Warning: Any reference to actual characters, living, dead, un-dead, or
diefied, aren't intended or should be inferred. I have nothing else to
say.
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spamfic #666: kasumi in hell
by nikholas "mayhem" f. toledo
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����� One day, very many years from now, after she had lived a long and
happy life (so all the Kasumi fans won't get mad) Kasumi died. She was
supposed to go to heaven (of course she is!), but the Yggdrasil system
was in reverse peristalsis again (it had watched too many episodes of 7th
Heaven), and Kami-sama, who drove out with his red '79 Volkswagen, was
once again playing doctor. Because of these and may other factors that
had absolutely no connection to this event, Kasumi took a wrong turn and
ended up in you-know-where.
����� Of course hell isn't just the fire and brimstone that everyone had
grown up with. Part of hell has been completely modernized and looked a
lot like New York City. There were also a lot of pens, parking spaces and
other miscellaneous stuff (like bologia sandwiches, babushkas, wives) in
hell. You see, whenever someone on earth says "where the *hell* is my
*object in search of*!!!" and never finds it, it ends up in that place.
For example, "where the hell is New York!" "where the hell are my
pacemaker batteries!" "where the hell is my spleen!" "where the hell is
my wife!" All the aformentioned ends up there.
����� (The reader would note that a certain character in the Ranma1/2
series does scream once in a while "where the hell am I now!!!" but that
is another story...)
����� Anyway, when Kasumi arrived in hell, all the demons were waiting at
the "abandon all hope, all ye who enter" gate (which was next to the
"enjoy hell... you'll have to!" entrance gate) with their various torture
devices, exercise machines and barney videos in anticipation of a new
plaything as they were wont to do. They loved to hear a soul scream in
anguish upon seeing New York and all the things they lost, and even more
when they saw the fires of hell.
����� But all Kasumi did as she passed through was smile and say...
����� "What a nice warm and cozy place this is!"
����� All of hell facefaulted (which created Stonehenge, for some strange
reason). They got even more scared when Kasumi took out a broom (from
somewhere) and began sweeping the floor. Of course they just let her,
thinking that she was some kind of mental psycho who must have spilled
the blood of hundreds with that broom. So they went on with their regular
duties of torturing souls and making exercise videos.
����� Then the spot that Kasumi was cleaning grew green with grass and
sprouted flowers.
����� Although there was no ruling about this in hell (the only rule in
hell was not to follow any rules, which was not followed) this was still
considered to be a wanton breach of regulations and Mr. Satan himself
decided to do something about the new tenant. "She's psycho enough to
conquer all of hell itself!!!"
����� First, the three-headed dog Cerberus (whose body was as big as a
league but was just as tall as your knee) was sent to attack Kasumi. It
foamed and frothed in the mouth, and some of the demons actually shivered
at the thought of Kasumi being (*anime profanity*). With a mad rush that
shook hell, he went rampaging across hell to Kasumi's garden spot.
����� He found Kasumi watching Lassie videos (where she got that, nobody
knows).
����� Now Cerberus was a very lonely dog. All dogs did go to heaven and
he was stuck there. All he wanted to do was make friends. Curious, he
decided to postpone the mangling and watched the video with Kasumi. He
finally learned how to be a good dog, and with Kasumi's help, began to
make Lassie films of his own (with each of his three heads a different
actor).
����� Mr. Satan got even scared when he saw Cerberus' tail waging. Times
were getting desperate (and it was bad publicity to have flowers in
hell). With a snap of his fingers, he sent 13 of hell's elite, the
hellspawns, evil souls who used to pillage and burn villages of old,
secretaries who never took down appointments, stupid crank callers that
never gave up calling even when caller IDs came about and people who make
the worst Cappuccino in all of man's history. With a mad rush even
greater than that of Cerberus, and a loud roar that didn't do anything
because everyone was already deaf, they carved a path through the fires
of hell (and even through New York, creating Mt. Kilimanjaro for some
unknown reason), and rushed up hell's green spot. But because of all the
carving they did, they were very tired when they reached Kasumi's spot.
����� "Would you like to have some tea?" Kasumi offered as they stumbled
across the last few steps (where she got it, no one knows).
����� The thirteen hellspawns looked at each other and suddenly bawled
out, crying. They had never experienced any kind of kindness there whole
lives and Kasumi's one act of kindness pierced through the wall of hate
that they had had for villagemen, employers, telephone users and coffee
drinkers. (And Kasumi's tea smelled so good.) From that time on, the
thirteen dedicated themselves to following Kasumi's every whim (which
involved cleaning and washing and gardening and feeding Cerberous) and
began calling themselves Kasumi's Mob Squad. The garden in hell grew by
leaps and bounds after the incident, and parts of New York started to
look like a real decent city.
����� Mr. Satan's jaw dropped all the way upwards when he heard about
this (hell is below the earth's center of gravity). In a final rage of
anger (done in the professional hellish anger method, the standard way a
demon should act at all times) he called for all the souls in hell to
depose the evil monster that was carving heaven out of hell.
����� With a mighty roar, all the souls stood up, picked Mr. Satan and
bodily threw him out of the 'You should have followed what your mom told
you' gate together with a purple dinosaur nobody wanted in hell anyway.
Everyone joined Kasumi in cleaning up hell and after that, hell started
to become a rather good place to live in, and thus was not hell anymore
but somewhere between San Fransisco on a good day and Paris on a Tuesday
afternoon with sunny skies.
����� All of existence went into an uproar over the events that
transpired in hell, now known as the KLPC Zone or Kasumi's little portion
of Creation (formerly known has hell^H^Hck).
����� In heaven, all of the elect made a picket line in front of the
Pearly Gates, demanding tea and brooms and smiley-faced T-shirts which
had inexplicably vanished over the course of the last few afterlife-days
(which is the equivalent of a Galactic standard diurnal, about the time
it takes for a byte to mature and give birth to hyperpowered teenaged
soccer players). St. Peter's rooster began to lose feathers from the
stress (causing the last ice age, again for some unknown reason) and
started to horde several tons of chocolate covered muffins which were
confiscated by the Galactic Police on a swift raid on a downtown
warehouse on one of the moons of Plocia V.
����� The organization of multiuniverses called the event a double
redundancy and invested in pizza pie parlors and barber shops that gave
massages.
����� Purgatory had no comment over the entire situation, according to a
local sheriff, since they were too busy with the StarCraft competition
that had everyone so riled up and chained to their seats just to nuke the
blasted guy who keeps saying 'wha-who!' everytime a Protoss Arbiter died.
����� Back on earth: Death, after hearing the news, simply gave it up and
became a hula dancer in Hawaii, and the Brazilian rain forest followed as
backup singers. The band was last seen at the top of that-rather-large-
volcano-in-Hawaii's-largest-island-that-everyone-has-seemed to-forgot-
the-name-of mountain doing a music video for the fourteenth flavor of
Coca Cola (they skipped thirteen cause it was bad luck).�
����� Rave groups all over London and in the downtown Vladivostok area
crowded the local subways and had themselves run over by trains and
jumped off tall buildings, calling it the coolest thing since curd
chewing was invented. CNN covered the event, as usual, gaining 12 billion
euro from just the merchandising (hula-dancing-scythe-carrying-walking-
talking-dolls beat the great champion Barbie on a recent survey of
environmental awareness), and 18th Century Fox got the movie rights, with
Megumi Adler (the daughter of the two great voice actors if the 20th
century, Charlie Adler (voice of Cow, Chicken and the Red Guy) and Megumi
(who you already know)) doing the voice of Kasumi.
����� 743 new internet sites were uploaded for the event, and movement in
cyberspace was hampered by intermittent showers mostly in the late
afternoon with winds blowing from the southeast. One fanfic, entitled
"Spamfic #666: Kasumi in hell" was made in the occasion of the event and
the author is currently being chased by a mob carrying torches to the
ends of the earth, since Kasumi had absolutely nothing to do with the
last half of the fic, and is currently unavailable for comment.
����� Bill Gates made another million from the entire event somehow. He
always does.
����� Several unmentioned aliens were so miffed that they time traveled
to the edge of the universe to create their own verision of the story,
with Cerberus played by Lassie (with a bit of CG, they were able to
recreate the three heads).
����� Things got so bad that the guy in charge of the Whole General Sort
of Mishmash, a lazy stock broker who fell asleep one Thursday afternoon
when trading was slow in the Zimbabwe stock exchange and thus dreamed the
universe (and is currently dreaming of himself dreaming of the universe),
turned on his side and almost woke up. In a sudden state of panic, the
Yggdrasil system, the cosmic computer that is a descendant of the
stalwart Macintoshes, made its way through the last few bits of bad
daytime TV shows and managed to get itself back on-line, finding a
solution to the whole problem in the nick of time.
����� Following Yggdrasil's suggestions, day tours of the KLPC Zone were
made open to the general public, which was converted to a theme park
which sold healty nutritious snacks instead of the teeth-murdering sugar
bombs most theme parks sell. And for those pesky humans, a Lost and Found
Department was formed, were people could go whenever they lost something.
Although first they'll have to say, "Where in the KPLC (pronounced as
KPLC) is my *lost object*!" and they'll find it there. As for the bad
people, since people didn't die anymore, NASA just sent them out into
space carrying only a towel and several pounds of M&M's to explore
strange new worlds and all that.
����� It was found out that Kasumi's Mob Squad, former hellspawns
that... well you know all about it... were actually very good stand up
comedians, and they made their own Seinfeld episodes that was broadcast
over W-HECK TV, giving the Popeye show a run for its money. Kasumi, for
that matter was named as Queen of the Underworld, which was a good thing
at that point in time. Cerberus had puppies (she was a girl!) and
Kasumi's house was filled with adoring people looking at three-headed
puppies some of which strangely looked like former Chicago gangsters
turned school bus drivers.
����� As for the two guys who're supposed to be in charge, this is what
happened: Mr. Satan was bummed out and walking along the alleyways of
downtown Dusseldorf when he was run over by a red '79 Volkswagen. The
owner of the said vehicle jumped out and, to Mr. Satan's surprise, the
guy who stepped out turned out to be spectacle-wearing Kami-sama himself.
And since all of the demons were busy playing house and all the angels
were busy ruining the NERV annual corporate barbeque, all that happened
with that fated meeting was a small farting noise generated by an
unknowing passer-by. Since nothing did happen, the two got to talking and
realized that they came from the same Jr. High school. From that time on
Armaggedon, is being waged at a small corner bowling alley Friday
evenings with Kami-sama leading over Mr. Satan 8-6.
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