General comments first, as the specifics are mostly just a bunch of
punctuation corrections: The plot is still kinda getting set up, so it's
hard to comment much on the overall story. There's the mysterious dreams
that the characters are having, and the standard Ranma continuation
stuff, and they're kinda seperate so far; I'd like to see more
cross-over between them. The villain seems a bit cliched, but that's not
so big a deal in this fic as it's pretty normal for the genre.

Your writing, while not bad, could stand to be spiced up with more
sensory imagery. Look for more creative ways to tell us what things
look, sound, etc. like; a well-placed metaphor can be especially useful
for this.

One punctuation mistake you make a lot is in quoting dialog. If a verb
such as 'said' is used, where the object of the verb is the quoted
words, then the quote is part of the sentence. If not, the quote is a
seperate sentence. For example,

"Bite me, ya jerk," he spat.

"Ugh. I got a bad taste in my mouth." He spat.

In the first case, he's spitting out the words, whereas in the second
he's just spitting. See the difference?


Kyle Emmerson <kyle_emmerson@geocities.com> wrote:

	"Do I know you, boy?" He asked.

he (no caps)

	"Hey, wait a minute, boy," one of the men put a hand
on his shoulder.

boy." One

	Shinnosuke nodded. "I am. I believe they have answers
to some questions I have. I don't know how, or why, but I
just believe they do."

	The man nodded silently. "Good luck in finding them,
boy."

	Shinnosuke smiled and nodded. He continued on his
way.

Whole lotta nodding going on here. Maybe one of these guys is the
sheriff of Noddingham. :)

	"Shut up Ukyou," he shook his head. "I don't want to

up, Ukyou,"

	"I am the one you were born for, girl."

'the one for whom you were born, girl' would be formally correct.

	"Who are you?" She yelled into the darkness.

she (no caps)

	But sometimes, she reminded herself, something
serious happens, and she has to worry about money later.

Tense error. 'sometimes something serious would happen, and she would
have to worry'

	Nabiki shook her head. "Look, Saotome. I may be the
most un-empathetic person you know, but look at it from
her point of view. She thinks you don't love Akane, and
that Akane doesn't love you," she said, "I'm not making
excuses for her, but that's the way it is. When she did
what she did, she thought she was doing the right thing."

Why should Nabiki know or care how Ukyo feels toward Ranma? This sounds
like an explanation put in for the sake of the readers.

	"She is here," Akane smiled.

here."

	Because he was there. Ranma had eaten the bread
Ryouga had craved, which had caused him to become angry
at him in the first place. It may have been the first
blow, but the battle could have been over long before it
started.

	The meeting for the fight. Ryouga blamed Ranma for
leaving, even though he was four days late. He laughed.
Ranma even waited three days for him. It was better than
Ryouga could do. Ryouga would have left after the first
hour.

Using the 'had' tense for events which occured before the current moment
in narration would help keep things straight. I assume the laughing is
taking place in current time, but it's not very clear.

	"Yes," he laughed. "Don't worry. I have no plans to
steal Akane from Ranma. It was evident how they felt
about each other."

His memory's improved a lot, I see....

	Cologne had been known how to do it for years.

had known

However, she had never actually found the need to do it
until now.

Well, she must've done it at least once, if she has a
great-granddaughter.... *ahem*

	The Joketsuzoku had called the method 'Kai kuo yan jie
de meng huan zhe'. The dreamer with open eyes. Technically,
your eyes were closed during the method, but it allowed one

one's eyes

	Midara shook his ancient head. "Do not worry.
Amaterasu Ohmikami will watch over them."

	"We are far from our home, Midara. Amaterasu is far

>from her source of power."

93 million miles? I guess that *is* kinda far....

	"Who are you?" She asked.

she (no caps)

	He laughed. It came from not one, but several
sources.

	"A wise one," he continued. "How fortunate for me."

"Oh, a wise guy, eh? Nyuk nyuk nyuk!"

	"Oh my God!" She shot up.
	
	"Ukyou, whoa girl. Calm down," Nabiki pleaded.

"And put down that needle!" (Get it, she shot up....)

	
	Ukyou was breathing heavily. She looked around in
confusion for a moment, before she spoke.

	"What happened?" She asked, still looking around.

she (no caps)
	

	"You passed out. Ranma brought you in about twenty
minutes ago," she reached to feel her head. "Looks like

ago." She

	Ukyou blinked. "Alright," she sighed. Getting of off

'off of,' or just 'off'

	"You want me to MOVE IN WITH HIM?" She asked.

she (no caps)

	"What's... going... on?" He asked, slowly backing

he (no caps)

away from the small crowd.

	"Ranma, my boy," Genma pushed up his glasses. "Looks
to me like you'll be returning with your mother and I."

your mother and me."

	"Look, Ukyou," Akane smiled, "We've got alot of

a lot (2 words)

things to do. We're moving over to Ranma's mothers home."

mother's

Chapter Three: The Infant Dreams

	"The trip," he said, "I have never been out of

he said. "I

	"Yeah," he leaned forward, "We actually only got back

"Yeah." He leaned forward. "We

	"Miss Ukyou!" Konatsu greeted, seeing Ranma and Akane
behind him, he smiled in greeting.

Run-on sentence.

	Ukyou nodded. "Yeah. I... I feel alot better too."

a lot (2 words)

She smirked, "You know, it's funny. Yesterday at this

smirked.

time, I could have sworn I was doing you a favour." She
looked up, "but now I see what I did."

up. "But

	She knew of his directional problems, but he had an
address, and a map. He knows to ask directions if he's

He knew to

lost. He surely would have found the place by now...
Wouldn't he?

	Akari buried her chin into her crossed arms on the
table. She knew how he had come to meet Ryouga. On the
day of her Grandfather's final death.

As opposed to one of his intermediate deaths?

	She had accepted the fact that he would die long
before his death, so she found she wasn't as distraught
by his death as she was when she learned of his dying.

Um... okay, evidently you're making some kind of distinction between
actual death and metaphorical dying, which is cool, but it's not exactly
clear what you mean. This could be pretty nice if you clarify it a bit.

	Ryouga was looking for her. He had just had trouble
finding her house. That was it. She half-hoped he would
find her house, but another part of her hoped he would
show up at the Tendo's first.

Tendos' (there's more than one of 'em)

	"This... is Tokyo?" Shinnosuke stared at the giant
gray monoliths around him.

	"Amazing," he turned to Ryouga, "You say people BUILT
these?"

Amazing." He turned to Ryouga. "You

Suggest combining the two above paragraphs into one, since it's the same
speaker both times.

	Shinnosuke turned around to look at the crowd. "Nor
would I be, if faced with a place such as this." He
smiled, "Come, let's ask for directions."

smiled. "Come

	His uncle more so than others. People called him
eccentric, but there were some things he saw his uncle do
that defied imagination.

Like what? Can we get a specific or two here?

	And so, Hikaru Gosunkugi joined his family. Hikaru
was more so involved in the mystics than his closer
relatives. His father, who worked as an accountant for a
firm with no reputation, and his mother, who was, for the
most part, a housewife.

Sentence fragment.

	Akane thought about it for a second. Besides the
argument about the marriage the day before, which can't

which couldn't (past tense)

	Akane looked at the television for a few more moment.

moments.

	Kasumi turned towards him. "Ranma?" She asked.

she (no caps)

	"I'm sorry," she looked at him, "it was wrong of me

sorry." She looked at him. "It
	

	"Do you love Akane?" She asked bluntly.

she (no caps)

	And, apparently, it had served Feng Bo right to the
doorstep of the building he stood in front of, and had

the building in front of which he stood, and

	"Touche," he smirked.

"Touche." He smirked.

	Feng Bo put one finger in the air, "All in due time,

air."

	Not wanting to embarrass himself further, Ryouga
walked swiftly over to a small payphone.

pay phone. (2 words)

	"Oh, hello Ryouga! Akari called earlier looking for

hello, Ryouga!
	

	"Ranma?" She called from the hallway.

she (no caps)

	"Yeah?" She heard faintly from upstairs.

Same here.
	

	"Ryouga needs you to meet him and a friend at the
train station," she blinked. "What happened?"

station." She

	"I was in the bathroom," he shook his head. "Don't

bathroom." He

	Ranma sighed. "Yeah, I guess." he smiled, "Probably

He smiled. (caps and punctuation)

	"I did about two minutes ago," he cast his gaze

ago." He

	Konatsu laughed. "Well, the fact that you were
putting blasting powder into the okonomiyaki, and the
fact that I KNOW that's not a normal ingredient kinda
gave it away."

'kinda' is a bit informal for 'Natsu. Suggest 'kind of'.

	Ranma looked up. "Well, I suppose I could talk the
Tendo's into letting you stay..." he began. "But

Tendos (it's a plural, not a possessive)

	Saffron regarded his servant carefully. "What is it,
Xioav?"

"Xioav?" That's a weird name....

Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html