Don't ask. Just... fly.
Kenko/Robert Haynie-- Author of Girl Days, Paragon, Redheads,
and War and Peace-- Gomen, no the last was Leo Tolstoy. Well,
I was CLOSE...
-- Attached file included as plaintext by Listar --
-- File: lina3beardr.txt
Fairy Tales for Otaku Number One:
Lina Inverse and the Three Bears
A Slayers Fairy Tale
by Robert Haynie
(Everyone in this fic belongs to someone except the three bears,
who are public domain. I think.)
####
Once upon a time there was a little girl named Goldilocks.
This is not her story.
Rather, this is a story about another little girl named Lina
Inverse, who was considerably older than she looked, and was really
rather capable of some pretty impressive stuff.
But we all know that already.
Often Lina would have adventures. That's the sort of thing you
do when you're one of the world's most powerful sorceresses.
This is about one of them.
Just a rather strange one...
####
(Gourry, where are you?)
Lina Inverse didn't NEED Gourry Gabriev, of course. She was
skilled with a blade herself, and she was a VERY powerful magus, and
she was incredibly clever, and she was also staggeringly beautiful
and not flat-chested at all so there.
And she certainly didn't MISS him or anything, nothing like that,
there wasn't any sort of relationship thing going on no matter what
anyone said.
She just... was used to him being around. That was all.
Oh, and she most certainly was NOT lost. Lost was something that
happened to other people who weren't as clever and powerful and
beautiful and not flat-chested as Lina.
She just didn't exactly know where she was, was all. Not the
same thing. Really.
Oh, hell. She was lost, she had NO idea WHERE she was, and she
would have paid money to see Gourry's clueless but handsome face
right now.
She was also hungry, but there was nothing new about that.
So, lost, hungry, and irritated, Lina wandered the woods like a
lost, hungry, and irritated person. Which, of course, stands to
reason.
After a while of this unsatisfying activity, Lina came across a
small cottage in the woods. Lina's highly trained logic abilities
suggested that cottage = shelter, and possibly food. Both of which
Lina found enticing possibilities.
As she entered, her face lit up. There was a table, and on it
there were three bowls. And in the bowls there was FOOD.
True, it wasn't anything special-- just simple porridge-- but in
the area of edibles, Lina wasn't known for being particularly picky.
She tried the first bowl, but it was too hot.
She tried the second bowl, but it was too cold.
She tried the third bowl, and it was just right.
Being Lina Inverse, she ate the just right bowl. Then she ate
the other two even if they were somewhat unsatisfactory. No sense
letting food go to waste.
She then decided to have a little sit. The first chair she tried
was too tall for her.
The second chair was too wide, in her opinion.
The third one was perfectly sized, but apparently made of
severely substandard materials, since after a moment's sitting it
collapsed.
Lina said "Ouch".
Well, she was feeling a bit tired anyhow. She went upstairs to
see if there was anything to take a nap in.
Luckily, there were. There were-- wait for it-- three beds.
The first bed was too hard.
The second one was too soft.
The third one was just right.
Lina was beginning to detect a pattern here, but was too tired to
care at the moment.
So she dozed off, full.
Now, it probably doesn't come as a surprise to hear that this
cottage belonged to three bears. It should, since bears are not
normally known for their domestic proclivities, much less their
porridge making prowess, but since this is a fairy tale, we can let
this peculiar aberration of natural law slide.
They had decided to take a little walk to let the porridge cool
down. Now they were back-- and appalled.
"Someone's been sitting in my chair," mused the father bear,
adjusting his jerkin.
"Someone's been sitting in my chair too," added the mother bear,
smoothing her skirts and looking rather worried.
"Nobody's been sitting in my chair. They were just smashing it,"
the child bear said, with glee. She'd always HATED that chair.
Maybe now she could have a new one.
"I don't see how-- Hey, someone's been eating my porridge. All
of it," noted the father bear.
"Same here, dear," the mother bear said with asperity. She'd
worked hard on that porridge.
"Cool! I hate porridge anyhow. Can we have fish instead like
other bears?" the child bear chimed in.
"I detect a pattern here," mused the father bear. Then he
stopped short as a strange sound emitted from upstairs.
"I just KNOW there's someone up there sleeping. Our cousins over
in the next forest had the same thing happen to them."
"Maybe whoever it is burned my bed to the ground! I can get a
new bed too!" chortled the child bear, who was finding all this much
more interesting than gathering berries and eating porridge.
"Whatever. Let's check," the father bear said, in a resigned
tone.
"What if it's a burglar?" the mother bear asked, with some
trepidation.
"Dear, we ARE bears."
"Oh, right." The mother bear blushed prettily. This is actually
quite impressive for a bear.
And so, as was inevitable, the three bears went upstairs.
"KNEW it," sighed the father bear, staring at his rumpled sheets.
"Oh, my," murmured the mother bear, who saw a lot of housework
coming up.
"Hey, you-- get outta my bed!" yelled the child bear, shaking
Lina.
Lina woke up.
Lina saw three bears.
In clothes. Oddly human shaped for bears, but bears nonetheless.
And they were LOOKING at her.
"I don't suppose you have an explanation for this, young lady?"
the father bear asked.
Normally, when confronted by something like this, Lina's first
reaction would have been, well, either a line of bushwah or a
skillfully applied fireball. Possibly both. But three bears? Three
freaking BEARS?
And the youngest one looked to be about-- in human terms--
sixteen or so, and was wearing a bress and bodice and had... had...
And Lina broke down sobbing at the thought that a damn BEAR could
have a more mature figure than her's.
Somewhat taken aback, the mother bear started to comfort the
sobbing girl, the father bear looked embarrassed, and the child--
well, teen bear, actually, started to examine Lina's clothing.
"Wow, this is some cool stuff! Are you a sorceress? You're
dressed like one. I never met a sorceress before. Wicked witches,
sure-- all around these woods-- not not a sorceress..."
About three hours later, Lina left the bear's house still
somewhat dazed, but full (again), and oddly content at the kindness
of the bears. She also left the bears somewhat wealthier by a few
gold pieces (an unusually vocal concience prodded to pay for her
meals and the damaged chair) as well as having that new well dug they
had wanted when the teen bear had pleaded for Lina to show her a
real, honest spell instead of something boring like a poison apple.
Later, she met up with Gourry, who looked dazed.
"Hey, Gourry, you ok?"
Gourry just shook his head. "Lina, I GOT to tell you about this
little red-headed girl and the big bad wolf and all the DAMAGE that
happened..."
And that, dear otaku-chan, is the end.