Subject: [FFML] Re: [FFML][Ranma][Fanfic]Much Ado 11: Merchants of Ve ngeance
From: "Miller, Bert" <bert.miller@unisys.com>
Date: 11/7/1999, 12:33 AM
To: "'Gary Kleppe'" <kleppe@execpc.com>
CC: "'ffml@fanfic.com'" <ffml@fanfic.com>

Thanks for the comments!  Substantial criticism like this will
help me out quite a bit.

Gary Kleppe [mailto:kleppe@execpc.com] wrote:
Bear in mind that I haven't read the previous parts of this, though I
did read the summary of them at the end. Still, I might be missing
things that I ought to know.

Not much, apparently.

"Miller, Bert" <bert.miller@unisys.com> wrote:

"I still think it sucks, working on the Emperor's Birthday,"
Ranma commented, as he fired a Mouko Takabisha while upside
down, at the top of the arc of his somersaulting leap.

"It's not a holiday here in Singapore, Ranma-sama," replied
Kodachi as she danced across the heads of the lumbering,
misshapen monsters.

Some more description would help this scene, I think. I'm not really
picturing the surroundings, and only have a vague idea what 
the monsters look like.

Good suggestion; I'll work on it.

"I can, Ranma-sama, and your plan is sound, except that Ukyou-san
needs to stay down with you.  You may need the extra distraction,
and she, unlike myself, is fast enough to stay out of the
monsters' clutches."

Ukyo is faster than Kodachi? Doesn't seem right to me, unless it's
because of something that happened in an earlier chapter. Kodachi's a
gymnast, while Ukyo's focused mainly on weapons training.

The one thing you missed from not reading the previous episodes.
(Akane, Ukyou, and to a lesser extent Shampoo have been physically
enhanced by Happosai's ki-recharge technique.  Kodachi hasn't.)


Ranma snorts.  >She didn't have much chance.  They kept us

snorted (past tense)

AARRRGGHH!  And I read through this thing completely, twice,
just before sending it!

<snip repetitions of same mistake on my part>

<snip some other grammatical mistakes>

On Christmas Day, Ranma, Akane, Ukyou, Daisuke, and Yuka stood by
the hospital bedsides, watching Hiroshi and Sayuri undergo drug
detoxification.  Ranma had an arm around Akane.

Again, some more description would help us picture this. What did the
detox look like?

Again, good suggestion.  I'll work on it.  I had a picture in mind
(unconscious H & S lying flat on beds, getting blood replacement),
but didn't write it out.

Yuka blushed, then muttered, "addictive candy panties.  Guys

"Addictive (caps)

I went back and forth on this.  It certainly LOOKS better in caps,
but I kept thinking official grammar says to go in lower case,
as it's a continuation of a sentence.

<snip some spelling and grammar mistakes>

Jason's fingers slid over Nabiki's back and sides, stroking her
exactly where she liked it.  She felt his warm breath on the back
of her neck.  Jason nibbled her ear, causing her to shiver.

"It would be really interesting to see such a thing.  Think you
could arrange it?"  Jason whispered.

Jason's being awful obvious about this. Considering that this 
is Nabby,
not someone gullible like Ryoga, it's hard to understand why 
she doesn't
see through it. Maybe showing her feelings from her own POV and going
into some detail on how this guy makes her feel would help. She's
obviously taken with the guy, but we don't really get to see 
WHY. Maybe
it was shown in previous parts, but it's not at all clear 
from this what
the attraction is and why she doesn't just see through his act.

Well, it wasn't really SHOWN in previous parts, just alluded to,
in foreshadowing fashion.  I was so focused on making sure the
reader gets it that I neglected verisimilitude, considering that
it IS Nabiki.  I'll see if I can't strengthen this a bit.


"Mmmmmm...."  Happosai wrapped both arms around himself clockwise.

"MMMMMM...."  Happosai re-wrapped his arms around himself counter-
clockwise.

"MMMMMMMMM!"  Happosai lept into the air and floated gently down,
horizontally, radiating sheer bliss.

As he landed, "More!  More!"  he pleaded, on his knees.

I think it'd be interesting to go deeper into Happosai's thoughts and
feelings here -- to show from his own viewpoint how the drug is
affecting him.

;) What, no mention of the cartoon allusion?  Anyway, good idea.
This is the sort of thing that will really improve the story.


   Nabiki found herself standing naked next to a large lake,
   at night.  A half moon lit the lake and the steep, forested
   mountains surrounding it.  A chill breeze blew through her
   hair and across her skin, raising goosebumps.

   Somewhere a wolf howled, but the sound did not frighten
   her.  Something within her felt like responding with a
   howl of her own.  She smiled, showing teeth.

   Something large surfaced in the lake, moonlight glinting
   off the rivulets which flowed over the reptilian skin.
   A pair of eyes, each larger than her head, gazed at
   her, assessingly.

I like this scene... a good counterpoint to the talkiness of 
the rest of
the fic, and expresses Nabiki's character development well.

Thanks.  I was experimenting a bit in this episode with stylistic
changes (obviously), and it's nice to know that this part worked.


   Nabiki smiled as she raised the knife,

only to awaken suddenly, in bed at home, drenched in sweat.

The formatting here is a bit odd. I know it's meant to show 
Nabs waking
up from the dream, but you might want to throw in ellipses or 
something
so it doesn't look so much like an error.

Ellipses...   Good idea; I will.


As Shampoo raised her bracelet and its gleaming jewel to her eyes,
Cologne continued.  "Go upstairs and lie down, child.  Close your
eyes and think about your fellow wives, specifically Ukyou.
Instead of speaking to her with your mind, just listen to her
thoughts.  Let your thoughts flow with hers, until you can
perceive her feelings, and the fleeting images which pass through
her mind when words and ideas occur to her.  Then suggest to her
the dichotomy "honne" and "tatemae", real feelings and official

Use single quote marks for quotes within quotes: 'honne'

Right; I should've caught that one too.


"Lil Cologne," Happosai smiled, stopped eating.  He looked down
at what he held and shuddered.  A cocky smile started to cross his
face, but another shudder took him.  Sweat started to pour off his
body.  A fit of shivers took him.

Try to be less repetitious with the wording. Two shudders and 
two "took
him"s here.

You're certainly right about the two "took him"s.  I'll see if I
can't think of a synonym for the second "shuddered"; maybe kill
the last sentence and just have "face, but a fit of shivers took
him." ?


"MOUKO TAKABISHA REVISED:  TWIN ICE TIGER STORM!"

Two icy balls of solid air shot from Ranma's hands.  Happosai's
dragon swirls, attracted by Ranma's ki, followed.  Each pair of
attacks collided with the whirlwind on opposite sides of Happosai.
Twin mid-air explosions dispersed the whirlwind.  Happosai began
to fall.  Ranma was waiting when Happosai landed.

Interesting variations on the standard Ranma techniques in this scene.

Thanks; I tried.


"Well done, Son-In-Law," approved Cologne, suddenly standing next
to Ranma.  "At least two special attacks invented on the spur of
the moment, as well as mixing up the ones you already knew so
Happi couldn't predict your next move."

"I can handle Happi's detoxification from here," she continued

Grammatical nitpick: If the same speaker continues through two
successive paragraphs, don't use an end quote mark at the end of the
first, but do keep the opening quote mark in the second.

Hadn't heard that one.

<clip description and compliment>


I called up a couple of people I knew, high-school classmates, to
get the guy's address.  Hopped a cab to get there.  Almost tipped
the driver, then remembered I wasn't in an American movie.
Felt silly.

Heh.

"Please..." Gosunkugi moaned.  "All right, yes; I did.  I've got
the money here in my pocket.  Where and when do I pick up the next
one?"  I could almost feel the poor guy figit; must have it real

fidgit, I think.

That looked wrong to me, but I couldn't think of how else to
spell it, and I don't have a dictionary handy just now (on the
road, curse it, though I do seem more productive writing-wise
this way; fewer distractions, I suppose.)  But your way looks
right.


I saw her leap down to the street from a ten-story roof
and stroll over.  One of the infamous Officeladies, bane
of the professional police.  In this case, however, one to
whom I owed the real credit for a few of my hardest cases.

Who's narrating here?

Is it really that distracting, not having the narrator's
identity for a few paragraphs?  If so, I'll have to work on
that.  Perhaps an introductory sentence about supervising
the investigation.


That night, Kodachi, in her astral body, stuck her head down
through the ceiling of Ranma and Akane's bedroom.  She
watched the two of them sleeping there for a long time, without
moving.  Nonmaterial teardrops formed and flowed down her
cheeks.  (Ranma-sama looks so happy lying there with Akane,
happier even than when he's with Ukyou or Shampoo.  I might
force my way into his harem or seduce him in a moment of
weakness; I know I could.  But would he ever be this happy with
me?  No, he would not; I know that now.)

This is a lotta good character development. You may want to 
stretch this
out a little, maybe into two or three paragraphs. Also, maybe this is
just a personal preference, but I'd suggest trying to cut down on the
explicit quoting of thoughts in the first person. A lot of 
these can be
worked into the third person narrative, and IMO it usually flows more
snoothly that way.

A lot can, and you're right, it's smoother when you do, but sometimes
I just can't get that to work.


The plot is interesting; it seems quite well thought through, with a
fair number of twists and turns. The level of descriptive detail could
stand to be higher -- with the dream sequences as notable exceptions,
the whole thing seems a little too talky.

Well, probably all my stuff (so far) is that way; I did start with
script format.  I'll work on the description in the areas you mention.
Generally, though, I think giving background exposition, for instance,
as quoted speech is more interesting than as narrative.  So I'm
consciously trying to be talky, to some degree.

But I'm always in search of new things to try...

Again, thanks for the comments.


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