Subject: Re: [FFML] [fanfic][Ranma][Travel, Training and Trials, chapter one][lime?]
From: Douglas MacDougall
Date: 7/26/1999, 6:12 PM
To: "KaraOhki" <karaohki@snet.net>
CC: Fanfic Mailing List <ffml@fanfic.com>

C&C Below.  Snippage throughout.

I'm doing this on a text editor instead of a word processor,
so I'm not going to be able to pick out spelling mistakes
quite so well...  ^_^;

Travels, Training and Trials

[...]

"Fiancee?"

Ranma's eyes bulged so far out of his head they nearly fell out.

Suggest putting speaker with speech; combine the above two lines.

Genma had the grace to look somewhat embarrassed.

"I made the arrangement with my friend Tendo before you were born,
Ranma.  At the time he had only one daughter.  Now he has three.  If
they're as pretty as his wife was, you should like one of them."

Ditto with the above lines.  If the paragraphs describing Ranma and
Genma were more than one sentance long, I could see breaking them up
this way, but as it is, the sentences appear to be needlessly
dangling in space...

*Three choices.  Millions of girls in the world, and Pop limits my
choices to three.*  Ranma had very little experience with girls, but
he had begun to take notice of them, and they of him.  As far as
marriage was concerned, it was a step he was not ready to take.  *Pop
gets more impossible every day.*

suggest:  However, as far as...

[...]

"I said no!  How am I going to explain this to Tofu?  It took me
MONTHS to get anywhere with him, and now you want me to dump him for
some younger guy I've never met?"

Heh.  It appears having a substitute mother to serve as a crutch,
Kasumi didn't feel the need to become the perfect mother, herself.
The Tendo emotionality finally comes through.

[...]

The last words were uttered as Kasumi left the table.  Seconds later
she was out of the house, stopping long enough to take an umbrella
>from the stand near the door.  Kasumi nearly ran over a soaked girl as
she flew down the sidewalk.

suggest:  raced down the sidewalk.

[...]

Soun looked warily at his two remaining daughters.  So far, neither of
them had spoken a word.

suggest:  Back inside, Soun
(I'd clarify this break in flow.  We were following Kasumi;
now we've refocussed on Soun and the other girls.)

"I'm not in the market for a husband right now, Dad.  I'm too busy.
Besides, having only ONE boyfriend is no fun!"

The hedonist in Nabiki has full reign, I see.
Money and constantly snacking are no longer sufficient.  :)

Soun could only shake his head at Nabiki's statement.  He'd thought
that Kasumi had been popular in high school.  Then Nabiki had started
attending Furinkan, and boys followed her everywhere.  Right now she
was going out with two boys, both of whom had expressed intentions of
marrying her.  Nabiki seemed to enjoy keeping them dangling while she
made up her mind between them.

gram:  Then Nabiki started attending

[...]

Hours later, Ranma relaxed in the Tendo bath.  He had a lot to think
about.

[tears of joy]  See?  This is how it's done!!!  This is how you do an
alternate reality!  There's no need to show the arrival of Ranma all
over again.  We've seen or read it a zillion times already.  Kara fills
us in on the changes that she DID make through flashback!

Take notes, people!

He and his father had totally confused the Tendos when they arrived.

gram:  when they had arrived.
or:  when they'd arrived
(The arrival and confusion should have the same tense,
since they happened at the same time.)

Ranma had immediately asked for hot water, and was in the middle of
explaining Jusenkyo curses when Kasumi came home, and he'd had to
start all over again.  Kasumi had listened to the explanation and
demonstration, shrugged in disinterest, and disappeared into the
kitchen to start dinner.  Her sister Nabiki had excused herself,
saying that she had a date to prepare for.  That left only Akane at
the table.

How did Kasumi get back so fast?  Kind of a short visit to the good
doctor's.

The youngest Tendo sister hadn't said a word.  At first, Ranma thought
that she was as uninterested in his story as Kasumi had been, but her
body language betrayed her.  She was very interested, but trying to
hide it.  If there was anything Ranma had learned, it was how to read
the body language of girls.

And hopefully ten years worth of martial arts...  ;)

The repeated "-interested"s make this paragraph a little choppy.
I can't think of a better suggestion, though.

Ranma had met many girls in the years he had been training.  At some
dojos, the masters' daughters only used their martial arts skills
(what little they had, that is) to meet guys.  Ranma had learned to
quickly put them in their place, and ignore them.  Others were
serious, and he'd given and received plenty of bruises training with
them.

suggest:  learned to quickly put them in their place, by ignoring them.
or:  learned to quickly ignore them.
(I'm a little worried what "putting them into their place" means.
I hope that's what the ignoring means.)

He tended to prefer the latter type of girl.  The soft, sweet girls
made him nervous--he got along much better with the tomboys he'd met.
There had been one exception to that.  Midori.   Ranma closed his
eyes, thinking of her, and what had happened between them several
months earlier.

suggest:  exception to that:  Midori.

They'd been staying at a dojo for several weeks, and for once Ranma
was the one who wanted to leave.  Usually, he preferred to stay in one
spot as long as he could, but this particular dojo made him
uncomfortable.

punc:  and for once, Ranma

Over the years, Ranma had become accustomed to spending time with the
master in each dojo he visited.  He'd read everything in the library
that he was permitted to, and trade books that he had already read for
anything that could be spared.  It wasn't uncommon for Ranma and the
master to sit talking far into the night.

Does this mean that Ranma has books of his own?
It isn't clear from the text.

[...]

The only person in the household Ranma really liked was the master's
daughter, Midori.  She was tall, and slender, with long thick hair
that she wore in a braid that was wrapped around her head like a
crown.  Midori was one of the few girls who seemed to be able to mix
being feminine with being a martial artist.  She was willing to fight
him as hard as he would fight her.  Yet, whenever he was in her
presence Ranma was all too aware of the fact that this was a girl, and
a very desirable one.  He could also tell that she had an interest in
him that went beyond what he'd seen in other girls.

punc:  in her presence, Ranma

That hairstyle sounds mighty weird.  Hair wrapped around her head like
a crown?  Or a headband, I'd assume.  I don't think I've seen anything
like that before.

[...]

An alarm went off in Ranma's mind, screaming "DANGER!!!!" in a
deafening roar, but he was too far gone to heed it.  He had been given
far too few gifts through the years to even consider refusing the one
being offered to him now.

Ranma never got to unwrap the gift.  [...]

Fortunately, it was the self-unwrapping variety!  ;)

[...]

"Get dressed, and packed.  We're leaving."

suggest:  and packed, boy.

Not only is it classic Genma, but I think partiularly appropriate
given the situation.  :)

[...]

He knew why.  Akane.  Her long dark hair, her gi. . .a lot about her
reminded her of the first (and only) girl he had ever kissed.  Then
she'd finally spoken, and unknowingly made the resemblance
stronger. . .

suggest:  He knew why:  Akane.

[...]

The only response Ranma gave was a nod, and he followed her into the
dojo.  As they left the house, he could hear Akane's father speaking
to his.

suggest:  speaking to his own.
or:  speaking to Genma.
(Your wording is fine, but I found myself reading right through,
expecting a noun.  "His what?")

[...]

That word made both of them smile.  Ranma got up, and reached down for
Akane's hand.  She grasped it, and he pulled her to her feet.  They
were about to leave the room when Akane stopped him.  She looked
extremely embarrassed.

I can't help but note that he's not just getting up;
he's getting off of her.  :j  Sat on her, indeed!

[...]

Akane looked pained.

"They're going to pick me, you know.  Kasumi is practically engaged,
and Nabiki's trying to make up her mind between her two boyfriends.
I--I feel--"

Insert standard speaker/speech/dangling sentence comment here.

[...]

Akane's jaw nearly hit the floor.

"Your mother, that's who!"

Ditto.

[...]

Ranma immediately looked suspicious.

"Why not, Pop?"

Ditto.

[...]

Ranma's change of expression was not lost on the people in the room.
They knew Nodoka, and her ideas about men and women.

suggest:  The change in Ranma's expression

[...]

"One:  You're closest in age to Ranma than either me or Nabiki.  Two:
You're the martial artist in the family.  Three:  I know you don't
like boys, and Ranma is half girl--"

If there were any other reasons on Kasumi's list, she would never get
to express them.  Ranma threw down his chopsticks, rose from his seat,
and towered over her.

"Get this straight!  I'm a GUY!!  Not a girl, not half a girl, a GUY!"

Yeah, that wasn't a very nice thing that Kasumi said...

[...]

Akane lit up.

"Thank you!  That's exactly what I've been telling your mother.  Mom
did both, and I want to do both."

Speaker/speech/blah.

[...]

"I'm saying that I'd like to get to know you.  As a friend.  If it
doesn't work out, I'll leave.  There's no way our fathers are going to
force us to get married if we can't get along.  What do you say?"

Somebody's forgetting the maternal element...  The Tendos seem to
be in agreement that this Nodoka might hold Genma and Ranma to the
contract.  He'd better watch out....

[...]



I liked this part better than the prologue.  And not just becuase it's
significantly more Genma-friendly.  :j  There's more interaction, and
it's lot less dark.

Some people might not agree that Kasumi could become "mean," or Nabiki
suffer her own personality changes, as a result of Nodoka's presense,
but both characterizations seem plausible to me.  They may bear a little
more attention, though.

I've only made educated guesses as to the reasons for their new behavior.
Perhaps interaction between them and Nodoka will shed some more light on
the subject.

Later,


Doug

----
Douglas MacDougall                  "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net/             Cuter, too.  Definitely more sexy!"