Subject: RE: [FFML] [ranma][xover]School Days
From: Grayson Towler
Date: 9/23/1999, 12:47 PM
To: "'Ken Brockwell'" <rolothamasi@HOTMAIL.COM>, "ffml@fanfic.com" <ffml@fanfic.com>

Okay, since I looked at the earlier draft, I'll comment on the second cut.


SCHOOL DAYS


A title is a good start.  I failed to comment on this about your previous
draft, but nice to see you've taken the time to come up with a title.


Ranma spat out the blood in his mouth as he got himself to his feet. This 
'Daigo' character was a lot tougher than he had thought. After the first 

<snip>

new challenger, it was his own laxity that resulted in his defeat. This 
Daigo had a solid defense, yes. An aspect of the Art that seemed largely 
ignored by the rest of the martial artists here in Nerima. He excelled in 
all physical aspects but was not exceptional in anything in particular. Not 
like Ryouga with his strength or Ranma with his speed. "No son-in-law, you 
were bested in a test of skills."

Nothing's changed here from the first draft.  As I said the first time, I just don't
find this convincing, especially after we learn that Ranma is fighting this guy
the second time around.  Once again, the assertion that Ranma doesn't 
concentrate on defense is simply not believable to me.  And the whole combat
sequence goes by much too quickly for my tastes.  The dramatic tension is
just not there.  

Also, you might explain why Cologne is hanging around.  

      >of the establishment, he waited patiently for them to finish. Marveling at 
how blatantly they were each trying to cheat the other. 

"Marveling at..." is a sentence fragment.


"Tadaima!" Retsu 


I strongly suggest that you avoid the use of Japanese words unless
you are expressing a concept which lacks a proper analogue in English.
Martial arts techniques - that's fine.  Honorifics (like "san" and "kun")
are also fine by me.  But "tadaima" just means "I'm home."  There's nothing
special conveyed in the Japanese phrase which is lost in the English
translation, and so why use the Japanese.

Your whole story is translated.  It is assumed that everybody is really
speaking in Japanese or Chinese during their conversations.  Thus to
have them suddenly break into Japanese for no readily apparent reason
makes no sense.  Some authors feel differently about this, but I find it
to be very annoying in a story.  



"So the old ghoul sent ya huh? Whadaya want?" Ranma eyed the man 
suspiciously. Anybody Cologne sent couldn't be out to do him any favors. And 
they're likely to be some fairly tough competition. 

Why is that?  In the latter series, Cologne is a largely benevolent force
in Ranma's life.  She's been known to help him without any expectation
that he'll return the favor, and she's taught him some exceptional techniques.


"Quite boy!" 


"Quiet, boy!"

said Genma while hitting him over the head. "It's a very well 
known program. You should feel honored, not standing around, scratching your 
head. The boy would gladly join."

Genma's willingness to simply pack off Ranma to another school seems very
strange.  It is an acknowledgement that Anything-Goes is inferior to the other
school in question, which is a hell of a lump of pride to swallow.  

My suggestion is to rewrite Genma and Soun's reactions, so they are 
skeptical at first but then decide that Ranma could process these new
techniques and bring them back to the Anything-Goes school, thus making
it even stronger.  



"What!? Alright, alright. Let's go get it on." Ranma almost shouted. He was 
livid, but not because of the way Retsu almost put him down because he knew 
he would fall for it the moment the challenge left the guy's mouth.

I don't know what you meant with that last sentence.


Retsu nodded and the fight began. Ranma went in close and intended to throw 
a few kicks and jabs to feel his opponent out. "Shoryuken!" Retsu performed 
a jumping uppercut that sent Ranma flying to the other side of the dojo with 
his breath out of his lungs the moment he threw the first punch. "Hadoken" A 
sphere of energy almost slammed into Ranma. Luckily, he twisted his body and 
was able to escape the brunt of the attack. But it still sent him down on 
the mat. Retsu moved in close and was about to jump kick Ranma but got a 
Kachuu Tenshin Amaguriken attack for his troubles. Ranma recovered a lot 
faster than he thought he would. Taking the full brunt of the assault, Retsu 
collapsed onto the floor gasping. Tapping the mat to show his submission.

Break this paragraph up and throw in some more description, would be my
guess.  There are a lot of authors out there who write some really gripping
fight scenes.  Think about which fights you've been most impressed by in
your reading, and go back and see what those authors did - how they used
descriptive language, how they built tension, how they constructed an image
of what was happening in your mind with their words.


"The old guy's got some tricks." Ranma thought. Meanwhile, Both Soun and 
Genma were trying to pick their jaws off the ground. Their upper lips may 
never have made contact if it weren't for old Happi falling on top of them. 
The old pervert was so shocked he fell off the rafters he was on to watch 
the fight.

Why are they so shocked?  Ranma won.  This guy isn't all that hot.  They've
seen all sorts of astonishing techniques before - the ones Retsu used shouldn't
be enough to impress them... and certainly not enough to impress Happposai.


"Oh, you mean after you beat Daigo Kazama? Good luck. With your skills, you 
should be able to beat him but I doubt you'll be able to though." Retsu 

This line makes no sense.  "You've got the skills to beat him, but you won't."
That requires a lot more explanation before it becomes convincing.

Ranma never got to finish his line of questioning though. As he was shoved 
away by his father and Mr. Tendo who were alternating between genuflecting 
before Happosai and the new guy. "Oh great master of the Shotokan art, 
forgive my son's brashness. And we would be glad to send him to your 

I'm just not believing the characterizations here.  Why is this school so
impressive to them?



"Damn!" Retsu thought. "Look at the time, I have to get going." Addressing 
the old pervert with more respect than was due, Retsu bowed and said, "I'm 
sorry. But I'm on a very tight schedule. We'll have to talk more on the 
matter next time. Well Ranma? Are you ready to join up?"

Does he know who Happosai is?  How does he know he's an old pervert?

And he just said that Ranma isn't going to be learning this technique which,
for whatever reason, has got everybody in such a lather.  So what's Ranma's
motivation for going to this school?


- - - - - 

Write and re-write, write and re-write.  Your prose is still very rough in a lot of
places - I didn't have time to go over this with a fine-toothed comb and point them
all out, but it reads very erratically.  I also think you need to spend more time
getting a feel for the characters here, and portraying them in a believable fashion.
Your plot is not terribly convincing to me yet.

Also, while you are in no way obligated to use the entire Ranma cast in your
story (in fact, I would advise against it unless you have something specifically
in mind for each person in question), the absence of Akane in your fic really
needs to be explained.  

Read your work out loud to yourself - see how it sounds when you speak the
words.  That'll help you fix a lot of the sentence structure problems that you have,
or at least help you identify where your prose is breaking up.  If you have a live
person to read your story aloud to, then that's even better.  

Do not be afraid to take the red marker to your work (metaphorically speaking -
we are using electronic format here).  A big, big mistake that many writer of all
ages and levels of accomplishment make is to get too attached to the words
they've written.  You have to be willing to chunk entire scenes, paragrpahs, and
plot ideas if something better appears.  It is not easy to do.  It is hard on the
ego.  But once you get over that barrier, you'll be able to improve your writing
at a fundamental level.

Good luck with your writing,
Grayson Towler
grayson@rigroup.net

http://www.rigroup.com/~grayson/relentless