1) I think the title's been taken, but I could be wrong.

2) You've got some VERY interesting and original twists on the storylines
thus far, enough that I'm actually interested in a fic that I'd normaly
skip.

3) I'd recommend you work on your formatting.  Either use an extra space
between paragraphs or indent.  Makes for easier reading.

4) The narration style, while not really bad, seems a bit...simplistic.  I
kept on having the feeling I was reading a children's story from the tone.

Overall, it shows much promise.  I'll be looking for more.

--
Christopher Angel, B.Sc.(CS), B.E. (EE)
angelcj@home.com

M.Sc. student at UCalgary