Since I noted you wanted C&C on Part 3, I assumed that Part 2 was fair
game too...hope I'm not too far off on that assumption...
<Chapter 2>
<clip>
Coming to a decision, Ranma got up and went in search of Dr. Tofu.
He needed his insight both as a local and as someone familiar with
Amazon lore to a certain degree. He found him in his office going
through some papers. "Dr. Tofu, could I ask you something?"
<another clip>
Dr. Tofu rubbed his chin as he digested what Ranma told him. "So,
you're saying that, if Akane were to win then by your Amazon Law,
you must marry her, correct?"
Ranma nodded his head, glad that he was taking this so well. "Yes,
Tofu-sensei, it's our Marriage Law."
"Have other females from your village challenged you with this
Marriage Law?" Dr. Tofu didn't think so considering Ranma wasn't
married yet, but he had to make sure.
"The Marriage Law doesn't apply to Amazons, at least, not quite."
Ranma saw that he needed to explain things better. "Maybe I should
explain the law with more detail."
(and this continues for a little way)
Nothing really important, but I feel that if Tofuu really doesn't know
the Marriage Law (and the Kiss of Death) he really isn't familiar with
Amazon lore. I realize that in this story he did train under an
Amazon healer, but that might not have necessarily meant he learned
about their customs. Especially since he seems not to know about
this rather important one. It's not a huge deal, but you could reword
the statement in the first paragraph. (I also realize that explaining
this is a good idea also, to those unfamiliar to the story... I'm not
advocating taking *this* part out, but just a reword of previous parts)
<hack>
"Yes, Ranma certainly has a natural ability to attract, umm,
attention."
Boy, the more things change... ^_^
<shear>
When trouble lurched and he couldn't win without
underhanded tricks, he ran. When the odds were against him, he ran.
When he couldn't find an immediate solution, he ran. And so, he ran.
He ran until he found another dwelling where he could scourge as much
as he needed until he needed to run again. But for now, he ran.
Boy, he sounds like "The Running Man"...
And later (but not in order of narration):
"To release. such evil. it . I can't." Genma babbled as he strove to
retain what little dignity and courage he still possessed. It was an
uphill battle since he's a tad cowardly and definitely not dignified.
...
"I-I can't.. I won't." Then again, dignity and courage had never been
much use to Genma. Maybe he should reconsider his position.
...
Genma paled visibly and cowardly gave up the ghost of his
resistance, pitiful that it was. "He's buried in the mountain outside
Hokkaido."
Many allusions to this in other paragraphs, too... Yeah, Genma's a
coward. He's a rapscallion, a liar, a cheat, and a thief. That's what
the first vignette establishes (other than introducing Ryouga a bit...).
However, you really don't have to keep writing that. Some, of
course, aren't avoidable (like when he's trying to say "no" to
Pantyhose's questions). However, you really don't need every
descriptive adjective like "pitiful" in there, as it tends to break up
the interesting narration. (A battle of wits between Genma and
Pantyhose... always fun)
<incise>
"Aaarrggghhh!" Nabiki nearly screamed in frustration but caught
herself as she took several long deep breaths and settled back to
her calm demeanor. She was getting a headache with all of these
unknown elements about Ranma. She stood and left her room.
Good job of the analytical Nabiki here. Especially the logical
part of her, dissecting every problem that might arise and trying
to figure answers to the questions she has.
<rend>
Tomorrow
Tomorrow would determine whether she'd win or lose. Tomorrow,
she'd find out if she would gain a boyfriend or if she would still
retain the title as the best in Nerima.
Tomorrow
Tomorrow was a new day. However, today, she'd rest and wait for
tomorrow. Akane closed her eyes as visions of the fight tomorrow
filled her mind, visions of possibilities and probabilities.
Silently, she dreamed of a day where she had a companion who
fought with her and protected her. She dreamt of someone she loved
and loved her. But until that day, she'd have to keep fighting and
tomorrow would just be another fight to be won a fight like all the
others.
Tomorrow
But for now, she slept and allowed her body to recover. Her tense
muscles loosened and the pain was but a distant memory, her mind
at ease and her worries gone.
Sleep Akane. Tomorrow would arrive soon enough.
Hmm... is Akane herself thinking "Tomorrow", or is the narrator taking
a direct role in the telling of this story? Seeing as how "Tomorrow" is
followed up directly by third person, ("But for now, she slept...") it
has a feel of the narrator speaking rather than Akane's preoccupation of
events forthcoming, because of the break in narration. Especially the
last sentence. I feel that this part ends much more concisely at "her
mind at ease and her worries gone." (If you would like a couple more
opinions, or a good debate, I wouldn't mind continuing but time
constrains...)
<pare>
Ranma awoke in his bed feeling troubled. For some unknown reason,
he felt that today was not going to be a good day. Perhaps it was
something in the air or the way his seventh sense tingled every so
often. He sighed, as he was unable to fathom the cause of this
disturbance and uneasiness.
I always thought (and could have sworn Ranma even said) that his sixth
sense is the one that senses danger... I would think that, while this
isn't exactly danger, would qualify for a sixth-sense kinda impulse,
especially since there is no one else's chi for him in the general area
to sense.
"Thank you." Ranma observed Dr. Tofu stacked three pancakes
and poured syrups over it and ate. Rather than copy the doctor,
he decided that it would be better to increase the amount to three
times that.
And again, the more things change... ^_^ (I feel this is a good job...
make the quirks evident, so we can "see" the characters in your
alternaverse)
<slice>
Akane didn't reply as she charged into the crowd. Like before,
she easily plummet the horde. However, she found herself weaving
through the crowd and knocking them easier than before. She
finished her morning attacks in half her usual time and waited for
Kuno to appear.
"pummel(ed)" (Ordinarily I wouldn't do grammar stuff, but this
isn't the only spot this one appears)
She didn't know why Kuno even bothered hiding behind the
tree. Everyone knew what he'd do once Akane finished with
the horde, but he still used the same approach everyday since
the announcement.
That is actually a classic Kuno "head of bricks" moment... a high
school kendo champion, king of all he surveys (in his mind's eye)...
hiding behind a *tree*. Good job.
"I don't love you!" Akane gave Kuno an icy glare and wondered
what it would take to get through the moron. Maybe she should
look into those psychology books Kasumi had around. Nah, those
things never got anything right.
*heehee*
Everyone groaned as they heard the spiel repeated for the
umpteenth time. You'd think Kuno would get the hint and at least
try some new declaration, but no.
Another instance of what seems the narrator hopping points of view.
If a character thought this, it would make sense... but the narrator's
not in the story, so he really can't say this.
"I don't want to date you!" Akane punted Kuno into lower earth
orbit and stomped into school as her good mood was destroyed.
Because of a dinky fight with Kuno? Now I see why she was always
a bit grouchy in the mornings...
<trim>
Ranma fidgeted a bit as he waited for the lunch bell to ring. The
news of the fight had already spread thru out the school. It puzzled
him as to why Akane's sister would encourage such a thing. Was it not
in Akane's best interest to keep the fight private?
"through" (Again, this happens more than once, so I'll bring it up)...
besides, in this spot it's "throughout". (one word)
<trim, the second>
"What? You're not planning on withdrawing from the fight,
are you?" she said indignantly, hands on her hips.
Ranma sweated, "Well, you see. There's some complication
that I think you should know about."
"What kind of complication? You're not scare are you,"
she teased.
"Of course not!" he retorted. "I'm not scare of anything."
"Well, what's the problem then?" she asked, loosing some
of her patient.
As it continues... other than the homophonic (and tense) spelling
errors, this was a well-crafted part of the fic. It captured Akane at
her "jump to conclusions" best, Ranma putting his foot in his mouth,
and generally added many good feelings to the tone of your work.
<rive>
Still, she wondered what was so important that he wanted the
fight called off. He wasn't afraid of her that's for sure. So why
did he seem worried? Or was it concerned for her? Well, she'd
find out later, AFTER she went medieval on his ass.
I like this rather than earlier... it sounds more like a thought from
Akane rather than a comment from the narrator.
<hew>
Ranma chose this moment to groan as he came to. His hand went
to his face to rub the ache away when he realized that he wasn't
wearing his shades. Noticing the remnants of his shades imbedded
in the ground, he pulled out a spare that he'd hidden away for such
an occasion.
After the pounding he's had, he has an extra pair of shades ready to
go? And, if they are "unbreakable", how come the first ones broke?
<wangle... heehee>
Akane's body went slack then began to twitch and shudder as
spasms shook it. A minute passed. Two minutes. Three minutes.
Then the seizures subsided as both of them came up for air.
Whoa... good material... (and go Ranma!) More of that "is it love, or
just an allergic reaction" kinda stuff... heehee
...
Suddenly, she stood up and ran towards the locker room, sending
students flying like bowling pins. It was a good thing that her gi was
heavily stained with sweat and dirt though, cause she really needed
to change her underwear right now.
And I'm obviously not the only one who thinks so. (Good description)
<End of Chapter 2>
All in all, this was a great read. Despite the fact that exams are
raging across my campus, I took time to read all three installments
of this work. I liked the characters as they were written (even though,
after a while I was feeling a bit sorry for poor ol' Genma there...
reprehensible or cowardly, or both). Also, the story was a fun read in
itself. I'm looking forward to reading the forthcoming chapters.
--- S. "Zoogz" Jamison
--<steeples his fingers> Interesting...