Subject: RE: [FFML] [Fanfic][Lemon] Ranma 1/2: Tortured Echo (parts 7-12)
From: "Miller, Bert" <bert.miller@unisys.com>
Date: 7/5/1999, 10:49 AM
To: "'trakal@map.com'" <trakal@map.com>
CC: "'ffml@fanfic.com'" <ffml@fanfic.com>

Okay, I'm a masochist.  I actually read the second half of this.
Believe it or not, there are even _more_ loose ends in this part,
and _none_ of the loose ends in the first part get explained.
Boy, am I confused.

"Ryoga's been ... disgraced, hasn't he?"

So Ranma views _being_ raped as a disgrace?


"That is what I've concluded." Dr. Tofu replied. "Ranma. You must
watch over him carefully in our upcoming battles. He is a strong
warrior, but his overwhelming sense of honor and his overpowering
hatred of the enemy could cloud his judgement in combat."

So Ryouga might try to commit suicide?

as he saw Mousse running toward him. There was something with
him, a small object, like a toy planet but far more
sophisticated. The object flew to just above Ryoga.

"Strike just below my voice." it told Mousse. "The one who
killed Shampoo is here."

This "toy planet" just comes out of left field.  The supposedly
normal soldiers have the technology to make something like this?
And why?  What's their motive?  Doing such a thing is completely
at odds with the undisciplined violence and indiscriminate rape
we've seen them engaged in.

from Mousses's blows. "They took me prisoner. I was held for
days. Tortured." He blushed with shame. "Raped."

And Ryoga's motive for admitting this to Mousse is what?

illusion instinctively, then remembered that Mousse was blind.

Meaning that Toma's illusions work by actually creating light,
not stimulating the visual centers of the cortex directly.

BTW, why _did_ you introduce Toma into this story?  He plays no
necessary part whatsoever.


"I can smell the enemy on you." Mousse snarled. "All of Nerima
knows you're their whore. You enjoyed it, didn't you?

??? "smell"?  "All of Nerima"?  


"Because, Ryoga." Tofu explained, gently, "you're the one who
told him that his quest for revenge was a lie."

When was this?  Did I miss it?  Or are you talking about explaining
that Foam's voice was coming from a "toy planet"?  Somehow, I'd
have thought Mousse's reaction to the latter would be to get even
madder at the soldiers.


"I signed up for the draft, which was required back when I was a
teenager," he explained.

???  Draft?  In Japan?  In the '80s?  I'm lost again...  Maybe this
is a parallel universe where Japan is _in_ the Balkans, and has had
a completely different history?

I would've been called in this time, if the attack
had been announced."

The enemy simultaneously took over all radio and tv stations
in Japan?


"How about seeing a medic to make sure you're not sick or
infected."
<clip> 
"First thing." Dr. Tofu nodded. "I'll take you there."

(blink)  Tofu isn't going to do the tests himself?  And how
can he "take you there" if there is random killing going on
in the streets?


Ryoga saw the torn, empty sockets of his eyes and thought:

You think *you've* got problems?

Well, yes.  Mousse has to live the rest of a _normal_ lifespan
blind.  This seems very insensitive of Ryouga.


"Ryoga! Wait!" Ranma ran after him. "You can't go out there! Its
too dangerous!"

??? (blink) ??? Didn't Ryouga and Tofu just get back from "out there"?
Is there random violence on the streets or isn't there?


"That son of a bitch gave me AIDS." Ryoga choked in horrified
resignation.

Well, that was fast.  AIDS usually takes a while to develop
after one becomes HIV positive.  Of course, Ryouga wouldn't
necessarily be precise under the circumstances.

And how does Ryouga know _which_ "son of a bitch" it was?


Instead, Ranma hugged him close and wept with him until their
tears were spent.

Ranma seems OOC to me here.  How about, "pounded Ryouga on the
back"?  And perhaps "tried to cheer Ryouga up, putting his foot
in his mouth as he did"?


Dr. Tofu nodded. "We'll need to find some explosives." He said.
"If we plant a few small ones near the oil heater in the basement
of the high school, it will blow up the whole building."

1)  It won't.  2)  Why does this help?  Are all of the soldiers
in the high school?  None out patrolling?  And what about the
rest of Japan?


"I'm sure they've got all the explosives and materials for
making them." Ranma pointed out. "So that plan's a wash."

??? EXCUSE ME?   In a modern industrial society, the enemy has
ALL of the materials for making explosives?  Sasuke doesn't
know where Kodachi's secret stash is?  The local pharmacy has
been cleaned out of Saltpeter and Sulfer?


"Ryoga, you'll be killed if..."

He can't fire a Shishi Hokodan at the oil heater from a distance,
then leap out of the building?

signal us through these walkie-talkes. 

??? Where did these walkie-talkies come from?  The enemy has
confiscated every single chemical that could be used to make an
explosive, but the group obtained these ??/


Dr. Tofu had repaired the sphere and Akane was now speaking
through it.

Implying Akane has a transmitter, which she got from somewhere,
and that Tofu has changed the frequency so that the original
signals don't conflict.


The guard recognized the sphere

So the plan with the "toy planet" is known to the entire army?

There was a flash of recognition
in his eyes and Ranma caught it.

"This is for Ryoga." He snarled, as he reached down and without
hesitation, broke the soldier's neck.

I'd certainly _hope_ Ranma had no hesitation in killing, under
the circumstances.  But why can he suddenly kill, just like that,
if the battle with this one soldier has lasted long enough for
Ryouga to recognize Ranma's opponent?  Apparently this soldier
is a very competent martial artist himself.


They sneaked past a number of soldiers in the basement, then
reached the oil heater.

??? What are these soldiers doing in the basement?  Hiding
from Tofu, Toma, and Sasuke?


Ranma stood there, tears in his eyes.
<clip> 
Ranma shook his head. "No." He said. "I'm not leaving."
<clip> 
"Ryoga, listen to me." Ranma took Ryoga's hand. "I don't want to
live without you. Okay, that's pretty corny, I know. But I don't
care. I... I love you, Ryoga."

Ryoga looked at Ranma in wonderment. "I love you, too." 
<clip>
They spoke their last two words together, their voices united as
their ki had been.

(blink-blink)  All right, _WHAT_ was _THAT_ ???  WHERE did it come
from?  With Akane still alive?  Neither one _really_ feels enough
for Akane to insist that the other live for her?  I'm really
scratching my head over this one...


And how does the destruction of this one school help anything?  Aren't
there still invaders all over Japan?

To summarize:
1)  We never learned who the army was, what they were doing in Nerima,
    and even whether the invasion was Japan-wide or not.  Ergo, we
    have no reason to believe that the destruction of the Nerima HQ
    accomplishes anything whatsoever.

2)  No reason for Toma's being here was ever presented.

3)  The whole thing with Mousse and the "toy planet" remains completely
    unexplained.  Why?  How?

4)  The scene at the end is completely OOC for _your own characters_.
    You've given us no reason whatsoever to expect it in Ranma's and
    Ryoga's prior behavior _in this story_.

5)  In the first half of the story, it seems like the author's motivation
    was to write a random-Balkan-violence-in-Nerima story.  In this part,
    however, the intent seems to be some sort of AIDS morality tale, but
    I don't get it.  Ryoga contracting HIV doesn't have any _necessary_
    plot importance at all, and only a contrived one in making him willing
    to conduct a kamikaze strike (and it isn't necessary for that; the
    rape itself would have been enough, if even that was required.  We are
    talking about Japanese people here.).
    If the author's intent is the Ranma-Ryoga relationship, then why does
    it come out of thin air, instead of being developed?
    What was this story supposed to be about, anyway?