I can see where you were *trying* to go with this one, and I like the
basic idea of it. It's the execution that needs a lot of work....

Chess Combites <chess@umr.edu> wrote:

	He was close.  He could feel it.  He had chased the freak accross 
the ocean.  and down the beaches of this continant.  But for now he was 

Period after ocean should be a comma, and 'continent' is misspelled.

taking a break.  Relaxing in a bar.  Thinking of his revenge.

	"Hey Chink!  Your in my seat." 

"Hey, Chink!

	He tourned around.  A large man in his late thirties stood behind 
him.  He was all mucle and had a scar on his left cheek.  A browler.  He 

brawler.

could take him in less than a second.  Preparing himself he took a relaxed 
stance.  "Well I don't see your name on it."

	This seamd to enrage the man severly for hwe lunged at him.

he

Try to do a read-through of your story before you post and/or run it
through electronic spell-check. Having some typos is understandable, but
there are a lot of fairly obvious mistakes here.

	Quicker than a blink he had the man pinned agains the bar a brokken 

broken

bottle at his cheak..  "Well  reind I do so hate killing nobodies so why 

'cheek', only one period, and I don't even know what 'reind' is supposed
to be.

don't you be a dear and tell me your name."

	At first the man blanched then after a little more pressure was 
applied he spoke.  "Sue."

	"Whats that?"

"What's

	"My name is Sue."

	"Well Sue I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm... Going to buy 

"Well, Sue, I'll

Also, 'going' shouldn't be capitalized.

Also, our hero's change of heart seems a little too abrupt. Not being a
native English speaker, how does he even know that "Sue" is considered a
bad name for a male? I suggest having Sue exhibit some visible
embarrassment over his name. "There. I told you. Go ahead and laugh."

you a drink.  Barkeep two beers."  With that he released the man and took 

Barkeep, two

the seat beside him.  After the bartender brought the beers the chinaman 

Capitalize Chinaman (China is a proper noun)

spoke again.  "So freind whats your story?"

"So, friend, what's

	"Well see the name was my fathers idea.  I never new him but my 

"Well, see, the name was my father's idea.  I never knew him but my 

mother told me it was his wish that I be named Sue.  If I wated it changed 

wanted

I would have to find him and take it up with him.  So I've been serchen 

searching, or searchin'

cross the country for him.  You can ima'gen that a name like Sue can 'cause 
some problems.  'Cause of that when you made that comment about the seat 
have'n my name I lost it.  Sorry 'bout that and thanks for the beer."

Apostrophes are used to indicate missing parts of words. 'Cause is
correct when it means "because" (as it does the second time you use it)
but not when it actually means cause (as the first time here.) Likewise,
cross in the first line above should be 'cross because it means "across"
but ima'gen doesn't make sense, and "have'n" should be haven' or havin'
because it's the ending "g" that this guy is dropping.

	The chinaman nodded, paid for the beers then stode up.  "Well 

Capitalize Chinaman, and "stood" is misspelled.

freind I must admit you had

"Well, friend, I

it tough but, It could have been worse.  You 

tough, but it

could have had my name."

	The man gave the chinaman a doubtfull look then asked.  "And what 

the Chinaman a doubtful look, then

is that freind?"

that, friend?"

	The chinaman fingerd his sash then look at Sue.  "Pantyhose," he 

Chinaman fingered his sash, then looked

said.

	Sue nodded his head in acnologment and Pantyhose turned to leave.

acknowledgement

	"Hey Chinaman"

Need a comma after Hey

	Pantyhose turned to look back at Sue.

	"Hit 'em once for me."

Who? Pantyhose didn't mention anything about Happosai. How does this guy
know?


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html