Comments##
Date: Sat, 15 Jan 2000 16:05:24 -0500 (EST)
Date: Date header was inserted by SMTP00.InfoAve.Net
From: Jed M Bidwell <Jedediah@tri-countynet.net> | Block address
Subject: [FFML] [REVISED][RANMA] The Surrogate.
To: ffml@fanfic.com
DISCLAIMER TIME!!!!!! Ranma 1/2 is used wihtout permission and was
created
by Rumiko Takahashi.
=============================================
Ranma 1/2: The Surrogate
=============================================
##Formatting makes it difficult to read. Try keeping it
at about 65-70 characters per line. That give you a little safety margin.
Ranma, like just about any other person on the planet, hated
hospitals. The cold, sterile walls, the waiting, the uncertainty of
having a
loved one in surgery, it was almost enough to drive him insane.
##Hmmm, just a bit awkward. Perhaps::
Ranma, like most people
OR
Ranma, like almost every person
A fibroid tumor, Ranma thought, remembering the diagnosis from
Akane's last visit to her gynecologist. It's probably nothing, she
said.
It's benign, not cancer. She'll be fine. Ranma's confidence, which had
been
so strong just a week before, was beginning to crumble. The doctor said
the
surgery would take an hour at the most, and here it was three. What was
going on!
##Not bad. IMO I'd build the tension a bit. You tell the reader too quickly
what is going on. I'd reverse the order. Talk about the surgery supposed to
take one hour, now three. THEN start building Ranma's worry.
Two weeks ago, Akane had visited Dr. Keiko Satoshi, her
gynecologist, for her annual checkup. It was then that they found the
tumor
growing on her uterus. The doctor had said it was a fibroid tumor, and
had
lost Ranma in the process of explaining what it was. Akane had been
kind
enough to translate, telling him that most fibroid tumors, about
nintey-eight percent, were benign and as such there was little to worry
about.
But sitting in the hospital, able to do nothing more than wait,
was
starting to get to him. He looked across at Kasumi, who sat near his
mother,
both with worried looks on their faces. Soun and Genma sat opposite of
them,
both looking somber and controlled. Nabiki, who was away at college,
was absent.
##Again, not bad. But I think the order is wrong. This is the place to build
tension. Keep the Reader in the dark. IMO parts of this should come first.
The beginning is good. Start with Ranma in the hospital. Then worry
about why the surgery is taking so long. Then introduce the family
members one at a time. The reader KNOWS it's not Ranma. Intersperse
bits of Ranma pacing and worrying. Thinking about the doctors
visit. Then eliminate the others one-by one. The key is dramatic tension. ^_^
Damnit, what's taking so long! The sound of footsteps
approaching
snapped his head up to seek out the source. Was this the surgeon? Were
they
finished?
The doctor walked up to them, a thin man with angular features
and a
pair of horn-rimmed glasses on his face. His white lab coat was
immaculately
neat, as were the rest of his clothes.
"Mr. Saotome?"
"How's Akane?" Oh, he did not like the tone in this guy's
voice...
"There has been a... complication... in the surgery." Ranma
barely
heard the gasps from the others as his world threatened to crumble
around
him. A complication? Something went wrong? The doctor's words came to
him
in fits and starts, disjointed sounds that made little sense
individually.
"...we had to perform a partial hysterectomy," he finished, his
voice filled with the apology he did not say. A histowhatome?
"Akane's gonna be okay, right?" Ranma asked desperately, a hard
edge
in his voice that dared the skinny little geek to give the wrong
answer.
"Your wife will make a full recovery, yes," the doctor replied.
Ranma felt relief wash over him in a wave, a great weight lifting off
his
shoulders. He almost shouted for joy when he noticed that no one else
was
sharing in his elation.
"Hey, c'mon!" Ranma exclaimed, "Akane's gonna be okay! What's
the
problem?"
"If you will excuse us, doctor," Nodoka said quietly.
"Of course. Akane is out of surgery now. You can see her in
another
few hours." The man bowed once before turning to leave. Ranma watched
as the
tears welled up in Nodoka's eyes, wondering just what the hell this was
all
about. The doc just said Akane would be all right!
"What's goin' on, mom?"
"Ranma..." Nodoka trailed off for a moment, as though she were
choosing her words as carefully as she could. "A hysterectomy is when a
woman's uterus is removed."
Ranma paused for a moment, lessons from his biology class
replaying
themseles in his mind. The uterus, that was where the babies grew
before
being born, right? He almost asked what it all meant when the
realization
finally hit him. If Akane's uterus had been taken out, then... oh,
no....
Ranma slumped back into the hard green chair, his body and mind
numb. Akane was... was... barren.....
##Not sure Ranma (or most men) would think the word barren.
This seems just a little old-fashioned or perhaps overly formal.
Seems especially odd to use since he doesn't seem all that clear
on the mechanics of reproduction. ^_O
============================================
The recovery ward in which Akane Saotome rested was a long
off-white
room in which non-critical patients were placed after surgery. Fifteen
beds
lined up parallel along one wall, each separated by a thin blue curtain
that
surrounded each bed and gave the illusion of privacy.
##Some URL's concerning Japanese Hospitals:
http://kenko.human.waseda.ac.jp/rihito/licht_winter94.html
(Japanese Doctor and bioethicist)
http://www.crisscross.com/users/scottwb/Kcol/col13.html
(This one is the actual experience of a woman having a baby
in a Japanese Hospital.
"There was a lot of other funny and sordid details I
was about to write here, but it would have been more
graphic than I imagine most peoples' stomachs can
bear. And if you are about to have a baby in Japan,
what can I say? Fly out of here while you can! If it's
already too late? May God be with you!")
{I know, I know. She's not having a baby. But babies are
involved in the story. And this gives a nice picture of
a Japanese hospital. There are, I'm sure, URL's showing
tumor surgery.) I think this is still useful.
http://web3.asia1.com.sg/timesnet/data/ab/docs/ab1628.html
Generally, IMO, the hospital scenes are good but too American.
As far as I can tell from research and talking with friends this is
much too cheerful and private for a Japanese Hospital. Ahh, the wonders
of socialized medicine. (Unless they've put Akane in a private hospital.
That's
a possibility. Pricey, but she has a MUCH better chance of actually
surviving.)
Akane lay in one of the beds, the privacy curtain in place. A
clear
IV tube ran from her hand to a clear plastic bag that hung on a metal
pole
beside her bed. Her chest rose and fell with each breath, her sleeping
face
almost angelic as she slumbered under the anesthesia.
Ranma stood next to her, the others surrounding the bed with
him, as
her eyelids began to flutter. A low moan escaped her lips as
consciousness returned to her.
##Nice, a little too "pretty" though. Hospitals _smell_, and they
have a certain "air" about them. Try to convey this feeling to the
reader.
Standing next to a hospital bed is a little awkward for any length of time.
Also patient has to look UP at standing person. Very uncomfortable.
(I've spent more time than I like to think in ICU, CCU, ER, etc.) Also most
hospitals
wouldn't let that many people into recovery. I'd keep it to Ranma and
his mother or better Ranma and Kasumi. Akane would want her sister
around. (Soun wouldn't be much help. ^_~)
How was he gonna tell her? How in the world could he possibly
break
such news? Ranma cursed the fate that placed them in this position, for
him
to be the one to shatter Akane's heart like this.
##Good.
Her eyes slowly
opened,
dulled from the residual drugs in her system. They fell on Ranma's
face, and
he almost couldn't bear their gaze.
"Hey," Akane said weakly.
"Hey, Akane. How're ya feelin'?"
"A little groggy, but I'm okay," she replied with a small grin.
##???Well, maybe. This is a MAJOR surgery and I'd build the tension a bit
here. OTOH when my wife came out of surgery she was in better shape
than the doctor. (She had an allergic reaction to the anesthesia. SHE ended up
having to reassure the doctor. ^_^) Considering Akane's general toughness I
can
believe this. I'd play with Ranma's reactions a little. Try to build a
little on his emotions
some more.
The
grin faded, replaced with a frown of concern. "Ranma, what's wrong?"
"Akane..." Ranma couldn't bring himself to say any more,
unwilling
to break down in front of her and everyone. He reached out and grasped
her
hand in both of his, hoping to draw the strength he needed.
##Ummm, OK. OTOH it's Akane who NEEDS the strength. ^_^
Interesting bit though. You could work this into story a little more.
Akane just out of surgery, yet having to supply strength to Ranma. ^_~
"What's going on? Everything's fine, right?" He could hear the
nervousness in Akane's voice, and it broke his heart.
## "nervousness" is, IMO, a bit bland.
Also I think this is a bit abrupt for someone just coming out of
anesthesia. IMO even
Akane would be a bit more groggy. She might pick up from Ranma's mood that
something
is wrong but IMO she would be a little more . . .confused than she appears.
"Akane, the doctors found.... other tumors." Nodoka said, her
voice
nearly choked. Akane gasped audibly, returning Ranma's grip with a
fierce
grasp of her own. "They had to perform a hysterectomy."
The small space went silent for a few moments, as if the world
itself suddenly stopped dead. The sound of footsteps echoed beyond the
blue
privacy curtain, a doctor or nurse making rounds as a voice quietly
asked
something of another patient.
It started as a low moan, growing rapidly to a keening wail as
the
realization hit home. Ranma's heart finally tore itself to shreds as he
draped an arm around Akane's shoulders. Her own arms shot around him,
grasping him as if her very life depended on it.
A nurse poked her head in to ask if everything was okay. Ranma
didn't answer as Akane's muffled sobs hit him like one of Ryoga's
punches.
He could feel her tears soaking his shirt, and finally allowed his own
to
break free.
"We tried so hard to get them married," Genma muttered, "and
now we
face a tragedy like this. What have we done to deserve it?"
## "we"??? ^_^ Genma, sensitive as always.
There was
no
answer, nor would there ever be.
##I'd drop this line. A little heavy handed.
Instead I'd move Genma's line up a paragraph or so and end
with Akane crying.
===========================================
Akane had been released soon after, returning to the dojo
looking
none the worse for wear.
##No, no. Not none the worse for wear. This negates everything
you've done AND trivializes her whole experience. Plus, doesn't seem
to fit with Akane sitting in the room. Change this or delete it. You could
very well start with "Akane spent . . ."
Akane spent most of the time sitting in the
bedroom
she now shared with Ranma, gazing at the spot where they were planning
to
put the crib after their first child was born, the look of longing on
her
face almost more than he could stand.
##Good. You might think about deleting " the look . . ."
If you stop with " . . .gazing at the spot . . .first child was born."
the rest is left to the readers imagination. IMO it's always best to
let the reader imagine things like this. They can always fill in so much
more than any writer can write. ^_^
Example:
Akane spent most of the time sitting in their bedroom, gazing at the
spot where the baby's crib would have gone.
"empty spot" would have the advantage of emphasizing the loss.
In fact if you really wanted to make it a shock, have her go in because they
think she's pregnant. (Some tumors can cause this) They could have gone out
and bought stuff for the baby, this lets her sit and look at an empty crib,
mobile, perhaps toys and wall paper. ^_^
Akane had drawn into herself, the fierce and determined tomboy
he
fell in love with nowhere to be found. He had tried everything, even
asking
her to cook, but she remained in her own isolation, hardly responsive.
The
strain of it was beginning to wear him thin, he wanted his Akane back,
damnit! Children or no, she couldn't stay this way!
##Good. IMO develop this a little more. This is narrative and therefore
not as strong as some of your other scenes. You could
spend a little time showing this in more detail. OTOH this would
add to the story in terms of KB written. NOT absolutely necessary but might
add
more punch. This is a real "slice of life" piece and those are always
hardest to
write. (It's MUCH easier to shoot Akane in the head. ^_^)
"Hey, Akane," Ranma said as he shut the bedroom door behind
him.
The lamp on the nightstand cast the room in a soft glow, the window
showing
only the darkness of night beyond its glass. The light shone dully on
Akane's hair, which hadn't been washed in over a week. Man, this was
really
getting to her.
##Ummmm, IMO an abrupt change to night. I'd like a little more build up.
That's why I suggested more detail on this earlier. Also, the "Man, this
was really
getting to her." SOUNDS as if Akane is saying this at first.
IMO::
The lamp on the nightstand cast the room in a soft glow, the window
showing only the darkness of night beyond its glass. The light shone dully on
Akane's hair, which hadn't been washed in over a week.
"Hey, Akane."
"Hi Ranma"
Works much better. You don't need the editorial comment "Man, this . . ."
is implicit in your very nice description. ^_^
"Hi, Ranma."
"You wanna go out tonight? There's a new movie out."
"No, thanks. I'm not in the mood."
"Akane, you can't stay up here moping around forever!" Ranma
hoped
the hard edge in his tone would produce some kind of reaction, a glare,
or a
free trip to the moon via one of Akane's haymakers, but she continued
to sit
there, stroking the teddy bear she had when she herself was a child.
##NICE. (as mentioned earlier you could make this a teddy bear
they'd bought for their child.) Works either way.
Instead, she stayed silent, staring at that one damn spot. "Ya gotta
get out
and do somethin'!"
Akane sat on their bed, her mind in violent turmoil despite her
placid facade.
##Ummmm, I'm not sure about this. Seems very jarring considering the
scene you've so carefully set.
She wanted children, she wanted them so desperately she
could
taste it,
##Errr, I'd chose another metaphor. ^_^ Good emotion otherwise. "desperately"
is good choice. also "wasn't going to happen." short, sharp. to the point.
but it just wasn't going to happen. They had planned on
building a
family, creating heirs to the Tendo and Saotome Schools of Anything
Goes
Martial Arts. They would have created a future for both themselves and
their
progeny, then sat back in their twilight years and watch the whole
cycle
continue.
##I'd delete this line. Slows the emotional pace and is
unnecessary considering what you've already written.
IMO, go from " . . .Martial arts." to "But that future had been ripped . . ."
But that future had been ripped away before they even had the
chance to begin. That knowledge, the empty feeling inside where her
children
would have grown into infants,
##Delete "into infants"
was more painful than any injury she had
ever
sustained before. Physical wounds healed, but something like this never
would. Couldn't Ranma see that?
##Try::
That future had been ripped away before they even had the
chance to begin. The empty feeling inside where her
children would have grown was more painful than any injury
Physical wounds healed, but something like this never
would.
"C'mon, Akane, say somethin'! Call me an insensitive jerk,
anything,
just talk to me!"
"Why?" It was her one question, the one asked by countless
others
facing such traumas. Why her? Why did it have to be her?
##Stick with just "Why?" and show the reader a little of Akane's
emotions through her actions or physical appearance or internal
dialogue. Make it more personal ::
"Why?" She looked at Ranma bleakly.
OR
"Why?" Why me? Why is this happening? Why am I being punished?
There was a universe of questions in that one word.
OR
"Why?" The questions asked by countless others. Why me? Why
did it have to be me?
(Change "her" to "me" to make it more direct and personal.)
"I don't know why, Akane," Ranma said gently, "but it ain't the
end
of the world. We can still have kids. Hey, we can always adopt, right?"
"That's not the same!" she snapped. For the first time, the
numbness
that clouded her brain had begun to lift, the flames of anger and
frustration finally re-kindling. "I want a child of our own! Not one
whose
parents were too lazy to raise it!"
##<ouch> Ummm, that's not quite how it is. ^_^
IMO it might be better to stop with "I want a child of our own."
OR
"Our child, our own flesh and blood."
or something similar to indicate the importance of bloodlines.
##I'm not sure about the modern Japanese thoughts on adoption.
However this might be useful at this stage of the story.
http://travel.state.gov/adoption_japan.html
"Akane!"
"Our own baby, Ranma, is that too much to ask?!"
"We can do that, too! The docs said that you still got one good
ovary!"
"But I can't give birth!" The flames of Akane's anger were
beginning
to die down as despair set itself in once again.
##IMO "can't have children." or "can't have a baby."
again, make it more personal. (IMO the key is "I can't _have_"
rather than "_give_")
This is an instance I'd spend a lot of time playing with the dialogue.
"So? All we need is a surrogate mother for that! Ukyo would
gladly
do it, so would Kasumi! Hell, even *mom* said she'd do it!"
##Ummm, I'm not sure _Ranma_ would be the one to bring it up.
Not like this at any rate. IMO it might be better to have one of the
women, perhaps Kasumi, bring this up. This also seems very
abrupt. I'd like a little more transition between Akane being depressed (very
nicely done ^_^) and going to discussing surrogate mothers.
"That's not the same, either." Akane recalled what Doctor
Satoshi
had said about In Vitro Fertilization. An egg would be removed from her
one
remaining ovary, and fertilized outside her body with a sample of
Ranma's
sperm. Once the fetus grew into an embryo, it would be implanted in a
surrogate mother until birth.
"Aw, jeez, Akane," Ranma growled in frustration."
"I'm sorry, but... I can't stand the thought of *our* child
growing
in another woman's body. It's just.... I don't know... I want our child
to
be born from *us*, not from someone else, even if it is Ukyo, or even
Kasumi."
##Good. Expand on this a little. It's a key point in the story. I'd
like to see the emotional interplay between Ranma/Akane AND
their internal emotions developed more. You've gotten a good start
with Akane. Ranma seems just a little glib. I'd like to see more of
what he's thinking. His worry for Akane. Most men, especially Japanese men,
want a son of their body. If Ranma is different let's see _why_ he's
different.
Ranma paused for a moment, realizing that, indeed, he had no
alternative. It was something he had considered, he knew he could do
it, but
the question was if Akane would accept it. Or if anyone else would. In
the
end, however, all it boiled down to was if he actually wanted to do it.
##Too abrupt. ^_^ Tease the reader a little. I rather thought this was coming
but, IMO, it's better to keep the reader guessing. This is happening too
smoothly.
IMO better to have some tension, some conflict, some problems with
having all this happen.
Did he really want to spend the next nine months as a woman?
Pregnant, at that? He could almost hear his mother going through the
roof
over that, his father right behind her. After all, why wouldn't Akane
just
pick a surrogate mother from one of her sisters, or even Ukyo? This
would
eventually tear their marriage apart, and not just from friction
between
them. Nobody would let it go that far.
##??let's see the tension. Show the reader the problems tearing
the family apart.
The family lines wouldn't be truly united unless a child was
born.
##??? Well, this is an interesting point that could be argued several ways.
Again, I'd like to see this argument. This is another possible sub-plot.
Tension
between the Tendous/Saotomes. Possibly even interaction between "fertile"
fiances.
Ranma really didn't want to have a concubine, even though he knew
several
girls who would be more than willing. He didn't want someone else, he
wanted
Akane. But if they could find no way to produce an heir, a way that
satisfied everyone, then their marriage would end whether by their own
hands
or by their family's. And that was just par for the course with Ranma's
life.
##This needs more explanation. It's possible that things would work out
this way. IMO you're showing this in isolation. Show the reader some
of the rest of the family. Show this through interaction between Ranma's
mother
Akane's father & sisters, etc.
Our feelings have never mattered, he thought with a sense of
rising
disgust. Neither he nor Akane had wanted each other when they first
met, but
that hadn't mattered to their parents. Now that they were finally
together,
and in love, they may be forced apart. Again, their feelings just
didn't
matter. For the first time, to Ranma's surprise, he found himself
hating his
family with nearly eerything he had.
##Good, good. IMO this might work better if these feeling
were developed in a larger context. Perhaps a family meeting to
decide how to handle Akane's "problem".
Well, not anymore. Their feelings *did* matter, and so help
him, he
would do it. Even if it meant losing the dojo, their families, even
their
home, he would stick by Akane no matter what. Nodoka and Genma be
damned!
Taking a deep breath to calm his crackling nerves, he opened his mouth
and
leapt into the great beyond.
"Then I'll do it." Akane just sat there for a moment, as if she
hadn't heard him. Finally, her eyes grew wide and her jaw dropped open
as
his statement hit home.
"Wha... wha.... *what*!?" The utter disbelief in Akane's shout
hit
him like a brick, but it was the first real emotion she'd shown in
weeks.
"If that's what you're worried about, then I'll carry our
baby,"
Ranma explained, cranking his determination up to full. "My girl body's
got
the equipment."
"But.... but... Ranma, are you nuts?"
"Maybe, but if this is the way it's gotta be..."
"You can't be serious! Can you imagine explaining to our child
that
his father is also the woman who bore him?" Ranma had to admit, he
couldn't
even begin to comprehend something like that. He couldn't bother with
it,
though.
##^_^ {<chorus> "I'm my own grandpa."}
Cute. A lot of possibilities for more drama & comedy.
"Listen, Akane!" Ranma exclaimed, his patience nearly depleted,
"I
want children just as much as you do! I want to have a child from our
own
flesh and blood, too! And if you don't want our baby to grow inside
another
woman, then I'll carry it myself! It'll still be our baby, and it'll
still
come from one of us!"
"I..."
"No, listen, Akane. I'm not just doing this for an heir! I'll
do it
because damnit I love you, and I want you to be happy!"
##Nice.
Akane's eyes
locked
with his, the confused jumble of feelings behind them plain even to
him.
They looked into each other's souls for what felt like and eternity,
each
desperately trying to read the thoughts of the other. Eventually, Akane
broke their contact, looking down at the teddy bear she still clutched
in
her hands.
"I don't know, Ranma," Akane said softly, "I mean, there's so
much
that could go wrong, and what would our families think?"
"I don't care about that."
"Just let me think about it, okay?"
"Okay," Ranma said, placing a gentle kiss on her cheek. He rose
from
the bed, hope blossoming in his heart. It would be tough, but at least
now
they had a chance...
##IMO this section was weak. It really needs to be expanded a lot
OR shortened a great deal. You introduced a lot of material, mostly
in short segments of Ranma/Akane dialogue (internal and external).
IMO this doesn't do justice to your story. It doesn't deliver
the full emotional impact. I think this section
has a lot of opportunity for increased story telling.
=========================================
Breakfast the next morning saw the Tendos and Saotomes gathered
around the table, enjoying one of Kasumi's excellent spreads. The
morning
sun beamed its heavenly glow onto the ground below, sliers of light
glinting
off the gently rippling surface of the koi pond in the yard.
Akane sat next to Ranma, a curious expression on her face that
drew
the attention of everyone gathered. Conversation remianed mostly on
trivial
subjects, no one willing to broach Akane's condition. Akane herself
just ate
slowly, almost mechanically, yet her eyes shone with a strange light as
if
maybe she had come to some sort of tough decision and still didn't know
if
it was right.
"Ranma," she said, setting down her chopsticks. Her fingers
interlocked with each other, thumbs fidgeting with one another as she
prepared to speak. "I thought about what you said last night."
"Yeah?" The hope in his voice was palpable, drawing curious
stares
from the assembled families.
"Uh-huh. And I decided to do it."
"You... have? Really!"
"Yeah. I want to do it." Akane's voice grew happier by the
second, a
smile finally crossing her lips.
"YA-HOO!"
"What is this all about?" Nodoka asked, puzzled.
"Akane 'n me are gonna have a baby!" The mood around the table
almost instantly lightened as smiles grew all around.
"Oh, that's great news, Akane!" Kasumi exclaimed, "are you
going to
adopt?"
//Uh-oh,\\ Ranma thought. This was the tricky part.
##martial arts understatement. O_^
"Well, we decided to do that In Vitro thing," Akane replied,
her own
nervousness showing through. Genma asked who they had chose to be the
surrogate mother, obviously misinterpreting the reason for her unease.
##Ummm, just have Genma ask. Direct is better IMO.
"Uh.... me." The happy mood in the room instantly went straight
south. Every eye in the room immediately fixed on Ranma, shock and
confusion
creating an almost physical presence in the air.
##Love the "straight south". IMO better to cut the physical desctiption
that follows "The happy mood . . .in the air." and go directly to "Oh my."
IMO the reader's imagination will fill in the rest.
"Oh, my."
"You... you...." Genma said, his right eye twitching.
"Yeah. Me."
"It's not manly!" Genma practically screamed. "You're a man!
Men
don't bear children!"
"Stuff it, pop!" Ranma shouted back. "This is the only way
you're
gonna be a grandpa! So deal with it!"
"Ranma, have you lost your fool mind?" Nodoka asked.
##???Errrr, seems an odd word choice.
"Mom?"
"Son, I don't think you should do it."
"I can't believe I'm hearin' this!" Ranma screamed, shooting up
from
his seat. "I ain't doin' this for any of you! I'm doin' it for me an'
Akane!
An' if you don't like it, that's tough!"
"Ranma!"
"I want to go through with this, too!" Akane shouted.
"Akane," Kasumi said, "I would gladly..."
"NO!" Kasumi jerked back from Akane's heated response as if she
had
been physically struck. Akane felt a pang of guilt at having snapped at
her
sister. "I'm sorry, Kasumi, but I don't want our child to come from
someone
else. I've thought about it, and this is the way it has to be. End of
discussion."
##fair enough. Just build up to this decision. As I mentioned
in the previous section this seems to be just dropped on
everyone. I'd like to SEE the build up to this point.
Silence reigned after Akane's difinitive ending remark, no one
seeming to even breathe as the seconds stretched into minutes and
minutes
into infinity.
"Ranma...." Soun said, tears practically pouring from his eyes,
"I
had no idea. To think that you would... go so far... to bring us
grandchildren!" Ranma soon found himself inside Soun's crushing
embrace, his
ribs beginning to hurt from the force. "I'M SO PROUD OF YOU! MY SON, MY
SON!!!"
#LOL
Ranma managed to extricate himself after a brief struggle,
gasping
for air afterward. He could feel the unease in the air, the uncertainty
of
the moment like a pressing cloud of heavy gas.
"I will not allow it," Nodoka stated, matter-of-factly. "Ranma,
you
are my son. My *son*," she said, giving particular emphasis to the last
word, "and I will not stand for you behaving in such a shameful
fahsion."
"Shameful?" Ranma choked, unable to believe what he was
hearing,
"What's shameful about it? Our families get united, an' me an' Akane
don't
need someone else to carry our child! You get what you want, an' we get
what
we want! Hell, you oughtta be thrilled!"
"How dare you speak to me in such a fashion!" Nodoka shouted,
her
face beginning to take on a crimson shade. Ranma stared into his
mother's
eyes, at the tears that were yet to be shed. He was hurting his mother,
and
as such himself, but he couldn't back down now. It was their last
chance.
##IMO you need to build up to this. Nodoka is pretty much an unknown
quantity so it's not implausible she would act like this. However I
think you should spend some time building up to this. Show Nodoka
and the other family members reacting and interacting. Build Nodoka's
character to the point this is not so much of a shock. (Recall that the
little we DO see of Nodoka in manga/anime is just a little strange.)
Other than the little idiosyncracy with the katana she shows herself to
be a good cook, patient and kind with teaching Akane. Oh, and there's
that thing with manliness being equated with peeping. ^_^ So I'd
spend a little time building up to this point rather than just dropping
it on us.
"Please, stop it!" Akane screeched, bringing the arguement to a
crashing halt. Ranma looked over at her, at the tears streaming freely
from
her eyes and felt his heart break for what had to be the thousandth
time.
"Akane," Nodoka said, "surely you understand what is at stake
here?"
"I do, more than you know," Akane replied in a shaky and uneven
voice. "What's at stake is your honor, your pride. What Ranma and I
want
doesn't make a real difference, does it?"
"That is not..."
"It is," Akane said, cutting Nodoka off. "Ranma, I want our own
baby, I really do, but I don't want to cut off your relationship with
your
mother. She's been such a small part of your life, and I don't want you
to
lose her now." Akane then rose to her feet, eyes downcast and shoulders
slumped in defeat. "Then I guess... I'll.... have to take the honorable
way
out."
##Ummmm, THIS is a very tricky part. And another pivotal section.
Again I think it needs more development. Build up to this more slowly
and completely. Depending on how traditional Akane/Ranma & co. are
there are many ways to deal with this. Traditionally Nodoka could tell
Ranma to leave Akane. Could take her child from her and give it away
for adoption. (This has happened as recently at the mid 1960's from
my reading. Mother-in-law didn't like the wife. Drove her, pregnant from
her home. After the girl had baby she showed up, son (girls husband)in tow,
took the child and gave it away for adoption. ) I just think you need to
develop this more. More depth to the characterizations.
With that, Akane turned and ran upstairs, wrenching sobs trailing
behind with her thundering footsteps. Ranma cast a glare at Nodoka,
fleeing
upstairs after his wife.
##Ummm, I think perhaps another word than "fleeing".
Nodoka just sat there as the silence stretched into eternity
after
the sounds of footfalls and a slamming door vanished. Akane would
rather
commit sepukku than have her child in anyone other than herself or
Ranma.
##Ummm, maybe. I'm going to post an article on sepukku to FFML.
I'm NOT an expert by any means. Not even close to understanding, except
superficially, Japanese culture. HOWEVER the use of sepukku does not
seem to fit the situation or Akane's personality. If she has been driven
to the point of suicide (NOT the same as sepukku) this needs to be developed.
She's upset, depressed. She MIGHT be suicidal. However this is not the same as
sepukku which is a ritual act used in specific instances. Sepukku is committed
in COLD blood. NOT under stress or depression.
By
all rights, Nodoka should have been satisfied, everyone's honor would
be
served and things could move on. The arrangement between the Tendo and
Saotome clans would have been resolved with an honorable action. But
why did
she suddenly feel sick?
##Good question. IMO this section needs a re-write. If Akane is suicidal
well and good. I've no problems with that. Just develop it some more. Let the
reader FEEL her agony and despair. Let them understand why she feels this way.
OR
if she feels sepukku is the only way out show them this as well. IMO that's an
entirely different set of emotions. OR at least a different perspective.
AND why IS Nodoka suddenly sick? Her personality needs more development
to make this clear. IF she was going to make her husband and son commit
sepukku
why should she worry about Akane?
Ranma's look, she thought suddenly, remembering the glare he
cast
her before chasing his wife. It was a look she had never seen before,
so
full of anger, disgust, even contempt, all aimed directly at her. At
that
moment, her heart had frozen. In that one space of barely a second,
Nodoka
actually thought that her son had come to hate her.
Honor was one thing, but family quite another. Ranma had been
gone
so long from her life. Missing his childhood had left a great void in
her
heart, one that would never truly heal, and Akane had become so dear to
her
as well. Perhaps the only thing that was permanent really was change...
##Good start developing Nodoka. Needs more and earlier in the story.
======================================
The night blanketed Nerima in its star-strewn darkness, the
glow
from the deck lights mounted on the dojo wall glinting off the koi pond
by
which Nodoka sat.
Not for the first time, she found herself cursing her decision
to
let Genma take her son away for so long, to train him in the Art he
loved so
much. Ten years gone, never to be replaced. It was almost enough to
make her
cry.
Life would have been easier on everyone if she had told him no,
to
just train him at home, right? He could have met with Akane, and the
arranged marriage could have gone as planned without all that strange
interference. No Ukyo, no Shampoo, Cologne, or Mousse, no curses, life
would
have been more or less normal. Of course, those two Kuno children would
pose
a few problems, as would Ryoga for a time, but Hibiki would get over it
and
the Kunos would hopefully just drop out of the picture. Life would be
as it
should have been.
Of course it wouldn't, Nodoka thought sourly as she dashed her
own
vision of Ranma's perfectly normal life. She had heard the stories of
Kirin,
of Toma, and of Saffron. If Ranma hadn't had such prowess in the Art,
if he
hadn't learned those secret techniques from Cologne, then he would
never
have defeated Kirin. Akane would have been wed to that misguided prince
and
Ranma would have been dead. If Happosai hadn't twisted him first, that
is.
##Well, perhaps. Or perhaps they'd never have met Kirin. Perhaps Happy
would still be in the cave. ^_^ IMO some or all of this needs to be earlier
in the story.
You're hitting the reader with an awful big chunk late in the story. spread
it out and build slowly.
Many times, it seemed that the events in life were manipulated
by
some great unseen hand, every event planned out by an intellect far
greater
than her own. After all, a life as strange as Ranma's could not be the
result of pure coincidence alone.
Her train of thought was broken by the sound of a soft footstep
behind her. Nodoka started violently, whirling around as best she
could to
face the darkened form of her son. Ranma stood behind her, the air
seeming
to cool slightly as he looked at her.
"How is Akane?" Nodoka asked through a suddenly dry throat.
"She's okay." Ranma's voice was flat, toneless. "I managed to
calm
her down. She's sleepin' now."
"Good. Sit, Ranma." Ranma didn't move, still a stationary patch
of
shadow. "Please." Ranma complied, moving to sit next to her on the cool
ground. She noticed him cast one wary glance at the tranquil water as
he did so.
"Ranma," she said, "I know having a child is important to you
and
Akane. In many ways, more than it is to us. But you must understand
that
your solution is..."
"Wrong?" he asked with a note of acid in his voice.
"I suppose that is a good term. Why do you want to? Kasumi
would
gladly carry your child."
"Mom," Ranma began, nervousness creeping into his voice. He was
silent for a moment, as if contemplating his words. Nodoka knew that
expressing his feelings was a difficult task for him, another effect of
not
having a mother, and her heart went out to him. "I don't wanna use
Kasumi or
Nabiki like that. I mean, it took me this long to finally realize that
I
love Akane. I can't see myself doing... well, you know... with anyone
else."
##Ummm, it's "In Vitro" so he wouldn't be.
"I understand that," Nodoka replied, suppressing a giggle. She
understood all too well. "And I commend you for such fidelity. I can
only
hope Genma was as faithful to me as you are to Akane.
"However," she said, again in all seriousness, "the doctors
have
said that they can fertilize one of Akane's eggs to place in another
woman.
That would prevent you from having to have sex with either of Soun's
other
daughters."
"Yeah," Ranma consented, "but Akane don't want her baby growin'
inside anyone else. It's kinda hard to explain, but... well... she
wants our
baby to be from us, y' know? To be our blood, but from one of us, too.
I
know that's hard to understand, but..."
"No, Ranma, it isn't hard to understand at all," Nodoka said
softly,
draping a motherly arm around her son's shoulders. "The reality of not
being
able to bear children is a hard one for a woman as young as Akane."
##An abrupt change in attitude. Not a bad scene but needs to be integrated
more
smoothly. BUILD to this.
"What about you?"
##Ummm, what exactly is Ranma asking here? For Nodoka to be the surrogate?
What she feels about bearing children?
"I am past my child-bearing years, Ranma," Nodoka replied, a
note of
sadness escaping her control. She had been deprived of the best part of
motherhood, raising her son into a man, but that was neither here nor
there.
That had been her own decision, and she would have to live with it.
##She IS??? Ranma is about 17 or 18. It's possible----- but I shouldn't think
Nodoka much above 40 if that. (Japanese wives tend to be younger by several
years
than their husbands. Nodoka could be as young as 30-33) Could be early
menopause
but she's talking as if she's an old woman.
"Ranma," she said, "I am not without sympathy. I know how much
you
love Akane, especially to want to go so far for her. Such devotion to
one
you love only proves how much of a man you really have become, despite
your
time with Genma."
"An' I'll still be a man," Ranma protested, "on the inside."
"Yes, yes you will. I am still against the idea, but if this is
what
you and Akane truly want... I will not stand in your way."
##<eeeeep> THAT was an abrupt change of mind. And we don't really know
why she was so nasty to begin with.
"You... really?" The hope in her son's voice healed some of
Nodoka's
broken heart.
"Yes."
"That's... Thank you, mom!" Ranma's arms shot around her,
holding
her in a tight embrace that she readily and eagerly returned. To
actualy
hold her son in her arms, the wait had been worth it. Perhaps Genma had
done
something right on the road after all. "I love you. ma."
"I love you, too, son." They held each other for a moment
longer
before Nodoka reluctantly ended the embrace. "However, there are things
about pregnancy that you do not understand. It is a joyous time, true,
but
also one of the hardest on a woman's body and mind."
"I don't care about that," Ranma returned, his words full of
determination. "I ain't afraid!"
"You will be," Nodoka said, "you will be."
##Especially giving birth in a Japanese hospital. Where they
believe pain killers are only for women with "mental problems." ^_^
(Ranma might just qualify. )
Ranma just looked at
her,
confused. "But that is for a later time. Come, we must go back inside."
Ranma shot to his feet, extending a hand for Nodoka to take. Grasping
his
waiting hand, she pulled herself up and both mother and son made their
way
back to the dojo.
"Hey mom?"
"Yes?"
"About pop, he didn't cheat on ya."
##Except for that one time, for the extra pickle. Oh, and that
time for the bread and black beans. And . . .
===========================================
AUTHOR'S NOTES
Okay, now I know some pundits out there are gonna claim that
the
movies aren't canon. Well, too bad. :P
Now for some notes on Nodoka. Some portray her as some twisted
manliness-freak. Others as a hard-assed honor nut. Me, I like to think
that while she does hold to traditions, she is not inflexible. I guess I
jsut wnat to show her as a real person. So, how'd I do?
Jed
##Overall: Pretty good. Very good as a stand alone.
Only pretty good compared to some of your other stuff. ^_^
(Hey, you're a hard act to follow, even for yourself.)
Good idea. However it needs to be MUCH longer with a lot
of development of characterizations and situations OR
MUCH shorter. Either way would work. IMO this middle ground
dilutes much of the emotional impact.
Pit-Nicks: (which are worse than Nit-Picks):
Need a little more research on Japanese hospitals, thoughts
on surrogate parents, adoption, etc.
For instance, since the surrogate mother is the _legal_ mother
there are reasons for and against different people acting as surrogate.
If Ukyou were surrogate, would she give HER (and Ranma's)child
back? This would make a story in itself. However in YOUR story if
offers a real and compelling reason NOT to involve outsiders. Nabiki
wouldn't want to in all probability. If you remove Nodoka for reasons
of age or some other reason that leaves Kasumi. And Ranma.
IMO Kasumi is actually a much better choice. However for reasons of THIS
story you'll need to eliminate her. I'd spend more time on this. AND I
wouldn't make
it so much of a slam-dunk that Ranma IS going to do so. (Perhaps Kasumi has
a blood
factor incompatibility that prevents her from being able to host a child of
Ranma/Akane.)
IMO I'd SLOWLY eliminate possibilities. SLOWLY build the tension, slowly
tear the families apart. ^_^
Hope this and the URL's help. Good story. Thanks for the chance to read it.
^_^
Some URL's on Japanese Surrogate Mothers:
http://www.japanlaw.org/wwwboard/messages/37.html
Posted ByTatsuo on March 17, 1999 at 20:32:19:
In Reply to: surrogate motherhood posted byAndrea on March 17, 1999 at
04:05:44:
Japanese law neither recognizes nor prohibits surrogate motherhood.
Under the general rules, when a surrogate mother delivers a baby, the
surrogate mother will become a legal mother. After the birth, adoption is
possible. The validity of contractual arrangements before the birth is
uncertain under Japanese law.
I'm not aware of any business entity providing surrogate services on a
commercial basis in Japan. Some Japanese go to the U.S. to receive
commercial surrogate services.
http://www.surrogacy.com/personals/article/giftlang.html
Surrogacy. . . A Gift in Any Language!
By: A Surrogate
Hi, I was a surrogate for a Japanese couple and was asked to write
about it. I was
going though an agency and was asked if I would mind being a surrogate
for a
Japanese couple. I said "no, not at all." My application was sent over
there to be
viewed by parents. A young couple picked me for their surrogate.
<SNIP> a LOT of good stuff. (Look on the URL)
We bought gifts for the babies. In Japan they do not have showers, so
my mom and
friends brought gifts to help out. It was very nice. The mother never
came without
bringing something for me and my children, and to be able to give
something back
and help them was a true blessing. I have a lot of pictures of all of
us together, along
with the letters she wrote in Japanese (translated into English), so
one day my
children can look back and read what she wrote to me. For the year and
half what a
bond we had.
My children were very happy that I was doing this and wrote to the mother
throughout the pregnancy and sent pictures they had drawn at school.
They were
also able to see the babies. When it was time for the couple to leave
and go back to
San Francisco, I took them to the airport. It was our final goodbye. I
had a lot more
I wanted to say, but with no translator there, it was hard. (The
translator had left a
few days before so we had no one but us trying to talk. We did great
though.)
They went to San Fransico and stayed for a few weeks and then flew off
to Japan to
live as a family. I would be lucky to be able to help another couple.
Some women
like me have no problem getting pregnant. And then there are those who
need a little
help and I am glad that I am here!
December 1997
Guest commentary and representations by others do not necessarily
reflect the opinions of the principals of TASC, and
should furthermore be independently verified.
http://www.ncgr.org/gpi/odyssey/privacy/priv_bibAM80-89.html
Genetic Privacy Bibliography
References from the Bibliography of
Bioethics
1980 to 1989
A-M by author
<SNIP>
Bai, Koichi ; Shirai, Yasuko ; Ishii, Michiko
Reproductive technology: in Japan, consensus
has limits. nt,
Hastings Center Report. 1987 Jun; 17(3): S18-S20.
As part of a series of six articles on reproductive
technologies around the world, three Japanese
scholars report on the situation in their country. At
present, artificial insemination and in vitro
fertilization are offered to infertile married couples,
and research is performed on early embryos up to 14
days after fertilization. Neither surrogate mothers nor
donated gametes are used in Japan. Bai, Shirai, and
Ishii identify several issues that they believe merit
further public debate, among them the legal status of
AID children, the experimental nature of in vitro
fertilization, genetic manipulation of embryos, and
gender selection. They summarize the findings of
four opinion surveys that show a lack of consensus
among the Japanese on the acceptability of
reproductive technologies, which in the words of the
authors create a tension and a link between traditional
belief and contemporary practice. (KIE abstract)
artificial insemination,attitudes, beginning of life,
children, confidentiality, embryo transfer, embryos,
genetic intervention, government regulation, health
personnel, human experimentation, in vitro
fertilization, legal aspects, married persons, privacy,
public opinion, public policy, reproductive
technologies, selection for treatment, sex preselection,
single persons, surrogate mothers, survey, values
http://www.csu.edu.au/learning/eubios/EJ66/EJ66G.html
Lessons from Clinical Anthropology Classes for Undergraduate Students
- Female students agreed with the surrogate mothers and
homosexuality more than male students. Male students denied childcare by
homosexual parents morethan female students. Sex selection insemination
with the exception for disease prevention was denied by female students
significantly more than male students.