Thanks to Ammadeau, Donny Cheng, Alan Harnum, Richard Lawson,
and the C*B*L for pre-reading duties.
Characters belong to Gainax, and they need the money more than I
do probably - unless they get audited for fun.
P A G E S
by Lara Bartram
---------------
Page 55
If not for the current circumstances, Yui might have been
inclined to think Gendo looked almost handsome. The dark
clothing looked much better on him than the white lab coat he
wore every day.
But that was one of the many things she wasn't thinking
much about. The only thing she was consciously aware of was how
many people she had thanked for their offered condolences, and
to just keep saying the words and bowing her head.
The voice of her father performing similar duties filtered
in through the myriad voices, and she vaguely wondered what was
going through his mind. Was he numb like she was, or was he
ready to break down at a moment's notice?
And there was Gendo sitting next to her, holding her hand
tightly, his expression grim, never speaking a word. If only
she could manage that, to look grim, to feel... something, but
it was as if every bit of life, emotion had been sucked out of
her; nothing mattered any longer.
None too soon the chore ended and the well-wishers left,
leaving the house silent, but Yui remained seated and generally
unresponsive.
"Take her upstairs. Her room is at the end of the hall.
We... never..."
Gendo looked up at the older man and nodded. It was plain
to see the venerable head of the Ikari clan didn't like him
much, but then... his daughter was being taken away from him.
Gendo found it hard to begrudge the man for it.
"Come on, Yui," he said quietly, his voice sounding very
loud in the empty house. With one hand on her elbow and the
other on her back, he guided her to a standing position and led
her upstairs.
"We can stay as long as you want," he whispered, trying to
reassure her, trying to get any response at all. "If you don't
feel like going back home..."
"I just want to sleep." Yui's voice was like that of a
ghost, a whisper.
"Then you can sleep. Here." In the bedroom, still
decorated like a teenager's, Gendo helped her lie down and
covered her. She immediately turned away from him, but remained
deathly still otherwise.
Sighing unhappily, he left the room, shut the door, and
headed back downstairs. What a way to start off the week.
"You're too old for her."
"As I've been told before. Would you mind if I had a
drink?"
"Be my guest."
Gendo walked past Yui's father to the refrigerator.
Inside, he grabbed the first thing that was cold and alcoholic.
Ignoring the critical and slightly disapproving stare he was
receiving, he opened it and drank almost half before pausing.
"My wife didn't like you."
"A shame. She was a lovely lady. Yui talked about her
quite a bit." He finished his drink and looked his would-be
father-in-law in the eye. "I'm going to marry her. You can't
do anything about that."
"I can't stop her; she'll do what she wants... But I
swear, you hurt her, I get one call from her, and I will hunt
you down and remove everything that is vital to your existence."
Gendo looked at him calmly. "Don't threaten me; it
wouldn't work even if I thought you could carry that out. The
only thing vital to my existence is Yui."
"She's the only thing I have left."
"She's the only thing I have. Hurting her would be
like..."
"Hurting you? Yes, that's something I'd expect a man like
you to say."
"Hurting her would be like killing me. You have no idea
how much she means to me. Don't presuppose to tell me whether
I'm right for her or not." Gendo's tone was firm and
unyielding, but not nasty. There was no need to foster any more
bad blood than there already was between them.
"It's too soon. It won't go over well."
Gendo finally looked away and sighed. "I... don't know.
Maybe, but... there's something to going on with life. Move on
or... baby the situation. I don't think Yui wants to be coddled
or protected."
"I... agree. I just don't see how this can go on the
way..."
"It used to be? Nothing is ever 'the way it used to be'.
In the end, she'll be stronger for making it through this. Stop
trying to protect her."
"You know nothing about being a parent. If I ever end up
with a grandchild, I hope Yui has enough sense not to leave the
child in your care."
Mouth curved into a frown, Gendo just looked out the
window at the trees and the sun and their false cheeriness.
---
Page 56
"You look fabulous! It's not too tight, is it?"
Yui shook her head.
"Oh, this is just perfect!" Chisa stood back, hands on
hips and shook her head. "Does he know what he's getting in
this deal?"
That brought a ghost of a smile to Yui's lips. "Yes, he
does," she said quietly.
"Well there goes the honeymoon." Chisa went back to
straightening Yui's dress. "I know I'll never look this good in
a wedding dress, not that 'Hiko would notice even if I did," she
said, just prattling on. "I swear, he couldn't even pass basic
math unless I was there to tell him how to do long division."
Yui wasn't listening though. There was still an emptiness
in her that left her listless and incommunicative, even to
Gendo. She had been plagued by nightmares as well, though they
were far worse when she woke up. That was when she had to face
the fact that she had only been dreaming.
"I don't know if I can go through with this," she said
abruptly. "I want to, but at the same time..."
Chisa put a hand on her shoulder. "I'm not going to tell
you whether you should or shouldn't, but I will tell you this:
I'm your best friend, and you're mine, and I love you. And he
loves you too."
"He has a name. He's not a bad guy, unlike popular
opinion."
"Fine. I love you, your father loves you, and Gendo loves
you. We all want to see you happy, so do whatever makes you
happy, marriage or not."
"Gendo would kill me, and then Dad would kill Gendo," Yui
mused.
"I don't think you're giving him enough credit. He's
smart; I don't think he'd get mad at you for it. This isn't an
easy time at all." For some reason, Chisa could never come up
with any helpful wisdom for her own life.
"I had been saving this too. I wanted it to be a surprise
for my m... mother."
Chisa grimaced and put her arm around Yui, who had started
to cry again. "She knows. She can see," she said quietly,
offering a tissue.
Somehow, Yui managed to laugh a little. "You know,
sometimes I'm fine. I don't think about it, and then it's like
someone just taps me on the shoulder." She blew her nose and
looked upwards. "I just want things to be normal again."
Chisa sighed, offering another tissue. "I don't think
they ever were."
"Get me out of this," Yui said suddenly. "I can't stand
to wear this right now." Doing anything to impress anyone
seemed so... pointless. It was so fleeting, just like
everything else about life.
"Yui, your work is suffering."
The words she had been waiting for really. She was
actually surprised they hadn't come sooner. "I know. It's just
been a very difficult time."
"Of course it has, and I know how busy you are, so I've
let it go, but... we need your dedication in the here and now."
Yui looked up at the man, his sympathetic, pitying eyes
looking down on her... She missed Professor Fuyutsuki and found
it odd that he had declined to join the move to the Seele
facilities, where all people and resources could be pooled. "I
know. I'm trying to get back into things, but it's difficult."
"Of course. I don't mean this as a reprimand or anything,
but we really do need your input and full concentration."
Yui nodded then stood. "I'll... do my best." She exited
the office quickly and ran right into Gendo. She sagged against
him, barely stopping herself from crying. "I just want to go
home," she said in a shaky voice. "I hate this place. It makes
me think of a prison."
From the outside, she had a very valid point. Bland,
featureless, and almost completely windowless, the buildings
were state of the art anonymity. That didn't make coming to
work each day a pleasant experience. "Let's take a break, have
some tea."
Yui nodded and started down the hall to the lounge. "This
all couldn't have happened at a worse time, could it?" she
asked.
"I don't think so," replied Gendo, knowing there probably
was a worse time for Yui or anyone else to collapse.
In the well-appointed lounge, Gendo ignored the others
looking at them curiously and made Yui sit on one of the
couches. "I'll be right back with the tea." Crossing the
lounge, for the briefest moment, his eye was caught by that of a
woman. He looked away quickly, but couldn't help to glance
again when he felt her gaze linger on him.
---
Page 57
"She looks pretty broken up."
Gendo nodded, finishing off a little cup of water.
"It must be hard."
Gendo finally looked at the woman, crushing the cup in his
hand. There was something about her tone that he didn't like at
all. "That's life. Life is hard," he answered stiffly.
She smiled at that and spared a glance back at Yui. "It's
always nice to have someone to turn to in the middle of the
night. Don't you think?"
Looking at Yui, vaguely hearing the woman speak, Gendo
nodded. The touch of her hand on his own turned his attention
to her though. "And is there a point to your rambling?" he
asked, looking at her with a cold gaze, completely opposite of
what he had been directing at Yui.
"Oh... nothing. If you ever..." Her voice lowered so it
could only by heard by the two of them. "Get tired of the
school girl..." The invitation was left unspoken.
"Don't touch me, don't look at me, don't look at Yui, and
don't talk about her." Gendo's hand clamped down on the wrist
of his "co-worker" and pulled her hand off him. He gave her one
last withering look before grabbing the tea he had prepared and
returned to Yui with it.
"What was wrong?" Yui asked, taking a glass of tea.
"Nothing," Gendo answered tersely, his forehead creased.
"Don't lie. What was that about?"
Resisting the urge to look back at the woman, Gendo shook
his head. "She thought I would find her more appealing than
you."
In a small voice, Yui said, "Oh," and sipped her tea.
"We're going to get married in less than two weeks, Yui.
If someone tried to change my mind about that, they'd find that
they were far too late." He set his tea down, then put his
hands over hers, warming them. "Don't think I would be swayed
so easily."
Yui nodded, but stared at the steam rising from her glass.
"I know, but..."
"You know, but you're not sure. It's fine, Yui." Gendo
smiled, trying to get her to look at him. "I felt that way
before too, you know. I know what it's like."
"I... I don't think I should come back here. I don't know
if I can do the work. It's all too much..."
"No, it's not too much. I just want you to take it easy.
Once the time actually rolls around, you'll feel better. It'll
be one less thing to worry about. And when the semester is
over, it'll be one less thing to worry about. See how it
works?"
"It still doesn't make me feel any better."
There was a soft knock on the door. "Come in," he said
without looking up.
"Professor..."
He looked up in surprise. "Yui, I wasn't expecting you."
"I know. If this is a bad time, I can go."
"No, no." He stood, looking flustered. "Come in, sit
down. I was just in the middle of some paperwork." He watched
her as she shut the office door and sat in the chair in front of
his desk. The distress on her face was clear. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," she answered at first, then her hands tightened
on her bag and she looked down. "Everything. I... I really
wish you had moved with us. It's not the same without you."
Hope soared irrationally in his heart, but he restrained
it. "I'm sorry, Yui. It just wasn't right any longer. Not for
me, but you... You still have a lot to do, a long way to go."
Yui nodded, but stayed quiet.
"I... was very sorry to hear about your mother," Fuyutsuki
said awkwardly.
Again she nodded. "The flowers were very nice."
"I'm sorry I wasn't able to make it."
"Don't apologize. It wasn't pleasant and I'm glad you
didn't see me like that." She lifted her head and looked right
at him with reddened eyes. "Professor, will you please be at
the wedding? Please..."
Heart sinking, Kozo looked at Yui's grief-stricken face.
"Of course I will be," he said quietly, feeling utterly crushed.
---
Page 58
"You look beyond great." Chisa smiled, holding Yui's
hands. "Are you ready?"
Yui shook her head. "Not at all. Take my place."
Chisa laughed. "No way. He's your choice, not mine. Now
don't be nervous; you look better than anyone else here."
Giving Yui a thumbs up, not wanting to ruin anything with a hug,
Chisa went to take her seat with the other few guests.
Her father, dressed in his best suit, took a moment to
talk with her. "Yui..."
"No, Dad. Don't talk to me about this now. It's too
late. I just..."
"Yui, I just wanted to say... I love you and... good luck.
I hope you're happy with him." He smiled, somewhat awkwardly,
and just looked at her. "You look wonderful; I'm sad to see you
grow up so soon."
Yui sniffled before hugging him, not caring how it might
wrinkle or muss her dress. "Thank you. This is the most
important day in my life."
Patting her back, her father did his best to control his
own emotions. "I should go sit down so we can get this
underway."
"Okay, Dad."
The two maintained the hug.
If he had thought it possible, she was even more
beautiful. The look on her face, one of mingled sorrow and joy,
just added to it. When she walked by, giving him a small
reserved smile, he couldn't help but smile back. Even if she
was breaking his heart.
Sighing wistfully, Kozo leaned back as much as the chair
would allow him. A small consolation was that it would be a
short ceremony, something simple, but elegant, as Yui had
demanded. One thing Fuyutsuki had to admit about Rokubungi was
that he seemed quite willing to do whatever Yui asked of him.
And perhaps that was all he could expect because he would
have been the same way. If Yui had been his. But she was not.
Fate. That's what it was. Things just weren't meant to
be. Things weren't meant to go his way. He was, after all,
just an old... No, he wasn't old yet; he just felt like it. He
was certainly a loner though, nearly socially inept. And here
went Yui.
A chance lost. An opportunity never to be regained.
He heard a woman weeping softly from somewhere off to his
left, but when he spared a glance, there was no crying woman in
the row. An odd thing, but the world was an odd place, full of
mysteries and injustices.
Yui looked at Gendo, into his almost uninterested eyes,
and could nearly tell what he was thinking. No doubt it was
about the woman that had been crying non-stop ever since Yui had
emerged for everyone to see.
And now rings were being exchanged, and she could almost
feel the excitement emanating from Chisa in the front row.
The moment was just like when he had proposed, her hand shaking
so badly he had to hold it to get the ring on...
He smiled then and looked... so tired. Like the weight of
the world was on his shoulders, the burden of every secret held
by every person, even of life and death... So weary...
Before she could ponder the meaning of her thoughts,
everything was over. The words had been automatic out of her
mouth, a testament to her true desire to go through with it, and
now... She was smiling, but it was restrained, a fact that the
guests overlooked.
People surrounded her, Gendo holding her arm gently,
always acting as her strength when she needed it, smiling and
congratulating them both. Yui picked out a few specific faces:
her father's, somewhat melancholy; Chisa's, a smile as wide as
Japan itself plastered there; Professor Fuyutsuki, smiling
gently, but not seeming all that happy.
She looked up as Gendo moved his hand from her arm and
slipped his arm around her waist. He appeared quite serious,
obviously uncomfortable with the crowd and unwilling to show his
happiness. At least some things never changed, and with a warm
feeling settling in his stomach, Yui put her arm around Gendo as
well.
"You holding up okay?" Chisa managed to get close enough
to ask.
Looking at the people around her, the house she had grown
up in and the memories there, Yui looked at Chisa and nodded.
"I think... I'm going to be okay."
---
Page 59
Gendo stood back and accepted the assorted well-wishes,
though he did not receive nearly as many as Yui. Or maybe they
just preferred to talk to her, which was probably the case. It
was preferable to him anyway. Leave Yui with the attention, all
her friends, and he would stay back and...
His eyes locked on to Yui, and more specifically who she
was talking to, smiling at, holding the hands of. Gendo's jaw
clenched, but that was the only reaction visible as he watched
Y... his wife interact with Fuyutsuki.
"Thank you for coming," she said after kissing his cheek.
"I hope you don't think it's too odd."
"Not at all." He stood at his full height, the scent of
her perfume lingering in the air around him. "I'm just... glad
to see you happy." He wanted to squeeze her hands and never let
go, but knew that wouldn't be proper. Not with another man's
wife.
"I just wanted to thank you for everything you've done for
me. And Gendo. You've been... too generous all this time."
"It was... the least I could do." Those were the only
words he could think of, the only words that wouldn't be
awkward, alienating. The ones that didn't say how much he
envied Rokubungi, how he had wanted to be the one with a future
with her because no one made him feel quite the way she did.
"I'll still talk to you. I'm not dropping off the planet
or anything. We can have lunch when I'm on campus," Yui said,
trying to put the best possible spin on things since she could
see the unhappiness on his face.
"Thank you, but... things are changing faster than we can
compensate for. I don't think... your husband would approve
of..."
"You think too little of me." She held up her hand,
little finger extended. "I can keep a handle on Gendo," she
said with a little smirk.
"You're a treasure, Yui," Fuyutsuki replied, a genuine
smile creeping on his face. "Go on. You have other things to
be doing besides talking to me."
"Thank you again... Kozo," she said before pulling her
hand from his.
"How is your family?"
Gendo turned his gaze to Yui's father, standing next to
him. "My family?" He shrugged.
"Yui is my only daughter so I'm sure you can see why I'm
rather protective of her." He waited, but received no reply
from Gendo so continued. "She is also my only child..."
"I assumed this wasn't just going to be a friendly chat.
So what is it you want exactly?"
"You make it hard to hold a friendly conversation, even
when I put forth the effort. Your relationship with your father
must not have been a very good one." For a moment he saw Gendo
get angry, furious. "But that's not unforgivable, and my
concern is not your family..."
"But your own. I think I can see right where this is
heading, and if you pardon my bluntness, I think you're out of
line asking me such a thing."
Progress. There was some there, even if it wasn't totally
obvious. "Then refuse; no need to be rude."
"I didn't say no either. I'll think about it."
As much as to be expected. "Of course. And
congratulations. I think I'm as qualified as anyone to say what
a wonderful gir... woman Yui is."
"Biased, but it seems everyone is in Yui's favor. Makes
me wonder sometimes." Aside from her monthly mood swings, she
seemed too good to be true. But then, he'd put up with anything
she had, for better or worse.
"If you had known her mother, you might know better."
"It doesn't matter anyway. We'll manage to deal with
anything that comes up."
"You're not a fan of that professor fellow, are you? I
saw the way you looked at him when Yui was talking with him. He
seemed nice enough."
Gendo's lip twitched. "Nice enough... and far too
interested in Yui. She called me possessive and I don't deny
it, but..." Gendo looked again at his new wife. "I wouldn't be
if I thought I could live without her."
"In a way, you frighten me, but... I can't argue with
Yui's judgment. She wouldn't listen."
"Yes," Gendo said without any real reply for that. "I
think it's time for us to go now."
"Yes, I suppose it is. Be sure to take care of her...
always."
---
lara@emunix.emich.edu
http://www.thekeep.org/~lara/index.html