Has anyone noticed the date on this? Is it really a fanfic from
the past, or is this a Y2K problem?
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For the fic itself, it needs technical clean-up. I also thought
it is a little too action-packed. I don't mean that you should take out
anything though, but rather that it needs to be added to with background
material to support the action. I find the objective format interesting.
One minor problem I had with it however was the arm-breaking
sequence.. if Akane's mallet has been sent careening off into the bushes
before Miko comments to Ranma, and only then does Akane grab after her
mallet, why hasn't the mallet already traveled far beyond reach? And why
close her eyes, when she's trying to make an attack? Ranma's hard enough
to hit with her eyes open afterall.
Perhaps:
"RANMAAAAAA!!!!" Akane suddenly glowed blue and was hefting a giant mallet.
She lunged forward and took a swing at Ranma only to have it blocked. Akane
blinked her eyes, stunned to see Miko holding the mallet immobile with just
two fingers.
"Is she disturbing you Ranma?" Miko asked innocently. Everyone watching
stared at her with big sweat drops on their heads. Then with a sudden
flick of her hand she sent the mallet careening off toward the bushes.
Frustrated and confused, Akane grabbed after her mallet but only managed to
slap it as it flew out of reach. Her eyes widened in horror as Akane
realized her bungled grab had changed the mallet's course, sending it
straight into the group of students watching them.
Everything seemed to slow down as it flew, until a sickening CRACK! filled
the silence of the moment, startling birds into flight. As the scream was
heard, Akane slumped quietly to the ground.
This would be a way to correct the sequence, and also shows what
I meant about added description and background. Think of the way animation
is generally done. You have one cell with the moving parts of characters or
objects that are in action at a given point. Then underlaying this you have
another cel that contains the characters or objects themselves - they frame
the action and give it depth and meaning. A cat's tail flicking by itself
doesn't tell you anything.. but when you can see its neko-Shampoo flicking
her tail, you can guess that perhaps she's getting mad. Then underlaying
the above, you'd have a background, to put it all in context. Such as
neko-Shampoo being on the Tendou-wall peering into Akane's room.. one can
guess from her tail-flicking she doesn't like whatever it is she's watching.
Anyway, I just mean to say you need to add a little more description
to the action to help us know exactly what is going on. And need to add
descriptions to set the scene - Where are the characters? Who is there?
What are they doing before the action starts? And how do the various people
in the scene react to what occurs? You stated that this was after-school, for
instance, but didn't say where. I would have guessed the conflict took place
in the hallway outside of the classroom, until I saw the mallet being sent
into the bushes. Then my guess would be it was outside the school somewhere.
But where then? Right at the school entrance? Down the road partway to the
Tendou Dojo? It could as easily be in downtown Nerima just outside the local
ice cream shoppe.
I hope I'm not coming off over-critical here. You have the essential
bones of the beginning of a story. You just need to flesh it out. And then
post it so I can read more :) I wanna know who this Miko is and what god
she's going to call down physically from the heavens *grin* j/k Well, I want
to know who she is, and where things will go from here.
Ja, ne?
-Rain