Little something I wrote when I should have been doing about a
dozen other things. No plans to continue it, but you never know.
Not Another Ridiculous Fanfic!
(a fusion / crossover spamfic)
By Ammadeau
Roy.Fokker@UNSpacy.org
http://Ammadeau.tripod.com/fanfiction.htm
***
"Xellos, what's the real title of this?"
"That, Lina... is a secret."
"I should have known."
***
Keiichi stuck a cigarette in his mouth and dialed the phone
with his other hand, pissed that his sempai had forced him to watch
the dorm and take messages.
"Hello, Goddess Helpline. How may I help you?"
Keiichi quickly hung up the phone, feeling a vague
premonition of disaster coming his way.
"How rude," said the same voice from somewhere behind
him, "And you should know that smoking is bad for your health."
Keiichi spun around, the cigarette falling from his mouth in
surprise. A young woman now stood in his room where he was
sure there hadn't been anyone a minute ago. She wore a long
flowing kimono and had her purple hair tied up in... Wait a
minute. Purple hair?
"You're Aeka from Tenchi Muyo, aren't you?"
Aeka inclined her head in acknowledgment. "Though
you're being awfully familiar considering we've just met. I
suppose that's just my charm," she told him, and laughed softly
into her hand.
Keiichi shuddered. He once knew a girl who laughed like
that and it always creeped him out. "What I'm trying to say is that
this is 'Oh My Goddess.' You're in the wrong series."
"Oh, no, you're the one who has it wrong, Keiichi-san,"
Aeka corrected him, "The author is writing a fusion, so you see
everything is perfectly all right."
"Aren't we supposed to avoid talking about things like that
in a fanfic? I mean, the fourth wall and all."
"Not to worry, Keiichi-san," she told him with a smile.
"Since this work of fanfiction will be somewhat silly, such
concerns have been waved for the duration."
"Okay, okay, I've got you," Keiichi replied as he sat down
and tried to sort this out in his mind. "So do I wish for the same
thing as before, or can I wish for anything I want?"
Aeka pulled out a scroll from one of her sleeves. She
opened it and read quickly before replying. "It says here that you
can wish for anything you like, except something that would wish
for other characters from Oh My Goddess to appear."
Keiichi frowned. "You mean I can't just wish for
Belldandy then?"
Aeka put the scroll away and shrugged. "And I'd much
rather be answering the wishes of Tenchi than to be stuck here.
Who knows what that witch Ryoko could be up to while I'm
gone?"
While Aeka fumed, the phone rang. Keiichi answered it
and suddenly his eyes opened wide in shock. "It's for you," he told
the prin... goddess nervously, handing her the phone.
"Who is it?" she asked in confusion.
"The author."
"Oh," Aeka replied and answered the phone. Immediately,
she began to smile. "Yes, I see, that is good news. Good-bye."
She hung up the phone and handed it back to Keiichi, who
stared at her in surprise.
"What did he have to say?" Keiichi asked slowly.
Aeka continued to grin. "Well, it seems that Tenchi is
currently in a crossover himself so Ryoko couldn't do anything
even if she wanted to. Ohohohoho!!"
Keiichi shielded his ears from the horrible sound.
"So you may take your time in choosing your wish," Aeka
told him as she made herself comfortable. "With no Tenchi to
return to, I'm in no rush to go home. I'd be doing nothing but
house chores and watching daytime TV anyway."
Keiichi was only just starting to relax a bit when he heard a
sound outside of his room that made him freeze in fear. It was the
sound of many footsteps, growing closer.
"Wait another minute," he said, his voice clearly confused.
"If we're still following the original manga, that means that my
dorm mates are coming to kick both of us out, but you said no
more Oh My Goddess characters would be appearing in this."
Aeka shook her head, not seeming alarmed in the least. "I
said that you couldn't wish for more OMG characters to appear. I
said nothing about them appearing on their own."
As the mob burst in, gathered up the two of them along
with most of Keiichi's stuff, and tossed them out to the street,
Keiichi shouted, "Well, I hope you have a place for us to live
then!"
"Not to worry, Keiichi-san," Aeka said confidently as she
stood and glanced somewhat distastefully at her surroundings. "I
borrowed the pet of a friend who will be able to provide everything
we shall need."
"Don't tell me Ryo-oki can turn into a house now," Keiichi
remarked as he began to stack the boxes containing his belongings
into a easy to carry arrangement, though it didn't look entirely
possible. Why did he have such a huge anime collection all of the
sudden?
"That could be useful. I must suggest that to Washu one of
these days," Aeka remarked, tapping her chin with one finger.
"No, I couldn't bring Ryo-oki. The author couldn't afford the
carrots she wanted. But I do have this."
With that, Aeka spun around to face him once again,
though now her once-empty arms held a fat rabbit-looking thing
with a red jewel on its forehead.
"Pu!" the overweight bunny greeted Keiichi with a wave of
its ears.
"Wow, Mokana from Rayearth!" Keiichi shouted, starting
to feel better about the whole situation. "You can make a house
appear out of nothing, can't you?"
"Pu!" Mokana agreed, then shot a beam from his head at
Keiichi's belongings, which suddenly vanished.
"So you're going to carry my stuff for me, eh?" Keiichi told
the rabbit with a smile. "Thanks, Mokana!" He even gave the
bunny a friendly pat in the head, which it accepted with a grin.
Soon they were all ready to go; Keiichi on his motorcycle,
Aeka in the newly-repaired side-car, and Mokana in her arms.
"Where to, Aeka-sama?" Keiichi asked the princess turned
goddess with a cheerful smile. Sure, he'd rather be with Belldandy,
but this wasn't turning out to be quite as bad as he first thought
either.
"Pu! Pu! Pu! Pu! Pu! Pu? Pu? Pu? Pu?"
Keiichi only stared at the fat rabbit in puzzlement.
Aeka translated. "He said 'Where would you like to go?
Rostaria? Nerima? Sailoon?'"
Keiichi violently shook his head. He wanted to avoid
danger as much as possible. "How about some nice, safe place
where we can relax and avoid trouble?"
"Pu."
"All right, if that's what you want," Aeka translated again.
"Take a left when leaving the parking lot. Go down that road until
you hit the fourth intersection, then you want to hang a right, go
down two blocks, take a left then a right, then follow that road until
I tell you."
"How were you able to get all that from just 'Pu'?" Keiichi
asked her, puzzled.
Aeka shrugged. "That's easy. Try and understand a tree
sometime."
"This is your idea of a nice, safe place to live?" Keiichi
asked incredulously as he stopped the motorcycle and took a look
around.
"Pu!" Mokana agreed, either not getting or ignoring the
sarcasm.
"It looks perfectly all right to me," Aeka added as she
glanced around herself. "If a bit... quaint."
The place they had stopped before was a run-down
boarding house which named proclaimed it to be 'Maison Ikkoku.'
Keiichi just shook his head and muttered, "I suppose it
could be worse."
***
"Oh, it will be."
"How do you know that, Xel?"
"That... is a secret."
"Why do I even bother?"
***
Keiichi knocked on the door, only to have it answered by a
bleary-eyed, half-dressed redhead. He had expect that, but this
wasn't the specific redhead he had been expecting.
"Shayla-Shayla from El-Hazard?" he practically shouted in
bewilderment.
"Yeah, that's me, what'ca want?" the fire priestess asked,
her voice slurred with sake, half-empty bottle still clutched in he
hand.
"What are you doing here?"
"Live here."
Keiichi nearly grounded his teeth in frustration. "No, what
are you doing in this fanfic?"
Shayla-Shayla blinked at the question, then she grinned.
"Hehe. This part came with all the sake I could drink, so I'm
taking full advantage of that." Then the fire priestess slowly
looked him up and down. "You know, you kinda look like
Makoto..."
"How do I get a room here for Aeka and myself?" Keiichi
asked in a frantic attempt to change the subject.
Shayla-Shayla giggled. "So older women are you bag, ne
Keiichi-chan?"
"Separate rooms!" Keiichi insisted as both he and Aeka
blushed.
Shayla-Shayla chuckled and pointed an unsteady hand
down the hall. "Just knock on the door with the number one on it.
She'll help you out."
Keiichi was a little afraid at just who he would find behind
that door, but went anyway. Anything had be better than the drunk
fire priestess.
"Megumi-donno!" Keiichi shouted in surprise at the tall,
dark-haired woman who had answered the door.
The female doctor from Rourni Kenshin bowed to them
with a smile and bid them enter. They followed her to a small
table where tea for four had already been prepared.
"I was told to expect you, Keiichi-san," she told him after
taking a sip of her own tea.
"By who?" Keiichi asked, confused.
"The author."
Keiichi decided that he didn't want to follow that road of
conversation, even if it wasn't off-limits. "So you already have two
rooms prepared, one for the each of us?"
Megumi frowned slightly. "Well, no. Unfortunately, the
author overbooked this fanfic. He forgot that a second room would
be needed when Aeka-sama's 'sisters' arrive."
"Well, they don't need to show up, do they?" Keiichi asked
a bit nervously.
"I'm afraid that considering who my sisters are in this
fanfic," Aeka replied, not sounding happy at all, "that is
unavoidable."
Keiichi tried to make the best of this. "Well, I can at least
use the spare room until they arrive, can I?"
Megumi looked a bit embarrassed. "I'm afraid that...
they're already here."
As if this was some sort of cue, the ceiling suddenly shook
as if an explosion had just occurred right over their heads.
The group rushed up the stairs, just in time to see the door
to room 8 being blown off of it's hinges from the inside. Fearfully,
Keiichi, Aeka, and Megumi peered into the room. The room itself
looked like the site of a small war, which could be the case. The
walls were blacked and stained with soot, at least those sections
that weren't gone completely. Sun rained down through fist-sized
holes in the roof.
In the room, two women faced off, each smirking, though
their eyes were hard and defiant as the stared down each other.
That wasn't the only thing they had in common. They both had
long purple hair and were severely underdressed. The shorter of
the two was wearing what looked to be a high-tech bikini,
complete with helmet, knee-high leather boots, and small metal
wings. The taller wore a black leather bikini complete with cape,
giant spiked shoulder pads, and a small skull necklace that rested
on her truly prodigious frontage.
***
"Please tell me that's not who I think it is."
"It's not who you think it is... who isn't it supposed to be
anyway, Lina?"
"Gourry, you're not helping. Just go tell Amelia that her
sister is in this."
***
"Your so-called technology pales before the might of the
magic of Naga the White Serpent! OHOHOHO!!" the black
sorceress declared, laughing and stomping her foot for emphasis.
The other didn't seem bothered in the least by this. She
only pointed her arm at her and shouted, "Aragami missiles!"
"Flare arrow!" Naga countered.
The resulting explosions filled the room with smoke.
"Should we do something, Keiichi-san?" Megumi asked
cautiously. Kenshin's fights were never this destructive, well at
least most of them weren't.
Keiichi only stared into the room as the smoke began to
dissipate, worried what the sudden silence meant.
"Well, from my own experience with that monster Ryoko,"
Aeka told the doctor turned landlord pleasantly. "The only thing
you can do is wait for the dust to settle and repair the resulting
damages. I do hope you have someone on hand who is fairly adapt
in home repair. I dare say you'll be needing his services quite
often."
Megumi nodded, her eyes still on the smoke-filled room. "I
believe one of my tenants has some prior experience in home
repair."
When the smoke finally cleared away, the three observers
gasped in surprise at what they saw. B-ko and Naga were now
sitting side by side, one arm around the other, sharing a sake bottle
with Shayla-Shayla who had entered the room through one of the
holes in the wall. B-ko and Naga were also busy swapping tales,
while the fire priestess simply drank.
"All I ever wanted was to be C-ko's best friend," B-ko told
her new-found companion, "but she wouldn't let me. That red-
haired witch!"
Naga seemed to be putting away the sake faster than
anyone else, but didn't seem the least bit drunk. "Oh? Was she a
over-powered, short-tempered, flat-chested sorceress?"
"Yeah," B-ko agreed, leaning on Naga for support. "Well,
except for the sorceress bit. She was just really strong. I mean
really, really strong. Like 'able to leap tall buildings in a single
bound' kinda strong. She wasn't exactly flat-chested either, I
suppose, but she couldn't compare to my body, no way."
Shayla-Shayla lifted her head off the of the table, roused
from pleasant half-dream where Ifurita had suddenly
spontaneously combusted and Makoto had run to her for comfort.
"Hey, you two talking about me?"
"That depends," Naga told her, "I you are a red-haired,
over-powered, short-tempered, flat-chested sorceress with a
penchant for senseless violence?"
"I ain't flat-chested," Shayla-Shayla slurred.
"Then we weren't talking about you."
And then B-ko and Naga began to laugh, for no particular
reason, other than they were both quite drunk.
"OHOHOHOHO--"
Keiichi managed to fit the door back in its frame and
slammed in shut. "I think I preferred it when they were fighting,"
he said mostly to himself.
"I didn't. I'm responsible for this place until the fanfic
ends," Megumi replied. "I suppose I could show you both to your
room now. They should be asleep by the time I have you settled in
and then I can get that room fixed, and maybe do something to fix
them as well." The doctor's eyes were narrowed at the moment
with the same look she usually regarded something involving
Sanosake.
Keiichi looked at Aeka and blushed. The very idea of
staying in a room with another woman made him feel embarrassed.
Besides, Belldandy would kill him if she found out. He turned to
Aeka and said, "Um, why don't I just make my wish now so you
can go back to... wherever you're supposed to be from?"
Aeka nodded. "Quite sensible, Keiichi-san. What would
you like to wish for?"
Keiichi thought for a moment. "How about wishing myself
out of this fic?"
Aeka shook her head. "Sorry, but I'm afraid that any wish
that would prematurely end this fanfic is out as well."
"You never mentioned that before!" Keiichi pointed out.
"Yes, however the author is making this up as he goes
along."
Keiichi couldn't argue with that. He thought again for a
while before he finally came up with a solution. "I wish that there
was some way that we could stay here, but I wouldn't have to share
a room with you _or_ any other woman."
All of the sudden, tiny floating logs materialized all over
the hallway, centered around Aeka. Then they started to glow
brighter and brighter until they exploded with a blinding flash.
Keiichi, even partially blinded by the bright light, was able to catch
Aeka before she hit the ground.
Aeka was less than pleased to see him when she opened her
eyes again. "Fool! Why did you make that ridiculous wish?"
Keiichi set her back on her feet and then rubbed the back of
his head in embarrassment. "Well, with all the fanfics I've been in,
I've had dozens of wishes already, so its okay if I wish for
something small for once. Besides, it was the only solution I could
think of."
"That is not what I am referring to," Aeka told him angrily
and then looked around. "Do you see something wrong with this
picture?"
Keiichi looked around himself. He could easily name a
dozen things wrong at the moment, but none of them had anything
to do with his wish. "No, why?"
"I'm still here!!" Aeka shouted back at him.
"But why wouldn't you be? I mean with Belldandy..."
Keiichi started to say and then stopped himself, finally catching on.
He had wished for Belldandy to stay, which was why she never
went back home, but he hadn't wished for Aeka, had he?
Seeing his confusion, Aeka explained, "You wished 'for
some way _we_ could stay here,' which was the same as if you
wished I would stay here!"
"Wait, what are you so upset about? You can't see Tenchi
because he's busy doing a fanfic too."
"Because before all I needed to do to leave before was to
get you to make your wish. Now, who knows how long I'll be
stuck in this... madhouse!"
***
"So, is that it?"
"Amelia, that is a secret."
"Aw, I wanted to see my big sister again!"
***
The End? Only Xellos knows for sure, and he's not telling. :)