Subject: [FFML] [C&C][Ranma][Lime] Psychological Evaluation of Patient Ranma Saotome
From: Douglas MacDougall
Date: 1/9/2000, 12:54 PM
To: "XStylus" <xstylus@hotmail.com>
CC: Fanfic Mailing List <ffml@fanfic.com>

C&C Below.  Snippage throughout.

Psychological Evaluation of Patient Ranma Saotome.
Authored by Troy Alan Williams (AKA XStylus)

Well, it's a rather techie-sounding title, but it still
got my attention.  :)

[...]

Notes to RAAC/TASS: This, for now, may be categorized as a
one-shot LIME story. The LIME category is merited due to
discussion about homosexuality in this fic.

I'm not sure this would count as lime.  There really aren't
any sexual situations.  Discussions of sex, yes, but that's
more a "for mature audiences" thing.

[...]

    "Yeah... that's pretty much what most of the other lab
rats said when -they- were poking and prodding me..." Ranma
grumbled. "...in places I'd rather not discuss." he added under his
breath. "At least that part of it is over. Damn scientists..."

You make references to these scientists and experiments
throughout the fic.  Unfortunately, it's apparently important
background material that has something to do with Ranma's
somewhat abnormal behavior.

Specifically, Ranma doesn't like to be forced into anything,
so I wonder just how the hell they forced Ranma to examined,
and submit to a shrink.

You might either want to either provide more background, or
pick some other way to introduce the fic?  Perhaps he has
experienced a deeply troubling event that makes him *want* to
seek out help?  That would provide more emotional draw, and
help explain why he's seeing a shrink, and talking about things
he would normally never talk about.

Of course, that would remove all referencesto the scientists,
which I doubt you want to do.

[...]

    "You'll have to excuse their professional curiosity, Mr.
Saotome. Your... ...condition defies several laws of physics and
medical science."

    "That's no reason to treat me like a guinea pig."

Um, yes.  I have to wonder why any scientists would let him go
until they did know how how he changed.

[...]

    "Normally these sessions are confidential. However, due
to special circumstances and also since you are the first
documented case of your... condition, much of what transpires in
this session will be used for scientific study. Your name will be
kept anonymous when possible. Is this agreeable?"

    "No, but it's not like I have much of a choice, so... yeah."
Ranma answered.

This violates a lot of laws on basic human rights, not to mention
scientific and medical ethics.  If Ranma says "no", then no it is.
Unless they're some sort of conspiratorial secret scientific
organization above the law, but there's no evidence of that.

This is a big reason why I'm having problems accepting the
premise.  How on Earth did Ranma get into this situation?

[...]

    "That's like calling a nuclear explosion a small
firecracker." Ranma quipped. "I was horrified."

Would Ranma really describe himself as horrified?  I think that
would only happen after he's already been through some
psychoanalisis to get him more in touch with his fem^H^H^H
sensitive side.

[...]

    The Psychiatrist smiled in a canned, professional manner.
"We're here to talk about you, Mr. Saotome. There's time for
questions afterwards. Please continue."

cap:  The psychiatrist

[...]

    "Damn right it did! All these years my pop had trained me
to be a paragon of manliness as part of some stupid agreement he
made with my mom a long time ago. He constantly used girls as
an example of weakness and what-not. Now here I was, a weak
sissy girl."

suggest:  paragon of manliness, apparently because of some
(Since Ranma did even know he had a mother, I doubt Genma
could have given him the reason why he was trying to make him
"manly".)

[...]

    Ranma took a small sip of the water. "Why? That's what
I wanted it for." Ranma poured the cup on himself, changing him
into a female.

suggest:  He poured
(Remove the duplicate "Ranma".)

[...]

    "If we're trying to find out more about how I deal with
my girl form, it would only make sense if I were in it, right?"
Ranma answered.

suggest:  if I was in it
(I don't think Ranma has a grasp of the subjunctive mood...)

[...]

    "So... uhh... shall I call you Mr. Saotome or Ms.
Saotome?" Mr. Kuriaguwa asked with professional humor.

"Or Mrs. Soatome?"

Ranma froze in shock.  "How did you find out?"

;)

[...]

    Ranma gave a wry grin. "I figured you were gonna ask
that. Yeah, I gotta be honest, there are times. I can usually scam
some free food or somethin'... Maybe pull a joke or two here or
there, that's about it. Not nearly worth the trouble."

"I see.  And what about women's changing rooms?"

"Eh?"  Ranma glanced over at the doctor.

"I mean, surely you can't pass up to opportunity to look at
the pretty girlies in all their natural glory...?"  The doctor
started to drool.

"What are you, some kinda pervert?!"

"Ranma, m'boy, you dissapoint this old man."

Something about the way he said it sparked recognition in Ranma.
"H- Happosai?!?"

"So you've found me out."  The doctor pulled off a mask and
revealed the withered head of the aged martial arts master
underneath.  Ranma couldn't begin to guess how his body fit
inside the otherwise normal body of the "doctor".

Ranma stood up in outrage.  "You old freak!  What're you tryin'
to do, head-shrink me into acting like a girl?"

"That's no *all* I'm trying to do.  I was also Dr. Miyamoto."
Happosai winked at his student.

"Y- You mean the one who touched my--?"  Ranma stepped back
into the couch.  Her knees weak, and becoming confused, she
crumpled back into the couch.

"The very same.  Now why don't you relax, while the drugs in
the water you drank start to kick in."  Ranma's eyes widened
in fear and she bigweated.

[...]

    "Well if I could control it then this wouldn't be a curse
anymore, now would it? It'd be a costume, one I could keep
tucked away until needed. Something in my little bag of tricks."

suggest:  It'd be a disguise, one
(Try not to overuse "costume".  Plus, the word seems to already
be overloaded with bad connotations, from Ranma's point of view.)

[...]

    "Have you ever considered that the average woman
tends to worry about that on a daily basis? The difference is that
they can't escape it with hot water. You'll have to admit that as a
guy you seem to have a first hand perspective on the matter."

    "I... I hadn't thought of that."

Ranma, not exactly the sensitive type, might think that women
might want to get that sort of attention from men, to know they're
pretty.  After all, that tomboy Akane probably wishes SHE could
get as many looks as Ran- [whack]

[...]

    "Hoo boy... I, uhm... geez... Well, these two
'basketballs' attached to my chest aren't exactly the most
comfortable things, especially when I'm fighting... and I am NOT
going to wear a bra by any means."

This despite the fact that Ranma has worn bras on many occasions?
As per the Hiryu Shoten Ha storyline, he was only really uptight
about wearing panties, not bras.

[...]

    "As you put it so bluntly..." Ranma grumbled. "And
another thing... I... uhm... hate having to wait in lines at the girls
bathrooms, and I mean ya' gotta sit down just to PEE, and the
mechanics for that -alone- is completely different... But ya'
wanna know something...? I have NO IDEA how in the hell
women can have such bad aim so close to the pot. Some of those
bathrooms are SICK!"

>From way back in the days when I worked in a grocery store and
had to clean the bathrooms, I gotta say you're bonkers.  The
ladies room was always clean.  The men's room was always... well,
what you might expect from men.  :j

[...]

    "Ranma, how close are you to... uhm, that day you try to
avoid?"

    Ranma again bit her lip and withheld her response for a
moment.

    "Sometimes it's early..." Ranma meekly responded.

Cute.  :)

I've seen "Ranma's periods" addressed in fic before, but maybe
a psychological examination should also include some questions
about whether Ranma gets (ahem) irritable.

[...]

    "No... never." Ranma answered. "I've been in moods,
but it never got beyond that."

Again, I have to wonder if Ranma would ever say he suffers
"moods".

[...]

    "Everyone has a button that can be pushed, Ranma. No-
one is bulletproof." Mr. Kuriaguwa wrote several more
observations onto his paper. "How do you feel?"

punc:  No one
(It's not one word, and it's not hyphenated.)

[...]

    "A tomboy, you say? So she acts like a guy?"

    "Well... uhm, not totally. She doesn't go for any of the
usual girl things and stuff..."

Um, actually, she *does* go for the "usual girl things".  The
only reason she seems to be called a tomboy is becuase she
practicies martial arts (likes to fight?) and stands up for
herself, instead of acting "meek".

[...]

    "Shut up! Shut up I say!" Ranma shouted.

suggest:  Shut up, already!

[...]

    "To summarize, you're attracted to girls and nothing will
change that. However, while you're a girl there may be times
when you find yourself aroused in the presence of a male or even
while thinking of one. This is your body at work, not your mind.
And, of course, there's much to be said for mind over body."

Of course, there's even more to be said for body of mind...

[...]

    "And you were up because you were afraid that you'd
start liking guys, am I right?"

    Ranma vigorously nodded.

    "Then take comfort in knowing that it won't happen
unless you choose to. As I said, mind over body."

THIS is supposed to be a comfort?  You won't start to like guys,
as long as you spend the rest of your life fighting off any urges
from the female horomones coursing through your brain.

It's not like you'll grow tired of keeping up your mental
defenses, always being alert of slipping into a female thought
or mannerism.  Don't worry about the possibility that, as the
years pass, you might begin to think it's not worth the trouble...

[...]

Well, ladies and gentlemen, this definitely is not my first fanfic, but
it is the very FIRST one that I have completed from start to finish,
and in remarkable time as well. Maybe it's because it's smaller
than my usual novel sized ones... oh well. In either case, send me
feedback. I'd be nice to know if people actually -read- my
work... :)

The shorter the fic, the more likely you'll get feedback, that's
for sure.  It takes effort to C&C, and commenting on a really big
fic takes more effort than most people would want to deal with.

I wrote this fic to tie in with another fic which I plan on doing
later. In that fic, a few scientists catch wind of Ranma's curse
and... well, you can pretty much guess the rest.  [...]

Actually, I can't guess the rest.  I can't conceive of why Ranma
would submit to any experimentation, and yet you want us to already
take as a given that he *has* submitted.

I've yet to see any fics that try to psychoanalyze Ranma as to
how his curse in general has affected him, and that surprises me.

Lots of fics psychoanalyze Ranma, they just don't do so in the
framework of a pyschologist or a psychiatrist talking to a
patient.

That's probably becuase (a) it's out of character for Ranma to
admit that he has problems or discuss his feelings with others,
and (b) a straight head-shrinking conversation like this one
doesn't have too much emotional appeal.

In other words, it's a little dry.  It's not enough to say a thing
is true in a fic, it's better to *show* how it's true.  You could
benefit a lot more from Ranma describing actual experiences that
made him feel how he does now.  Or that explain where he gets his
worries.

All in all, I like the premise of Ranma talking it out with a
shrink, but I think the story needs a little more emotional
oomph, and a lot more explanations of what the deal is with the
doctors and scientists.

Later,


Doug

----
Douglas MacDougall                  "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net/             Cuter, too.  Definitely more sexy!"




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