Thanks for the C&C...
----- Original Message -----
From: "David Johnston" <rgorman@telusplanet.net>
To: "Kevin D. Hammel" <kevinsff@pacbell.net>
Cc: "Fanfic Mailing List" <ffml@fanfic.com>
Sent: Sunday, January 23, 2000 11:15 PM
Subject: [FFML] Re: [Fanfic][Ranma/SM/Fanfic] A Fist Full of Tendous 01
Kevin D. Hammel wrote:
This place was hot, noisy, crowded, polluted, and BIG. In fact it was
really, really big. A lot bigger than where she came from. Big is
good, the girl thought as she walked among the stalls in the bazaar.
She was of course, a short person.
And comes from a very tiny pocket dimension.
The young woman stopped at an intersection of sorts. Four rows of
stalls converged, with four tides of humanity trying to flow four
different directions at once. She stood firm, adjusting her nearly
opaque black glasses as she surveyed the three directions she could
go. Which way to turn? There had to be some cool magical book or
artifact somewhere. She'd seen more than enough of those historical
documentaries on the VCR working with Margaret back in Japan.
This idea may seem stupid to the reader, but bear in mind that had she not
been abducted by the Dark Kingdom, Akane would have been living in a
neighbour
that had regular visits from travelling magical artifact salesmen.
Okay...
"Pardon Me, Madam. May I be of service?" A voice oozed from behind
her. She turned to see a rumpled, elderly man. His eyes and wrinkled
face spoke of all kinds of bizarre arcane knowledge. Or at least over
exposure to the sun, which was very easy around here. The girl shook
her head as she wiped some sweat off her brow. This guy just had to
have something for her. After all, that's how it worked on TV.
And in fanfic.
True... I was just trying to add a bit of humor..
across the alleyway. Fortunately an overfull fruit cart prevented
serious injury to the two men, but not serious indignity, as they got
covered with a melange of melon pieces, smashed vegetables, and
various fruit juices.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Her host shouted. "Those were my bodyguards, you
imbecile!"
Actually, I think her action fully justified. If they pulled guns they're
lucky she went so easy on them. Presumably they intended to at least rob
her,
if not worse. And "her" should not be capitalised.
Good point, and okay. BUT she doesn't want to jeopardize the artifact that
she knows HAS to be there. (As seen on TV!)
"How was I supposed to know?" Florida spat. "They looked pretty
suspicious to me... and they had guns!" Turning and stomping out the
door, she easily hefted both huge, dazed men up and set them on their
feet. Waiting a few seconds for the woozy pair to regain their
bearings, she gingerly let go. The girl didn't want to make the
debacle any worse. "Sorry, guys..." She sheepishly said, with what she
hoped was a winning smile.
I'd lose the "what she hoped" because you say she smiles less successfully
later.
Okay... Thanks
The man brought an ancient, hide-bound volume to the counter. A corner
of the cover was ripped off, leaving the title as "The Big Book of
Dimensional".
And you'll note that she did indeed find exactly what she was looking for.
Well... sorta. At least she ASSUMES it's what she wanted... (but it doesn't
work very well)
Walking a short distance down the roadway from the merchant's, Florida
found a dark passageway between buildings. After carefully looking
both ways, she entered the alleyway, and disappeared a few moments
later.
Ahem. She can teleport across the world? If that's the case, what does
she need the book for?
In Children of Fire (as I read it) is the problem of opening a portal, not a
teleport... Creating a persistent dimensional link that troops can be sent
through is what they need .(because the troops can't get there on their
own.)
When the cold fires receded, the room was empty again. Only a few
minutes later, the flames built again, and a set of shapes
materialized from within... but that would be getting ahead of things.
Uh...hmm. Presumably those must be from the third universe.
We shall see...
The Sailor Senshi finally broke the silence. "I'm Sailor Charon."
"I'm... call me Tourmaline." The other girl replied.
Because, after all, that's my name.
True
trivialities. Finally, when the two groups were less than a meter
apart, both stopped. Each of the Sailor Senshi could sense something
odd about the other three women. It was hard to put a finger on it,
Feldspar hardly qualifies as a woman.
Hmmm... I shall consider this perhaps just delete women and go with 'other
three'.
The shortest of the Sailors seemed to have reached her boiling point
as well. Much like the unseen wind surrounding Feldspar, a fine mist
of ice crystals and a few wisps of fog began to form around her.
"Creatures? Who are you calling Creatures?" She began, sounding
"Creatures" shouldn't be capitalised the second time.
Okay. Thanks
distressingly like Feldspar.
"Please, no fighting." Kasumi requested.
"She started it!" Europa and Feldspar chorused, then looked a bit
embarrassed as their battle auras deflated.
Nobody spoke for a while. Finally, the older woman broke the silence
after looking thoughtful for a few moments, "Ah, reciprocity!"
The five girls answered with huh or what.
Needs quotation marks.
Okay, Thanks again.
She looked at the shortest of her companions as she spoke, "That's why
this is NOT a good way to summon a dimensional portal, Daughter.
Somehow, this technique creates a rift in a 'reciprocal' universe,
pulling a analogue for each person who enters from the other universe,
then transporting both to the third." Looking up, she gestured at the
Uhn.
???
large stones surrounding them, "I'm not surprised we ended up in a
circle of standing stones. It's not Stonehenge, so I'm uncertain
exactly were we are."
"where we are". Well, standing stones of that type are typical of
England, and to a lesser degree France so she could surmise that they
were in some kind of analogue of Europe.
So one would assume.
The older woman frowned slightly, then nodded once in understanding,
and sympathy. "This must be tough for you girls..."
Okay, thanks.
I'd suggest "difficult" rather than "tough". More ladylike.
Three affirmative nods provided mute assent.
"My names is... Moonstone and... where we're from, I was your mother,
"name"
doh. Typos... bah.
Kasumi. SO, for a little while, I'd like for you to... think of me as
your mother."
The three girls didn't seem too thrilled with the offer. It's hard to
accept someone who wanted to kill you a few minutes ago as your
mother, but their hearts conflicted with their rationality.
"better judgement" perhaps?
Okay. Thanks.
Charon finally spoke, looking askance at her double, "Why the weird
names?"
"I doubt YOUR name is 'Sailor Charon'!" Tourmaline shot back.
With a nod, Charon reverted to her civilian guise. "You're right, my
name's Nabiki." She shivered slightly, as it was windy and the uniform
ribbon didn't provide much protection for her upper torso.
Tourmaline, realizing the faith girl had shown, nodded once before she
Missing word. That is, incidentally, way too much faith for Nabiki to
show.
I'm not sure... This is a very strange situation, after all, and Nabiki has
already started a bit of deviation from canon.
A low humming in the distance attracted the group's attention. A huge
silvery object could be seen moving slowly toward them. The six people
sought cover and watched the leviathan fly overhead.
Humming? Dirigibles used internal combustion engines and propellors and
so
presumably sounded pretty much just like a plane.
Maybe I'll change low humming to droning... Good point.
Nabiki recognized it from her history books... "Where the heck are
we?" She asked. "Or... should I say when?"
Moonstone nodded her head, "Nabiki-chan, you're right, that's a
dirigible. The last one was scrapped more than 50 years ago."
In some universes, at least.
True...
The shining craft had strange markings on its tail, resembling a red
white and blue bull's-eye on its rear stabilizers. Clearly visible on
its side was the airship's name, which consisted of a Roman character
and Arabic Numerals: R-107.
Those don't need to be capitals.
Okay. roman character and arabic numerals it is. R-107 stays.
Sheer amazement captured the attention of the entire group until the
ricochet of a gunshot off a nearby stone broke the spell. All six
ducked, three as they whispered transformation phrases...
Thanks again!
Kevin D. Hammel
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khammel@anime.sobhrach.com
kevinsff@pacbell.net
http://www.anime.sobhrach.com/~khammel/
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