Subject: [FFML]
From: "W*ING Higley" <skywarp@cephiro.com>
Date: 12/31/1999, 10:32 PM
To: ffml@fanfic.com

�Now, let me get this straight.�  Ryoko stared drunkenly at the two over-dressed Arabic men who sat across from her in the bar.  �You guys are gonna pay me an Tenchi $10,000 to drive a limo from Chicago to Las Vegas?�

�Yes, that is correct.�  Mr. Slyman looked agitated, Habib noted.  Of course, his idiot brother always looked agitated.  He was just more agitated than usual thanks to his latest round of hair plug injections.

�Why?�

�Well, we overheard you complaining to the bartender about how neither of you had any money, and you wanted to go to Japan.  So we thought we offer you chance to make big money and go to Japan.  Is good, no?�

Ryoko had a hard time keeping her balance.  �Yeah, I suppose sho.  Where can we pick up the car.�

�You can pick it up tomorrow morning at the �Two Guys From Mecca� car wash on 15th Street.  You understand all, no?�

�Yeah, I *hic* I understand.  No problem.�

Habib pulled out a switchblade.  �If you don�t understand, well, I make you pay.  You got it?�


              W*ING Higley Presents:

               Ryoko and Masaki in:

             Things Are Tough All Over!


Tenchi sighed.  What a hell of a week it had been.  They had all been in Washu�s lab when Mihoshi had pressed the wrong button, causing Washu�s interdimensional-transponder to activate and zap Tenchi, Washu and Ryoko, sending them hurtling across time and space (again).  Wahu had landed on some backwater planet called Terra II, where no one had since been able to contact her.

Meanwhile, Tenchi and Ryoko had been zapped to Chicago in the United States.  Their Universal Translators worked, however, so speaking English hadn�t been a problem.  Money had, however, been a problem.  They only had 100,000 yen between the two of them, which was why Tenchi now found himself sneaking out of a cheap motel on the south side of town.   

�Ryoko, geez.  Aren�t we even going to pay for the room?�

�Tenchi, one thing you must learn is to never pay for something when you don�t have to.  That way, you get to have more fun in life.�

�I also get to have a shorter life.  Honestly Ryoko, it amazes me you haven�t been killed by some overzealous bill collector yet.�

�Who says they haven�t tried?�

*****

�I still don�t think this is a good idea,� Habib said as he watched Ryoko try to figure out how to drive a stick-shift.

�Will you stop complaining?�  Slyman shook his head in disgust.

�No, I will not stop complaining.  I don�t have to remind you what happened the last time we tried this.  Those two idiots, Chong and Cheech, or whatever they were called, cost us over five million dollars.  And this time we�re dealing with over ten million in marijuana.  I just do not like this.�

�You never like any of my ideas.�

*****

Omaha, Nebraska:

�That sign back there said Omaha, Ryoko.  Are you sure this is how you get to Las Vegas?�

�Not really, but then, I�ve never driven in America before.  Here, I put the maps in the pocket in back of the passenger seat.  Reach around and get it.�

Tenchi frowned as he reached behind.

�Something wrong Tenchi?�

�There�s a big rip in the covering.  That�s odd....�

�What?�

�The inside of this seat doesn�t feel like any seat cushioning I�ve ever felt.�

Ryoko pulled the car over to the side of the road.  The two got out and looked at the passenger seat.

�My God!  It�s full of marijuana!� 

�Yeah, Tenchi.  Must be at least 5 to 10 kilos here.�

�We�ve got to call the police.�

�Well, we could do that.� 

Tenchi eyed Ryoko nervously.  �What do you mean �could?�  Ryoko, hauling marijuana is highly illegal.  We could get into a lot of trouble for this.�

Ryoko adopted her most innocent look and slowly wrapped her arms around Tenchi�s neck.  

�Tenchi, darling.  Now you know I�m a space pirate, right?  And, as a space pirate, I did a lot of smuggling.  Now what, exactly, do you think I smuggled?�

�Uh...weapons,� he asked hopefully.

Ryoko shook her head in mock sadness.  �Oh Tenchi, you have so much to learn about me.�

*****

�I cannot believe this.�  Habib was actually more pissed off than usual.

�Will you calm down and concentrate on landing the plane,�  Slyman offered.

�NO, I will not calm down.  This is the second time one of you�re idiot plans has backfired and cost us millions.  Now I have to fly to Los Angeles to kill those two sons of bitches and get back the drugs.�  

*****

Tenchi had always, like most Japanese, been fascinated/obsessed with American culture.  And one of his biggest dreams had always been to visit Los Angeles.  He had always dreamed of visiting it�s gleaming skyscrapers, Hollywood, LAX Airport and it�s retro-60s architecture, and the rest of this great city.

Instead, here on his first visit, he found himself standing behind the �Lucky Mart� convenience store in South Central, helping Ryoko negotiate a multi-million dollar drug deal with an unsavory character by the name of Rakheem.  Tenchi could not understand what Ryoko and Rakheem were saying, because he had turned off his Translator in disgust when the two had started talking.  He noted that Ryoko was now indicating for him to turn the Translator back on.  

�Tenchi, great news!  Rakheem here has agreed to take the entire load for $50!

�Uh...is $50 a lot of money, Ryoko?�

�Oh sure,� she turned to Rakheem, �right?�

�Oh yeah, yeah.  That be a whole shit load o� money.  You two gots no problem gettin� back to China.  You hear what I�m sayin?

�Japan,� Tenchi corrected him.

�Yeah, yeah, whatever.  Like I said, you two get back to da Philippines with no problems.  So, where�s da merchandise?�

�Right over here,� Ryoko said proudly as she handed three grocery bags full of marijuana to the dealer.

�Awesome, awesome.  And here be your money.  Now, you or your friends need anything else, just send em to Rakheem, cuz he�s got da mad props, ya dig.�

�Uh, I guess.�  

*****

�Forty-nine...Fifty.�  Ryoko finished counting the money as they walked out of the alley.

�You two, stop!�  Ryoko and Tenchi spun around to see Mr. Slyman and Habib standing at the other end of the alley.

�Run!�  Tenchi and Ryoko bolted for the car and took off down the street.  Habib and Slyman followed in their own car.

*****

�I cannot believe that man rented us a Datsun again!�

�Oh will you calm down.�

�NO!  I am still pissed you wouldn�t let me kill him.�

�Look, like I told you last time, you cannot go around killing anyone you want.  I�m sorry they keep giving us Datsun�s when we go to car rental place, but it cannot be helped.  Besides, you can kill those two.�

*****

�I swear Ryoko, if I didn�t love you so much, I don�t know why I would let you get me into these situations.�  

Ryoko didn�t avert her gaze as she drove 100 m.p.h. through a school zone.  �Now Tenchi, what did I tell you earlier about taking stupid ris.....�  She turned to stare at him.

�What did you say?�

�I said, if I didn�t........love you......�  Tenchi�s sentence was interrupted by the car slamming into a telephone pole.

*****

�Look,  those two idiots have crashed.�  

Habib smiled.  �Now I kill them.�

*****

As Tenchi and Ryoko ran down the street, being chased by two overly-dressed Arab gentlemen, Tenchi turned to Ryoko.

�Well, I hope you�re happy.  We�re being chased by two psychos from Iran, we STILL don�t have enough money to get home, God only knows where Washu is, and now you�ve turned me into a drug smuggler.

�Yes Tenchi, but you did say you love me.�

Tenchi face faulted as he ran down the Ventura Expressway.  �Ryoko, I hardly think that�s a fair trade-off for this mess we�re in now.�

Ryoko shrugged.  �Hey Tenchi, what can I say?  Things are tough all over, you know?�

*****

Author�s Comments:  The term �nonsense fic� comes to mind when I re-read this.  Still, this is another first for me, the first Tenchi fanfic to fuse with a Cheech and Chong movie.  I have this penchant for bizarre fic ideas.  Next:  Ranma & co. meet rap superstar Ol� Dirty Bastard!

Tenchi Masaki and Ryoko trademark and copyright 1999 Pioneer LTD. and AIC.  Mr. Slyman and Prince Habib trademark and copyright 1982 Richard �Cheech� Marin and Tommy Chong.

�Ryoko and Masaki:  Things Are Tough All Over� by W*ING Higley.
Original Story by Richard �Cheech� Marin and Tommy Chong.

W*ING and W*ING logo trademark and copyright 1994 Mickey Iberagi and Victor Quinones.

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