Subject: [FFML] [FFML][Ranma][FIC][C&C requested] Upperclassman Ranma Ch 4
From: "Mike " Ranmania " Lee" <ranmania@hotmail.com>
Date: 12/13/1999, 2:37 AM
To: ffml@ffml.fanfic.com

As usual, I really need honest, blunt C&C if I'm going to improve my writing.

Upperclassman Ranma

Chapter IV: Irresistible! Lady killer! Kuno!?

Disclaimer: Did I make the Ranma cast? Of course not. Anyone with half a brain (yes, that's you too
Tachi-boy) should know that. That's why this is a Fanfic.

Act one: Pigtailed girl! I'm HOOOOME!

Ranma woke up with a well known feeling washing over his body. Danger ran a light, prickling touch over
his brain. Oh no. What now? Was Akane going to cook again? Or was there going to be another high-
powered martial artist coming to town? It was days like these when he wished that there WEREN'T days
like these.
A mop of black, unruly hair accompanied by a pigtail poked out the doorway and stood still for a moment.
With a sigh of relief, Ranma threw his Ranma-decoy back into his pack. It was surprising how often it
worked.
`Well, whatever it is, its gotta wait. I'm hungry!' With that, he flipped on downstairs. Right into another
day in Nerima, where the only certainty was that things were always uncertain.
The pre-breakfast sparring match.
HIYAH!
HWOOOAH!
WHACK! THUMP!
`Breakfast, everyone!'
AAARGH!
`Thank you, Kasumi.'
SPLASH!
Ranma smoothed her now red hair back from her face. This was getting monotonous. With that thought in
her head, she began to guzzle her food down in a manner that would make a cement mixer feel nauseous.
The koi in the pond had long been replaced by specially bred Battle-fish. These babies usually fell asleep
when fighter fish nipped at them. They had tough, vibrant scales and were so tough that they could be used
as body armour. They were still no match for the Saotome Twin Splash-down of Doom technique though.
The original five fish had now dwindled down to a single survivor. Even that one was now a nervous
wreck. When Genma or Ranma walked into the garden, it tried to hide under the water-lily leaves.
`Y'know,' Ranma managed from between bites, `I have this really bad feeling something. BIG is gonna
come down today.'
Genma looked at his son (well, that's a little debatable), and held up a sign. `On a day like this?' He
flipped it around. `What could POSSIBLY happen?'
CRASH!
`My pigtailed goddess! Oh, how you must have pined for my love! Weep no more, for I have returned!'
Dressed in an elegant set of trousers and a pure white shirt, Kuno was a little taller than he was before. He
was, however, as lecherous as ever.
Grope.
Grope.
Grope.
POW! CRASH!
Huffing from the shock and rage, Ranma didn't even look up at the new hole in the ceiling. `Aw NO!
Don't tell me it's semester break AGAIN!'
Kuno had been far more ardent on returning home than Nabiki. Every little holiday he had he spent on
returning home to Nerima to `court the beauteous pigtailed girl' And the `vivacious Tendo Akane'. and
the `winsome Mariko' I'm sure you can imagine what he tried doing. Lots of flowers, lots of gushing
admissions of undying love to either Akane or Ranma, usually one after the other. Once he even professed
his love to both at the same time.
Ranma knew what he had to do. Half a dozen thermos flasks went into a large pack. THIS time, he'd
convince Kuno that he and his `Venus of the pigtail' were the same person.
`Off to tell Kuno who you are again?' Akane piped up from her breakfast.
`Yep.'
`Well, they say third time's the charm.' Kasumi smiled as she took dainty bites from her breakfast.
`I guess it holds true for the ninth time too, then.' Akane turned away as her fiancee's head grew a huge
bead of sweat.
Ranma grabbed another backpack and began stuffing in more flasks and kettles.

At the Nekohaten, Cologne put down the letter she'd been reading. This was grave news indeed. In all her
three hundred years, she'd only encountered such a horror once before. She'd nearly succumbed to its sheer
horrifying might. But that had been two-hundred years ago then. She wasn't that young any more.
`Shampoo!' With an acrobatic, alluring bounce, Shampoo bounded from the top floor to land in front of
her great-grandmother.
`Shampoo here, great grandmother!' she chirped, terminally cheerful as always. A cheerfulness that
Cologne swore to ensure was never stolen from Shampoo. She would never feel the effects of. IT.
`Great-granddaughter. I am afraid I must burden you.' Cologne looked around and then leaned closer to
the younger Amazon.
Psst-psst-psst.
`No!' The tray dropped from Shampoo's now numb fingers.
Cologne nodded. `Yes.' She said simply. `We must now guard IT. That which may spell ruin for our tribe
if it is ever released.'
Mousse popped his head in. `Is something wrong? I heard you drop something.'
Both women turned to look at Mousse, then broke into ultra-cheerful smiles.
`Nothing wrong Mousse! You go back now?' Shampoo's eyes were filled with stars.
`Yes, dear boy. Nothing is wrong. Don't worry yourself.' Cologne tried to imitate her granddaughter, with
nearly the opposite result as far as men were concerned.
`Okay, if anything's wrong, just call me.' Mousse went back into his kitchen. Something was wrong
alright, even in her best moods, Cologne would only call him by his name. Dear boy?! Oh yeah. this
booked a little sneaking and nose-poking.
But for now, there was his new skills to polish. Hah, he'd show Ranma that he could learn new tricks too.
Mousse rolled up his sleeves and tied his hair in a pony-tail. Then he took a deep breath.
`HIDDEN WEAPON: MARTIAL ARTS COOKING! THE DRAGON WOK OF DIVINE WRATH!'
From within his robes, Mousse tossed out a large wok. You know, those large,
rounded pans Chinese
usually use to cook. It spun in the air to land on the stove with a clang.
`THE 23RD STANCE! HEAVEN-CLOUD STIR FRY BEEF!'
A small bottle arced through the air and a generous stream of oil splashed onto the wok.
Bits of meat and spices seemed to literally fly into the pot as Mousse's hands blurred on the chopping
board. With near chestnut fist speed, he whipped back to the wok and began stirring.
SSSSHAAAA.
Sizzle-sizzle
`Ouch.' Mousse pulled his finger off the piping hot wok. `Still need a LITTLE work there.' Gingerly, he
ladled out the food and went in search of a plaster.

The Kuno Mansion. Home to one of the lesser known aristocratic families. At least, that's what the brother
and sister kept on insisting it was. It had more traps in it than any Nabiki Tendo-written contract. It was big.
It was impressive. It was also around as homey as the barrel of a cannon about to fire.
`OHOHOHOHOH!' A lithe form pirouetted  through the corridors. Kodachi Kuno, practitioner of martial
arts gymnastics, mistress chef cum poisoner (adds spice to the dish, OHOHOHOH!), and all around nut-
case was very happy. This new dish was quite exquisite.
`Even better than my cr�me de la arsenic mousse! Oh, what a treat my dear brother has in store.' Kodachi
beamed. All those happy hours of him frantically searching for the right antidote after she told him what
new stuff she'd managed to slip past Sasuke. Those golden moments of quality family time. It was almost
as good as when she was around.
`Ranma.' She sighed theatrically, a black rose suddenly between her lips. `Forgive me, but my family
must come first.' She paused in front of his door, the large platter balanced effortlessly on the tips of her
fingers. `Brother dear! I brought brunch!'
`Ah, my twisted sister. Against all rules of reason, I have missed you.' Tatewaki Kuno, erstwhile Blue
Thunder of Furinkan high, Shooting Star of Tokyo University, the most gallant man in history *, and
general nuisance opened his door wide.

*Opinion is largely divided on this issue. Kuno thinks he's the epitome of chivalry. Everyone else thinks
he's the epitome of dementia, idiocy and gods know what else.

`Dearest brother, you must be so weary after travelling all the way from the city.' Kodachi purred as she
removed the lid to the platter.
Kuno stared at the food. It stared right back at him.
`Stuffed lobster, dear brother. Flame grilled to perfection.'
Kuno's mouth began to water. If you had ingested the proper antidote, Kodachi's cooking was like a trip to
paradise. Still, he paused. Who knew what horrible new toxins she had concocted during his sojourn?
`Sister, I have no time for your games. Verily, I can see the taint of the poisons laced within.'
`OHOHOHOH! I have matured beyond such childish tactics, brother. On my word as a martial artist, there
are no poisons within-'
Kodachi never got to finish the sentence. Kuno had already started digging into the crustacean. A few
minutes later, all that was left was the shell of what had been a gourmet class meal.
`Ah, truly a masterpiece. My complements- ugh!' Kuno clutched his stomach. `T-treacherous sibling!
How. how could you!' Kuno scrabbled to his feet, wobbling his way to a cupboard.
CREAK.
Within lay the antidotes to nearly every poison known to man, and a few Kodachi had managed to come
up with herself. `Argh.. B-burning stomach, watering eyes. `tis the vile work of number 23!' With that,
he grabbed a bottle and took a liberal chug from it. `Ah.. I am saved.'
BOOM!
You could almost hear the chemicals in Kuno's belly reacting with one another. Smoke poured out from
his ears and mouth. `Perhaps not, then. It must be number 16!' He took another bottle and a sip.
BOOM!
`AAARGH!'
Sip.
Sip.
Sip.
BOOM,
BOOM,
KA-BOOM!
A blackened Kuno staggered to his smirking sister. `Y-you have triumphed at last, evil sister. But pray, tell
me what vile potion this be, ere I go to my final rest.'
`OHOHOHOH! Brother dear! I already told you that the food was not poisoned!'
`You jest.'
`It was simply an highly reactive irritant. Its much more fun if the person scrabbles around for an antidote
to a poison which was never there. OHOHOHOHOH!'
`Sister. truly. truly you have surpassed yourself! I am proud to call you a Kuno!' Recovering instantly,
Kuno began to tear at the eyes. It was moments like these when something inexcusably stupid and crass
happened. Happily, this was no exception.
CRASH!
`Stupid Kuno, why'd ya have to put so many stupid traps in this stupid place?!'
With cuts and arrows all over his body, Ranma stood at the door, still hefting the two large backpacks he'd
lugged all the way here.
`Alright, Kuno. I'm here to make an announcement. There is no pigtailed girl.'
`OHOHOHOH! Ranma darling, you DO miss me!'
`Humph! Vilest of sorcerers, do you truly believe for an instant that your flimsy excuse could even SWAY
my love for the pigtailed Venus?'
`KUNOOOOO!' Ranma grabbed the taller man and began shaking him. Then bopping him on the head
with a pair of mallets. That failing, he began to pile-drive Kuno into the floor. Miraculously, Kuno was
unharmed.
`Feh. Your black magic has failed you, Saotome. Now, face the wrath of heaven!' Just as Kuno was about
to draw out his bokken, Ranma sighed and held up his hands.
`Alright. Truce. Just LOOK for a second.' Ranma took out a marker pen and drew a triangle on his
forehead. `See that?'
Kuno and nodded. Kodachi did too.
`Alright. Now watch closely. See? This is a flask of COLD water.'
SPLASH.
`Pigtailed girl! Oh how I have missed you!'
WHAP!
`This,' Ranma said, `is going to take a LOOOONG time.' She heaved a breath in exasperation. `Ah, just
get up, get up, get up! Try again!'
SPLASH
`Ranma darling!'
SPLASH
`Pigtailed girl!'
SPLASH.

Genma broke his concentration from his Go game. Some. some THING had crawled into the dojo.
Cracking his knuckles, Genma stood up, Soun trailing behind him.
`Ever since the dawn of time. it has been the sworn duty of martial artists to protect mankind from
monsters.' With that, he rushed the gibbering form.
Sixteen or so blows later, he lifted its tattered carcass up for all the world to see. Then he saw its face.
`Huh? Son?!'
`Heh.heh-heh. No one can be that stupid. Twenty times. Right in their faces. no one can be that
stupid.' Ranma had tied his hair up in weird clumps and small pigtails, and had written all over his bare
torso. Genma looked a little
`I am Ranma Saotome, not the damn pigtailed girl. Same person here. Just look at me, you morons.'
he said out loud.
`Oh no! Who could have possibly done this to our Ranma?! Boohoo!' Soun began to sob.
Nabiki and Akane entered the living room, wondering what the commotion had been about.
`Oh, this time you only took three hours. Did they get it?' Nabiki drawled.
`Heh.heh-heh. Stupid. No one is so stupid. Three hours. In their faces. heh-heh.'
`Guess not. Okay Akane, you lost. Fork over the 100 yen.'
`RANMA YOU JERK! Couldn't you do even THAT right?!' Akane yelled straight into Ranma's ear.
Finally shaken back to reality, Ranma straightened up. `Hey! Is it my fault the Kuno family breeds
terminal stupidity?'
The huge mallet swung his way, and Ranma barely dodged out of its way in time. `Akane, that's getting
old, ya know?'
Akane looked at the mallet in her hands, tossed it away, and suddenly entered `little girl mode', eyes
downcast, hands playing with her hair.
`Ranma, I- sorry. I really shouldn't have yelled at you.' She began to sniff.
`Aw, Akane! Please don't cry.' Ranma took a step forward, unsure how to deal with this new Akane.
POW!
Ranma fell to the floor, eyes swirling.
Dusting off her hands, Akane smirked. `Sucker. You're right Nabiki, its a lot easier this way.'
`I'm glad to hear that. Now where's my 100 yen?'

Act two: The deadliest weapon.

Kuno nursed his aching jaw. Why, he mused, had the pigtailed girl been so wroth? It must have been the
vile Saotome who kept whisking her in and out of the shadows. Yes! Oh, the sheer depravity of the
sorcerer! At any rate, it had been a while since he woke up. He'd missed dinner, and the kitchen was
Kodachi's domain.
At the university, Kuno had had to learn to cook, but even though the containers in the kitchen were
clearly labelled, he had not the stupidity to touch them. Once he'd spied on his sister while she cooked and
heard her sing/chant `Pepper, and a little sugar. Lets bring that wonderful arsenic out.' while picking up
the appropriate container. But he knew her. Whatever she said, even when totally alone, was not worth
risking his life on.
The only restaurant open at this hour was the Nekohaten. Sighing resolutely, he walked in. Barbarian
victuals it was then.
`Innkeeper! I demand -ouch.' Kuno's mouth was now occupied by Shampoo's fist.
`No shout, please. Is late. Sit down and I get to you soon, okay?' Shampoo managed to look charming
even to a person she'd just punched.
As Kuno staggered down to a seat, Shampoo bounced away and soon returned with a menu.
`Hmm. I will dine on. Heaven-cloud stir-fry beef?'
`Oh, is Mousse new creation. Very good! You take?'
Kuno sighed. A meal without poison. Or itching powder. That was a novelty. `Very well then. Make haste
and cook this dish.'
Shampoo nodded and went cheerily back to the kitchen.

`Mousse! Is first order for Heaven-cloud!'
`YES! Finally someone will appreciate my skills! WAHAHAHA!' Mousse danced around in joy. Then he
gathered the ingredients. `Uh. Shampoo, do you know where Cologne keeps the garlic?'
`Hold second. I go ask.'
When Shampoo found Cologne, the ancient was reading one of her old scrolls again.
`Aiya, great grandmother. Mousse got order for Heaven-Cloud, but no find garlic.'
Cologne was too deep into her scroll to pay full attention to her prodigy. `Its in the safe we always use.'
She muttered.
Shampoo never questioned her great-grandmother when she was like this. If she said it was in the safe, it
was in the safe. She nodded once and ran down to get it.
As she grabbed the large box, she thought about how easier it was to be around Mousse when he'd become
obsessed with cooking instead of her. Well, obsessed with it most of the time, anyway.
`Aiya, Mousse! Must be really special garlic if great-grandmother put in box!'
`WAHAHAH! Now, witness the true power of the Hidden weapon! DRAGON WOK!'
Mousse's hands became a blur as he flung and flipped things into the air.
Chop-chop-chop
SSSH..
Sizzle.sizzle.
In less than a minute, he had the wok balanced in one hand and a plate of beef in the other. `Ha! I'm
getting better already!'
Shampoo nodded absently. Silly skill for a silly Mousse. Who care? She grabbed the plate and a bowl of
rice, then skipped back into the dining room.
`Truly, I had begin to wonder whether you had forgotten mine very existence.' Kuno grumbled as he ate
the food. Queer tasting. a certain. mustiness? No matter, a warrior eats only to fuel his blade.
`Tis a strange dish.' He muttered. `Truly unappetising.'
Mousse, who'd come out to witness his own genius, broke into tears.
`Is okay, Mousse. Can try again. A lot more garlic in box.' Shampoo patted the weeping Mousse on the
shoulders.
`How much does this sustenance require of me?'
`WAAAH! Go on! Its free! I'm a failure! WAAAAH!' Mousse held his wok in front of him and then flung
it away. `I'm not worthy!'
`Mousse no be stupid.' Shampoo turned to Kuno. `Is. is. is free of charge.'
Kuno blinked. `If you insist.'
`Anything ELSE need?' Shampoo had a look of utter adoration on her face.
`No, for I must now go and rid the world of that sorcerer! Anon!' Kuno swept away.
`Stick boy is. dashing.' Shampoo sighed.
Mousse had long finished sobbing and was now looking at the object of his desires with curiosity.
`Shampoo? Did I put some of that love at first sight sauce in by accident?'
`No bother me, Mousse. Shampoo feel so. lost.' Sighing again, Shampoo perched on one of the chairs
and gazed out the window.
Mousse frowned. This was not normal Shampoo behaviour. Ah well, it'd have to wait. His honour
demanded that he go practice with his wok.

Ranma tensed. There was a certain stickiness in the air, something he couldn't quite place. Danger? Not
exactly. Something urgent.
`Ranma?' Soun looked over at his future son-in-law. `What's the matter?'
`Nothin' much, Uncle. `S just something doesn't feel right.'
CRASH!
`Saotome Ranma!' Ranma's something turned out to be one Tatewaki Kuno. Mad, bad and quite frankly
rather sad if you bring to mind the fact that he still hadn't figured out who his `Pigtailed Goddess' was.
`What DO you want this time?' Soun was getting rather put off by people crashing into his dojo.
Genma began to frown. Oh no, another idiot to pound up? Just after dinner too.
`Today, I, Tatewaki Kuno, shall rid the world of the monster Saotome!' Emphasising his point, Kuno
hefted his wooden sword and pointed it at Ranma.
`Again?' Everyone said in perfect unison. They turned away from the idiot samurai-never-gonna-be and
returned to watching TV.
Even Kuno couldn't take this and he face-faulted instantly. `I do believe you do not take me seriously.'
Again, the three other men chimed in, `You bet we don't.'
Kuno fell over at that point, stunned at the utter audacity of these. peasants.
At that moment, the three Tendo sisters came in, chatting happily for once. It had been nice to catch up
with each other.
As one, they stopped. They then went through their typical `Uh-oh, here's Ex-Upperclassman-now-
Freshman-Ignoramus' phase. Akane slapped her forehead and prayed for patience. Nabiki whipped out her
wallet. Kasumi. smiled pleasantly.
You could almost hear the different bits of their brains shouting out. `All systems go. Handling-utter-
moron-mode is on. We have ignition. Proceed.' Then, they swept into motion.
At least, they started to. When they got to around 4 or 5 feet away from Kuno, they halted.
Kuno was the only one who noticed this. He was about to launch himself into another of his hugs when
SOMETHING happened.
That something was Nabiki losing her cool totally and rushing him. `Oh, Kuno-baby! I've overlooked you
for all these years! Will you go on a date with me?! Please?! My treat!' She squealed as she grabbed him in
a hug.
Three mouths sprayed rice crackers and tea halfway across the room. Three pairs of eyes widened as they
took in the scene in front of them.
`N-N-Nabiki?!' They chorused. Even the stammering was exactly the same.
That didn't prepare them for the next shock.
`Oh, my dear, big, strong Tatewaki.' Akane blushed girlishly and looked up at Kuno. `W-will you. EEE!
I'm so excited!' Akane gushed before babbling on and on about how she LIVED for him. Then rushed and
tried to hug him over Nabiki.
Ranma's jaw hit the floor with a clang. `Hoo boy. this time I've really overdone the midnight snacks.'
He said before he began pinching himself.
What happened next was enough to shatter even the strongest of minds, even if only for a while.
`GET AWAY FROM HIM, YOU. HUSSIES!' Kasumi growled. Footsteps like an elephant's seemed to
shake the floor as she marched up to Kuno and his admirers. With contempt, she grabbed her two sisters
and threw them aside.
`Phew, at least my Kasumi still has her EEEYAAAH!' Soun's smile fell off his face as he saw Kasumi
kiss Kuno passionately on the lips.
`THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!' The two Saotomes hugged each other. Nabiki, maybe. With a lot of
alcohol and a couple of nasty bumps on the head. Akane, possibly. The girl was a little spunky and flighty.
But KaSuMi?!?! `Angel on earth' Kasumi?!
A full minute later, Kasumi removed her lips from Kuno's. With a sly smile, she pushed him away
playfully. `Oh my. What a big strong man you are.'
Kuno stuttered for a moment before screaming. `AIIEEEE! MINE OWN MANLY CHARM BETRAYS
ME! I MUST FLEE! SAOTOME, ANOTHER TIME!' With that, Kuno turned around and ran through a
wall.
Happosai leapt into the dojo through the hole. His sack of underwear flopped to the floor. His eyes said
one thing: Be afraid. Because I sure am.
`No. not again.' He mumbled. He slowly clenched his fist. `NO! The horror!' Like a building (imagine
a REALLY tiny one) crumbling, he fell to his knees.
`It can't be!' He wept. `The ChaojiHuahuaGonzhiShexiang! NOOO!'
The Saotomes and Soun blinked. `The what?' They really had this chorus thing down pat.
`The ChaojiHuahuaGongzhiShexiang. The Super Playboy Musk. It is the bane of my existence.' He went
into righteous avenger stance, eyes looking up in determination. `When I was a wee lad of eighteen. I
witnessed this. the great enemy of all Chinese Amazons! There once existed a tribe in China, the
Chauvinists tribe, where the men were stronger than wild tigers. They constantly warred with the Chinese
Amazons, and one day. one HORRIBLE day, they discovered this terrible weapon. The SUPER
PLAYBOY MUSK! Oh the horror. the terror.'
MNSH.
Removing his fist from Happosai's face, Ranma asked in a bored way, `Okay, so its BAAAD. What's it
do?'
`The musk would attract any woman who breathed it. She would fall mindlessly in love with the wearer.
But, with one catch. It would reverse the personality of the victim.'
`Wow. so how come the Amazon's are still here? I mean, Shampoo ain't no figment of my imagination.'
`When the Amazons fell under the thrall of the musk, they became. sweet.' Happy shuddered.
`Undeniably, terribly SWEET. And helpless. Totally dependant. Exactly the opposite of what they were.
The Chauvinist Tribe was overjoyed and absorbed the Amazon tribe. Then. it happened.'
`What?' Happosai's two pupils were rooted to the spot.
`All the Chauvinist Tribe men were pestered to death or committed suicide to escape their new women,
and the threat was destroyed. All the remaining True Amazon women absorbed what was left of the
Chauvinist Tribe.'
`TRUE Amazon?'
`If left under the influence of the musk for too long, the change becomes permanent.'
`How long is that?'
`Five hours! It's a horrible thing!'
`So why is it so terrible? I thought you'd LOVE to have women fawning over you.' Kasumi tried to step
on Happosai, but he jumped away just in time.
`Then where's the FUN? It'd be all too easy! This old man still needs his kicks.' Happosai shrugged.
`Happy to oblige.' Kasumi grunted as she tried to kick at the little lecher.
`Oh woe! My fiery women will soon be wilting limpets! No chases! No curses! No FUN!' He bawled.
`Akane! Let me have a good cry in your bosom!' He leapt to Akane.
As usual, Ranma didn't react. Akane can take care of herself.
`But she's not Akane now.' His brain reminded him.
He snapped back to reality. The scene which greeted him was like something out of a nightmare.
Happosai. Snuggling up to Akane.
And Akane. No rages. No screams. No punches. Just. tears?!
`K-K-Kuno. help me. please.' She whispered softly.
POW!
Dusting off his hands, Ranma knelt by Akane's side. Vulnerable, deflated. Not Akane. Just her body.
Someone else was inside. Ranma kept telling himself. Yet he knew he was wrong. This was Akane.
`Ranma. I'm sorry, but I love Kuno. I'm so sorry.' Akane began to cry. Not bawling, no geyser of
tears. Just a quiet sobbing.
`Akane? Don't worry, I'll make everything better.' But inside, Ranma panicked. This was something he
couldn't fight with his fists. A threat to his fian- to Akane. And he had no weapons to fight it with.
`Kuno! I'm not gonna let you destroy my Akane!'

Act three: Trouble! No cure?!!!

At the Nekohaten, Cologne wobbled on her stick. The gas mask was really throwing her off balance. She'd
almost had a heart attack when she realised what she'd inadvertently done. Garlic. HOW could she have
hear it as RELIC?!
`It's s in someone's stomach now. Mousse doesn't know who because he wasn't wearing his glasses.
Shampoo won't tell me because I'll try to cure him.'
She looked over at Shampoo, who had suddenly taken to wearing long, flowing black dresses and staring
out windows while sighing almost continuously. This weak, angst ridden thing was no warrior of the
Amazon tribe. And it was her fault.

Mousse was mortified. He now had papers with question marks on them alongside Ranma's mug shots. On
his target practice dummies. What on earth had THIS pompous idiot done to his Shampoo! All her
cheerfulness was gone. If he heard her sigh one more time, he'd make that. that PLAYBOY become a
PlayGIRL.
`CURSE YOU, WHOEVER YOU ARE!' A dozen small knives flew out of his sleeves. Only one managed
to hit the mark. The others slammed into the wall in a perfect man-shape which looked just like the target.
`I need new spectacles.'

Genma froze. Uh-oh. Here was something he hadn't felt in a long while. Danger. Well, not exactly.
Something was wrong. He turned around. And nearly screamed.
`W-w-wife?!'
Nodoka had had the misfortune to encounter some residual musk. And now. lets just say that Nodoka
WAS a traditional, faithful and honourable woman.
What she was dressed in right now would have succeeded in giving Happosai a nosebleed. It had leather. It
had metal links and chains. It had holes where people normally wished there wasn't. No way was Genma
going to let her go out in THAT.
`Yo, Panda-boy! Do you know where my little Kuno went?'
Silence. then.
TOOM,
TOOM,
TOOM. Grab.
`Hey! Put me down, fatty!' Then Nodoka broke into a grin which usually only Happosai wore. `Then
again, I'm supposed my little samurai won't mind too much.'
However, that was the last thing on Genma's mind. This little twerp had gone too far. Not HIS wife. Not
during his lifetime.
Three minutes later, Genma finished boarding up the guest room. Alright. He knew his wife was strong,
but he wasn't going to risk living the rest of his life with THAT THING. Think Genma. Who has
experience with this kind of nonsense? Apart from the master? There's that old bat at the Nekohaten, and
Dr. Tofu. Genma made up his mind. `RANMA!' He bellowed. The doctor had better be in.

As it turned out, they didn't even need to bother. Dr. Tofu had finally managed to gather up the courage to
come and ask Kasumi out on a date.
`N-now, Betty. Y-you stay here. OK? W-wish me l-luck.' Tofu Ono brushed back his hair again and wiped
his spectacles clean for the thirtieth time. He took the first step in.
`K-K-Kasumi?' I-its me, Tofu.' The doctor almost lost it when the light of his life poked her head out from
the kitchen. Slowly, his glasses began to fog up. `Ah. I-I-I was wondering.'
`What is it, you spineless jellyfish?' She snapped.
The words hit Tofu like a sledgehammer. `W-what?'
`You heard me. What is it this time?!' She fumed, an expression of inarticulate rage on her face.
Tofu's glasses returned to their normal transparency. `I was wondering whether you'd like to go out with
me.' He said uneasily. Something was not right here.
Kasumi laughed. A bark that would have been more appropriate coming from a beast. `Hah! With YOU?!
Get real!' She broke into hysterical laughter.
For Tofu Ono, his world fell apart.
DOOOOOM.
Gathering up what was left of his dignity, he nodded. `I see. Thank you for being straightforward with me.
I won't bother you again, Miss Tendo.' With that, he turned around and walked out.
Outside, he staggered a few steps before slumping beside Betty the skeleton. `Betty. I. I'M SO
SAAAD! WAAAAH!' Tofu hugged his skeleton (no, not the one inside him, the one he always carries
around with him. Honestly, some people.). The world was not a nice place.
`There he is!' Ranma ran up to the bawling doctor. Genma and Soun followed soon after. `Oh no. I guess
he found out about Kasumi already.'
Genma rolled up his sleeves and began shaking the doctor. `Wake up! That wasn't our Kasumi!'
`Huh? What?'
Ranma explained the entire thing in fast forward. A chalkboard came out from nowhere. Diagrams were
scribbled on and charts were plotted. All the while, Ranma went on in speed-talk.
`Kunocomesincrazyasusualbutnothingreallyhappensthenhecomeslookingforrevengeagainstthemalemeandhe
somehowmanagestomakeallthegirlsgonutsoverhimKunogetskickedouttathehouseasusualandtheoldlechcome
sinandstartsbawlingaboutthishorribleSuperPlayboyMuskthingie.' He paused for breath.
`And so we need your help, understand?!' He panted. That short course on Martial Arts speech making
really paid off after all.
Tofu looked at him in silence. Then broke into another bawling fit. `WAAAH! RANMA'S ALSO GONE
CUCKOO! ITS ALL GONE! GONE!'
CLUNK!
Getting up from the floor, Ranma rephrased his lecture. `Super Playboy Musk,
ChaojiHuahuaGongzhiShexiang. Kasumi. Kuno. Got it?'
After a little clarification from the two older martial artists, Doctor Tofu stood up, calm and collected once
more. `We cannot be having this. this musk out there!'
BA-DOOOM!
Soun and Genma suddenly seemed 12 feet tall. `You're right! We'll show that little whippersnapper not to
mess around with us!'
`Uh, that's great Pop. so what do we do?'
`I have absolutely no idea.'
CLUNK!
Everyone except Tofu fell over in disbelief. Clearing his throat, the doctor spoke. `According to what
you've told me, this relic is of Amazon origin, correct? So the most logical place to start would be with the
closest Amazons.'
`The old ghoul!' Ranma snapped his fingers. `C'mon guys, lets go!'

Cologne's stomach growled. It had been way too long since her last meal. But with that idiot running all
over the place, taking off the gas mask would be the last thing she'd do.
`EEEEEE! There he is!..' A number of female voices screamed outside.
BADABADABADA.
The sound of footsteps dying away, Cologne made her way down to her kitchen. Alright, now how did
Elder After-shave do it all those years ago? Was it a little garlic, some mushroom.
Cologne finally snapped. `But you're not supposed to eat the stupid thing! Just rub it on! AAARGH!'
`He ate it!?'
Cologne whipped around. `Oh, its you, son-in-law.'
`Would you QUIT callin' me that?!' Sometimes, Ranma's dialogue could be as predictable as the result of
Akane's cooking.
`Madam, I believe we all share a common goal. The neutralisation of this musk which young Tatewaki
ingested.' Tofu Ono managed to project an air of dignity even while holding a plastic skeleton 5 feet tall.
`Oh, so it's the twit with the overgrown ruler. That makes it easier.'
`What, d'you mean that you didn't know it was Kuno?' Ranma blurted out.
`EEEEEE! He's getting tired!. Faster!. Don't run away darling!'
BADABADABADA.
`With that crowd of girls around him? Not a glimpse of him.'
`But now you know his identity, so you can fix up something for him, right?' Soun sounded very eager.
For rather obvious reasons.
`Alas. no.'
`WHAT?!'
`Boohoo! My little girls are going to be this way forever! WAAAAH!'
`Why not?! This stuff should be chicken-feed for someone like you!' Genma almost shouted.
`Because. the musk is supposed to be applied externally. Like a rub-on deodorant.'
`But dear Kuno eat whole thing! Such tragedy! Shampoo no know who to choose!' Shampoo sighed yet
again from the window.
`Ranma! If you can get my Shampoo back to the way she was, I'm with you!' Mousse looked up from his
wok.
`Aiyaaa! Is great sorrow. Now poor Shampoo have three men to choose from. No know what to do.'
Another sigh.
Ranma finally broke through the hubbub. `So you're saying you don't know how to stop it.'
`Sadly, that is true, son-in-law.'
`Will you QUIT. Aw never mind.'
`Hmm.' Betty scratched Tofu's chin. `But now we can treat it simply as a foreign, undesirable object in
the patient's stomach, correct?'
`I suppose so, doctor. If you have a suggestion, do not hesitate! Only half an hour remains before the
change becomes permanent!'
`If someone can mix up a medicine to neutralise this musk.'
Mousse almost started bawling. `Then my Shampoo can be saved!'
`But what medicine?' Genma pressed.
`From what you've described, the patient seems to have the musk in his stomach. Therefore, we can
assume that it gases from the stomach carry up the windpipe and out from the nose and mouth.' Tofu said
knowledgeably. `In other words, Tatewaki here has an interesting case of early morning breath and
indigestion!'
CLUNK!
After everyone picked themselves off the floor, Ranma almost shook with frustration. `Y'mean to tell me
all we had to do was give him a charcoal biscuit and some mouth wash?!'
`Well, in the essence, yes. But I'm not sure it would be effective against this magical artefact.' Tofu
mused.
Mousse thumped his chest. `WAHAHAHA! This time, I, MOUSSE, shall save the day!'
Ranma's foot somehow got hit by Mousse's face. `Yeah, how's that, ducky?'
Apparently none the worse for wear, Mousse adopted a battle stance. `Heh, witness the true power of the
Hidden Weapon!'
A huge drinks shaker seemed to come out from behind Mousse. `HIDDEN WEAPON: MARTIAL ARTS
BARTENDING! THE JADE EMPEROR DRUNKARD REMOVER!' His hands began to move at speeds
nearing Ranma's. Soap, pepper, eggs and other unidentified ingredients soared into the shaker.
SPLISH,
SPLOSH,
SPLI-SPLI-SPLISH!
As Mousse kicked the shaker into the air, Ranma said in a bored voice, `Uh huh. And how's this gonna
cure Kuno?'
Cologne, however, wasn't as calm. `This is the ultimate move of Martial Arts Bartending. It will purge the
contents of even the most drunken alcoholic's stomach, leaving him with breath like a bunch of roses. And
out of your bar in seconds. After all, anything that pure won't stay in the stomach for long.' She frowned.
`Funny, I don't remember black powder being an ingredient. Not mercury either.'
Mousse finally slammed the shaker back onto the ground, setting kitchen utensils rattling in their places.
He opened the top.
BWA-KOOM!
Turning his now blackened face to the onlookers. He held his fingers out in a V. `P-purr-perfect.' Then
he fell over, his eyes a pair of swirls.
A wonderful smell pervaded the room. Ranma's mouth watered. He jumped to the top of the shaker and
peered inside. `Man, smells good.'
`No! Son-in-law, that is our only weapon against the musk!' Cologne tripped Ranma off the top of the
tumbler.
`What now?' Genma asked no one in particular.
`We hunt down Tatewaki.' Tofu said. `And make sure he takes his medicine like a good young boy.'
Somehow, the sound of him grabbing Betty by the arms was more ominous than that of a mercenary
pumping his shotgun.

Actually, the contents of the monstrous container filled only a small bottle. At least, after the martial artists
hacked and smashed their way through the outer crust which had formed.
Ranma flipped the glowing mineral water bottle through the air. They'd scoured most of Nerima, and now
were at a loss as to where to go next. Then it hit him. `There is only one place we haven't checked yet. The
dojo.'
Soun went into waterfall mode. `My little girls! WAAAH! They're being violated!'
Genma began to sweat. Oh no. please don't let Wife have gotten loose.
The sound of martial artists
leaping from roof to roof filled the air.

`Tendo Akane! At last, you admit your love for me!' Kuno sobbed. He'd managed to lose his horde of
admirers in the dungeons and mazes inside his mansion. And now, his one true love awaited him. Well, one
true love for the moment anyway.
Those of us who've read of Yusaku Godai's misadventures would probably be saying something along the
lines of `That's Akemi's night-gown Akane's wearing!' Oops, let the cat out of the bag too soon.
CRASH!
`Foul Saotome! You are ever the- sister?! Miss Kuonji?!' Deep inside, the tiny portion of Kuno's brain
called Self-preservation said "Oh no."
What the two young women were wearing would have given lemon-fiction writers a really happy time if it
had ever been drawn or animated. They were the sorts of things girls only wear in the sordid dreams of the
most hormonally over-charged adolescent boy.
`I. understand.' Kuno began. `How you all must adore one as magnificent as I. But. my heart.'
`TACHI DEAR!' The two women leapt into the air.
`GAK!' Kuno froze in fear as impending doom soared towards him.
CRASH! (Again)
Ranma smoothly kicked Kuno out of the living room. Straight into the pond. The cold pond.
`Oh no. Hold your breath, Ranma.' He, now a she, said to himself.
He hadn't counted on Kuno giving her a full, passionate kiss the moment they resurfaced.
`Oh, pigtailed girl! Have you too come to declare your love for me too?!' He blubbed as he broke the kiss.
Ranma almost balked. She wanted to punch Freshman Frump out. She wanted to. to. kiss this
WONDERFUL MAN UNTIL HIS LIPS SCREAMED IN AGONY! YES!
The other martial artists arrived just then.
`Son in law!' Cologne cried out in alarm. `Fight it! Only 30 more seconds!'
`No! With Ranma protecting Kuno, we'll never save my little girls!'
28.
Tofu looked at Betty remorsefully. `I'm sorry I have to do this, B-chan. But Kasumi needs us!' He grabbed
the skeleton's left hand and swung it around. Just as his own right hand slammed into its fifth vertebra.
21.
Betty fell to pieces. Literally. Pieces which zipped towards Ranma and her samurai.
WHAPPA,
WHAPPA,
WHAP!
16.
Unerringly, the pieces found their mark and sealed all of her acupuncture points, immobilising her. Kuno,
however, was another matter. He began to stumble to his feet.
10.
`Quick! Get the bottle from son-in-law!'
9.
Soun and Genma rushed forward. The distance seemed terribly long.
8.
Almost there.
7.
Soun wrested the bottle from Ranma's rigid grasp.
6.
A large panda sloshed around in the pond, trying to grab a panicking swordsman.
5.
`Hold him still, Saotome!'
4.
`Unhand me, vile beast! I am -ack!'
3.
Soun slammed the bottle home.
2.
Glug.glug.glug.
1.
Glug.glug.
Everyone froze. Did they make it? Were they on time?
`EEEK! What am I doing in this?!' Akane wrapped her arms protectively about herself.
Everyone sighed. You bet they did. You bet they were.

Things were quieting down. At least, as far as Ranma's life ever quietened down.
The moment they saw Ranma, Kodachi and Ukyo grabbed him. Then Akane tried to uppercut him without
removing her arms from her. assets. It had been. funny to say the least. Then the two girls noticed what
they were clothed in and ran away, cheeks flaming. After slapping Ranma for having `tried to seduce
them'.
`Ranma, what was I like? When I was under that spell?' Akane asked later.
Ranma froze. If he said the wrong thing. it was hammer-time. `Uh. not like you.'
`I know that! But HOW unlike me?'
`Uh. not a. not a. not.' Uh oh. Akane's getting mad. `Not the Akane I know and lo-like!'
They left their celebrating fathers downstairs and went up to their rooms.

Genma paused, his cup in his hand. He had this distinct feeling he'd forgotten something.
EEEEYAH!
Oh yes. That was what it was. Climbing to his feet, he rushed upstairs to the guest room.
Ranma lay on the floor, a huge nosebleed spouting. `M-m-mom.ha-ha.mom.'
`Genma Saotome. You'd better have a VERY good explanation as to why on earth I am dressed like this.'
Genma sighed as he began to untie his wife. This would be another LONG night.

Kuno belched. Another beam of greenish energy lanced from his mouth and incinerated a wall in the toilet.
Whatever it was that man had force fed him, it was fouler far than his sister's most devious concoctions. He
sighed and winced as his stomach rumbled. This would be a LONG night.

End

Okay! Well, that's Chapter 4 done! I'm currently waiting for another idea to hit me.
POW!
Ouch. heeheehee.

Michael Lee

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