C&C Below. No snippage.
Action and Reaction
a ranma 1/2 fan-fic by Laurence Roxas.
cap: Ranma
sp: fanfic
Disclaimer: the characters in this fic are not owned by me as you all
know And Miko is copyright to me and only me! (insert loud creepy
laugh)
If you can't be bothered to credit Takahashi as the creator of
Ranma, I don't see how you can expect anyone to credit you as
the creator of Miko, if they decide to use her...
Warning: i'm only a kid so be gentle if you send back c&c or
flames.also the characters may be a little OOC.
Sorry, kid, but I don't believe in being gentle with C&C.
Of course, this is my opinion only, so don't too much offense.
Maybe I'm just an idiot. ;)
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--Part 1--
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Akane was sitting on her desk waiting for the teacher to arrive. The
word was there
will be a new student and Nabiki was making money left and right on
bets regarding
every aspect of the new student.
gram: sitting at her desk
(You said she was on top of the desk, not in her chair.)
gram: word was, there would
or: word was that there would
punc: student, and
The second sentence is kind of long. You might consider breaking
it up into a couple sentences.
Try to write lines that are no more than 72-79 characters wide,
otherwise they wrap in weird ways in other mail programs.
Akane sat up straighter as the teacher entered the room with a girl.
"class" the teacher began " this is our new student recently
transferred from...
well that's not important. Miss please introduce yourelf."
cap/punc: "Class,"
(Even in a quote, start new sentences with a capital letter. Also,
end quotes with some type of punctuation. Use a period if they
end the sentence, or a comma if the sentence continues past the
quote.)
punc: began. "This
cap/punc: "Well, that's
punc: Miss, please
(When addressing a person, set their name off with commas.)
sp: yourself
The girl stepped into the light and there was general intake of breath
from the male
portion of the class and even some of the girls. The girl was a petite
pretty girl with
an incredibly long blue(!) hair.
punc: light, and
(When a conjuntion like "and" "but" joins two sentences,
put a comma in front of it.)
suggest: (and even some of the girls)
punc: petite, pretty girl
gram: with incredibly long
(Drop the "an" unless you mean she has a *single* stand of blue hair.)
Is there supposed to be something unusual about having blue hair?
In many fanfics, Akane has blue hair -- that's the color it is in
the anime.
Did you mean to say that she has really *bright* blue hair that's
obviously dyed? If so, you need to describe it better. ("Blue
as the sky")
Also, how long is "incredibly long"? To the shoulder blades?
Small of the back? Butt? Knees? Floor? Trailing three feet
behind her?
In general, it's always better to give a good description, and
let the reader draw their own conclusions about how long her hair
is, or how beautiful she is.
"My name's Miko Ukagi and i am from most recently Tokyo." the girl said
punc: Ukagi, and
cap: I am
suggest: I'm
(She already used the contraction "name's" instead of "name is".
Wouldn't she do the same, here?)
gram: and I am most recently from
punc: Tokyo," the
(In this case, the sentence continues past the quote, so you should
use a comma, not a period.)
Ranma 1/2 takes place in Tokyo (Nerima ward), so this statement
by Miko sounds a little odd.
"Thank you Ms. Ukagi and now if you will take an empty seat let us
begin with our lesson."
the teacher turned to the black board and started the lesson.
punc: you, Ms. Ukagi
(The teacher is addressing Miko, so set her name of with a comma.)
punc: Ukagi. And now,
(You're starting a new sentence.)
punc: empty seat, let us
cap: The teacher
(You already ended the last sentence with a period, so you need to
start the new sentence with a capital letter.)
*********
The day was with out incident until dissmisal when Miko slipped but was
caught by Ranma.
Unfortunately this was exactly when Akane walked up to Ranma.
sp: dismissal
suggest: until the end of the day
punc: dismissal, when ... slipped, but
punc: Unfortunately, this
Unless Ranma somehow caught Miko by the butt or breasts, or after
she's been caught, she hugs and/or clings to Ranma, Akane would
not act this way. Merely catching someone is not a compromising
position that Akane could take the wrong way.
You mentioned at the top that the characters might be a little
out of character. This is a lot out of character. Always try
to avoid "OOC" behavior. You can have them act differently than
they normally do, just give an explanation for it.
Becuase, if you don't, the reader will wonder who thi person is
that you've called "Akane."
"Um...Akane it isn't what it looks like..." Ranma said with hands held
in front of him and
rapidly backing away.
punc: Akane, it
(Set her name off with commas.)
suggest: Ranma held his hands in front of him and rapidly backed away.
"Um, Akane, this isn't what it looks like..."
(Try reading the two sentences along and tell me which sounds better.)
"RANMAAAAAA!!!!" Akane suddenly glowed blue and was hefting a giant
mallet.
gram: and hefted
She closed her eyes took a swing at Ranma only to have it blocked.
Akane opened her eyes to
see Miko holding the mallet steady with her two fingers, and with a
sudden flick of her hand
made the mallet careening off to the bushes.
punc: at Ranma, only
punc: of her hand, made
gram: careen off into
You don't block mallets. They are only used as comic relief, and
as such, don't obey the laws of physics. That's why all the
characters can pull them out of nowhere, and that's why Ranma is
beaned on the head even when he's supposedly good enough to block.
Because blocking a mallet just isn't funny.
If you want to hit someone for a reason other than comic relief,
Akane has better weapons. Her hands and feet, or failing that,
her shinai (bamboo practice sword).
Miko is quickly descending into Annoying New Character land.
First you had the schoolmates ogling her. Then you have her
do this little maneuver, exhibiting an ability no one else in
the show has.
When such a character comes out of nowhere, as your has, and
starts stealing the stage, readers get annoyed. They want to
read about the characters they know and love interacting with
others, not about the writer showcasing a character they invented
and love, and having them interact with the Ranma cast.
A more contrete question I have is, how did Miko block the mallet
with two fingers and flick it away? The head is much too big to
be caught between the fingers (like arrows and swords sometimes
are), so I can't imagine how she did it.
You need to visually describe what happens.
"Is she disturbing you Ranma?" Miko asked innocently as everyone stared
at her with big
sweat drops on their heads.
punc: you, Ranma?
(Set his name off with commas.)
Frustrated and confused Akane lashed out and accidentaly hit her mallet
sending it straight into
one of the students watching them. Akane heard the sickening sound of
CRACK! as the mallet hit an
arm then everything was black.
punc: confused, Akane
This paragraph is totally confusing. What is Akane lashing out at,
and why? What is she lashing out with? How can she hit her mallet,
now that it's in the bushes? Why did everything go black? It
sounds like the mallet hit her, but I don't think that's what you
meant.
You need to clarify all these things.
*********
Akane woke up to the sound of voices: Ranma's and her father's.
"So how was the girl with a broken arm?" asked Soun
punc: So, how
"Alright, if you could call having a fractured arm alright." answered
Ranma
punc: arm alright,"
(The sentence continues past the end of the quote, so use a comma,
not a period.)
"Where am I?" Akane sat up and looked around her.
Almost instantly Ranma was by her side and he was holding her so
tightly like she was going to be
snatched away in an instant yet so gentle like her bones were made of
glass.
punc: instantly, Ranma
punc: side, and
gram: holding her tightly
punc: tightly, like
punc: instant, yet
gram/punc: gently, like
Try reading the above sentence aloud. Does it sound awkward to you?
It needs to be broken up into smaller sentences or commas need to
be put in.
suggest: Almost instantly, Ranma was by her side. He held her
tightly, like she was was going to be snatched away in an
instant, yet gently, like her bones were made of glass.
"Are you alright ? need anything-" Ranma was cut off as Akane held a
finger on his lips.
space: alright?
cap: Need anything
suggest: Do you need anything?
Again, you need to describe things. If Ranma is holding Akane so
tightly, I assume he's basically hugging her. And yet Akane puts
her finger on his lips, so his head has to be at least a few
inches away.
Did he release the hug when he started talking, or is he holding
her in some weird way?
Akane involuntarily leaned backon Ranma "I'm fine,really. Where am I?"
She looked up to Ranma
"And what are you doing here?"
space: back on
punc: Ranma. "I'm
space: fine, really.
Why doesn't Akane know where she is? Perhaps you should describe
the room, and have Akane think about how it doesn't look like
school, or home, or Dr. Tofu's.
Nabiki suddenly walked into the room and smiled "Your in the Hospital
sis and as to why He's
here, well his stayed in this room for the last" She looked at her
watch "10 hours".
punc: smiled.
sp: "You're in the
("Your" means "belonging to you". "You're" is short for "you are".)
cap: hospital
(There's no reason to capitalize this.)
punc/cap: hospital, Sis, and
(Here "Sis" is being used as a proper name, so it does need to be
capitalized. It also shows how, when you're addressing someone
and their name appears in the middle of a sentence, the commas
appear on both sides of their name.)
cap: he's here
("He" shouldn't be capitalized.)
punc: for the last," she looked at her watch, "ten hours."
(You need to end the quote with some punctuation -- in this
case a comma, since the sentence continues. You also need
punctuation before introducing the quote. Finally, when you
end the quote, the period goes on this inside of the quotes,
not the outside.)
Why does Nabiki "suddenly" walk in? I think "Then Nabiki walked
into the room" would work as well.
Suddenly the room was filled with people: Kasumi asking if she was
alright, Nodoka bringing her
a drink, Genma checking on her condition, Shampoo,Cologne and Mousse
with ramen,
Ukyou Okinimiyaki(sorry about the spelling:).
punc: Suddenly, the
You're overusing "suddenly". The way you've described it, it
sounds like everyone spontaneously appeared in a puff of smoke.
I assume you meant that Akane suddenly *realised* they were there.
space: Shampoo, Cologne
gram: and Ukyou with okonomiyaki.
(I spell that wrong all the time, too.)
I have to wonder why the Shampoo, Cologne, Mousse, and Ukyo are
there. Unless it's life-threatening, I wouldn't expect them
to show up. Especially Cologne or Mousse, who really have more
to do with Ranma than Akane.
"Quiet everybody! Let Akane have her rest, she needs it." Ranma
announced
punc: Quiet, everybody!
(You're addressing "everybody".)
punc: rest. She
(This is a new sentence.)
punc: needs it," Ranma announced.
(However, this was not.)
Nabiki smirked "Your one to talk Ranma, with you holding Akane like
there's no tommorow."
punc: smirked.
(A quote has to follow a comma, or start a new sentnce.)
sp: You're
punc: talk, Ranma.
sp: tomorrow
Ranma grinned sheepishly and stood up and ushered everybody out. Before
he closed the door he
turned back to Akane and said "Sleep Akane, you need it."
suggest: sheepishly, stood up, and ushered
punc: the door, he
punc: said, "Sleep, Akane. You
As Ranma left he saw Nabiki and Kasumi talking, before the voices faded
away he heard "... i hope its not happening again..." ---------------
punc: left, he
punc: talking. Before
punc: away, he
cap: I hope
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--End for Now--
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Notes: C&C are desperatley needed, Part 2 coming if anyone wants to
read my horibble writing.
Well, your writing will only get better with practice. One of the
best ways to improve is to do what you've done -- write, and then
give it to your peers to review. Then learn from any mistakes or
suggestions that you find useful.
You could also show it to your friends, and maybe your parents
could help with the technical issues like punctuation.
Specifically, you need to be comfortable with when you use commas,
and how you use capitalization and punctuation with quotes. It's
a pretty common problem that novice writers have, not just kids. :j
You should take the time to describe scenes more fully. Don't
just say that something happens; describe the scene as it unfolds.
I pointed out a few parts where I became confused because I
couldn't visualize what you meant. As you add more descriptions,
not only will that not become a problem, but the writing will
become richer, and more entertaining to read.
Finally, I would urge you to try to stay away from introducing a
new character unless you absolutely have to. It's next to
impossible to write A New Character fic without it becoming an
Annoying New Character fic. Even experienced writers have this
problem.
So unless Miko plays some integral part in the story, I'd just
get rid of her. The scene where she appeared could have played
out just as well if Shampoo had grabbed Ranma, instead of Ranma
catching Miko.
If Akane needs some sort of cure, and Miko will end up providing
it, be very careful. That would be yet another example of
knoledge/power Miko has that normal characters don't, and would
give people even more reason to dislike her.
Having said all this, don't let anything I say daunt you. Only
use those suggestions that you find useful, and ignore the rest.
It takes a great deal of bravery for anyone to post a story
they've written up in large group like this for public scrutiny.
Don't be stopped by the occasional discouraging comment. Try
to improve yourself, but stick to your ideas and ideals, and
keep writing.
Doug
----
Douglas MacDougall "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net/ Cuter, too. Definitely more sexy!"