Caution:  Everyone's probably wildly OOC....  ^_^

Heero's with Duo, Quatre's with Trowa, Wufei... well, you'll see.

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    MAXWELL'S DEMON:  A Gundam Wing fanfic by Madamhydra
        (a "Relena Knows Something" dark comedy)
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        Part 1
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WARNING:  shonen-ai, mild yaoi

Short Disclaimer: (Full Disclaimers at the end)
    Gundam Wing copyrighted by its respective creators and all
distributors of their work and used without permission.

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    "MAXWELL'S DEMON" - An idea of famed physicist James Clerk Maxwell
proposing a 'demon' (a device or entity) who could theoretically do an
impossible task -- violate the second law of thermodynamics by forcing
heat to flow backward from hot to cold.  Basically something that 
presumably allows you to do something which otherwise might be 
statistically unlikely.  ^_^
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    They all ended up inside the safehouse, Relena being forcibly
escorted in by Wufei after he managed to pry her off of Heero.  As for
the Gundam Wing pilot, he was sticking close to Duo, although it was
unclear just who was protecting whom.

    "All right, woman, explain yourself!" the Chinese pilot snapped.

    "I TOLD you what's going on!  He's a monster!" she said in a
hostile, snippy tone as she jabbed a long-nailed finger at Duo.

    Duo groaned and rolled his eyes.  "What did I do to deserve
this!?"

    Heero snorted before saying, "And what are you doing back so
early?  You were supposed to be gone all afternoon."

    "It didn't take me as long as I thought to get the parts, so I
came back.  Now I'm wishing I hadn't!"

    Relena quietly fumed.  It had been so difficult to find a chance
to speak to Heero alone, then that... that monster had to screw things
up by showing up early! 

    Quatre looked adorably confused and said, "You know, I'd say that
this was a rather bad and tasteless joke, except I didn't think Miss
Peacecraft made jokes, at least not like this."

    Duo sighed and leaned over toward her.  In a quiet voice, he said,
"Listen, Relena.  I know you don't like me much, but don't you think
you're carrying this whole thing -- whatever it is -- a bit too far?"

    Relena know exactly what the demonic monster was up to.  It wanted
to cut some sort of deal.  Duo was giving her a chance to back down
and pretend that it was all some sort of prank or plot.  But how
stupid did he think she was?  How long would he let her live if she
agreed, now that he knew that she knew all about him.

    She glared at him and shouted, "Why won't you people believe me!?"
 Relena then pounced on Heero again, clenching his arm.  "Please
Heero!  I know all about those horrible... horrible, obscene,
unnatural ACTS that he made you perform."

    Duo sputtered, "Say WHAT!?!?  What the hell do you mean by obscene
'acts'...."  His voice abruptly trailed off, then his jaw dropped. 
"You don't MEAN... you DO!!!  How the hell did you know about that!?"

    "I have pictures!"

    Quatre was unfortunate enough to be drinking a glass of water at
that moment.  When he choked, gasped, and started to turn a color that
clashed alarmingly with his pink shirt, Trowa quickly started to pound
him on the back.

    As Heero gave her THE LOOK(tm), she babbled passionately, "Snap
out of it!  Don't listen to him!  Don't let him control your mind!"

    "EXCUSE ME!?!?"  Duo yelled at the top of his lungs.  

    She glared at the braided pilot and hissed, "I know what you've been 
doing!  You can't keep your slimy hands off of him!  You're probably 
planning to suck him dry, then eat every inch of him!"

    Strangely, it was Wufei who started to turn extremely red in the
face.

    Twice within the same hour, Duo was left totally speechless.
    
    Gently rubbing the still wheezing Quatre on the back, Trowa calmly
said, "We really don't have time to waste on this baseless accusations
of yours...."

    "They're NOT baseless!  I HAVE proof Duo Maxwell's a horrible
demonic monster!"

    Wufei muttered, "Then let's have it, woman!"

    Relena suddenly looked flustered.

    "Well, put up or shut up!" growled the Chinese pilot, who still
look just a trifle flushed.

    "I HAD proof, but I don't have it anymore!" Relena finally spat
out in a frustrated voice.

    Duo rolled his eyes and muttered, "Oi!  I bet she's going to say
that a dog ate it or something!"

    Her face went white and she edged closer to Heero who gave Relena
a narrow-eyed glare.

    "If that's not proof...." she whispered breathlessly, wide-eyed
with shock.  "How else could you know?"

    "Know WHAT!?" Duo shouted, yanking on his braid in aggravation. 
Maybe if he tugged hard enough, he would wake up from this bizarre
dream....

    "How else could you know that a hellhound ate my only witness and
all the negatives!?"

--------------------------------------------
[back at a nearby estate]

    Zechs Marquise walked in to Treize's office to find his superior
officer and lover scowling in bewilderment at the computer.

    "What's wrong?" the pilot asked, moving behind him to rub his
shoulders.

    "I'm... not sure," muttered Treize.

    "Does it have something to do with that email message you're
reading?"

     Treize cocked his head in that elegant way that Zechs found so sexy
and murmured, "Milliard, I think your sister's gone stark raving
bonkers."

    "What on earth are you talking about?"

    "Just take a look."  Treize pointed at the computer screen.

    Zech's glorious blue eyes slowly went wide as he read the email
message (with attachments) that Treize had received from Relena
Peacecraft.

--------------------------------------------
[at the safehouse]

    By this time, Duo was sitting on the floor holding his aching head
in his hands.  Heero had managed to detach the persistent Relena and
hovered worriedly -- for him, at least -- by his lover's side.

    "Why do you keep calling me a demon!?" Duo demanded.

    Relena retorted.  "What else would you call someone who turns into
a black-robed skeleton waving around a glowing green scythe!?"

At this point, a thoroughly bewildered Quatre asked Trowa, "Is she
referring to Deathscythe?"

    She whirled around and shouted at the Sandrock pilot, "I'm not
talking about a Gundam, you half-witted blond twit!"

    As Trowa gave her a cold, warning look, Wufei muttered, "Talk
about the pot calling the kettle black... or blond, so to speak...."

    "I'll show you...," Relena muttered as she dug around in her
oversized purse.  As she fumbled around, her fingers grazed a cold
metal object... and it was no mere ladies' pistol.  The Auto-Mag was
the most powerful weapon she could cram in her bag.  It was a tight
fit, but that turned out to be somewhat fortunate because it kept the
hand grenade from rattling around too much.  Relena thought about
yanking it out and shooting Maxwell, but two things stopped her. 
First of all, she had no idea if the pistol would be enough to kill
the unholy monster calling itself Duo Maxwell.  Second, Heero was
standing too close to the demon and in his confused mental state, he
might try to protect Duo and end up getting hurt.

    So Relena bypassed the gun -- for now -- and yanked out a badly
wrinkled photo, which she waved in everyone's faces.  Trowa took it
and stared at it... then turned it 90 degrees and stared some more. 
In fact, he then ended up rotating the picture a full 360 degrees,
viewed it up close, and as far away as his arms could stretch.  

    Finally Trowa said, "I can't tell.  The picture so blurry, I
really can't make anything out.  Is that supposed to be... an
elephant?  With that long curving shape being its tusk?"

    Quatre took a look and said, "No, I think it's a river and that
curve's the glare from the sun."

    "NO!!!  That's a picture of the demon with his stupid hair braid
and scythe!" an outraged Relena shrieked.  She glared at Duo who by
now was leaning on Heero for support.

    She pointed at Duo and shouted, "Ask him!  Ask him what he was
doing in the city two nights ago!!!"

    Duo muttered, "I was hungry so I went to get something to eat."

    Relena sneered.  "Oh sure!  I just bet he did!"

    Trowa and Quatre stopped arguing over the mysterious blurry photo
just long enough for Quatre to absently say, "Being hungry is hardly a
crime, you know."

    She sniffed and said, "Why don't you tell that to the poor
prostitute he murdered and then ate!"

    Duo fell over onto the floor and muttered, "I give up.  I really
do."

    "Hn," was Heero's only comment.

    Wufei grabbed his jacket and said, "I can't take this garbage any
more," and stormed out of the safehouse.

    Letting Quatre take another long look at the indecipherable photo,
Trowa said, "So what are we going to do with her?  We can hardly let
her go running around making wild statements about Duo."
    
    Heero shrugged and said, "We can just shoot her."

    Duo abruptly sat up.  "Heero!  After you've tried so hard to keep
her alive!?"

    "But that was when she was the one hope for peace in this world. 
But now she's obviously crazy, she's useless.  I don't have any
problem with it."

--------------------------------------------

    Without consciously picking his destination, Wufei found himself
at Treize's country estate.  Dodging security with familiar ease, he
soon found himself in his lover's suite.

    Treize noticed that his beautiful dragon was thoroughly peeved as
Wufei flung himself down on the sofa with an exasperated sigh, then
glared at Treize and Zechs who were still huddled around the desk.

    The two men exchanged significant looks, then headed for the sofa
and sat down, Zechs to Wufei's right and Treize to his left.

    When they stared at him with rather odd expressions on their
faces, Wufei asked both his lovers with a disgusted growl, "What's
with the weird looks?"

    "My dear Wufei," said Treize.  "I just got the strangest
message...."

    "....from my sister," inserted Zechs with a scowl.

    "What's all this wild stuff...," said the nobleman.

    "....about 'poor' Heero Yuy...," added Zechs with a sarcastic
twitch of an elegant eyebrow.

    "....scythe-wielding skeletons...."

    "....unholy demons with braids...."

    "....and Duo Maxwell!?!?" the two men finished in chorus.

--------------------------------------------

    Relena was appalled at this evidence of Duo's devilish powers over
Heero.  Somehow the demon had managed to manipulate her poor deluded
love into trying to murder her.  Oh, the tragedy of it all....

    She smiled grimly.  "Killing me won't stop me from revealing your
evil secret to the world!"

    "Now what kind of shit are you up to!?" Duo muttered in a resigned
voice.

    With a smug expression on her face, she said, "I've uploaded a
file containing the truth about you, you DEMON, complete with
photographic evidence, that will be automatically sent in a few hours
throughout the entire computer network, both on Earth and in space. 
No one can stop it.  Not even *I* can stop it!"

    "You WHAT!?!?" Duo screamed at her, jumping to his feet.

    Relena burst into wild, triumphant laughter.  "Yes, in a few short
hours, everyone is going to know all about you!  They're all going to
see EVERY single one of these pictures and there's nothing you can do
to stop them!"  

    She snatched out a thick envelope and flung it at Duo's feet.  The
package burst open, scattering photos all over the floor.  He bent
down and picked a handful of the pictures up, then froze when he got a
good look at them.

    "Duo...?"  Heero asked quietly, putting his hand on his lover's
shoulder.

    "You... you're going to send out... THESE pictures....  Are you...
absolutely... sure...?" whispered Duo.

    "Of course, I am.  I fed them into the scanner myself!" Relena
snapped.

    Duo stood there with his head bowed, his long bangs hiding his
eyes and his shoulders shaking.  Then without warning, he whirled to
face her.

    "BAKA!!!!!!" he screamed at her.  Everyone in the room, including
Heero and Trowa, jumped at the sheer rage in his voice.  He thrust the
pictures he had been holding into Heero's hands.  

    Trowa and Quatre ran over to take a look and ended up gaping at
the thoroughly explicit photos of Duo and Heero making hot, steamy,
passionate love.

    The Heavyarms pilot bent down and picked up the rest of the
pictures. Sifting through them, he said with a faint air of surprise,
"I didn't think it was possible to get into that sort of position,
Heero."

    Stunned, Quatre muttered, "Wow, Duo... and I thought TROWA was
flexible...." 

    It was unclear what infuriated Heero the worst -- the fact that
his privacy had been so thoroughly violated or the fact that someone
managed to sneak up close enough to take those pictures without him
noticing.  Whatever the reason, Heero saw red, skipped his usual
'Omae o Korosu' line, and grabbed for his gun with every intention
of emptying the entire magazine into Relena.

    Surprisingly, it was Duo who stopped the enraged Gundam Wing
pilot.  Grabbing his lover's arm, Duo yelled, "We don't have time for
that!  Heero, we've got to figure out a way to keep that message and
those pictures from being sent to god knows how many places!!!!"

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madamhydra@aol.com         /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/:E

http://www.geocities.com/~madamhydra/
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=====================================================================
The Full Disclaimer
    All rights and privileges to Shin Kidousenki Gundam Wing are
trademarks and property of Sunrise, Bandai, Sotsu Agency, and
associated parties. The characters of these works are used WITHOUT
permission for the purpose of entertainment only.  This work of
fiction is not meant for sale or profit.
    Original portion of the fiction included here is considered to be
the sole property and copyrighted to the author.
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