From: Miashara <s2mlmill@titan.vcu.edu>
To: Anand Rao <jouve25@hotmail.com>, FFML <ffml@fanfic.com>
Subject: Re:[Ranma]Heart of the Immortal [3/?]
Date: Fri, 14 Jan 2000 23:23:40 -0500

> "Aya, I am so sorry about your mother, if I had known she was ill-"

Not a good way to start a conversation with your fiancee.

Heh.  Better than, "I found someone else."  though.

> "Would you have returned sooner?"  Once again, there was a slight accusation
> in her voice, but she didn't look at him.  She sat silently, her hands
> folded in her lap with her head bowed.

Model Japanese submissive woman.

She tries...  she really does.

> "Aya, I. . ."

You're repeating yourself Ranma me boy.

> Ranma bowed his head and closed his eyes.  He was not ready for this
> confrontation, nor had he expected it.  "Aya.  The Art is very important to
> me.  It -is- the most important part of my life, and I can't change that,
> but I will marry you."

don't be too enthusiastic there Ranma.

LOL.

> "Uh. . . yes, they're fine."  Ranma was confused by the sudden change of
> subject.

Be afraid.

> "Good.  I added a special ingredient; just for you."

Be very afraid.

> "You will understand, Ranma-san.  You will feel my pain."  Aya drew a short
> elegant tanto from the sleeve of her kimono.

DIE Ranma Die.

> "They are magical and mystical creatures, and they grant immortality.  You
> will live until you understand what you have done to me.  The pain you have
> inflicted on me, I return a thousand fold.  You will fall in love a thousand
> times before you die, and as you lose each love, maybe you will understand
> the one woman who loved you."   Aya drew the tanto out of it's sheath and
> plunged the blade into her belly.  "I. . . have always. . . loved. . . you."

o/~Remember that I always loved you, as I throw your fucking throat
away, there can be no other way. o/~

Nice scene.

Thanks.  Will explain later what leads her to this.

> Ranma was certainly a master; and however much he may deny it, Akane knew
> that he was close to her in age.  To accomplish so much at such a young age.
> . . Akane wanted that, she realized.  She wanted it more than anything else.

Is that an ellipse or not? I'd kill it either way.

Will do.

> "I. . . appreciate the help, but I don't want you interfering in my fights
> any more."  Akane took a deep breath.  "I'm a martial artist too!"

Oh dear me not this again.

Broken records remain broken.

> "There's a lot to being a martial artist, Akane.  There's a lot to fighting
> a battle with honor."  Ranma paused and his voice became soft and gentle.
> "But there's also a lot to knowing when you need help, and sometimes,
> reaching out for that help is the hardest and bravest thing you could do."

Ranma, showing maturity? Dare I hope?

Well, after 200 years...

> "No, but that's because I'm the best!"  Ranma smirked arrogantly.  "Ready to
> start now?"

Appearently not.

Broken records and all that...

> Tears streamed down his eyes as he held his chopsticks.

This is supposed to be unusual?

> "Hey, it wasn't my fault you over-extended your arm!" Ranma protested.   "I
> know you want to hit me, but honestly, that was just sloppy."

If Ranma's that good, I doubt he'd let Akane do that.

Um... what Bree said. ^_^

>Ranma ran out of the clinic, closing the door behind him.

Very considerate of him.

He picked up a few manners.

> "Ranma, did you find the person who shot you?" Soun asked.

Now, they're blase.

> "It wasn't terrorism," Ranma replied.  "It was an accident.  I was in a
> street fight and sort of got carried away."

Sigh. Only in Ranma.

And Fatal Fury.

> "So it would seem.  I will accept your money and let you go, on one
> condition."

I get your first born son.

> Ranma grinned cockily.  "Let's do it."  He flipped out of his chair and
> ended up standing behind it.  "Did you want to fight here?"

Couldn't just stand, could you?

> Freeman fell to the ground but immediately jumped back up, kicking Ranma in
> the stomach as he did so.  Ranma doubled over, rolled forward on the ground,
> leaped straight up in front of Freeman and nailed him with an uppercut
> beneath the chin. As Freeman fell back, Ranma crouched down and connected
> with a spin kick to his legs.  Freeman landed solidly on his back and the
> air was forced out of his lungs.  Before he could recover, Ranma's fist
> sailed towards his face and stopped inches in front if his nose.

You had a few slight problems with your fight scene.
1)See spot run. all your sentences were composed of subject then verb
ten predicate.
2)Also, you repeated Ranma and Freeman's names quite often. As a result,
the dialogue didn't seem to flow.

*sigh*  yeah, I know.  Knew it as I wrote it.  I hate writing fight scenes, I find them boring.  Prolly won't have many of them in this fic.

> "I will.  You'd better train up by then, cause I'll give you one hell of a
> fight."  Ranma bowed, then left.

Interesting changes you've made in Ranma. I see some Manji in him that I
find quite interesting.

Should make things more interesting when Manji shows up, er...

> "I wish you wouldn't put it that way," Ranma winced.

Feeling delicate?

Or old.

> "And you're a master, and. . . as frustrating and annoying as you are, I
> want to learn from you.  I want to learn what you know."  She stood up and
> turned towards him.  "I'll help you find the person who shot you!  I can
> pull my own weight, I'll prove it to you."

And Akane is only minorly changed. Sigh.

Actually, considering the massive difference in maturity levels, I can't
see how any relationship between them would work. I'm curious to find
out what happens.

People grow, and Akane won't be any different.  What we got is one person not experienced in love, and another person REALLY experienced in love, but has fears of it due to his immortality.  Such fun.

Thanks for the comments and suggestions!

-Anand



Anand Rao
jouve25@hotmail.com
http://www.gsm.uci.edu/~arao02/
ICQ# 10869014

"He's a sex object.  He asks for sex and women object."

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