--- Laurence Roxas <rlsroxas@compass.com.ph> wrote:
Action and Reaction Part 2
a ranma 1/2 fan-fic by Laurence Roxas.
Disclaimer: The characters of the Ranma �
universe are the creation
and possession of the brilliant Rumiko
Takahashi.They
belong to Rumiko Takahashi and her
licensees (Shogakukan Inc.,
Kitty-Fuji TV,Viz Communications Inc.) No
copyright
infringement is intended.
Warning:I'm only a kid (12) So if you do send C&C or
flames, don't dwell too
much on punctuations and stuff like that ...
please?
I don't think you should dwell too much on your age.
The FFML serves many people of different ages, races,
and backgrounds. To treat one person different just
because of age kind of seems wrong. I'm also sure
you're not the only author of your age group.
If you're have problems with puncuation and grammar, I
think you should be happy that there are a bunch of
people willing to help you with it in their C&C.
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----Part 2-----
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RING!
*What's that?* Ranma thought to himself he turned
himself. He turned
over and tried to swat
the alarm clock.
Alarm clock: Bzzzzzzz...Can't catch me! Bzzzzzz...
3 hours later.
RING! RING!
Ranma finally took a look at the alarm clock
11:00
Instantly a horrified expression replaced Ranma's
frown.
*Oh, crap...* suddenly Ranma was up and running to
the bathroom. As he passed
through the hallway Ranma called for Nabiki and
Kasumi...as he expected
nobody answered. *I knew it! *. Ranma got into the
Since you have an exclamation mark, you don't need the
period after the asterisk.
bathroom and hurriedly
took a bath. Afterwards Ranma ran out of the house
buttoning his shirt as he
went. * Why would they leave me?* Ranma frowned and
tried to think of a
suitable retort for what Nabiki did, when he
suddenly remembered that he was
the one who set the alarm clock to avoid being late.
"Stupid Ranma!" he berated himself " of all the
times to do something
stupid"
Need a period after 'stupid'
With that on his head Ranma raced off to the
Hospital.
I'm not sure, but I don't think 'Hospital' should be
capitalized.
*****
Nabiki, Kasumi, Soun and Genma were in Akane's
hospital room.
"So Akane, are you all ready to go?" asked Nabiki
"I guess so... I," Akane looked out of the window "I
just thought he'd be
here." she sighed "I guess thats just wishful
thinking"
Need a period after 'thinking'
"Hey you know Ranma...it'll take an army to wa-"
Nabiki was cut off when
they heard something crash downstairs.
CRASH!CRASH!BANG!CRASH!EEEK!
More like several somethings.
With a bang, the door to there room opened revealing
a very winded, slightly
dirty Ranma.
"Hi everybody," Ranma smled apologetically "sorry
smiled
I'm late."
Nabiki looking behind Ranma and seeing his trail of
upturned tables, broken
glassware, flusstered nurses and suprised doctors
remarked "So Ranma, what
did you do now?"
******
It's been a week since the incident in the hospital
I suggest:
A week had passed since the incident...
and Akane was now fully
recovered. Strangely Ranma and Akane's relationship
had taken a turn for the
better.Now they were walking to school...Akane's
better. Now
first day since the fight.
And for once Ranma was walking beside her and not on
the fence.
"You know Ranma...that Miko person?," Akane asked
Ranma: Yeah, I think I remember her.
"She reminds me of
someone...i just don't know who."
Ranma looked at Akane mildly suprised, "Why did
bring her up? Considering
what happened and the fact that we haven't seen her
for the last week.
I figured she'd be the last thing on your mind."
Akane face turned thoughtful"I don't know but, take
thoughtful "I don't
for example last night.
Her face kept popping into my head and i couldn't
sleep."
Ranma looked at her and grinned "And you call me a
pervert..."
Turning red she replied "Baka! I wasn't thinking of
her like _that_!"
"Then why are you turning red!"
"ARGHH!,"Akane threw a fist hitting a wall and
making it crumble like so
much sand "forget it, let's just go to school in
sand. "Forget it,
peace."
As they walked away Ranma thought *She didn't hit
me? Maybe she's finally
fallen for the saotome charm* He smiled.
Wall: I think I liked it when she smacked him around.
Saotome (needed to be capitalized)
If the Saotome charm is getting women not to hit them,
they have a very troubled ancestry.
Inside Akane was fuming. *How dare he do that to me
! I open myself to him
for once...and what does he do? He teases me! That
Baka! I'm so mad i can
hit him all the way to the moon*she sighed, but at
moon,* she sighed
the back of her head a
voice asked* then why didn't you?*
asked *Then why
*****
When they reached the school they found the girl
Miko arguing with Kuno.
"...your hair is as blue as the sea, your eyes as
bright as the sun
and your chest-" Kuno was suddenly cut off by a very
red, very angry Miko.
"That's it!" Miko briefly glowed blue then suddenly
she was holding a big,
heavy baseball bat.
She swung the bat for Kuno hitting him squarely in
the face, sending him on
a cross country trip.Miko again glowed blue briefly
trip. Miko
then the bat was gone.
Just then Kodachi appeared. "Ohohohoho!Ranma darling
"Ohohohoho! Ranma
let us leave these
peasants. I am the only one meant for you!" So
saying she tried to glomp
unto Ranma.
Unfortunately for her, Miko was faster. Swiftly
shoving Ranma back , Miko
back,
turned the attempted glomp of Kodachi into a neat
shoulder throw.It is to
throw. It
Kodachi's credit that she managed to land on her
feet. turning around she
Turning
regarded Miko and said " Who are you girl? and why
"Who
do you meddle with
Kodachi Kuno, the black rose's affairs?"
Proudly standing up she said " I'm Miko Ukagi, and
"I'm
who are you calling a
peasant?"
Kodachi: Ummm...No one?
Kodachi answered with deluge of black petals...all
I think it would be better to use a comma here instead
of ellipses.
of them drugged.
Briefly Miko glowed blue again and she was holding a
again,
suggest: Miko briefly glowed blue again...
net. Dragging it
swiflty behindd her she caught all of the petals and
threw them back at
Kodachi. It didn't even touch Kodachi as she, using
her ribbon, caught the
net in mid-air andmade it go careening off to the
side.Miko's image suddenly
side. Miko's
blured and she appeared beside Kodachi. She
immeadietly executed a
immediately
punch-kick-punch combination, but all were
skillfully blocked by Kodachi.
Miko again glowed blue and she was holding a mallet
that was swinging right
for Kodachi's head. Kodachi dodged but midway
through the swing Miko let go
making it hit Kodachi stunning her. Seeing Kodachi
vulnerable, Miko again
glowed blue and she was holding another mallet that
swiftly connected with
Kodachi's mid-section...sending her right behind her
brother.
"Wow"Ranma commented
"Wow," Ranma commented.
"thank you." said Miko bowing. Noticing Akane she
"Thank you," said Miko bowing.
turned to her and said
"I apologize for what happened before...i wasn't
aware that he was your
fiancee."
Ranma: That's right everybody! Just mention you're my
fiancee, and you don't get sent to the hospital by
strange new blue-haired girls! Now try to tell me that
isn't a good deal.
"That's okay,it was Ranma's fault anyway." Akane
okay, it
replied
"Wha-"Ranma was about to react on what Akane said
but he was cut off when
Akane put a finger on his lips and winked.He quieted
winked. He
down instantly.
"So Miko...don't i know you from somewhere?" asked
Akane
Akane.
"I don't think so..."said Miko"the last time i was
Need spaces before and after 'said Miko'
here was 11 years ago."
"Oh, i see..."replied Akane
Ranma spoke up "Say you were pretty good out there.
What style were you
using? It was really wierd with all those mallets
weird
and bats flying around."
"That? Oh they weren't real." answered Miko
real," answered Miko.
"Not real? but how could that be it worked against
But
Kuno and Kodachi." asked
Ranma
Kodachi," asked Ranma.
"What I mean is that they weren't real in the sense
that the bat was wood
and the net was nylon. They were just projections
of my chi." explained Miko
chi," explained Miko.
"Oh." said Ranma
"Oh," said Ranma. (And this goes for every other
sentence like this, I'm too lazy to do it for every
one of them.)
"You know I'm surprised at you Ranma, seeing as how
your exposed at this
kind of technique everyday." Miko said looking
pointedly at Akane
At that Akane seemed to start.
Akane (thinks): How would she know? Has she been
stalking us?
Ranma grinned "So wanna spar?"
Miko looked startled " here? now?"
"Here
"No, later after school. At the Tendou Dojo."
Miko smiled " Sure."
"Sure
"Well okay, Ja Ne!"
******
It was now afternoon and Akane, Ranma with Miko were
now in the Tendou Dojo.
"Let's go?" asked Ranma
Miko merely nodded
It was over in moments.
"Ranma, Akane? Can you pls help me up?"
******
"You know you were good out there." said Ranma
"I especialy noticed how fast you moved" commented
Akane
Miko smiled ruefully "Stop that! You both know I was
terrible."
"On the contrary, the fact that you were able to hit
Ranma was amazing."
confessed Akane " I only know several people that
can even hit him"
"You one of those people?" asked Miko
"Yup!" Akane grinned.
"Well any way,what's the name of the style your
anyway,
using?" asked Ranma
Ranma.
"I honestly don't know. But I think my mom does, she
was the one who taught
me after all." said Miko
"Then let's go ask her." said Ranma
******
They were now at Miko's house. she quietly knocked
on the door.
after a few minutes it opened revealing a woman
"Miko, your back!" exclaimed the woman
Akane merely gawked and asked "MOM?!?"
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--End for Now--
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Notes: Again as before C&C is desperately needed!
Well, Mr. Kleppe pretty much said everything I was
going to say about developing Miko's character, so I
don't really have anything else to say.
However, you might want to work on your transitions a
bit. The scenes seem to shift a lot at the end, and if
Ranma and Akane are walking Miko home, you might want
to let the readers know that before hand.
=====
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L.A.
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