Characterization, rather stock.  The plot reads as if you just
didn't think it through at all.

I wouldn't have tagged it [Lemon], actually; more [Vio/Grue/Lemon]
or something like that.  Truth in advertising.

BTW, where's the blood and gore?

The invasion came without warning.
<clip>
It was soldiers. A military invasion.
<clip> 
It was clear that whoever was behind the invasion didn't want the
people of Nerima to know which country was actually responsible.

Allyn Yonge put this quite well.  This is so utterly implausible,
as written, that your readers don't know how to take this.  Perhaps
there's a force-field around Nerima, sealing it off, and the soldiers
are from another dimension?  What's the motive?  Since what you say
is happening _can't_, something else must be up.

She took out two dozen other soliders before returning to her
brother's side and using his bokken to end her own life,
collapsing onto the body of her brother.

Why does she commit suicide?  Why doesn't she just go kill more
soldiers until they gun her down?  And _how_, using a bokken?
It wouldn't be that easy; there's no edge.

But the soldiers ignored him and moved on to other conquests.

Huh?  Why do they skip shooting him?  I don't get it.

A soldier turned his gun upon Akane and shot her.

This guy'd be _real_ unpopular with his fellow soldiers...
So why'd he do it?

The hopsitals are
overflowing with wounded from the invasion a couple days ago."

"hospitals" (sp)  So the invasion has lasted two days now?  Either
the rest of Japan is similarly invaded, or something _really_ odd
is going on, if the invaders have lasted two days.

of uniform. Soldiers? But why? Why were there soldiers in Nerima?
It couldn't be right. But it was. He was sure of it. Nerima had,
for some reason he couldn't fathom, been invaded. 

Your readers can't fathom it either.  You still haven't given a
motive or a means.

"Oh, but I have." the soldier told him as he unzipped his pants.
"I had you three other times. Just like this!"
<clip>
coffee, "But there are so many other soldiers who had to have
their turns, too."

...???  While this is quite plausible, in wartime, for an army
utterly deprived of women, we have been given no reason to believe
that this is true for _this_ army.  They're in Nerima; there are
women of all ages readily available.

Again, since this _can't_ occur without background info that you
haven't offered (e.g. the army is exclusively homosexual, or all
Nerima women committed suicide two days ago), your reader is just
lost.  The reader doesn't, _can't_ trust the surface meaning of
your text, and so doesn't know what meaning to assign to _any_
of your sentences.

"Wait a minute. This is Ryoga Hibiki, the boy who's been
missing."

Okay, it's the middle of an invasion, but there's a short list (one?)
of people missing...  Must be very orderly streets, then.  Not
too hard to keep track of who's been killed by the invaders and who
hasn't...

unaware that Ryoga was now fully awake and aware of Sasuke's
presence. "Pity. You'll miss the show." He pushed his cock into
Ryoga's mouth, leering evilly.

There's an intruder, but the soldier is still playing?  Why isn't
the soldier shooting at Sasuke?  And what, precisely, is the point
of putting it in Ryoga's mouth is Ryoga is asleep?

his groin, but in an akward position. As he dropped to his knees,
holding himself, Sasuke drove a dagger into his head.

"awkward" (sp)  Sasuke drove a dagger _where_?  How about, Sasuke
slit the soldier's throat?  Sasuke drove a dagger into his heart?
Driving it through the skull just doesn't work for me.

"Look," Sasuke told him, "I know you're upset about Akane and
what they did to you, but..."

"I understand." Sasuke replied. "They killed Master Kuno and
Mistress Kodachi right in front of me. I was too late to stop
them."

Sasuke replied to himself?  I don't get it.

"Kodachi committed..."

Committed what?  Looks to me like she died a war hero.

"Any other girl, I'd say no." Sasuke admitted. "But Shampoo's an
Amazon and she can hold her own in a battle.

Granted, Shampoo is the best of the Nerima girl martial artists,
but this is still an AWFULLY chauvinistic remark for Sasuke to
make.  Why would Mikado be any better than Ukyou?

"I noticed." Ryoga blinked as he recognized the boy. "Prince
Toma?"

"Its just Toma now." Toma replied. "I moved here this past
summer.

Odd choice of character to re-introduce.  Not as powerful as many
one-offs; thirteen or so years of age.

Having recovered enough to use it, Ryoga broke the crates with
his breaking point technique.

??? Why?  He doesn't need to; Ryouga can just rip them apart.

Despite any claims she might make, part
of her, at least, was still in love with him, still clung to that
tiny hope that one day he might love her back, that he only
thought he loved Kasumi because he saw parts of Akane in her
older sister.

???  When is this set?  Unless very early in the series, I just
can't see this.

"I didn't know you could do stitches, doctor." Akane mused.

Tofu never once put stitches into Akane, after all the injuries
she acquired in fights while growing up?

They froze, suddenly brought back to reality by the sounds of
gunfire outside.

The soldiers were still gunning down people in the street. Or the
were taking prisoners out an summarily executing them.

The soldiers are still running amok in Nerima?  What is the rest
of Japan doing?  And if they're still "gunning down people" or
"summarily executing them", how can the fact that Ryouga was
missing register on anyone?  Hundreds of people are missing at
any given point in time.

"Mousse," the voice said, "heed my words. I am Foam, the first
Queen of the Amazons. You will avenge those who killed Shampoo
and Cologne."

And how/why did the soldiers kill Cologne?  If she couldn't beat
them, she's sure not going to provoke them.

"Ranma. When we go after the soldiers, I'm going to kill them."

"Ryoga..." Ranma tried to reason with him.

Given that the soldiers are killing people all over Nerima, I
don't see why Ranma has a problem with this.


I'm not sure what your intention is with this story.  It reads
a lot as if you just wanted to write about random wartime violence
in the Balkans or someplace similar.  If so, move your characters
there.  Keeping them in Japan strains credulity.

Your choice of characters is also somewhat odd.  You kill off Shampoo
and Cologne without ceremony (at least Kodachi went out shooting,
sort of), and then decide to use Toma and possibly Mikado Sanzenin.
If your intent is to explore the effect of violence on Ryouga's
psyche, you introduce too many distractions.

Again, think through your plot.  _You_ need to know everyone's motives,
even if some are hidden from your readers.  I didn't get the feeling
that you know why this army is here.  Is the army disciplined or
undisciplined?  They act the latter, but how did they successfully
invade any part of Japan that way?