At 06:35 PM 10/5/99 -0400, Emily Siazon wrote:

From: Alan Harnum <harnums@thekeep.org>

At 11:08 AM 10/3/99 -0400, Emily Siazon wrote:

Stuff, you all wrote stuff. Read the original posts, people....

"The Man in the Mirror"
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<snip>

Author's Notes: Um. . . I'm not really sure what to say about this
except that I'm sorry to all the Makoto fans out there; I didn't
really mean for him to come out as such a big bastard.
Please send comments and criticisms to <emily9@erols.com>.

Well, I enjoyed it, despite being a Makoto fan.  I like to think their
relationship will end up a little better than it does in this story, but
considering the problems inherent in a relationship where one of you is
immortal and cannot have children, this situation is quite plausible.

I agree with Al here-- a very conceivable way it could end up, really.
Actually, I think Al pretty much nailed exactly what I would have said,
except perhaps in a more succint, non-rambling way. <sniff> and I get so
few chances to ramble anymore about stuff!

I'm uncertain of what you were trying to do with the second-person
narrative.  Why did you think the story would work better that way than in
the more common first- or third-person narrative?  If it was to force the
reader to experience by proxy the same state of mind Makoto is in, I think
we might need more details to really get into his head.  As it was, I

found

the narration rather distracting--unless it serves a really important
function, you might want to consider redoing the story in first- or
third-person.

The only real reason for the second-person narrative was that I wanted some
practice writing with it. I'll try switching it to a third-person
perspective and
resend it to the ML.

I too had some problems with the second person narrative, but thought that
a good way to rectify it would be at the end to switch it over to a first
person perspective, thefirst person beign Ifurita. Something along the
lines of Makoto saying what he says, and then:

	I opened my eyes, tears blurring my vision, and did not say a word.
There was nothing I could say, after all.

Something along those lines, at least. 
By switching from second person to first person Ifurita, you then get the
effect of Ifurita, or her thoughts, at least, following Makoto around the
house
and thinking back on the past. 
	As to the "well, why does Ifurita refer to herself as 'she' then, instead
of 'me' or something like that, well, when trying to look at the situation
from
a somewhat more objective, or (pardon this), a more divorced look at it. A
technique I believe other people besides just me might use, actually (and
sometimes it even works!)


(btw-- did I say that I liked it? Goes without saying, I suppose. I've
previously mentioned that I like your El Hazard fics, well... a lot)
^_^

Ciao,
-Alan Harnum

Thanks again for the c&c!
Emily

Matthew Lewis is:
	a proud member of Lumpy Pot Productions:
http://members.xoom.com/Morisato/home.html
	in need of updating his webpage at:
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Flats/9345/index.html
____________________________________________________

"The only people who see the whole picture are the
ones who step out of the frame."

-Sir Darius Xerxes Cama, The Ground Beneath Her Feet
 by Salman Rushdie
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