demonhead conniption is considerably more frightening than Soun's. This time, it
is Akane that has been publicly humiliated. He is rather cheesed off. No, he
doesn't quite know how to execute this sort of prolonged operation, but he has
Nabiki around to help him out. One roasted Happosai! Coming up!]
better, no more pictures until things are settle between us and Akane. This is
for damned sure going to be on top of whatever it is Akane is already doing to
her. Akane is a little too quick to forgive and forget."
A curious thing for him to say about Akane, who is not too quick to forgive and
forget Ranma's offenses. I know that you have Ranma and Akane falling in love
in this story, but that doesn't necessarily mean they haven't got some things to
work out still.
[You have a point here. Akane does tend to forgive and forget for everyone but
Ranma. I will strike this sentence. ]
What are we going to do to Kuno?"
"I will think up something massive for Kuno. He drew steel at Akane's
wedding. Worse, he thinks he can lord it over her and tell her and her family
what they can or can't do. That shit is going to stop as soon as I can get out
of this bed. I am going to hurt him so bad that the very mention of Akane's name
will make him break out in hives."
Much more believable to me that, in this new dangerous state, Ranma would focus
his aggressions towards Kunou rather than his father, at least at first.
[Here we'll have to agree to disagree. Kuno has been largely an annoyance of
relatively short duration. Genma has been a major pain in the ass for a large
fraction of Ramma's lifetime. What father hasn't been? Genma is a grown man and
should have had better sense than to disrupt a wedding he knew full well was
only reluctantly being accepted by the guests of honor. Kuno is a delusioned
teenager that just finally stepped across the line. Genma gets walloped first.]
Another thing you might consider with this "voice in the head" tactic - maybe
the voice is not really as reasonable as it sounds. Ranma is edging into battle
fatigue, and is therefore beginning to consider levels of violence that he
previously would have eschewed. Maybe the "voice" should provide the
suggestions and encouragement - "You've got to hurt Kunou. You can't just beat
him up - that's never worked before. This time, you have to make sure it
lasts."
[Excellent point. I will incorporate this suggestion. Perhaps not in quite the
manner you suggest, but look for it in the re-write.]
Ranma must learn to cope with this suggestive voice if he is to cope with his
condition. Something to think about.
[Also an excellent point. Thank you.]
"What about Ukyo?"
"Jeez! I can't really blame Ukyo for being angry with me and dad, now
can I? Okay. I'll let her off with no more than a spanking."
"Yes! Then you must spank all of us!"
"A spanking! A spanking!"
Ahem. Excuse me. Castle Anthrax flashback there.
No, really, I have to warn you about this part. Ukyou and Shampoo essentially
do the same thing at the wedding, yet you have Ranma coming to VERY different
conclusions about them. This is where the story begins to feel like Character
Slam territory. Perhaps I'm wrong, but it comes across to me like this: you,
the author, like Ukyou and don't like Shampoo, and thus Ranma feels the same
way.
[I can now readily see how you might get this impression. I think it the root
cause of many complaints I have received about "demonizing" Shampoo, but no one
before now pointed out why they got this impression. Thank you for helping out
here. I can fix this quite easily now that I know where the trouble lies.
Shampoo's attachment to Ranma is rather different from that of Ukyo's. There is
a little bit of the Ranma character's bias at work here. Ukyo started out as
Ranma's best friend. Shampoo started out with Ranma as a deadly enemy. She
chased him all the way from Qinghai to Nerima trying to kill him. After she
arrived in Nerima, Ranma had stop Shampoo from killing Akane twice. He himself
had to run like hell to stay alive while avoiding the necessity of harming
Shampoo. Ukyo has a completely legitimate claim on Ranma by Japanese custom and
law. Shampoo's claim is totally foreign in nature. I am expecting too much from
my readers in this case and it is easily rectified. Consider it fixed. Again,
thank you for making the underlying nature of the problem clear. Until now, I
could not understand this particular accusation (by others).]
If Ranma is right about Shampoo, you haven't yet convinced me of Shampoo's
murderous intent. If he's wrong and if he's just being paranoid, I think that
needs to be a little more clear.
[Without either confirming or denying, let us say I wanted the matter to be left
unclear. Notice that I did have Tofu cast doubt upon the validity of Ranma's
fears, even though he did exercise caution, and I very carefully damped Akane's
response. Nabiki's reaction? I'll work on it, but it seems reasonable that she
would tend to err on the side of discretion in this case.]
ain't laid up on her ass and helpless like you are right now."
"I _will_ stay in control."
"Ah, Ranma-kun! I see you are awake at last," Tofu Ono said with a wry
smile, "How are you feeling?"
You might work on this transition. It comes rather suddenly, switching from
Ranma's internal conversation to his external one with Tofu.
[Agreed! I'll work on it.]
Ranma felt a sudden surge of relief. Tofu was a more than capable
martial artist. One of the few that Ranma knew of who was capable of concealing
his aura to the point of masking his presence in a room. Akane would be safe
with Tofu around.
"One of the few..." is a sentence fragment.
[Oops! I fixed a comma splice that wasn't really a comma splice.]
"You'll have to watch for trouble like you were in a combat zone, Doc."
This sounds too soldier-like to me from Ranma. He's a fighter, but he's never
been in the military.
[Agreed. I will re-word this one.]
"I'm sorry, Dr. Tofu! I didn't realize I was doing it."
Tofu smiled and said, "I know that, Ranma."
"I didn't even know I _could_ do it," Ranma said sounding puzzled, "What
the hell was I doing?"
Variation on the "Soul of Ice," sounds like. Interesting.
[Good! It seems that most readers are catching this allusion. It was one of the
ones I expected everyone to miss, but they haven't.]
Akane's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates as she nodded her head
in the affirmative. They walked on in silence for a few steps
"nodded her head in the affirmative" is kind of stilted. Also the sort of
phrase which attracts Megane 6.7. Be careful.
[Er...okay. I'll fix it, but who or what is Megane 6.7?]
"How can you say that, Dr. Tofu? It isn't natural?"
"Oh, really? Throughout history Akane, nearly twenty-percent of the
human population has been homosexual. That percentage has gone up or
I've never heard the percentage rated as quite so high... and I even lived in
the Santa Cruz area for three years. I think Tofu could reassure Akane without
drawing upon these kinds of statistics anyway.
[I will give serious consideration to this one. It is a rather controversial
number, but it is the one that made the rounds in the news here a while back. I
agree with you that Tofu could reassure Akane without the numbers and will
reword accordingly. No need to inject distractions from the story at hand,
what?]
to suffer the ills the majority of his patients suffered from. Either or both
could die in an accident or a fight, but heart disease or lung disease or any of
the most common killers of people were pretty much ruled out for this pair.
Like they were for Bruce Lee? And Jim Fixx? I don't mean to be unkind here,
but Tofu would know that even incredibly fit people are still vulnerable to
defective hardware.
[My understanding was that Bruce Lee's problem was drug related. Jim Fixx?
American? Our big problem is our diet. Too many lipids. Ditto for Russian ice
skaters. Cancer and lung disease are the big killers in Japan. They like
cigarettes more than we do. Lipid related troubles are far less common and I
notice that Ranma & Co. pretty much stick to a traditional Japanese diet of
fish, rice and veggies. Even so, who would you bet on to live longer, Ranma and
Akane, or Archie and Edith Bunker?]
"I see," Tofu said speculatively, "but didn't Ukyo throw some as well?
That's what I was told."
"Yeah, but she was throwin' her stuff at me because she meant to hit me,
not Akane. Her argument is with me and she knows it. I didn't mind that too
much. I can understand her bein' mad at me."
I see the attempted explanation here, but it just doesn't work for me. If you
take as the assumption that the bombs were of the deadly variety (rather than
the conventional exploding pineapples and Happo-firebursts we see routinely in
the original series), then Ukyou would have been trying to kill Ranma by
throwing the bombs at him rather than Akane. Seems that he's forgiving that
rather easily. Unless you're also assuming Ukyou was using some other kind of
bomb... and that starts to seem like a real stretch.
[Here again, what happened to Ranma is not the issue. I am doing my best through
the dialogue of the characters to demonstrate the root of Ranma's concern. His
primary concern is what may happen to Akane, not himself. Shampoo said that she
was aiming for Akane, not Ranma. I know the translation is accurate, because I
drug out my kanji references and checked it for myself. I wanted to be sure on
this point. Shampoo, whether she meant it seriously or not, posed a threat to
Akane the last time Ranma was conscious. He is now lying abed suffering from a
mild concussion and burns inflicted upon his person by Shampoo, Ukyo and
Happosai, with Happsai's little blast doing the bulk of the physical damage.
Additionally, Ranma is emotionally overwrought. Ukyo feeds him all the time.
Shampoo embarrasses him all the time. How much has to be in the story before it
becomes obvious that I am not picking on Shampoo, just to pick on Shampoo? The
situation I depict here is intended to naturally flow from evidence easily
recognizable in the regular series. At least it does to me. Had it been Ukyo
that had done all these things, it would be Ukyo that I would have Ranma worried
about. I am trying, very hard, to create a situation which flows logically from
the series at Volume 38.]
looked at Akane as she stared at Ranma and realized that Nerima might soon be
embroiled in a feud little different from that between the Hatfields and the
McCoys. Tofu broke from his reverie with a shudder, only to find Ranma staring
at him with a fevered gaze.
Suggest that you substitute a Japanese cultural reference rather than the
American west one. There are undoubtedly a number of significant feuds in the
past to use as examples.
[Oddly enough, the Hatfield-McCoy feud was in the eastern US. I started to use
the Taira-Minamoto feud, but did not know if it would fly for the majority of
the audience. Taira-Minamoto it will be. I readily concede your point.]
Kasumi blinked at his calling her nurse and Tofu hated being so
impersonal with her, but now was not the time for him to loose control
"lose" control. The interchanging of "loose" and "lose" is becoming an
increasingly common grammar failure.
[My mistake. It was not intentional and it will be repaired forthwith. I do know
better, but I sometimes do this while typing rapidly.]
solution I-I-I think, Tofu said silently to himself as he carefully Is he
mentally stuttering? I don't understand that.
[Consider it fixed. It is an unwarranted affectation on the author's part.]
"Now you should be able to hear a gnat land a hundred meters away,
Genma-kun," Tofu said in a voice so low he should not have been heard by anyone.
Genma quickly covered his ears with both hands as his eyes grew wide
with shock.
"Don't worry," Tofu subvocalized, "It will only last a few hours."
I still don't understand why Tofu does this. It also seems to be professionally
unethical. Having a patient to treat does not give him license to abuse anybody
else.
[ I claim prescedent from the occasion when Tofu used a pressure point on
Ranma's back, causing his legs to quit working a short time later. This was
intended to help Ranma out with his relationship to Akane. I see no reason for
Tofu to be shy now when the stakes are much higher.]
"Right away, Doctor," Kasumi said, working hard to keep a straight face.
How does Kasumi know what happened?
[Good question. I'll check this one and make necessary changes.]
Nodoka began setting the table which provided Genma with a number of
alarums and scarums. He reached for the aspirin bottle.
A number of whats? And I didn't know Nodoka was here up to this point. Maybe
Tofu should have said hello to her (if he isn't going to apply some sort of
devious pressure point, which is how he seems to be introducing himself right
now).
[Well damn! Don't tell me I accidently cut out her entrance! I might have done
so between the first and second versions. I'll check it and see if I did.]
By the time the tea was served, Genma had begun to adjust to his
new condition, that is until Soun sipped his tea. Genma shivered from head to
foot and stared at his old friend as though he were a gelatinous, movie monster.
You have "gelatinous" appearing twice in two consecutive paragraphs, which is
conspicuous for such an unusual adjective. And when did Soun wake up?
[It is a deliberate attempt at humor on the part of the author. If I receive
several other negative responses on this issue, I will do something about it.
The idea is to make people chuckle--no--to make them laugh out loud. If it
doesn't work, it gets thrown out.]
"How so, Kasumi-chan?" Tofu silently thanked all the kami of
"Kasumi-chan" doesn't seem right, coming from Tofu. He doesn't see her as a
cute little girl.'
[Okay, "san" it is then. Is a cheap fix.]
Japan for his recent exposure to the confidence drug. Kasumi's presence would
have otherwise turned him into a gibbering idiot.
The "confidence drug" really seems like a bit of a cop-out. If you're going to
have Tofu behave himself around Kasumi, I prefer that it simply be a force-of
will thing rather than some sort of vaguely magical drug.
[Why not? Such things get used in the Ranmaverse all the time. This is Dr. Tofu,
not Ben Casey--oops, revealed my age, didn't I? Yeah, expect the "drug" to be a
problem of sorts. It will crop up a couple more times. ]
"I think Ranma is like this because he grew up without his mother. We
learn most of the things Ranma does not know from our mothers. His life is out
of balance. I have never met anyone like him.
The Tendou sisters grew up without their mother...
[Correction. Akane and Nabiki grew up with Kasumi. Kasumi appears to have had
much more memory of their mother. Besides, what Kasumi says here is the current
anthropological, politically correct gospel of the millenium anyway. This line
stays--assuming I don't ditch the entire scene.]
This bit with the melting Genma seems very out-of-place with the serious scene.
I'm all for injecting some humor into a serious story to lighten it up, but
there's a balance that has to be achieved so the humor doesn't detract from the
serious themes. The melting Genma is so bizarre that it clashes with the rest
of the scene, in my opinion.
[If enough other readers agree with you, this entire scene will get pitched and
I will try again. Maybe the third time will be a charm. Most felt that the
original scene was too serious and grim, not to mention that Tofu was being too
rough on the Saotomes. This version was an attempt to lighten the blow. I may go
back to the original or something stronger. Tofu has a serious problem to deal
with here and Ranma's parents along with Nabiki, are a significant part of the
problem. What say ye dear readers? Shall I have Tofu approach the problem with a
limp wrist? Horsehocky! These guys have got a butt chewing coming. Tofu's gonna
give it to 'em! Get used to it.]
"Even if the demons are Fiends of the Happosai?"
"Especially, if they are friends of Happosai." Tofu laughed.
Is it "fiends" or "friends?"
[Three strikes and it's out. Nobody got it.]
"I can't say for sure. What's wrong with her cooking?"
Ranma looked down at Akane with a bemused look mixed with humor and
affection. He reached out and stroked her hair with his right hand.
"It's like everything else she does, Doc. She tries too damned hard."
Ranma's explanation is very nice, concise, and seems in character. A good sign
of a maturing Ranma without seeming over the top.
[Chalk one up for Rain G. Tigress. She recommended the first change here and it
worked.]
Nabiki smiled at him, then stood up by the bed and bent over so that
she could whisper in his ear.
"I'm sorry, Ranma-kun."
"You don't owe me an apology, Big Sister. You should apologize to
Akane."
This conversation between Ranma and Nabiki goes too smoothly for my tastes.
Ranma seems to fall very easily into the Nabiki-style scheming and planning,
which is a trait we've never seen in him before. He plans, but he doesn't share
his schemes, and he doesn't like to rely on anybody else to implement them. If
this battle-fatigue has increased his paranoia, would he really be MORE likely
to trust Nabiki to do things on his behalf?
[Why would he have cause to fear Nabiki would do anything further to hurt her
own sister? Can he not logically expect Nabiki to look out for Akane's welfare,
especially if she knows that he is pissed at her? More importantly, some of the
things he needs done are things best done by Nabiki. I'll smooth this a bit, but
not much.]
On the other hand, Nabiki now knows Ranma is like a time bomb, but she doesn't
show the least bit of tension around him. Maybe she should have to try harder
to convince him that she is worthy of his trust. Mix in just a pinch of "Ill
Met By Starlight" seasoning into this scene, and you could make it much more
powerful.
[I haven't read _Ill Met by Starlight_. It has a "dark" label. I HATE dark. Is
that a contradiction in terms? Oh well, your point is well taken. I will work on
this one.]
"Nope. I'm gonna cover it all under one A.F.E.," Nabiki said with one of
her most predatory of smiles, "Get some sleep, Little Brother."
What's an A.F.E.?
[I should have known better than to have used a technical acronym. It is an
accounting term: Allocated For Expenditure. I'll fix this one. You are the third
person to ask.]
The Cologne segment is your best piece of writing in this story, and the thing
which I found most intriguing (and which made me decide to offer commentary).
This is not the evil Cologne I was expecting to see - it hints to me that maybe
you aren't going to do as evil a Shampoo as we've been led to believe thus far.
Instead, she seems largely benevolent and compassionate towards Ranma, as she
was portrayed through the bulk of the original series.
[Good! I don't like the "evil Cologne" ploy, even though I have seen it done
well by other authors. I do not "bash" characters without cause, either.]
She is also spotting something new, something dangerous and magical, this
mysterious "Cold Dragon" from which the story draws its title. This, to me, is
very interesting, much more so than just a stressed-out Ranma who is now going
to try to solve all his problems in life. She believes this Cold Dragon problem
is out of her league, which means that it's probably way out of Tofu's league,
too.
[Fortunately, we have both Tofu and Cologne around to deal with it, na?]
This is very good. It means this story may not follow along the somewhat
cliched lines I had been led to expect by everything up to this point.
There are still some trends in this story I think you might want to address.
The first is the "Ranma-the-victim" portrayal. This is a very popular
fanfiction rendition, but I find my own patience for it has diminished over
time. I have a hard time swallowing an interpretation of Ranma which sets him
as a victim of circumstance - everyone else around him is crazy, while all he
wants is a peaceful life. Ranma causes many of his own problems, and the ones
he doesn't cause he frequently aggravates. Sometimes, he IS the victim. But
not always, by any stretch. I think Ranma can be a sympathetic protagonist
without casting him so firmly in the victim role. Your idea of combat-fatigue
is believable to me, but Ranma is as much responsible for his own condition as
anybody else.
[I do not here portray Ranma as the victim. I have been careful to portray Ranma
as being overwhelminlgy concerned with the welfare of Akane Tendo. I will make
him a little more cognizant of his own culpability in the opening scene, but
even this is a wee bit out of character for Ranma. He almost never admits to his
own shortcomings, but perhaps now such an admission on his part would be
appropriate. In this case, I will be portraying a Ranma prepared to be a little
more manly. Will that fix it for you? I guarantee you, someone else will bitch
about this particular fix, claiming OOC, Ranma. Nuts!]
The other cliche-danger here is the Tofu role, which I think other folks have
already commented on. It's a very popular fanfiction theme. For whatever
reason (or in some cases, for no discernable reason at all), one character steps
up and takes charge, acting as the voice of reason to help guide the cast
through solving the problems which vex them throughout the series.
[I do understand that this is Nerima. I have a long series building for which
_Comes the Cold Dragon_ is just a back story. You needn't be concerned about
this. If I "solved" all the problems in this story, what would be the point of
the other work I've already submitted here and posted on the web? Have a little
faith, guys! I ain't the sharpest knife in your drawer, but I ain't the dullest,
neither!]
I think you'll be fine if Tofu isn't successful in all his attempts. If the good
doctor shows some weaknesses, some lapses of judgement, and has some of his
plans backfire on him, then I can see this story as being very enjoyable.
Especially if this Cold Dragon situation turns out to be much more dangerous
than he understands...
[He's guaranteed to make mistakes. He is here dealing with a large number of
unkowns. Same goes for Cologne and Ranma.]
Great stuff, Grayson. This really helped a lot! Now I'll go back to curry
combing this thing and see iffen' there ain't a story in it someplace.
Regards,
Don Granberry.