Subject: [FFML] Re: [FFML][fanfic][R1/2] Quantum Destinies 10 (part 2 of 2)
From: Jurai Knight
Date: 12/30/1999, 1:16 AM
To: "DB Sommer" <sommer@3rdm.net>
CC: <ffml@fanfic.com>

And now to part two.

(continued from part one of chapter ten)
>habit.  A soft nimbus of bluish chi flowed around her body like St.
>Elmo's fire, totally invisible except to those who were highly-trained
>in the martial arts themselves.

Or those that could see.

Well, something like that.

>
>     Tokyo, and especially Nerima, seemed filled with a chaotic power
>that was completely unlike anything she had ever experienced,

And she hasn't even 'experienced' it yet ^_^

Oh, but she will.  ^_^


yet she
>was confident that she would master its essence.  Her grandfather had
>always told her, "A true ninja can blend into any environment, for we
>are the masters of the Way of Shadow, and the myths of the past that
>still walk among ordinary men."  And with that

I'd drop the 'And' and start at 'With'

Ok

>each breath swiftly returning her closer to her full endurance.  The
>young ninja felt her mind calming to a stillness, the sounds of the
>awakening city washing over her without arousing her.

Especially since this wasn't a lemon.

Nope.



>
>     Ukyou did not sense the presence of another person until it was
>almost too late.  Her body instinctively dodged to one side without a
>single conscious thought

Which was unfortunate, since she had been on a rooftop at the time. She
went over the edge, and impaled herself on a piece of cardboard in the
alley below.

Heh.

>
>     "Feeding you is going to be more work that I thought," teased Yumi.
>"You eat more than even any of the

Awkward. I'd drop the 'even'


>
>     "The best way to earn a guy's attention is by cooking for him," said
>Yumi sagely,

Actually, ripping open your top and smothering him with your breasts is a
lot more attention getting.

QD Ukyou: Like I'd ever do that!  (blushing)

QD Akane: I'd do it.

(The other girls all stare at Akane)

QD Akane: Hey, so I'm confident in my own sexuality in this world.  My mother
always told me that a guy likes confident women.

QD Ranma: She's scaring me again.


>                    ******************************
>
>     Ranma swallowed the egg in question with a single gulp, a smirk on
>his face.
>
>     Nodoka's eyebrow began to twitch.

They're dead.

Oh, yeah.


>     "Genma!" snapped Nodoka sharply.  "Stop this childish play with our
>son and just eat your breakfast!"  For a moment, she forgot her normal
>ways of acting around her family and husband, and the Nodoka she once
>was as a teenager appeared briefly in her mannerisms.  The urge to get a
>bokken and smack her husband around for acting like an idiot tempted her
>for a brief time.

She'd better get used to that sensation. She's going to be feeling it
plenty of times.

Yep.

>delivered in the kick was sufficient to knock the boy out and send him
>swiftly flying backwards in a short, ballistic arc to crash down onto
>his back.

Flawless victory. A bonus of 10000 points is rewarded to Akane Tendou.

Hehehe   ^_^

>
>     Sakura Kasuganou separated herself from the crowd and casually knelt
>to examine Akane's downed foe, peeling back an eyelid and feeling for
>his pulse.

Sakura: He's dead, Jim.

^_^

>     *Strike fast, strike hard, and strike without mercy,* were the three
>basic tenets Akane had taken to heart from her mother's teachings, and
>she had always sought to live her life by them when it came to combat.

And cooking.

That joke is still coming up.  And do you honestly think that QD Ranma will
go near anything that she cooks with what he knows from other worlds?

>
>     "You're bleeding," observed Sakura calmly,

Akane: I ain't got time to bleed.

Heh.

>
>                    ******************************
>
>     Hikaru Gosunkugi followed along behind Ranma, a look of malevolent
>anticipation on his face.  He had stayed up late last night, the first
>of many nights he anticipated doing, preparing for his vengeance against
>the pigtailed scholar.  However, anyone who happened to look at him at
>the moment would not notice any differences in his usual, sunken-eyed
>appearance.

Heh.

>
>     Ranma turned around, suddenly noticing for a moment that he was
>being followed.  He glanced back up the street leading to his home, but
>saw nothing.  Shrugging, he turned back to heading towards the Academy,
>even as he wondered how he was going to deal with his mother's eagerness
>for him to pursue Ukyou.

seppuku, boy.

That's one answer, I suppose.

The thought of a date with the ninja girl made
>him nervous.  The way his life was heading now, he honestly did not know
>what to expect if he did ask her out.

Something bad. It's always something bad.

Pessimist.

>
>     "Your father and I will be attending a function at the Ministry this
>evening," his mother had told him with a smile at the door, "so it's a
>perfect time for you to spend some time with that nice Ukyou girl and
>take her out on a date.  Now I want you to ask her out, and I expect you
>to show her a good time.  She's staying at her aunt's place of business,
>so here's some money to eat there tonight."  She quickly handed him
>several thousand-yen notes and told him the directions.  He was oddly

'oddly' feels out of place there, but I'm not sure where else to put it.
You might want to consider dropping it, I guess.

I might.  I will ponder it.

>     The name of Ukyou's aunt's place had been a mild shock, and an eerie
>feeling had fallen upon him and stayed with him since then.  So it could
>be understood why he was not at his most observant right now.  Still, he
>didn't think anyone would be attacking him since there weren't any girls
>really pursuing him like that one other Ranma had.

drop 'one' I think we know which one he means.

Ok


>
>     When his target of vengeance continued onwards towards the Academy,
>Gosunkugi fell into place a short distance behind him, cloaking his
>presence with skill.  He smiled at the thought of the spell he would be
>casting soon, actually the only one contained

Again I'd break that into two sentences. '....soon. Actually it was the
only one

Ack!  My flawed grammar strikes again.

>
>                    ******************************
>
>     "The element of life and change," said a voice to her right and a
>little bit behind her.

'Gold,' Nabiki answered.

Cherry would whack her with his staff for that one.

>
>     When Nabiki said nothing, the small figure tipped his head up to
>reveal the face of an ugly little gnome of a monk beneath the broad hat,
>one that reminded her a little bit of Happosai.  The two figures gazed
>at each other, but the old man spoke first.
>
>     "Greetings, young warrior," said the small figure.  "I am Cherry."

Wah! This is going to be bad.

Not too bad.  I am still getting used to writing him.


>
>     Cherry smiled.  It made him look even uglier somehow.  "You carry
>the impression of a martial artist in your stance and your manner, young
>warrior.  By the way, you would not happen to have any extra food on
>you, by some chance?"

Heh. That's Cherry, all right.

I may make that a trademark line of his in this.

  When Nabiki only frowned and did not reply, he
>shrugged and looked a bit disappointed, then pointed at her with the
>head of his staff, the rings jingling slightly.  "Rarely have I ever
>encountered someone with such a powerful destiny written in their being,
>and now I have met two in such a short time."

Oh? I can't remember, but did he meet Ranma earlier.

He did.

>
>     "It is interesting that you paused to study the water, young
>warrior," said Cherry solemnly, dropping his gaze to look at the
>fountain.  "It is the element symbolic of life, ever moving and ever
>changing.  But I sense strong ties between the water and yourself.
>Perhaps you drowned in a past life?"

Nabiki: Since it was a past life, I really couldn't say.

Well, true.

>     "Yeah, Kunou," said Ranma with irritation, "just leave me alone and
>stop attacking me, okay?  You're never going to be good enough to beat
>me, so why even try?"

Nothing like throwing gas on the fire when you're trying to put it out.

Some of the other Ranmas showing up in his personality.



>
>     *Oh, good one, Ranma-baka,* thought Nabiki with a sigh, feeling a
>bit exasperated with her nominal rival.  *Why not just paint a sign on
>your forehead saying 'Attack me' and taunt the guy some more?

Too straightforward for him.

True.

>
>     "Huh?" Ranma blurted out, quite oblivious to what had just occurred
>between the two girls.

Typical for Ranma in any universe

Yep.  ^_^

>
>     Kunou had finally managed to recover his senses enough to feel a
>strong quivering of desire for the girl tugging on his arm, penetrating
>through even the shell of arrogance and bushido honor he wove about
>himself.  Regret for this weakness in his feelings for Akane consumed
>him for several agonizing moments as he sought to master himself.

Oh, c'mon Kunou. You know you want to say. "I would have them both.'

He's building up to that possibility.  Watching Nabiki and Kensaiko talk
might be scary though.

>
>     "Of course, if you're not interested, perhaps I can interest Ranma
>in these rare items,"

Heh. Good one.

Nabiki knows her target's psychology well.



>
>     "Pleasure doing business with you, Kunou," said Nabiki with a smile.
>Having such a windfall of yen made her whole day look brighter, until
>she recalled Ranma spending time with a certain young noblewoman.  She
>made a mental note to bruise the girl up a little during practice today,
>to show Kodachi Kunou that it was very unwise to make a play for a boy
>that Nabiki considered as her property.  Even if the boy in question did
>not know it yet.

And may never find out. ^_^

QD Ranma: No woman owns me!

S1/2 Ranma: That's it, buddy.  Stick to your guns.  You never saw me getting
owned by any women.  I managed to dodge all those bullets, and thanks to your
father I don't even got to worry about any arranged marriages to no uncute tomboy
now either.  Ranma Saotome don't need no woman.

S1/2 Shampoo: Hmmm.

>
>     Kunou nodded to himself as he strode the distance to his waiting
>limousine, gazing raptly at pictures

the pictures

>
>     Ranma was now somewhat nervously waiting outside the Dean's office,
>since a summons to appear before the man had been waiting in his locker.
>The pigtailed boy occupied himself during the wait with composing some
>of the arguments he would make in favor of continuing his work.

Which mostly consisted of rolling around and crying, or holding his breath
until he turned blue.

Heh.  ^_^


>
>     "Stupid old man," Ranma muttered under his breath.  As to which old
>man he was referring to, even he wasn't quite sure.

Ranma: (In a Kunou-like voice) I should blame them both!

That's pretty funny.  ^_^

>
>     Watching Kodachi standing in one spot with her hands slowly tearing
>her handkerchief apart, Ranma raised one eyebrow and suddenly felt a
>little bit nervous being around the young noblewoman.  *But it's still
>better than the laugh,*

Not by much.

I think it is.  I once heard that the voice actress is the same one who does
Naga from Slayers.

I guess that means this version of Ukyou won't be inclined to have
daydreams then.

Wrong.

>
>
>     Yohko eyed Nabiki and wondered why the other girl seemed to be
>growing more and more obsessed with Ranma Saotome of late.

Because she is.

QD Nabiki: I am not!

QD Ranma: Chicks dig me.  It's a curse.

^_^


She waved
>the other girls away while Nabiki's attention was distracted, briefly
>watching them fan out to contact their own small groups of followers

You make it sound like a cult.

A personality cult devoted to making money?  Maybe.

>
>     Behind her mask, Panther smiled.

Weee. More of the cat girls. It's about time this part of the storyline was
advanced.

They are some of my favorite characters in this story.

An almost sexual thrill went
>through her as she enjoyed the obvious fear being shown by the little
>gray mouse she had trapped.

Panther: Squeek for me. Squeek I say.

Hehe

>
>     "The choice is quite simple, Hiroshi-kun," purred Panther in sultry
>tones, returning her attention to the task at hand.  "My master offers
>you a place in his organization, since he is able to recognize useful
>talent when he sees it.

Hiroshi: Yes! I always knew someone would recognize my talents at tap
dancing.

Hmmm

>
>     "You should consider yourself lucky that none of the instructors
>caught you sleeping here, you jerk," growled Sayuri, irritated that he
>had managed to forget a lunch date with her.  Again.  She was tempted to
>kick him again.

I'd use 'once more' since you use 'again' right before.

Ok

>
>     Suddenly wondering if the whole experience had been a dream, Hiroshi
>stood up and endured the chastisements of the two girls.  But his memory
>of the gray-eyed girl in black refused to leave him, and he was certain
>that the experience had been real.

Especially with the wet spot in his jeans. ^_^

^_^


>
>     Nabiki did not reply or change her expression, but she walked into
>the infirmary and sat down on the edge of the cot Ranma was lying down
>on, causing a faint squeak of bedsprings.

A curiosity, since cots don't have bedsprings.

Depends on the type of cot, I guess.  I own one with flat springs that go crosswise
from side to side.

>
>     "Anytime you wanna give it a try, Nabiki," said Ranma, scooting back
>and sitting up on the cot.  Her nearness was making him feel a little
>edgy as he eyed his attractive martial arts rival.  Luckily, his stomach
>was feeling somewhat less overfull now,

That was quick.

The Saotome digestive tract is second to none.

>                    ******************************
>
>     "A yen for your thoughts?" said Nabiki suddenly.

Ranma: Well you're certainly cheap.

WHACK!

QD Nabiki: Care to try that one again?  (sweetly)


>
>     "Yeah, I might have heard something about that," said Nabiki, taking
>her ease and leaning forward a little.  "I was looking forward to trying
>out your little toy again."

The one with the vibrating attachment? ^_^

Heheh

>
>     "I need a good thief," Ranma began, quickly waving his hands when he
>saw the frown that suddenly appeared on her face.  "No!  No, I mean

a decent con artist

QD Kodachi: Sounds like you all right, Tendou-san.



>need someone who can open locks, someone skilled in dealing with them.

ie: He needs a thief

Yep.

>     "I have some skills in those areas," admitted Nabiki.  "But, what's
>in it for me?"

Ranma: And just why does everything have to be about you?

QD Nabiki: I am the star here, aren't I?

QD Ranma: Guess again.

>
>     *Why, that poisonous snake!* Kodachi growled in her thoughts as she
>peeked in on the pair, both hands closing into tight fists.  *Taking
>advantage of poor Saotome-kun in his hour of need.*  She felt a familiar
>urge to protect Ranma from what she saw as a predatory female trying to
>take advantage of him.

Run in and pummel her with a giant wooden mallet.

Hmm...a possibility.

>
>     "So what do you have to offer me?" Nabiki asked teasingly, almost
>breathing the words into Ranma's face.  "Why should I risk my future
>career to help you?"

Ranma: Because if you don't, I'll start dating your sister. (That ought to
do it)

QD Nabiki: I dare you to do it.

QD Ranma: (Damn, she called my bluff)


>
>     Nabiki frowned in thought for a moment as she sat back upright, a
>little annoyed that Ranma thought she was only interested in money.

It was the truth, of course, but she was annoyed that he thought it.

Heh



 He
>had managed to surprise her a bit by his last-second resistance, but she
>was actually quite pleased to know that the little game being played out
>between them could continue on for a little while longer.  Still, she
>was certain that it was only a matter of time before he fell before her,
>one way or another.  And once she mastered the Amaguriken technique and
>showed him that she was his clear superior in the martial arts, then her
>case for being the one who was in charge of their relationship would be
>airtight.

Until he beats you again. Nabby should be a little wiser than this, but you
could always assign it to wishful thinking on her part.

She's just being a bit overconfident too.

It is also amusing to hear her tell her AVST counterpart how she doesn't
want a gelded Ranma, then has lines of thinking like this.

I think she is enjoying the challenge as much as anything, but she _knows_
she will win in the end.  ^_^

>
>     It was at that moment that Kodachi stormed into the room, finally
>unable to stand it any longer.

Yeah. About time

Had to build up the tension a bit.



>
>     Nabiki looked at him like he had just sprouted another head,

largely in part because he had.

Figuratively speaking, that is.

>
>     However, now was not the time to pick a fight, especially since
>Kodachi knew quite well how skilled Nabiki was.  She calmed herself, a
>somewhat difficult task with as close to Ranma as the other girl was
>seated, but she would show him that she was a lady.

She would beat him up daintily later.

Well, maybe not until after they get engaged.


>
>
>     Ranma laughed nervously.  "Uhh, that's quite an interesting theory,
>Kodachi.  What makes you think I'm doing something like that?"

Kodachi: Because you've been acting like you have a couple of downloaded
personalities in your head.

S1/2 Ranma: She found you out, bookworm.

>
>     "Before I tell you how I know, I have to know something" said
>Kodachi seriously.  She locked gazes with Nabiki, even as she continued
>to speak to Ranma.  "Do you trust her to keep what I say secret?"

Question: Why is she even giving Nabiki the opportunity to help, unless
Kodachi feels she requires Nabby's assistance as well?

Because it is too late to try and cut Nabiki out of this, so she's being
pragmatic.

>
>     "What's the matter, Lady Kunou?" asked Nabiki with a smirk.  "Don't
>you trust me?"

Kodachi: Does it look like I have 'sucker' tattooed on my forehead?

QD Nabiki: I could jot it on your forehead in a moment, if you'd like.

>
>     "Yes," said Ranma with sudden certainty, looking over at Nabiki to
>meet her gaze.  "I think I could trust Nabiki Tendou with my life."

Seems a bit much for him to admit here.

Maybe.  Maybe not.


>
>     Nabiki felt an odd feeling

'sensation' would be better since you use 'felt' earlier in the sentence.

>
>     *Terrific,* Nabiki thought disgustedly, yet her expression showed
>nothing.  *Now the little floozy will be getting underfoot even more.*

Yep. ^_^

You bet.



>
>her tale any description of the Earth where the Empire was at war.  *I
>will spare him that pain,* she decided.  *Let the death of his analog on
>that world from a betrayal by the cold-blooded reptile named Nabiki
>Tendou remain my secret.*

Kodachi: Until I can reveal it at a crucial moment to my own advantage.

QD Nabiki: You dare to match wits with Nabiki Tendou?

QD Kodachi: I dare it for the sake of True Love!

QD Ranma tries sneaking out at this time.

>
>     Ranma blushed as well.  He thought about mentioning his own little
>excursion into such activities with the Earth he found himself on where
>he was married to Shampoo, but he wisely kept silent.

Yep. That would be a good idea.

Just to show that he's not a total idiot when it comes to women.

>Kunou, the more she was coming to see that she was just like the rest of
>her overbred peers, hedonists without any real sense of what were the
>truly important things in the world.  *Figures her first jump would be
>into something so sordid.*

As opposed to the non-sordid one where you were married to both Ranma and
Shampoo, my dear?

QD Nabiki: Err...  that was totally different!

>memories."  Even now, Kodachi knew she could close her eyes and remember
>each of the many fights her counterpart had fought in, mostly single
>duels fought against other gang leaders.  Other than her skills with
>wielding her fists and feet as weapons, her counterpart was armed only
>with her favorite weapon, a yo-yo.

Sukaban Kodachi, eh? ^_^

I thought it would be cute, and it sorta fits.  ^_^


>
>     *Just great,* thought Nabiki sullenly, glaring slightly at the girl
>being held awkwardly in Ranma's arms.  Jealous feelings seethed within
>her, but she held them in check.  However, the urge to toss Kodachi out
>the window to see how high she might bounce brought a brief smile to her
>face.

Of course, since they were on the first floor, she probably wouldn't have
bounced very high.

True, but it's the thought that counts.  ^_^.

>
>     "Ranma," said Nabiki with a slight warning tone to her voice.  She
>did not feel right about him sharing secrets with the Kunou girl so
>easily.

WHy not? She's shared hers with you.

Yeah, but she was raised to keep secrets as if they were their own form
of currency.  And we know how little Nabiki likes to part with currency.



>
>     Kodachi laid her hand atop Ranma's, gently squeezing his.  She
>smiled at him, feeling a warm electric current seeming to pass between
>them.  "Partners."

Until they need to stab each other in the back. ^_^

More likely with the two girls than coming from Ranma though.

>
>
>     "Huh?  Oh, it was fine," said Ranma, suddenly feeling uncertain
>about this whole thing.  Just what did someone do on a date?  Ranma now
>realized that he did not have a single idea how to proceed from here,
>and his memories from his other counterparts were no help.

Heh. Too true.

A gap in his experience.

>
>
>     Ranma was in heaven.  There were some subtle differences in flavor
>and texture, but this was undoubtedly an Ukyou-made okonomiyaki that was
>a near rival to any in his memories.  The thought of having a girlfriend
>like her around (without any arranged marriage hanging over their heads)
>was a pretty fine idea to him, especially with delicious food like this
>to eat.

My, he is fickle. First it's Nabiki. Then Kodachi. Now Ukyou. All in the
same day too.

Heh.  I guess he is a bit that way, but if you had all these girls showing
interest in you wouldn't you play the field a bit too?

>
>
>     Ukyou had been feeling more and more nervous each time Ranma had
>looked at her.  Beneath the counter, the small, stainless steel spatula
>in her hands was twisting into a shape not seen outside of a text on
>origami.

heh. Okay. she has more in common with Kodachi than I thought.

Yep.  ^_^


>hair.  The harness for her battle spatula was strapped on, but she had
>left the spatula itself behind the counter with her aunt's.  Unasked,
>Yumi tossed it to her before coming over to Ukyou.  Noticing Ranma's
>smile, Ukyou smiled back as she sheathed her weapon.

Yumi's own form of 'date protection' ^_^

Something like that.  ^_^



>Ryouga would prove that he was the better fighter between them, with
>Ukyou's broken body as the clear evidence of his superior skill.  He
>also hoped in a quiet corner of his heart that the victory would finally
>purge him of his unwanted and uncomfortable desires for the 'boy' he had
>battled against and trained alongside of for so many years.

You got to have him yell at some point, "How dare you make me gay, Ukyou!"

That's not a bad idea, actually.

QD Ranma: I can't believe he never noticed for all these years.

MainRanma: Well, how many times was I able to trick him with my female form
and a simple disguise?

QD Ranma: Good point.

QD Ukyou: I was also good at disguise, don't forget that.

>
>     The smell of rice drifting his way inflamed his hunger, and Ryouga
>found himself missing his mother's home-cooked meals wistfully.  If he
>had been at home, he knew that he would be enjoying some of her culinary
>wonders.  The thought of the dishes she had lovingly made for him over
>the years, brought new pangs of hunger from his gut.  Opening his eyes
>to see nothing but plain rice and some wild vegetables

what? No piglet? ^_^

All right. Nice to see things finally pick up once again. Can't wait for
the release of the next chapter.

D.B. Sommer

Chapter eleven is coming.  I have 25 pages written now.  Just need to finish
up a couple of scenes and it will be ready for rough draft release to my
ore-readers.

Later all,
JK


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