Subject: Re: [FFML] [Ranma]Ranma-chan: Genie of the Ring chapter 07
From: Douglas MacDougall
Date: 6/29/1999, 6:49 PM
To: "Tom Mathews a.k.a.Disruptor" <godphoniex@HOTMAIL.COM>
CC: Fanfic Mailing List <ffml@fanfic.com>


C&C Below.  Snippage throughout.

	Ranma awoke and looked up. She noticed that she was no longer in
the building, but inside the ruby. She looked at her clothing and
closed her eyes. Sighing in annoyance, Ranma realized she was back in
the genie costume.

The beginning of this paragraph is a little choppy, with a few short
sentences in succession.  The last sentence reads much more nicely.

[...]

	She walked around the edges of her world, feeling as empty as her
world.

Don't use the same word or phrase (e.g. "her world") multiple times in
quick succession if you can avoid it.  Pick different words or change
the sentence, if necessary.

suggest:  her world, feeling as empty as it.
or:  as empty as the ruby and its lone occupant.

The softly glowing red sky of the interior of the ring bore
witness to her slow walk. Looking towards where the horizon was
supposed to be, Ranma saw the dark crimson walls that encircled her
world. The genie sighed when she saw the book that Akane had wished up
for her. A slight spasm hit Ranma, when she was about ready to sit
down.

Is the spasm becuase she was about to sit down,
or becuase she's about to be summoned?

	*Here we go. I've got to be nuts in thinking that being pulled
into and out of a ring in the form of smoke is an enjoyable experience.

Those are awfully big words for Ranma.  :j
I think she'd put it more simply.

[...]

	"What is your wish, master?" Ranma asked. ---

What is the "---" for?

	As soon as Akane saw Ranma faint, she moved to catch her. Akane
forgot that she was wearing the ring. Ranma was pulled into the ring
once she touched it. Akane looked around and saw that no one saw Ranma
vanish.

suggest:  looked around, making sure that no one saw.
(Don't use "saw" twice in the same sentence.)

	Sighing with relief, Akane thought, *I'd better summon Ranma out
of my ring, since no one's watching. I'm going to have to wish to know
why Ranma fainted. That jer... Ranma never admits to being ill. I hope
he won't hate me.*

	Akane cringed a bit as she rubbed her ring. Smoke poured out of
it and formed Ranma-chan.

suggest:  rubbed the ring.
("Rubbing her ring" sounds vaguely ecchi.)

suggest: wish to know why she fainted.

Okay, this was very confusing.  Was Ranma summoned out of the ring,
fainted, and then got sucked back in?  If so, Akane should say
"I'd better summon Ranma out of my ring *again*."

	"What is your wish, master?" the genie mechanically asked.

	"Ranma, I wish that you were in the clothes you were in before
you fainted."

	Ranma's eyes flashed red and her clothes changed.

Please describe what her clothes changed into.
Her normal Chinese outfit?

[...]

	Ranma's eyes glowed crimson for a second. Once the glow faded,
Ranma started talking in a monotone.

	"My female form ran out of energy. Resting and eating do not
restore energy. Only by being in the ring will I recover any energy."

Is Ranma's speaking mechanically, you might want to consider making
her talk in the third person.  It would make her sound even more
disassociated:

"This body ran out of energy.  Only by being in the ring will it
be restored; eating and sleeping have no effect."
(etc.)

[...]

	"I need to spend at least a couple of hours for every seven days.
I fainted because this is the eighth day. If I use a lot of magic, I
have to return sooner and/or stay longer."

Speaking "and/or" sounds weird.

	Akane bit her lip in apprehension, before commanding, "Ranma, I
order you back into the ring."

	Ranma nodded robotically and said, "Yes, master."

	Akane flinched at that. Ranma closed her eyes and turned into
smoke. The smoke lifted from the ground and flowed into the ruby. Akane
put her hand against the wall and sobbed softly. After a minute, she
wiped the tears away and headed towards her table.

	*I hate being called that,* Akane thought. "I never thought that
one word could hurt so much.*

"I'd much rather be called Mistress!"  ^o^

	Akane arrived back at the table and greeted Kasumi. Looking at
Akane, Kasumi asked a question.

	"Akane, where's Ranma?"

suggest:  and greeted her older sister.  Kasumi looked at her and
asked, "Where's Ranma?"
(You use Kasumi twice and Akane three times in a succession of just
nineteen words.  More than 25% recycled words...)

[...]

	"Don't worry, I'm sure that he's just fine. Let's sell these
books, Kasumi."

This would be a good place for a physical description of the books,
and/or how they are being presented.

[...]

	"I've always wondered what it would be like to be her. She could
do everything," Kasumi wistfully said.

	"So have I. Any skill was hers by just yelling the words: 'Honey,
flash'," Akane said. "Of course there is the bit where she is the one
doing the rescuing, not a guy."

punc:  Of course, there

suggest:  She could have any skill just by yelling
suggest:  there's also the fact that she's the one
(I think they better fit Akane's speech patterns.)

	Kasumi nodded and said, "Let's get set up. Hopefully this year
we'll sell out."

suggest:  sell everything
("Sell out" has negative connotations.)

	Akane looked at one of the titles and groaned, "Kasumi, I can't
believe you drew a crossover dojinshi of the U.S Dungeons and Dragons
show and Magic Knights Rayearth."

sp:  U.S.
suggest you delete "dojinshi"
suggest:  Dungeons and Dragons cartoon
or:  anime

	"I like Diana, and Sheila reminds me of myself somewhat."

punc:  myself, somewhat.

[...]

	 Akane's mood took a gloomier turn when she thought of Ranma. She
hoped he'd be all right inside the ring. She had had no choice in
putting him back in there. Hopefully he could forgive her. Akane shook
off her dark mood and started selling books.

suggest:  had no choice but to put him back in there
suggest:  shook off the dark thoughts

As you've noticed, I've ranted about repeating words.  Just so you know,
"had had" is one of the hardest combos to get rid of.  Fortunately, in
this case, you can use a contraction:

suggest:  She'd had no choice

Actually, I'd put another contraction at the end, too:

suggest:  Hopfully, he'd forgive her.
(Spelling out a word where a contraction will do sounds formal.)

	Ranma laid on her back and looked at the sky of her world,
noticing the only thing in the sky were softly glowing red swirls of
color.

suggest:  the only thing above were
(Gets rid of the repeated "sky".)

	"Back in the ring again. Oh joy. Well, at least I know why I
don't feel hungry while a girl. This gem restores my energy."

suggest:  while I'm a girl.

[...]

	Ranma looked down at herself and sighed, "I might as well get
used to wearing this type of clothing. I'm stuck with it, anyway."

	Closing her eyes, Ranma started changing the colors of her
clothes. She also experimented with slightly different styles. After a
few minutes, she stopped.

I'm confused here.  You never describe what clothes she's in now,
so we don't know what she means by "this type of clothing."

	"This one feels right," Ranma stated to herself. *I would love to
have a mirror right now*

	As soon as she finished that thought, a two meter tall standing
mirror appeared in front of her.

	"Wha..." Ranma blurted and then speculated, "Maybe, I can control
this place."

punc:  blurted, and then

[...]

	Green silk pantaloons covered her legs. She was wearing a red
halter. Over the halter, Ranma was wearing a shirt of clear silk. The
shirt ended just below the ribcage, leaving the midriff bare. At the
bottom of the shirt and at the end of the sleeves were blue bands. She
sighed as she realized, the bands represented her slavery to the ring.

suggest:  covered her legs, and a red halter covered her top.
suggest:  shirt of clear silk, which ended just

	"Well I'm done with that. I guess this will be my default
uniform. Now, let's see if I can enchant my clothes, so they change
when I change. I don't want to be wearing this getup as a guy."

What does she mean by "default uniform"?  It sounds like she has
multiple uniforms.

	Ranma's clothes glowed for a few seconds, as she charged her
clothes with magic, and then faded. Ranma called forth a steaming
kettle from the ether.

suggest:  glowed for a few seconds, and then faded, as she
(It sounds like the clothes faded, not the glow.)

	"Okay now to see if my clothes change into my standard clothes
when I change into a guy."

punc:  Okay, now

The use of "default uniform" and "standard clothes" sound very
jargon-y.  Most people would just say "regular."

	Ranma took the teakettle and poured the water over herself.
Remaining unchanged, Ranma dropped the kettle in shock.

suggest:  still female, she dropped

[...]

	Ranma pondered her situation and realized something.

suggest: and thought up a possible explanation.
or:  and thought she figured out the reason.
(Does she really know that her "realization" is correct?)

	"I'm inside the ring as smoke. Maybe it really isn't water. It
just acts like it for me in all ways except triggering my curse."

suggest:  acts like it.  But since it isn't really water, it can't
trigger my curse."

[...]

	Ranma flew higher and faster, forgetting about her worries. That
was when a part of Ranma's new condition reestablished itself.
Suddenly, she came to a bone-jarring stop in mid-air, though he
couldn't see or even feel anything in front of her. It was a feeling
like reaching forward with a hand as far as it would go, and trying to
push further. Stopped by a wall that wasn't there. He felt like a mime.

	Pounding on the 'wall' in frustration, Ranma said to herself, "I
forgot. I was so caught up in enjoying being able to fly I forgot."

What did she forget?

	Ranma looked towards the ground of her world and decided to see
if she could teleport.

	A slight feeling of dizziness swept over Ranma. A moment later,
one of Ranma's slippered feet was touching the kettle that she had
brought forth earlier.

The above paragraphs read like:
"I wonder if this works?"  Ranma tries X.  X works.
"I wonder if THIS works?"  Ranma tries Y.  Y works.

It's rather dry.

	Ranma knelt to pick up the kettle. Standing back up, she checked
its contents.

	"Guess that confirms that. The 'water' is still hot," Ranma said
quietly, as she willed the kettle back into the ether.

I'm unclear on what she's confirming.  That she can teleport?
Or that the water stays hot?

[...]

	"I can't do that in here. I can summon or change stuff in here
with just some concentration. I need to do that outside Akane's ring.
Probably the same goes for summoning information."

suggest:  getting information
(Summoning information sounds like information on how to summon Ranma.)

Ranma sure is jumping to a lot of conclusions...

	Ranma looked at a blank spot in the landscape. A full color
statue of Genma appeared. Ranma took a step forward and started
pounding on the statue with all of her martial arts techniques.

With the possible exception of the "Crouch of the Wild Tiger."  ;)

	"This is all your fault old man. If you hadn't taken us to that
stupid training ground..."

punc:  fault,

Gee, Ranma, if you'd been a better martial artist, you wouldn't
have fallen in!

	After a bit Ranma slumped to the ground exhausted, her
frustration spent. She noticed that the dummy pieces dissolved into
nothingness.

punc:  a bit, Ranma

	"Okay, basic stuff I can do and learn. I guess I'm going to have
to have Akane train me," Ranma said dejectedly. "Great. Just great. I
have to have Akane use me as a puppet, just so I can learn to control
my magic better."

Ugh.  Double "have to have"s!
suggest:  I'm going to have to get Akane to train me
suggest:  I need her to use me

	Ranma slowly turned her gaze to an object lying near her. It was
the book that Akane had wished up. The young genie studied the exterior
of the tome.
The book was 30 centimeters wide, 60 centimeters long, and 15
centimeters thick. The cover looked to be a yellow leather wrapped
around flat plates of some hard material. The leather binding had
various martial arts symbols worked into it.

Big book!

suggest:  the book was about thirty
(Without the "about", it sounds like Ranma's using a ruler.)

suggest:  The binding has various
(Get rid of the extra "leather".)

What are martial arts symbols, anyway?  I can't
think of any symbols besides the yin-yang symbol.

Spell out thrity, sixty, and fifteen.

	Ranma wondered what secrets were in the book, and was about to
head over to it. She suddenly stopped and thought of something else to
do, first. She headed over to the bedroll and futon she willed up and
laid down. She figured that a nap would recharge her reserves faster.

gram:  head over to it, when she suddenly stopped, and
(You can't just end a sentence with "and was about to head over to it.")

gram:  futon that she had willed

[...]

	*Her ring? When did I start calling this ring, Akane's?* Ranma
asked herself.

punc:  calling this ring Akane's?

[...]

	Akane walked away in 'search' of Ranma, not noticing that Kasumi
was watching her. Kasumi picked up the money that they made today and
headed to an ATM machine situated inside the convention hall.

suggest:  ATM inside the
(You don't need the "situated", and ATM stand for Automatic
Teller Machine, so the second machine is redundant.)

	*I do hope that Akane and Ranma will confide in me about this new
problem,* Kasumi thought to herself, as she deposited the money into
their savings account. *Both have been extremely careful about
revealing anything.*

	She smiled wistfully as she thought of the probelem.

sp:  problem

	*It'll be nice to be an aunt. I wonder if it will be a boy or
girl.*

Say what?  I don't have a problem with Kasumi jumping to this
conclusion, but we don't know WHY she jumped to the conclusion.
What did she see or hear that made her think Akane was pregnant?

	Akane found an empty room and quickly enetered it. She quietly
closed the door and took a deep breath. Akane started rubbing her ring
and watched as the smoke came forth once more and formed Ranma. Akane
stared at Ranma for a second, before speaking.

sp: entered

[...]

	"Okay then. Ranma, I wsh that you were back in your standard
_boy_ clothes and some hot water would splash you in the face."

sp:  wish

	Wiping his face with his hands, Ranam stated somewhat
sarcastcially, "Thanks a lot Akane. I really needed another bath."

sp:  Ranma
sp:  sarcastically

	Akane giggled but ddn't say another word.

punc:  giggled, but
sp:  didn't

[...]

	"We managed to sell everything this time around," Kasumi said
softly. "We should have more than enough money..."

	Ranma shrugged, not realizing that Kasumi's words held a hidden
implication.

suggest:  not realizing that Kasumi was suggesting another reason
why they might need money.

The rest of the trip back was very quiet. Akane tried to
engage Ranma in some small talk, but he didn't really feel like
talking. Akane soon gave up. The cab reached the Tendo home and let its
pasengers off. Kasuim made her way into the house. Before Akane could
follow her, Ranma grabbed her shoulder. She turned to look at Ranma.
The pig-tailed martial artist kept twidling his fingers as stammered.

sp:  passengers
sp:  Kasumi

	"Akane, I need you to do something for me," Ranma heavily
stuttered. "I...I want you to make wishes. I need to train my genie form,
but..."

Use three periods for ellipses, not a special Windows-only characters.

[...]

	Ranma watched as Akane went inside the house. He shook his head
and hoped he had done th right thing. A bicycle bell announced the
arrival of Shampoo.

sp:  the

	"Where Akane?" Shampoo angrily demanded. "Shampoo will kill Akane
for stealing Ranma."

suggest:  Where is Akane?
suggest:  Shampoo will kill her
(Her speech isn't that bad.)



I don't know what you did for the last half, but there was a sudden
increase in spelling mistakes.

This seems to be a chapter set on explaining how the inside of Ranma's
ring works.  Ranma is figuring a lot of things out, but I'm having
trouble believing *how* he reaches those conclusions.

I would strongly encourage you to read your writing aloud.  When
you speak and hear the words, you'll get a better sense of how they
flow off the page.

Not a lot happened between Akane and Ranma, which is where my real
interest lies.  It should be interesting to see how Ranma's coming
to terms with being a "slave to the ring", and voluntarily submitting
herself to Akane will work out!

Later,


Doug

----
Douglas MacDougall                  "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net/             Cuter, too.  Definitely more sexy!"