Subject: Re: [FFML] [Fanfic][Ranma alt] Box of Dreams prlouge & chapter 1
From: "The Eternal Lost Lurker" <lurkerdrome@worldnet.att.net>
Date: 9/14/1999, 3:33 PM
To: "Miriel Church" <mchurch@scronline.com>, <ffml@fanfic.com>

    This being my first full fan fiction, a few notes maybe in order..

Yeah, notes...

First note: Cut down on the notes.

Second note: D flat. D as in 'Damn', flat as in the direction your first
effort fell.

    First this is an alternate fiction, meaning there are changes from
the original Ranma timeline/dimension.  I have set two changes in
motion, the first happened in the first year of the training mission.
The second a couple of months before the famous failed wedding.

Most fanfiction readers know what an 'alternate' fanfiction is. You don't
have to explain it. Furthermore, you generally don't explain where the
changes take place in the introductory notes. Part of the fun of the thing
is writing the changes into the prologue of the story, and letting the
readers figure it out for themselves.


    The first change is a secret!  (I could tell you but that would
takeaway half the fun!  Grin..)  While it is a major change in the story

I'll be damned. There's something in here you're *not* giving away in the
author's life story...I mean, notes? Go fig.

line it is also a secret from the rest of the characters, so there is no
real discernible difference between cannon Ranma and this one.  He is
just as lovable, honorable and clue less as we remember him.. or is he?

Nice foreshadowing. Not. Again, stuff like this belongs within the text of
the story itself, not within the notes.

    The second change is minor in the long range effect on the story
but it is very critical to the continuity of the story..  In the manga
Ranma story, Nodaka discovers the curses by accident  First Genma�s then

Nodoka. NO DO KA. Not Nodaka, not Nadoka, not Nobaka, not Naboka, not
Naboobi, not Bob. NO DO KA. I'd give it to you in kana but I haven't gotten
around to making this overgrown calculator JIS-capable.

     Now the obligatory credits:

<snip> Obligatory, yes. Necessarily loud? No. Don't put your disclaimers in
all caps, please. And for the love of God, spellcheck and proofread. Your
disclaimer read like an AOL 'kewl h@Kk3R d00d' post.

      \\      //    MANDARIN
     {        }    THOUGHTS
    **      **   emotions
    ++      ++   any other language


And here we have one of my personal pet peeves...a key. People, there
should not be a need for a key in fanfiction! If you need a key, then you
are probably using some really, really fucked up conventions! (Which is
true, in this case...whoever heard of using slashes for Chinese dialect,
braces for thoughts, double asterisks for...you get the idea. Good fucking
grief.)

Alright, if you're so keen on keys...

Instead of actually bothering to write out comments on everything in this
story, I'm simply going to make a key, with indicators for every possible
comment I could come up with, and a key symbol for my own comments where
applicable.

Lurker's Review Key:

@    @ misspelled words or incorrect synonym
##     ##  grammatical errors
==     == tense errors
~~    ~~  punctuation errors
??    ??  Missing words
||       || stuff that sucks
^^        ^^  stuff that doesn't suck
%        %  stuff that needs to be cut out or rewritten
&          &  Lurker's comments


||      It is the way of things that the world keeps
moving, never stopping, every action--every person effecting the world
around them~~  ~~  but even the wisest ??     ?? can only be aware of that
small slice
of the
world that directly @effects@ their existence.  So if a butterfly in
@Hokido@ & Hokkaido & flaps its wings and causes a typhoon in the
Philippines, what can
any one person do about it~~.~~  All around us the world changes by the
actions of nature or man and there is
often nothing we can do about it until ??  ?? @to@  & until it's too &
late.|| & Could a paragraph possibly be more pointless and rambling than
this? If you're going to do the old cliche of 'chaos is the way of all
things' bit, at least make it interesting.&

      In Nerima strange things do not just happen~~ ~~ they are accepted as
the norm~~; h~~ere &norm. Here& in this little area~~ ~~ the normal rules
of life seem to
bend and warp.

&Learn how to use commas, fer cryin' out loud.&

||      All the strangeness in Nerima seems to center around, or ==been==
drawn
to a small plot of land on which sits the Tendo Dojo~~.  A~~ &Of all the
times to break your habit of creating runon sentences, this is the worst
you could pick. You didn't need to start a new sentence here; you ended up
creating a truncated sentence and a fragment.& family owned
training hall that once taught students from far and wide the @marital@
&That's a whole other fanfic, ese...&
arts until a great sadness
settled there.  Now it
has only one student to carry on the school and traditions, Tendo Akane~~
~~
who was
acknowledged as being among the best in the  area.   But then one day in
her sixteenth year a pair of wandering
martial artists arrived  at the dojo.  This father/son pair came to
fulfill a promise made many years before, to join the two families and
@Cary@ &Not only is this misspelled, it shouldn't be capitalized either.&
on the Anything Goes School.  Now after a year and some months  at
the dojo a breeze started 10 years ago is once more blowing unstoppably
towards them, powered by love, fanned by the wings of honor and
tradition,  @Soatome Nodaka@ &Misspelling Nodoka is dumb. Misspelling
Saotome is just sad.& is once more coming to the Tendo Dojo
looking for her husband and son.||



      Nerima, being a suburb of Tokyo, never truly sleeps, but
occasionally
a lull seems to settle over it.
        ||To the east a full moon is cresting the far horizon; to
the west the sinking sun is setting the distant hills
aflame.  A quiet time as birds settle to roost for the night, children
are called in from play, families sit for dinner and the world seems to
hold
it's breath for just a moment.   Soon the night will awaken bringing
it's own life and action; people going to  jobs, parties or  strolls in
the darkened landscape where anything beyond the next
circle of light might just as well be on another world.||  For now a brief
span of seemingly timeless calm holds sway over the district
of Nerima.  On the roof of the
Tendo Dojo a young man sits in the last rays of sunlight and as the
shadows of night grow a new light shines on his face.  Cupped in his
hands a blue flame that flickers, not in the breeze but with the
pulse of his own life energy, and  in that flame a spinning essence of
golden light seems to hold his total attention.

  {Man, I gotta finish this tonight.. Mother is
coming  for my birthday party  this weekend, and I still haven't been
able to get this thing done.  If it's not pop wanting to train, ~~@its@~~
Ryoga wanting a fight or Nabiki wanting pictures or one of the other
fianc�e's wanting-- me!!   Ok.. it's warm enough, lets see if I can get
this right .. this time.}
    The golden light increases as the blue flames seem to whip in
towards it.
    {Now relax.. build up the speed and .. there we go.. ~~@its@~~
working..
concentrate...}

Behind him, peeking over the edge
of the roof, two others watch as he focuses on his work.
      Tendo Nabiki and Tendo Akane watch as Soatome Ranma draws his chi,
%his life energy,% &Unnecessary...anyone who would actually be reading this
probably already *knows* that particular factoid...&  and begins his work,
whatever that work may be.  They
had
watched him as he climbed out his window,  a small pouch of worn leather

held in his hands, and jumped to the roof of the family dojo.  This was
not an unusual occurrence.  What had captured their attention was that
he
did this as the rest of the family was called to dinner!  %Ranma miss
dinner!? Pass on Kasumi's cooking?!  Let his father eat his share of the

culinary delights that awaited !!?? NEVER!!% &"Ranma would never miss a
meal unless he were unconscious" would suffice.&

      " What is he doing?" Akane, %the youngest of the Tendo daughters
and
the fianc�e of Ranma,% &Something we would NEVER have known if you hadn't
told us, what with never having watched an episode of Ranma...& whispered
to her sister.
      "I've seen him do this a couple of times, but I still can't figure

out what he's doing -- or where he hides that pouch" Nabiki the middle
daughter whispered back" and believe me I've looked.  When I asked him,
he
told me that it was private.  I even offered to cut his bill down for
the
information but he wouldn't tell."
      "Well, I'm going to find out...."Akane said as she climbed on the
roof and approached Ranma~~ ~~"Ranma....  ~~@your@~~ missing dinner..  "
She said
quietly~~, no answer,~~ "Ranma.. are you alright?.." no answer .."What are
you doing Ranma?" again no answer. "Ranma.  I'm talking to you!" still
no
answer~~ ~~"RANMA!" once more silence~~ ~~"FINE!! Don't talk to me, see if
I
care....~~ ~~
      The flame in Ranma's hands fades, and as he stands, he picks up a
small box and the pouch {but I do care Akane, I just wish I could tell
you how much...} "Whatcha want Akane?'
      "I asked what you're doing.. You missed  dinner.."
       {she's upset.. oh boy..}"Just working on something"
      "Can I see?"
      "Uh.. no ~~@@its@@~~ a gift.. .."
      "For Me?.. "
      "Uh. No  I promised...."
      "It's for Ukyou, Isn't it!!" A reddish glow starts forming around
Akane as her anger grows.
      "No... It..."
      "Shampoo!!! it has to be for Shampoo, even I know you would never
make something for Kodachi!!"
      "...but..."
      "~~@@Your@@~~ actually making a gift for Shampoo!!  Why won't you
make
anything for me!!!"
      "..but...."
      'You ....."  as her anger flares so does her aura~~ ~~ "BAKA...."
      {here it comes} he scrambles to get away~~ ~~but to no avail.
      "RANMA!!!!!!"
WHAMMMM!!!    SPLASHHHH!!! &That was badly written. And a stock fanfic
scene. A badly written stock fanfic scene.&

&I'm not even going to bother going farther than that. I'd be here all day,
and I can think of better ways of spending my time.&

&Rewrite this completely, or burn it. Either is preferable to its current
form.&

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Unlike humans, dogs do their part to preserve nature.
You could learn a lot from a dog. Pee on a tree today for a greener
tomorrow.
(--actual ad campaign for a forest preservation group)


The Eternal Lost Lurker
SeeD Rank 7
(The way to a man's heart is through his shorts...)
lurkerdrome@megami.net
http://lurkerdrome.megami.net

Dot: I found Prince!
Yakko: No, no...*finger*prints.
Dot: [looks at Prince] I don't think so.