Hi,
a few brief comments ##
##Put the title and anime/manga the story is based on
in the subject line.
--- Troy Thomas <silentnova@go.com> wrote:
To: ffml@fanfic.com
Cc: silentnova@go.com
Date: Thr, 25 Nov 1999 12:51:1 -0800 (PST)
Subject: [fanfic]
This is my first post to the ffml, so hello. I am
looking for ways to improve this story, so if you
see anything, help me please?. I'm very timid and
scared (I shame my father, he calls me an ungrateful
son), so don't yell okay?
##^_^ I don't yell. OTOH there are some on the FFML
who regard newbies as chum. (That's the stuff you feed
sharks, NOT friends. ^_~)
Eternal Blue
A fusion fanfic by Troy J. Thomas
The characters in this story, with exceptions, are
creations of others. No
attempt has ever been and no attempt will ever be
made to gain external profits
from these characters. Any growth by the author will
be limited to improved
writing skill and expanded ego (Yeah right!). I
wanted to say something else here, but I just can't
remember...
##please give credit to the creaters of the SPECIFIC
manga/anime whose hard work you are using .
Prologue (First Draft: 1999-11-23)
Every morning Katsuhito Masaki looked out of his
bedroom window to see Atlantis
Lake. His home, also home to his son-in-law,
Nobuyuki, and his grandson, Tenchi,
had possibly the grandest view of the sparkling lake
of all their neighbours.
##The formatting makes reading this VERY difficult. I
always try to check formatting by mailing it to myself
first before mailing to FFML. This sometimes shows
faults in formatting. (I have had some HORRIBLE
formatting problems myself so I sympathize.)
It
was a gift he never took for granted.
This morning seemed no different than any other that
had ever come
before in his
long life. Yet a feeling fluttered in his stomach was
one that he
couldn't
simply ignore. It was the feeling of change.
His entire life had been shaped by change. He tried to
never let it get
him
down, but sometimes he felt as though everything he
had worked was for
nothing.
He tried his best, yet he couldn't bring himself to
accept the fact he
was the
one who brought his entire family to crises that was
close in the
future.
"Whoever said that life was a symphony of sorrow was
correct!" he
chuckled.
##Too many "He felt, he tried, he chuckled" VERY
repetitive and dull.
Not too bad otherwise.
<SNIP>
titles. "Good morning to you too Wedge!" Katsuhito
turned around to
look at the
burly man who had appeared behind him, or in other's
point of view, the
man
Katsuhito had appeared in front of. "I saw my darling
girl for one
quick second
and she, like always, reminded me of the important
things in life!"
##Hmmm, at this point in the story I have no idea what
is going on,
no idea who any of the characters are nor any idea why
I should keep reading.
Of course a large part of this is the formatting. It
makes reading VERY
confusing.
Wedge nodded in agreement. Then a stern looked crossed
his face. "So
Katsuhito,
I wanted to tell you that I caught your two grandsons,
Ranma and Tenchi
trying
to sneak into the Magic Forest again!" He smashed one
of his hands into
the
other. "How many times do I have to tell them to stay
out of there? And
then
that Ranma had the nerve to mouth off to me!" He
chuckled with a hint
of
satisfaction. Obviously he had taught the son of his
greatest enemy a
lesson in
manners never to be forgotten.
##I can surmise two of the manga/anime are Ranma and
No Need for Tenchi (although
which version of Tenchi is problematic. ^_^) However
not every reader is going to be familiar
with the series you are using, especially if you don't
TELL the reader which series you are using.
Katsuhito looked a tad annoyed, but the look quickly
passed from his
face. He
understood all too well Wedge's frustration. "Don't
let them get to you
Wedge,
they're simply over-anxious to begin training again!"
Both men burst
out loud
laughing.
##Ummmm, they don't ACT like "worst enemies."
<SNIP>
Local legend states
##Watch the tense change.
that the people living near the Masaki Shrine had
to donate
money to keep the monster sealed underneath to keep it
in check.
Unfortunately
for the local residents who were believers, Tenchi and
Ranma, who
ironically
enough were priests in training, weren't as religious
as they were, so
the two
boys had time and time again tried to break into the
Shrine's sealed
room all in
the name of adventure.
##Ouch. THIS is a very convoluted sentence. At the
very least break it
into two(or more) shorter peices.
<SNIP>
##Hmmm. So far reasonably interesting. However the
writing itself is
relatively bland. I suggest going through and cutting
out the fat. IMO it's better to
weave the explanatory text INTO the action. You've got
to grab the readers
attention EARLY. You have a LOT of competition on the
net. ^_^
In the past week alone, Katsuhito had serviced two
weddings. The look
of joy on
the peoples' faces that were involved was contagious
and had kept the
mood of
the shrine upbeat for days afterward.
##Nice idea. Again, needs to be integrated into the
story. this reads as if it's just dropped
into the story as an afterthought.
Unfortunately over the past week, Ranma and Tenchi had
upped their
attacks on
the Shrine's sealed door quickly turning the joyous
mood into a sour
one.
Katsuhito had taken a warped pleasure from watching
them run around
trying to
complete the extremely difficult task he had set them
out to do as
punishment.
##What's the task? Instead of having a narrator TELL
us, why not SHOW Ranma/Tenchi running around DOING.
There is FAR too much narration and not enough action
thus far. IMO you could cut 90% of what has been
written thus far. At the very least it should be
broken up and mixed into more action. It is VERY
difficult to carry off a great deal of straight
narration.
<SNIP>
the forest, Wedge was too stubborn and loyal to the
government to even
listen to
such a proposition.
He had to come up with another way to let the boys
sneak into the
forest.
"Perhaps if I were to distract him, maybe I could
involve Genma in this
plan."
Katsuhito chuckled. Of course Genma wouldn't know he
was being involved
in a
plan at all. "Slip Genma a bit of information about
Wedge having an
excellent
lunch�Genma will most definitely serve a most useful
purpose!"
##Much better. Still too much narration but at this
point you are giving more information
for less narration. You're still taking much too long
to get to the point.
<SNIP>
People often thought of Ranma as an exact duplicate of
his father until
he had
saved a young girl from a weak forest monster and
demanded nothing in
return.
Then people realised they had misjudged the boy and
took him into their
hearts.
But as honourable as Ranma was, he had a streak of
mischief in him and
often
ended up in compromising situations with girls in his
age group.
Although Katsuhito stressed Ranma's innocence,
people's opinion of him
seemed to
be that he is an okay kid with a perverted side that
could be
eliminated only if
he had a girlfriend. Katsuhito belted out a laugh at
the thought,
Ranma's
parents had quite a surprise in store for him that
would soften
people's
opinions of his perverted side. Katsuhito really
wanted to see the look
on the
poor boys face in two days time when they would
finally make good on a
promise
made sixteen years ago.
##I would <snip> this but I want to make a point.
Again, you are being VERY
heavy handed. Don't TELL the reader . . .SHOW them.
Write a scene SHOWING
Ranma being honorable. At this point you've written 7
pages and we haven't seen
ANYBODY actually doing anything. (There was that very
brief bit at the first but it was
soooooo long ago)
<SNIP>
##OK, this SOUNDS interesting. However the entire
thing reads like
author notes or a summary of a story.
For gosh sakes STOP with all the narration. Take the
time to actually write
about all the things the narrator is talking(thinking)
about. Otherwise weave bits and pieces
of it into action later on in the story. SHOW these
things. As a reader I'd like to SEE Ranma/Tenchi
trying to break into the shrine, sneak into the woods,
doing honorable things. I'd like to SEE Genma stealing
lunch, distracting Wedge, etc. There are some
definite possibilities
for a REALLY NICE story here. As it stands it's NOT a
story, it's a story summary.
Give title and anime/manga sources in subject line.
AND please give proper credit to the
original authors/creators in the disclaimer.
Good Luck.
Happy Thanksgiving
=====
When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
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