Hi,
My comments##
{I sent this earlier but it
doesn't seem to have made it
to the list. :( }
Date: Thu, 13 Jan 1983 18:41:37 +0800
To: ffml@fanfic.com
From: Laurence Roxas
<rlsroxas@compass.com.ph> | Block address
Subject: [FFML] [Fanfic][Ranma] Action and
Reaction Part 1
Action and Reaction
a ranma 1/2 fan-fic by Laurence Roxas.
Disclaimer: the characters in this fic are not owned
by me as you all
know
And Miko is copyright to me and only me! (insert loud
creepy laugh)
##That's not a disclaimer.
Now, THIS is a disclaimer:
The characters of the Ranma � universe are the
creation and possession of the brilliant
Rumiko
Takahashi. They belong to Rumiko Takahashi and
her
licensees (Shogakukan Inc., Kitty-Fuji TV,
Viz
Communications Inc.) No copyright infringement
is
intended.
^_^
IMO: give credit to the original author
Warning: i'm only a kid so be gentle if you send back
c&c or
flames.also
the characters may be a little OOC.
##Errrrr, asking the FFML to "be gentle" is like
chumming for sharks and then asking them not to
eat you when you go swimming.
NEVER explain the story. In this case let the
_readers_
decide if the characters are OOC.
----------
----------
--Part 1--
----------
----------
Akane was sitting on her desk waiting for the teacher
to arrive. The
word
was there
will be a new student and Nabiki was making money left
and right on
bets
regarding
every aspect of the new student.
##Watch the formatting. I suggest you have lines about
70 characters long.
(This gives you some margin for safety) I post my
stories to _myself_ first, just to check the
formatting. You'll get more C&C if it's easier for
people to read.
I'd give this a C+ for an opening line. You need to
watch your change in tense.
( . . .there will be a new; Nabiki was making)
It's not a _bad_ beginning, but it's a little slow.
IMO the first line needs to GRAB the reader. It's the
next most important thing after the _Title_ in getting
and keeping readers. BTW you had, IMO, a GREAT title.
(You notice I'm reading this story ^_~)
Akane sat up straighter as the teacher entered the
room with a girl.
"class" the teacher began " this is our new student
recently
transferred
from...
well that's not important. Miss please introduce
yourelf."
##<eeeeeep> A teacher would NEVER make an introduction
like this. IMO it's always best to keep to cultural
norms. In this case there are books and sites on the
_Net_ that will help writers with Japanese culture. A
teacher would give the students name, old school
or prefecture (or both)and a little info about her.
Example:
"Class, this is Ukagi Miko, a new transfer student
from Juban High School."
OR
"Class, I would like you to all give a big welcome to
Ukagi Miko, a new student. Her father works for Honda
Motorcycles and she's spent the last two years going
to school in America."
This isn't the ONLY way to do this. However EVERY word
in the story should be useful. You're missing a good
chance to develop the story AND your new character.
The girl stepped into the light and there was general
intake of breath
from
the male
portion of the class and even some of the girls. The
girl was a petite
pretty girl with
an incredibly long blue(!) hair.
##OK, this is a little better. You're giving us a bit
about the girls physical appearance. IMO don't use
{blue(!)}. If you are actually going to give
her blue hair, just say "blue". And, from the
"general intake of breath" I'd say she's probably
_more_ than just "pretty". ^_^
"My name's Miko Ukagi and i am from most recently
Tokyo." the girl said
##Errrr, Nerima is a suburb of Tokyo. This doesn't
really tell the reader a lot. Again, use _every_
opportunity to advance the story.
"Thank you Ms. Ukagi and now if you will take an empty
seat let us
begin
with our lesson."
the teacher turned to the black board and started the
lesson.
*********
The day was with out incident until dissmisal when
Miko slipped but was
caught by Ranma.
Unfortunately this was exactly when Akane walked up to
Ranma.
##Give more detail. Build up a word picture to _show_
the reader what is happening.
Example:
Every blizzard starts with a single
snow flake. An avalanche often begins with
a falling pebble no bigger than a grain of rice.
Hurrying out the door Miko's foot
hit a dropped pencil.
It wasn't Ranma's pencil, just like it
wasn't Ranma's fault Miko slipped. And you couldn't
really _blame_ Ranma for grabbing her as she went
down. It wasn't as if he _meant_ to grab her . .
.there.
"R A N M A!!!"
There are a _lot_ of ways to play with a scene like
this.
However DETAILS are what make it funny. I like to
suggest things in a slapstick sort of way. However
there are many possibilities.
Miko could be wearing "Lucky Kitty" panties and send
Ranma into the Nekoken.
Miko could fall and knock Ranma into Kuno, starting
another feud.
Miko could start to fall and save herself by grabbing
Ranma with her prehensile tail. ^_^ (Assuming of
course
you give her a prehensile tail in the story. ^_~)
DETAIL. Paint a word picture. Make the reader SEE the
scene.
Make the scene funny and interesting. OR Dramatic and
sad. (After all she could fall and kill herself. )
"Um...Akane it isn't what it looks like..." Ranma said
with hands held
in
front of him and
rapidly backing away.
##It never is.
"RANMAAAAAA!!!!" Akane suddenly glowed blue and was
hefting a giant
mallet.
##Blue glow is OK (IMO, this is justified from Anime
at the very least.) And I'm not picky about
little things. BUT, the "giant mallet" is overused.
Again, try something new or at least different. She
could hit him with a desk, chalk board, Kuno, a frozen
mackerel (Where did she get the frozen mackerel? Same
place she gets the mallets. ^)^ )
She closed her eyes took a swing at Ranma only to have
it blocked.
Akane
opened her eyes to
see Miko holding the mallet steady with her two
fingers, and with a
sudden
flick of her hand
made the mallet careening off to the bushes.
##Ummm, I don't think Akane would close her eyes.
If you're going to have a super-powered martial artist
show up IMO you need just a bit more preparation.
Build up the character a little more so this is not so
much of a shock. (I must admit I really do not like
just dropping a martial artist into the story without
a little more justification. For instance when Miko
was introduced to the class:
"Class, this is Miko, she has spent the last twelve
years living at a Shaolin Monastery in China"
OR
"This is Miko. Her hobbies are power lifting and
gymnastics"
"Is she disturbing you Ranma?" Miko asked innocently
as everyone stared
at
her with big
sweat drops on their heads.
##Ummm, again I personally dislike "sweat drop" and
"face fault".
IMO fanfiction is prose and descriptive shortcuts
cheat the reader. However this seems to be an accepted
convention and some people like it. :(
IMO, they should ONLY be used as
1)Author notes while writing an outline and re-written
for the finished story.
2)Spamfics and parodies.
Frustrated and confused Akane lashed out and
accidentaly hit her mallet
sending it straight into
one of the students watching them. Akane heard the
sickening sound of
CRACK! as the mallet hit an
arm then everything was black.
##???This is, IMO, cliched, confusing and not very
well developed.
Akane has a short temper, especially in the Anime.
However she is a skilled martial artist and NOT likely
to have an "accident" as described. IMO this
is a rather simplistic rendition of several fanfic
cliches and NOT representative of the original manga.
If she were "frustrated" she _might_ pound Ranma.
(Unlikely but possible. Generally she pounds on Ranma
for teasing her OR for being in bed with a naked
Amazon. ^_~). And why confused?
Recall that in the Anime "Akane and her Sisters" after
being _soundly_ beaten (Ranma got pounded as well)
Akane's reaction was to _TRAIN_ in order to get
better. Generally speaking, in Anime and Manga, Akane
is the first person to offer aid and comfort. (usually
to Ranma but to other characters as well.)
And "everything was black" I _assume_ indicated that
Akane has fainted??? A confusing sentence. And why
would she black out? She's been cursed as a doll,
fought an eight headed dragon, been drowned in a bland
cursed pool, fought a phoenix, been dehydrated by a
demi-god,-etc, etc, etc and still kept going.
The simple statement "the characters may be a little
OOC" is, IMO, insufficient.
Akane is not just OOC, she's a different character
entirely. (or at best a fanfic cliche)
*********
<snip>
Nabiki suddenly walked into the room and smiled "Your
in the Hospital
sis
and as to why He's
here, well his stayed in this room for the last" She
looked at her
watch
"10 hours".
##Ummm, ten hours in the hospital???
Why? This need explanation.
Suddenly the room was filled with people: Kasumi
asking if she was
alright,
Nodoka bringing her
a drink, Genma checking on her condition,
Shampoo,Cologne and Mousse
with
ramen,
Ukyou Okinimiyaki(sorry about the spelling:).
##Check the spelling before posting. Do not add a
note.
Breaks the flow of the story. (I say this having NO
ability to spell myself. That's why I married an
English Teacher. ^_^)
Try http://www.anipike.com
Look for the Ranma pages for info on characters and
spelling of Japanese words.
<SNIP>
As Ranma left he saw Nabiki and Kasumi talking, before
the voices faded
away he heard "... i hope its not happening again..."
## Now THIS is a great end line. ( I love cliff
hangers) in fact THIS line and the
title are what started me reading this story.
---------------
---------------
--End for Now--
---------------
---------------
Notes: C&C are desperatley needed, Part 2 coming if
anyone wants to
read my
horibble writing.
##Overall grade of C. Formatting, dialogue,
descriptive
passages are bland. Overuse of fanfic cliches.
HOWEVER there are some flashes of REALLY nice things.
There are just enough flashes of intriguing things to
make me want to encourage you to finish this. After a
re-write of course. ^_^
You've introduced a new character who seems to have
some sort of connection to Ranma AND we suspect that
there is some dark secret in Akane's past.
This is GOOD. The reader need much more detail. More
build up, more description of characters and events.
Concerning Akane and her mallet. This scene needs a
LOT of work.
Try something along these lines:
"RAAAANMAAAA!" Crackling with energy Akane looked at
her fiancee's hands, resting comfortably on Miko's
breasts.
"Eeeeeep!" Ranma snatched his hands away, which
allowed Miko to fall forward onto his chest. Not much
of an improvement.
##This, or something like it, gives the reader a much
better idea of what Akane is seeing and WHY it looks
compromising.
A red haze filled Akane's vision. Ranma was _not_ Mr.
Whipple and that wasn't Charmin he was squeezing.
##It's NOT culturally correct. But it's imagery that
the readers will probably appreciate. There are, of
course, many ways to handle this.
The space heater separated from the wall with a sound
of tearing iron and splintering stone.
##Gives the reader an idea of Akane's anger AND avoids
the "mallet". ^_^
Akane brought the iron coils of the heater slashing
around toward Ranma's head in a gentle reminder about
keeping his hands to himself. Almost faster than the
eye could follow Miko's right hand
flashed forward in a spear point strike to Akane's
wrist while her left smashed the heater aside with a
perfect hammer-hand block.
Akane's arm went numb to the elbow and she stood
looking blankly at her empty hands for a stunned
moment. Then, as if a switch had been thrown, an
expression of almost insane rage passed over her
face. A primal shriek erupted from her throat and her
hand struck at Miko's temple with a Raking Tiger's
Claw . . .a killing blow.
Ranma was already in motion to block, before his
conscious mind realized what he was seeing. His legs
came around in a scissors sweep while his left hand
grabbed Akane's right hand just behind the wrist. A
simple joint lock and take down. Quick, painless,
soft. There was no reason for Akane to jerk as if
she'd been electrocuted or scream like a damned soul.
No reason at all.
##This is ONLY an example for illustrative purposes.
At his point several things have been established.
1)Miko is a skilled martial artist. And the reader
discovers this through ACTION. It's always better to
SHOW the reader.
2)Akane is ANGRY. Again show, ripping a heavy iron
heater from the wall.
3)Something strange is going on, Akane goes from being
angry to insane.
4)something REALLY strange is going on, Akane is in
real pain for some unknown reason.
Build to a dramatic climax. SHOW the reader what is
going on.
(BTW, I don't know if there ARE iron space heaters in
the school. BUT it shouldn't be hard to find something
similar that DOES exist or could exist. )
I hope this has been helpful Good luck and please keep
writing.
^_^
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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