Hey neat! It's a Battle Angel Alita fic!
You figured me out.
I hope you don't mind a little C&C, I love the series.
C&C. Darn. Gee. I guess I'll live.
My favorite series. Been trying to think of a fic idea for a while, this
is what popped out.
I hit the concrete again. It stung, but that's irrelevant. Pain through
neural connections always is. They feel removed, distant. I didn't care
though. If the pain was ignorable, that was one less thing to distract
me during the race.
There's some slight tense confusion and awkwardness here. I like the
opening in general though.
Tense wise, I could not really see any other way to write it.
I was on my feet after only a second or two but that was enough.
I think you are trying for tense, terse writing here. In that light, I'd
probably just say "a second" instead of "a second or two." I think that
Jashugan would be very aware of time, even down to almost milliseconds.
Not yet. Remember, this is his first race on the third league, the first
professional race of his carrier. He hasn't had Desty Nova and the
surgery yet.
Now, Grigg was slowly loosing his lead, though number 34, Zak, was
lying on the track in seven different places.
This sentence doesn't make a lot of sense, the first part doesn't lead
into the second. Try chopping it in half. :)
Like poor Zak?
That almost brought a smile to my face. Zak was a great
player, and I enjoyed the challenge he presented.
Maybe "challenge he had presented." I don't think he's much of a threat
any more.
Hey. Jashugan could trip over him.
I wasn't worried though. I was riding a wave of control that defied any
attempt to make me crash. I could do no wrong, and I could not help but
win. Grigg was simply carrying the ball for me, and I hoped he knew it.
Good, I liked this. :)
Thanks.
wind resistance. He was fast, my mental guess putting him at one fifty
mph. I was faster though.
You might want to switch that to metric. I'm pretty sure that's what
Kishiro used.
Personnally, I can't stand SI. But, if that seems to be the readers
consensus, I'll make the switch.
He noticed me out of the corner of his eye right as we went around a
curve to the left. Never one to waste time, Grigg swung his flail arm at
me. I jumped it and landed with my blades on the wall. I rode it around
the corner, my angle and speed driving me almost twenty feet up.
Good, very evocative.
This scene is prety much a straight copy of the first motorball race Ido
watches. Still, I'm glad to know the description was clear.
I decided this was perfect to launch
my attack.
Was a perfect place, perhaps?
Perfect place, time, and setup.
Catching him totally by surprise, I drove my finger knives through his
right leg. I could feel the jerk as they ruptured his power conduits,
making him swerve to the right. I assisted this by pullling my claws
down and out.
The speech here is a bit clinical, but that could be part of Jashugan's
character.
It seems to me that Jashugan has always been more concerned with winning
then the nit picky details there of.
"I am Jashugan, Number 13. And I will be the King of Motorball."
Good stuff. Maybe have him search out his sister in the stands in the end?
Anyway, thanks for the read.
There's more to come. This was just a feeler to see how people react to
me using a new and untried style, 1st person POV. I hope you like the
rest.
Colleen
Thanks for the C&C.