Subject: Re: [FFML] [Ranma] Unwanted part one
From: "Arthur Hansen" <arthurh@utah-inter.net>
Date: 6/26/1999, 5:56 PM
To: <ffml@fanfic.com>, "Gary Kleppe" <kleppe@execpc.com>

Punctuation and grammer was taken into consideration while I'm rewriting
this first part a bit. I was caught up in a creative frenzy the last couple
of days.


Okay, overall stuff first, since I've had to quote most of the fic in
the detail work. Though the idea has been used quite a bit before, I
think the story has potential and I'd like to see more.

I thought the major characters (Ranma and Akane) were well-handled; less
so for the supporting cast (see detail below). I do think more detail on
some of the characters' internal struggle would enhance the story. We
see Akane come to a decision concerning Ranma but we aren't shown *how*
she comes to that decision.

I did add a bit to Akane, but I still feel it needs more work. Some of the
characters may seem a bit out of character, but I can't really say that
we've ever been truly shown how racist any of them are. So I made some
decisions about how characters would react for storyline. There are a few
twists and turns on this little story.

"Arthur Hansen" <arthurh@utah-inter.net> wrote:
I came across a (very short) story awhile back, and it just screamed for
me
to write a much bigger version. It's a bit darker than my other
fanfictions.
I can't remember where the original story is or who wrote it. Besides,
I'm
changing it to fit what I think could happen.

The original story was Susan Doemine's "Poison." I believe it's in the
RAAC archives.

Thank you. I do appreciate the people how told me what the original
inspiration was.

Nabiki frowned, reading over her college applications again. So many
choices, so many pitfalls to avoid. It was getting close to the end of
her
senior year, and she wanted to pick just the right university or college.
The one that would put her on the fast track up corporate ladders. She
glanced at the clock, checking to see how much time she had left to get
to
the dinner party.
"I've still got some time." Nabiki muttered to herself.

It would help if you'd skip a line between paragraphs or indent by more
than one space (or both).

Cutting and pasting did a horrible slash job on my indentation. The real
document looks much nicer.

<snip>
And then the other fiances. Kodachi surprisingly was the easiest one.
She
had known that Ranma didn't even like her much. The only reason she
hadn't
given up on him was because he was fun to be around. None of Ranma's
friends
had ever been afraid of her, and she had considered them to be some of
her
best friends. What an odd concept.

That *is* pretty odd....

But does fit why she didn't give up on Ranma, even though she knows that he
doesn't love her. It's all one big blast of fun for her. Kodachi is *odd*.

Ukyou was tough for Ranma. It took almost a week, but he finally
convinced
her that he actually wanted to marry Akane. Poor Ukyou had broken down
and
cried her heart out. It had taken her another week to finally forgive
Ranma
for following his heart. She was still very fragile emotionally.

Hmmm... crying her heart out doesn't seem like her style, but if you say
so....

Well, not just crying. This is Nabiki reminiscing (sp?), not the actual
events.

Shampoo had explained to Ranma that she knew he didn't love her, and was
going to marry Akane. Shampoo had explained to Ranma that by her laws, if
she didn't try to stop Ranma, she would be forever dishonored in her
ancestors eyes and kicked out of her tribe and family.

Again, this is rather dubious, but I suppose I can accept it for the
sake of the story if it's really necessary.

Also these are very abreviated synopsis's of why they are actually at the
dinner party. I really don't feel like writing a 'Ranma get's everything
handled' fic right now.

 Ranma and Shampoo had actually talked about Shampoo's problem, and
agreed
that the best course was to disable her just before the wedding. Shampoo
had
demanded this for her honor. She knew she wasn't capable of taking Ranma
in
a fight, but she had to give it her all. She had explained quite
thoroughly
that it had to be physically impossible for her to break up the wedding.
Nabiki really hoped that it really wouldn't require Ranma to break that
many bones. Shampoo seemed to insist that it would.

No it wouldn't. Knockout gas is readily available in Nerima. Ranma's
used it on her before. See Ranma 1/2 vol. 8, part 2. 'Sides, her cat
curse makes it easy to restrain her (well, maybe not when Ranma's doing
it.... ^_^;;)

(This is character interpetation - if it's supposed to be on the list, I
won't comment again.)
Shampoo needed 'tangible' proof that she couldn't make it to the wedding and
stop it. Being in a hospital with multiple broken limbs would definitely
quiet most Amazons about how hard Shampoo tried to follow her honor given
duty.

Ranma had promised on
his honor. It would at least help salvage Shampoo's honor enough so that
she
could go home. Luckily, Cologne was still in China, resolving some sort
of
inter-tribal problem.
Kuno had taken to carrying around the family katana everywhere. He
seemed
to be getting desperate. He had tried to kill Ranma at least three times.

Actually trying to kill is a little extreme for Kuno. Besides, getting
desperate would imply that he was cognizant of what was happening. :)

Again, a bit of character interpetation. Kuno did show up to the wedding
with a live katana. He isn't quite so stupid to ignore Ranma 'handling' the
other fiances'. And even Kuno can become desperate.

<snip>
The door slammed open, drawing everyone attention to Nabiki. Nabiki
looked
as if she had run a marathon. "STOP. I'm not going to let my sister marry
.
. . that . . . person. Father, how could you engage us to an untouchable?
One of those filthy, despicable creatures!."  Nabiki yelled at the top of

Don't double-punctuate. ! by itself is fine.

That was my typing skills at work. =)

lungs, quite a breach of etiquette. She even had her shoes on.
Everyone gaped. Soun finally responded tentavely, "Nabiki, what are you
talking about. Please calm down and talk to you father outside."

about?

Good question, isn't it? This is a dangling plot thread at this point.

<snip>

Nabiki was never "almost married" to Ranma. Her taking over the
engagement in vol. 17 was just a scam.

This is a hysterical Nabiki talking, not a calm rationale Nabiki.

<snip>
Sasuke listened with wide open eyes. He was tucked away in a tight crawl
space underneath the restaurant. His master would be quite pleased. And
with
that he struggled to crawl his stunted form out of the crawl ways.

If this fic is manga based (as you've said by the title) then there
shouldn't be a Sasuke. You might be able to use Gosunkugi in his part.
Or just write him out; he doesn't look to be essential here.

I don't have a problem with adding Anime characters to a 'strictly' manga
based continuation. Sasuke really does seem to be a fairly reasonable
character addition.

Sasuke didn't even notice the small cat with purple socks sitting there.
Shampoo was confused. Her Japanese language skills were pretty good these
days, but she just didn't understand the why. The kitten scrunched her
eyes

She isn't the only one who's confused. What does the why refer to? Why
what?

This is Shampoo's unawarness of Japanese customs and mores. She might speak
fairly decent Japanese. But she really doesn't know that much about the
Japanese.

closed, and tried to think of who she could ask. Her cat eyes opened
wide.
Of course, the one who helped her when it looked like Akane was winning.
Ukyou.
Shampoo scampered along. Maybe she still had a chance to win her loves

<snip>
It's best to have a fixed policy on pronouns for female Ranma. Either he
or she works, but don't switch between them unless it's because of a POV
shift.

This actually was a POV that tried to convey Ranma's feelings at that time.
I did fix a small screw up with this.

The red head in front of him bared her teeth in a rictus of hate. Eyes
wild, Ranma drew upon the negative emotions in her, and clenched them in
her
fist. A fist that could normally shatter concrete impacted into the
ground
with all of her ki. The ground exploded with the force of his strike.
Buildings for a half block lost their windows as gravel traveling at
bullet
speeds hit them.  Burglar alarms started to go off.
In a few minutes, the policemen that showed up were treated to a strange
sight of a young foreign girl, kneeling in a crater twenty feet across
that

Um... "foriegn girl?" Ranma's female form is either Japanese or Chinese
(depending on how you think the curses work), and has never been noted
as looking different than an ordinary Japanese. (Even if you believe in
the anime hair colors, none of the characters have ever noticed them.)

In the dark, at fifty feet? Most peoples first impression will be to assume
that Ranma's female form isn't oriental.

<snip>
Except for most of the male population of Furinkan... but I can
understand why Akane would feel this way even if she's dead wrong.

That might be true. And I can't really say for sure. I'm writing about an
fairly alien concept. (Caste/Class) and how it works in a foriegn culture.
I'm also dramatizing it.

And Akane's might be blowing it a bit out of proportion.

"Well, to be truthful, he was just an excuse to come visit at such a
late
hour. We've been looking for a red haired girl. She was seen running from
the police after damaging several business and a police car. We were
hoping
that you might know where she is." The officer said, tipping his hat. He
<snip>


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html

Thanks for the grammer check. I had forgotten some of my rules since I've
been out of highschool almost ten years, and just recently started to write.
Something I had never been partial to before.